Wife in affair and wants divorce

[mark clemson]

It's possible she was unhappy/frustrated but "putting on an act" while figuring out if she really wanted to divorce. Some people seem to need a new partner to monkeybranch to before they feel secure enough to leave a relationship. That sad reality is you really never truly know what's going on in another person's  head, even a spouse's, although sometimes you can get a pretty good idea. As several others have pointed out, your acceptance of the current situation and not becoming an emotional trainwreck will probably serve you very well under the circumstances.

On the whole "bargaining chips" thing, a few points for you to be aware of -

Laws vary by jurisdiction. Some places do still require "cause".

Speaking generally I'm of the opinion that the faster you get to the negotiating table, the better. Less hassle, less time taken away from your life, lower legal fees, etc. If informally negotiating "no disclosure" for a faster/better settlement actually would help things in your case, I personally see no reason not to take that approach.

That said -

In some areas, court-admissible evidence of an affair can lead to a more favorable outcome. That would be a question for your lawyer, as well as a personal decision by you whether to go that route (if it's available).

This is by no means a suggestion/recommendation, but for your awareness in some areas, it's possible to sue an AP (the other guy in your case) if you have court-admissible evidence of an affair and there is a divorce. IF you considered this action, it would be something to ask your lawyer about. I suspect that many of these suits result either in people with lots of money "punishing" those without via the legal system or vain attempts to squeeze blood out of a rock. But I don't know your situation, so it's something you may wish to be made aware of.

Edited October 26, 2020 by mark clemson

[nhraracer90]

22 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It's possible she was unhappy/frustrated but "putting on an act" while figuring out if she really wanted to divorce. Some people seem to need a new partner to monkeybranch to before they feel secure enough to leave a relationship. That sad reality is you really never truly know what's going on in another person's  head, even a spouse's, although sometimes you can get a pretty good idea. As several others have pointed out, your acceptance of the current situation and not becoming an emotional trainwreck will probably serve you very well under the circumstances.

On the whole "bargaining chips" thing, a few points for you to be aware of -

Laws vary by jurisdiction. Some places do still require "cause".

Speaking generally I'm of the opinion that the faster you get to the negotiating table, the better. Less hassle, less time taken away from your life, lower legal fees, etc. If informally negotiating "no disclosure" for a faster/better settlement actually would help things in your case, I personally see no reason not to take that approach.

That said -

In some areas, court-admissible evidence of an affair can lead to a more favorable outcome. That would be a question for your lawyer, as well as a personal decision by you whether to go that route (if it's available).

This is by no means a suggestion/recommendation, but for your awareness in some areas, it's possible to sue an AP (the other guy in your case) if you have court-admissible evidence of an affair and there is a divorce. IF you considered this action, it would be something to ask your lawyer about. I suspect that many of these suits result either in people with lots of money "punishing" those without via the legal system or vain attempts to squeeze blood out of a rock. But I don't know your situation, so it's something you may wish to be made aware of.

Thanks. I and a lot of other ppl close to us find it really hard to believe she was unhappy for awhile. She never told anyone how she was and definitely not me. When things took off with this other guy (who she’s only known for 3 months) that’s why she’s doing what she’s doing. I would find it extremely hard for someone to “fake love” someone, I’d feel she would drive a wedge in between us if she really felt like that. I got the typical “I love you but not in love with you”, “I fell out of love with you”, “he makes me happy”, “he understands me” all that BS. Who knows, she still denies her affair has anything to do with her leaving 🙄. It’s all my fault lol

[schlumpy]

Have you made an effort to remove her from your life insurance and health plan? Who pays her car insurance? Separate checking accounts? Who is paying the phone bill?

Do whatever you can to make reality intrude in her fantasy land.

You should also give thought to what price you will exact from her to re-enter the marriage if you decide at that time to take her back.

Of course she may decide to come back but I think a woman who takes her wedding photos and wedding dress with her when she leaves her husband is not really done with the marriage.

Does she know you that well?

[nhraracer90]

1 minute ago, schlumpy said:

Have you made an effort to remove her from your life insurance and health plan? Who pays her car insurance? Separate checking accounts? Who is paying the phone bill?

Do whatever you can to make reality intrude in her fantasy land.

You should also give thought to what price you will exact from her to re-enter the marriage if you decide at that time to take her back.

Of course she may decide to come back but I think a woman who takes her wedding photos and wedding dress with her when she leaves her husband is not really done with the marriage.

Does she know you that well?

I can’t remove her from any of the health plans yet until our divorce is finalized. She finally has her own car  insurance and pays it herself. She got her own phone bill as well after I threatened to block her new boyfriends number. 
 

She’s already changed her name back to her maiden name on social media and wants to change it back as part of the divorce. She got mad when I exposed her affair so that could be the reasoning for that because at first she didn’t want to change her name back. 
 

When I asked her if she wanted all our wedding photos she said “yes, I cherish those moments”. Seems like mixed feelings to me 

[vla1120]

IMO, three months isn't enough time to really get to know someone enough to know this is "the one." Don't be surprised if she eventually comes crawling back to you because the BF decided she was too much/too serious for him. It's all cool and dangerous when he's sleeping with some other man's wife, but when she's suddenly available and all over him about when they'll live together, start their life together, etc., he may turn tail and run (or just tell her he wants to stay in the safety and comfort of mom and dad's home.) Then, she'll be trying to crawl back to you. 

[nhraracer90]

22 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

IMO, three months isn't enough time to really get to know someone enough to know this is "the one." Don't be surprised if she eventually comes crawling back to you because the BF decided she was too much/too serious for him. It's all cool and dangerous when he's sleeping with some other man's wife, but when she's suddenly available and all over him about when they'll live together, start their life together, etc., he may turn tail and run (or just tell her he wants to stay in the safety and comfort of mom and dad's home.) Then, she'll be trying to crawl back to you. 

Yeah I agree 3 months of knowing someone isn’t long enough for anything at all. Especially leaving an 11 year relationship. Mostly everyone I’ve talked to said she will try to come back at some point. Me and her have known each other since we were 5 years old. Once we started officially dating about a year later, she told me I was “the one” Once our divorce is over the “fun” of the affair will be over

Edited October 27, 2020 by nhraracer90

[carhill]

If things seem pretty settled with STBX, one can presume she's been in the milieu with the other guy for more than a few months. Seen that plenty.

On a perhaps more pleasant front, good to see another racer around, I raced Division 7 from the late 70's to the late 90's. Saw a lot of free love in that crowd back in the day. I used to say businesses ran on infidelity and cocaine in the 80's it was so prevalent. Anyway, you'll make it. Life works out. She made her choice. Plenty of other ladies out there should you desire companionship in the future. No worries.

[nhraracer90]

18 minutes ago, carhill said:

If things seem pretty settled with STBX, one can presume she's been in the milieu with the other guy for more than a few months. Seen that plenty.

On a perhaps more pleasant front, good to see another racer around, I raced Division 7 from the late 70's to the late 90's. Saw a lot of free love in that crowd back in the day. I used to say businesses ran on infidelity and cocaine in the 80's it was so prevalent. Anyway, you'll make it. Life works out. She made her choice. Plenty of other ladies out there should you desire companionship in the future. No worries.

What do you mean STBX? I know for a fact she’s only known him for a few months. 
 

Yeah I used to race every weekend until I got married (go figure). Looks like I’ll be back in the seat soon 

[nhraracer90]

Also, 

I was visiting her parents last week and apparently she drove by and saw me there so she went to where she was staying and started listening to us via the webcams. I guess she heard something she didn’t want to hear and then started blowing her parents phones up saying hurtful things to them. This was last Wednesday, so earlier this week she saw the dogs outside at her parents and stopped by and started talking to the dogs and she briefly said something to her dad and he told me that she was acting normal like nothing was going on. Like she didn’t just say those things to them less than a week ago. Whenever she talks to me, she doesn’t act normal at all, she acts like it’s painful.   What is this all about?? 

[schlumpy]

Just my opinion but I think reality is starting to intrude. She is starting to measure her loss compared to her gain.

 

[nhraracer90]

49 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Just my opinion but I think reality is starting to intrude. She is starting to measure her loss compared to her gain.

 

Why do you think that? She’s already changed back to her maiden name on social media, (maybe doing that makes it real to her) even though she legally doesn’t have that name yet lol. 

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, nhraracer90 said:

 she briefly said something to her dad and he told me that she was acting normal like nothing was going on. Like she didn’t just say those things to them less than a week ago. Whenever she talks to me, she doesn’t act normal at all, she acts like it’s painful.   What is this all about?? 

Possibly she just "blew up" and vented on them and expects/hopes it will blow over (they are her parents after all).

Possibly there is something more, like a personality disorder forming or similar, but there's really no way to know any of that unless there's more evidence of it.

Divorces, affairs, moving out all of these are very high emotion issues, so IMO there's an increased chance for some "irrational" behavior and triggering etc.

 

Speaking generally it's not uncommon for people to "flip" emotionally when they leave a partner (affair or no). It's a psychological defense mechanism and/or some cognitive dissonance coming into play, so my guess is that's part of what's going on with how she treats you. "Rewriting history" is a part of that, too, so the happy times are now "less" happy than perhaps they actually were at the time.  C'est la vie. 🙁

[carhill]

4 hours ago, nhraracer90 said:

Whenever she talks to me, she doesn’t act normal at all, she acts like it’s painful.   What is this all about?? 

Hard to read minds but usually a reflection upon an emotional memory. To put it in guy terms, IDK if you've ever had a parent die, both mine are gone now, and sometimes an emotional memory of their lives intrudes and I get momentarily sad. Cognitively I know they're dead but the emotions intrude nevertheless. Guys are pretty simple in this way. Women are not. Think of your brain as a bunch of boxes and hers as a ball of wire. For her, everything is connected to everything else and it runs on emotion. She can see you and be sad your M is over but not love you or want to be with you in the least. That may not make any sense. Emotions are like that. Think of them more as art, not math. There isn't a solution.

[carhill]

On 10/27/2020 at 12:25 PM, nhraracer90 said:

What do you mean STBX?

Sorry, missed this, soon to be ex-wife, in your case, as it appears all signals so far indicate divorce is imminent, though nothing in life save for death is guaranteed.  Not to worry I had the same kind of 'boots at my door' revelation after buying a new house in town to get my wife closer to her business. Pretty soon some new boots were parked there and I was out. That was OK, didn't like town anyway. When the writing is on the wall, I found reading and accepting it helps.

[nhraracer90]

12 minutes ago, carhill said:

Hard to read minds but usually a reflection upon an emotional memory. To put it in guy terms, IDK if you've ever had a parent die, both mine are gone now, and sometimes an emotional memory of their lives intrudes and I get momentarily sad. Cognitively I know they're dead but the emotions intrude nevertheless. Guys are pretty simple in this way. Women are not. Think of your brain as a bunch of boxes and hers as a ball of wire. For her, everything is connected to everything else and it runs on emotion. She can see you and be sad your M is over but not love you or want to be with you in the least. That may not make any sense. Emotions are like that. Think of them more as art, not math. There isn't a solution.

Ahh I see. Yeah she’s done a complete 180 with me from when she moved out. I did expose her affair at the gym/where he works so I know she’s mad at me about that for now. She blocked me on social media as well after that. 
 

At first it was “I will always love you, always have and always will”. “I’d die of anything happened to you”. “Something reminded me of you today but I couldn’t text you about it”. So many mixed emotions there 

 

 

[nhraracer90]

20 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Possibly she just "blew up" and vented on them and expects/hopes it will blow over (they are her parents after all).

Possibly there is something more, like a personality disorder forming or similar, but there's really no way to know any of that unless there's more evidence of it.

Divorces, affairs, moving out all of these are very high emotion issues, so IMO there's an increased chance for some "irrational" behavior and triggering etc.

 

Speaking generally it's not uncommon for people to "flip" emotionally when they leave a partner (affair or no). It's a psychological defense mechanism and/or some cognitive dissonance coming into play, so my guess is that's part of what's going on with how she treats you. "Rewriting history" is a part of that, too, so the happy times are now "less" happy than perhaps they actually were at the time.  C'est la vie. 🙁

Yeah I’m sure she just blew up on them because she heard us talking about her. She hates that her parents are on my side in all of this and pretty much everyone else but “nobody understands her” except for her new man. I figured there’s be some irrational behavior, she does also have clinical depression as well. Yeah she is rewriting our history because at first it was haven’t been happy for awhile and then a year and then the last couple years which we all know is a lie. She was talking about renewing our vows earlier this year. I’m assuming one day she’ll crash and come to realize what she’s really done. 

[carhill]

Yup, I've heard the 'always and forever' stuff plenty and long life experience has taught me that it definitely means 'always and forever' at that particular portion of that particular second of an infinite sea of change throughout time. My opinion now? If some earnest lady is there holding my hand when I die, then I'll gain some comfort in believing she may have meant what she said, if she ever said it.

BTW, check the dates on the belts and helmet. Pesky expiration stuff. Heh.

5 minutes ago, nhraracer90 said:

At first it was “I will always love you, always have and always will”. “I’d die of anything happened to you”.

 

Edited October 29, 2020 by carhill
of not or

[schlumpy]

1 hour ago, nhraracer90 said:

Why do you think that? She’s already changed back to her maiden name on social media, (maybe doing that makes it real to her) even though she legally doesn’t have that name yet lol. 

The way she is acting reflects her thoughts bouncing back and forth. Things are not going the way she wants. Consequences are catching up. 

She misses the dogs and whatever relationship she had with her parents. She has to treat you badly or act like she can't tolerate being in the same room to keep the wall up.

Be indifferent to her when she is around. Be agreeable and show her you are leaving her behind.

Another shot of reality is what she needs.

[Harry Korsnes]

Hmmm

I 0think this is a bit smelly!

[nhraracer90]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

The way she is acting reflects her thoughts bouncing back and forth. Things are not going the way she wants. Consequences are catching up. 

She misses the dogs and whatever relationship she had with her parents. She has to treat you badly or act like she can't tolerate being in the same room to keep the wall up.

Be indifferent to her when she is around. Be agreeable and show her you are leaving her behind.

Another shot of reality is what she needs.

I agree on the shot of reality. She’s living with her sister in law (whom she hated for years) and brother right now. So she’s comfortable and not alone yet. She’s never lived alone, paid any bills (I did all that) or had to deal with life’s real problems no matter where you live or what job you have. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, nhraracer90 said:

She’s living with her sister in law and brother right now. 

All you can do is get the best attorney and pursue this vigorously. Follow the letter of the law. 

Another thing you can do is get support from your Own family and friends.

Do not contact her parents At All.  There's no reason for you to hang out with them.

You may think they're on "your side", but there's no reason to stay in contact with her or any of Her people.

Doing this is detrimental to your case and to moving forward with what you need to do.

[Acacia98]

On 10/26/2020 at 2:29 PM, nhraracer90 said:

3 months ago she was telling friends about us going to have a kid together. For our anniversary (May) she wanted to renew our wedding vows. There were no serious signs that would have led to something like this.

Maybe she was already disenchanted and thought that having a kid or renewing vows would address that. In my experience, some people try to push for "relationshipy" things right when they're on the verge of dumping you.

[nhraracer90]

20 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Maybe she was already disenchanted and thought that having a kid or renewing vows would address that. In my experience, some people try to push for "relationshipy" things right when they're on the verge of dumping you.

We had been talking about having a kid for awhile though. We were going to wait until she got done her masters degree. We were both excited to go to Vegas (for our 5 year) but we had to cancel because of COVID. 

[Alvin85]

I’m so sorry your going through this Your situation sounds so similar to mine

[nhraracer90]

16 hours ago, Alvin85 said:

I’m so sorry your going through this Your situation sounds so similar to mine

Are you still going through it right now?