How would you make sense of this?

[silmina]

Hello everyone,

I'll try to keep this short. My ex ended our LDR during lockdown back in April, after we last met in March, and he started seeing someone new and local around the same time.  We had a difficult relationship, as he never really committed so we were off and on for over 5 years. When he broke up, he suggested we remained friends, which I kinda rejected but there was some contact now and then. In August I offered to travel where he lives and he seemed quite eager to meet up, and I believe his gf was away at the time. Anyway, I figured I wasn't ready for this and told him that wasn't going to happen, which seemed to disappoint him but... I did what I needed to protect myself.

Then there was almost 2 months of NC, which I broke recently to test the waters I guess. He replied promptly at first but since we are talking about someone who never gave me any explanation for anything (I suspect he might be avoidant and he tends to be somewhat passive aggressive), he became quickly annoyed by my questions, ignoring them more often than not. Eventually he'd reply after I insisted, with contradictory answers... saying we were still friends while his attitude would be cold and non-responsive... Anyway, I finally decided to play my last card and told him I would be in his town very soon and suggested we meet up, which he rejected, claiming he would be busy with my "replacement" (that's his exact term). I never replied to this and have decided to leave him alone from now on.

I'd like to get your input as to why a dumper would want to be so nasty to someone who never did anything wrong to him? I realize it doesn't matter in the end. What also puzzles me though is that he's been watching all of my IG stories all along, following my new account and all that. So what gives? We had a great time together in March and then he turned into a cold mess, telling me nasty things like I didn't mean anything to him, which I know cannot be true.

So I know I shouldn't care, and whatever the reason it won't change anything, but like many other humans, I try to understand. And I can't. Do you have any thoughts? Thanks in advance.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, silmina said:

We had a difficult relationship, as he never really committed so we were off and on for over 5 years.

I offered to travel where he lives and he seemed quite eager to meet up, and I believe his gf was away at the time.

Sorry to hear this. LDRs are very hard. Never offer to cheat. He has a gf. Never offer to visit or lie about visiting someone. Are you married/also in a relationship? 

End it. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Stop the nonsense so you can finally move forward with decent, faithful local men.

Edited October 26, 2020 by Wiseman2

[silmina]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. LDRs are very hard. Never offer to cheat. He has a gf. Never offer to visit or lie about visiting someone. Are you married/also in a relationship? 

No, i am not in a relationship of any sorts. I would like to clarify that I never offered to cheat. First of all because I assumed maybe it was some rebound and wasn't sure if they'd still be together, secondly I found out afterwards she was probably away at the time, and last because meeting up to us doesn't always equal to having sex.

I have no doubt I must move on. I am just trying to figure out his motivations and what kind of man he really is...

[d0nnivain]

You two have been doing this on & off BS for far too long.  It will stop when you stop it by going full NC.  You have to delete his # & all his contact info from your devices & you have to block him on social media.  Out of sight, out of mind will help you move forward.  

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, silmina said:

I'd like to get your input as to why a dumper would want to be so nasty to someone who never did anything wrong to him?

because of this:

Quote

We had a difficult relationship

he never really committed

we were off and on for over 5 years.

Quote

in August I offered to travel where he lives

Then there was almost 2 months of NC, which I broke recently to test the waters

he became quickly annoyed by my questions, ignoring them more often than not.

Quote

his attitude would be cold and non-responsive...

I told him I would be in his town very soon and suggested we meet up, which he rejected, claiming he would

be busy with my "replacement" (that's his exact term).

You're trying to push a relationship on him that he doesn't want and you're not getting the message so far, so he's taking it there so you do get it.

He's moved on with his life. You haven't.  It's time for you to get on with your life without him in it.

Edited October 26, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, silmina said:

I would like to clarify that I never offered to cheat. First of all because I assumed maybe it was some rebound and wasn't sure if they'd still be together, secondly I found out afterwards she was probably away at the time, and last because meeting up to us doesn't always equal to having sex.

You knew he had a girlfriend. You had no information to base your assumption on other than wishful thinking on your part. He never told you they were finished. Quite the opposite.  It may be a rebound, but he's been letting you know that he's not checking for you like that.

You are trying to re-establish an emotional connection based on your shared past -- and that's called "trying to have an emotional affair."  It sounds like he doesn't want to cheat on her, physically or emotionally.

[silmina]

4 minutes ago, kendahke said:

You're trying to push a relationship on him that he doesn't want and you're not getting the message so far, so he's taking it there so you do get it.

He's moved on with his life. You haven't.  It's time for you to get on with your life without him in it.

Thanks for your reply. 

I wish things were that clear, really. I have yet to believe that a guy in his 40s who's always been living the single life would suddenly be in a relationship with this other person, and then rub it in my face (while making no mention of it on his social media), but that's another story.

If he's moved on, then why was he so eager to see me in August? Why does he keep tabs on me on social media? Why doesn't he tell me to just f* off and block me? Why does he claim he still cares about me?

I understand that, for my well-being, I should move on. In fact, as I said, I didn't reply to his last message and have no intention to do so. I just wish I understood what this was all about. For closure or something.

[silmina]

8 minutes ago, kendahke said:

You knew he had a girlfriend. You had no information to base your assumption on other than wishful thinking on your part. He never told you they were finished. Quite the opposite.  It may be a rebound, but he's been letting you know that he's not checking for you like that.

Ok, that's right 100%, i was hopeful.

8 minutes ago, kendahke said:

You are trying to re-establish an emotional connection based on your shared past -- and that's called "trying to have an emotional affair."  It sounds like he doesn't want to cheat on her, physically or emotionally.

He's the one who keeps claiming we are still friends anyway. In fact I offered to part gracefully on several occasions and to say goodbye and he refused saying there was no reason because to him we are still friends. Considering he wanted to see me last Summer while she was probably away, I guess I am not the one really looking for an "emotional affair". He also told me she knows nothing about me. 

I am trying hard to move on, but clearly the mixed signals don't help, hence why I try to make some sense of them.

Edited October 26, 2020 by silmina

[kendahke]

Just now, silmina said:

I have yet to believe that a guy in his 40s who's always been living the single life would suddenly be in a relationship with this other person, and then rub it in my face (while making no mention of it on his social media), but that's another story.

The only reason why it seems he's rubbing it in your face is because you won't let this go.

Quote

If he's moved on, then why was he so eager to see me in August?

Between August and now, he's changed his tune--and that's what you need to focus on.

Quote

Why does he keep tabs on me on social media? Why doesn't he tell me to just f* off and block me?

He does this because you leave the door open for him to come and go, that's why.  You've yet to nail the door shut, so he's going to saunter in for as long as  you're open to giving him access.   That is on you, not him.

As long as you leave the door open, the alley cats will come in and spray all over your furniture.

Quote

Why does he claim he still cares about me?

He claims he still cares about you because you two have had a 5 year shared history--but that's not a contract to keep things going on your terms. Caring about your well being isn't "I'm in love with you and want to be with you". It means he'd feel sad if something bad happened to you, but he's not interested in being your man and helping you get through it.

Quote

I just wish I understood what this was all about. For closure or something.

This is about him having moved on and found someone new. He no longer wants an on again/off again 5 year relationship with you.  He has changed his mind on that. That is "what is" right now. "What you wished would be" isn't on the table with him anymore. That's your closure.

[kendahke]

5 minutes ago, silmina said:

He's the one who keeps claiming we are still friends anyway. In fact I offered to part gracefully on several occasions and to say goodbye and he refused saying there was no reason because to him we are still friends.

He can claim whatever until times get better.  Doesn't make that true for you.

When it comes to your own life, you have total agency and sovereignty over who gets to be a part of it.  He walked away, therefore he loses boyfriend perks like that. He no longer has any weight when it comes to the decisions you make for your own happiness.

He is now "some dude you used to know".

Edited October 26, 2020 by kendahke

[silmina]

4 minutes ago, kendahke said:

He can claim whatever until times get better.  Doesn't make that true for you.

When it comes to your own life, you have total agency and sovereignty over who gets to be a part of it.  He walked away, therefore he loses boyfriend perks like that. He no longer has any weight when it comes to the decisions you make for your own happiness.

He is now "some dude you used to know".

Thanks for all of your comments. My impression is that he's trying to keep me hooked in case he wants me again in the future. How about that? I just don't buy the "he's moved on and is  happily committed to this new person, end of the story". 

Obviously I don't have to accept this and won't wait on him (!), I am just wondering if that could explain his behavior? Does it sound crazy?

[kendahke]

40 minutes ago, silmina said:

My impression is that he's trying to keep me hooked in case he wants me again in the future. How about that?

Like I said, you have more agency in this matter than he does, so it really doesn't matter what he's trying to do. It's no longer even about that.  It's about WHAT WILL YOU ALLOW? He can't do anything without your express permission to allow it.  How long do you want to get strung along? How much of your youth are you going to squander behind all this navel gazing?  He can't keep you hooked in anything you don't allow yourself to get hooked up into. How about that?

Quote

I just don't buy the "he's moved on and is  happily committed to this new person, end of the story". 

I didn't even say that.  What I said was:

Quote

This is about him having moved on and found someone new. He no longer wants an on again/off again 5 year relationship with you.  He has changed his mind on that. That is "what is" right now. "What you wished would be" isn't on the table with him anymore. That's your closure.

There is no mention of him being happily committed to anything in what I wrote... and to be honest, you don't know that that's not the case, as much as you'd like for it not to be the case.  He's moved on. Period. Looking at your IG feed is because you haven't blocked him from seeing your IG feed--plain and simple... that doesn't translate into "he's pining for me/he wants me back".  For all you know, he and his new girl may have been looking at it and having a laugh--you just don't know, so nail the door shut.

Quote

I am just wondering if that could explain his behavior? Does it sound crazy?

As long as you don't allow yourself to get dragged to the bottom of his cesspool behind it, it doesn't matter what it sounds like.

Go on youtube and look of Jennifer Lewis' video "If you sit too long..."

That's all I've got for you.

Edited October 26, 2020 by kendahke

[SincereOnlineGuy]

4 hours ago, silmina said:

Hello everyone,

I'll try to keep this short. My ex ended our LDR during lockdown back in April, after we last met in March, and he started seeing someone new and local around the same time.  We had a difficult relationship, as he never really committed so we were off and on for over 5 years. When he broke up, he suggested we remained friends, which I kinda rejected but there was some contact now and then. In August I offered to travel where he lives and he seemed quite eager to meet up, and I believe his gf was away at the time. Anyway, I figured I wasn't ready for this and told him that wasn't going to happen, which seemed to disappoint him but... I did what I needed to protect myself.

Then there was almost 2 months of NC, which I broke recently to test the waters I guess. He replied promptly at first but since we are talking about someone who never gave me any explanation for anything (I suspect he might be avoidant and he tends to be somewhat passive aggressive), he became quickly annoyed by my questions, ignoring them more often than not. Eventually he'd reply after I insisted, with contradictory answers... saying we were still friends while his attitude would be cold and non-responsive... Anyway, I finally decided to play my last card and told him I would be in his town very soon and suggested we meet up, which he rejected, claiming he would be busy with my "replacement" (that's his exact term). I never replied to this and have decided to leave him alone from now on.

I'd like to get your input as to why a dumper would want to be so nasty to someone who never did anything wrong to him? I realize it doesn't matter in the end. What also puzzles me though is that he's been watching all of my IG stories all along, following my new account and all that. So what gives? We had a great time together in March and then he turned into a cold mess, telling me nasty things like I didn't mean anything to him, which I know cannot be true.

So I know I shouldn't care, and whatever the reason it won't change anything, but like many other humans, I try to understand. And I can't. Do you have any thoughts? Thanks in advance.

 

 

I don't see "nasty" here except where you pushed yourself into his world post break-up.

The following sentence is absurd:

 

"In August I offered to travel where he lives and he seemed quite eager to meet up, and I believe his gf was away at the time. Anyway, I figured I wasn't ready for this and told him that wasn't going to happen, which seemed to disappoint him but... I did what I needed to protect myself."

 

LOL -  you offered  to travel to where he lives...    and then told him that wasn't going to happen...    (yet you)  "did what (you) needed to protect yourself"

 

I don't get  "protecting yourself"   from   first dangling something in front of someone and then independently deciding it "wasn't going to happen"

 

Then...   YOU broke no-contact after 2 months... and then tried to re-introduce yourself into his world (both online and in-person)

 

 

There is nothing "nasty" on his end about that at all.

 

You're just interfering with his life, so it reads.

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

52 minutes ago, silmina said:

"he's moved on and is  happily committed to this new person, end of the story". 

Obviously I don't have to accept this ... 

 

Does it sound crazy?

Very much so, when boiled down to the core.

 

 

[silmina]

13 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Like I said, you have more agency in this matter than he does, so it really doesn't matter what he's trying to do. It's no longer even about that.  It's about WHAT WILL YOU ALLOW? He can't do anything without your express permission to allow it.  How long do you want to get strung along? How much of your youth are you going to squander behind all this navel gazing?  He can't keep you hooked in anything you don't allow yourself to get hooked up into. How about that?

Thanks again for your comments. I am just trying to make sense of all this, you know. I have obviously hurt a lot over this breakup, and since I won't get any closure from him I must get some facts into my head. But I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. 

I question whether I've been fooled all along. I have a lot of questions. I appreciate the different perspective. Thanks again!

[silmina]

6 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

The following sentence is absurd:

"In August I offered to travel where he lives and he seemed quite eager to meet up, and I believe his gf was away at the time. Anyway, I figured I wasn't ready for this and told him that wasn't going to happen, which seemed to disappoint him but... I did what I needed to protect myself."

LOL -  you offered  to travel to where he lives...    and then told him that wasn't going to happen...    (yet you)  "did what (you) needed to protect yourself"

I don't get  "protecting yourself"   from   first dangling something in front of someone and then independently deciding it "wasn't going to happen"

Thanks for your comment but please don't patronize. I don't need this. 

How is it absurd that I considered travelling there at one point, then realized I wasn't ready for it after all so yes, I offered and then told him I had changed my mind about meeting him ? I realized that seeing him I would suffer and nothing more would come out of it, so I changed my mind to protect myself. Yes. Absurd, really? You tell me.

[silmina]

8 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Very much so, when boiled down to the core.

It sounds crazy the fact that he may be stringing me along? Oh really? 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, silmina said:

he became quickly annoyed by my questions, ignoring them more often than not. Eventually he'd reply after I insisted, with contradictory answers... saying we were still friends while his attitude would be cold and non-responsive...

What questions were you asking that annoyed him so much?  People who ignore questions don't want to tell lies.  It's also very telling that his gf knows nothing about you.  Everyone (his new gf) asks about an ex when in a new relationship.  He never considered you a real gf therefore you were not an ex.  If you found out his gf was out of town and you offered to visit him while she was away and he accepted, he was probably thinking about extra sex while his gf is away.

Edited October 26, 2020 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, silmina said:

I didn't reply to his last message and have no intention to do so. I just wish I understood what this was all about. For closure or something.

Excellent. Delete and block him from messaging apps and social media. "Closure" is when he told you he has a GF.

[stillafool]

17 minutes ago, silmina said:

Thanks for your comment but please don't patronize. I don't need this. 

How is it absurd that I considered travelling there at one point, then realized I wasn't ready for it after all so yes, I offered and then told him I had changed my mind about meeting him ? I realized that seeing him I would suffer and nothing more would come out of it, so I changed my mind to protect myself. Yes. Absurd, really? You tell me.

Because you sound like a tease or a woman who doesn't know what she wants.  You offered to come and then withdrew that offer to protect yourself?   If you wanted to protect yourself you wouldn't have continued contacting him knowing he has a gf and offering to visit him while she was away.

[silmina]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Because you sound like a tease or a woman who doesn't know what she wants.  You offered to come and then withdrew that offer to protect yourself?   If you wanted to protect yourself you wouldn't have continued contacting him knowing he has a gf and offering to visit him while she was away.

I am actually quite disappointed to find so little support and empathy here, tbh. I am just a woman who was dumped after struggling to make things work for quite a long time, and I've suffered, while HE never committed or had the courage to end things properly, if nothing else. And today as I am trying to move on I am also trying to understand his behavior. He's the one who doesn't know what he wants because he kept getting in and out of my life. Maybe I was wrong for letting him? Yes, assuredly. That doesn't mean I cannot try to get some perspective today, mostly for closure, as I said. And a bit of support wouldn't hurt, btw.

Yes, I tried to protect myself, but I was also desperately hoping we could salvage things, since he refused to tell me goodbye when I offered. I thought there was maybe some chance. Again, as I already said, I had no idea the girl was away. My idea was to meet up in a friendly manner, because I thought we could at least salvage our friendship, and then I realized I wouldn't be capable of this. So I changed my mind. 

I feel like I am just being judged here, and i don't deserve that, sorry.

[silmina]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He never considered you a real gf therefore you were not an ex.  If you found out his gf was out of town and you offered to visit him while she was away and he accepted, he was probably thinking about extra sex while his gf is away.

I am not an ex? Yet that's what he calls me.  

Extra sex? Not necessarily. It may puzzle some here but we were actually capable of sharing the same bed without any sexual activity on many occasions... So having a drink or a walk together without anything else happening sounded totally plausible. 

[ShyViolet]

Why did you keep going back to this guy again and again who clearly did not care about you and who treated you badly?  That is the bottom line.  He made it clear to you that he did not care about you, and you didn't get the message.  You kept going back to him again and again.  Maybe he did not respect you because you didn't exactly show that you have much respect for yourself.  Now you keep asking over and over what the reasons are for his behavior.  That's irrelevant.  It doesn't matter.  You are never going to find out what the exact reasons were for his behavior.  He's a jerk and he didn't care about you, that is the reason for his behavior.  Now what you should be focusing on is just moving on with your life.  I would suggest getting into therapy to investigate why you would desperately run back to a guy again and again who did not care about you and did not treat you well.

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, silmina said:

My impression is that he's trying to keep me hooked in case he wants me again in the future. How about that? I just don't buy the "he's moved on and is  happily committed to this new person, end of the story.

From everything you've posted, he sounds like a huge commitmentphobe and agree that's ^ exactly what he's doing.

CP's are notorious for it, the hot/cold, push /pull, even the long distance.  CP's love LDRs.  All done to create distance - emotional distance and in your case physical as well.

He doesn't want to be in a relationship with this new girl, any more than he does with you.

The reason why he's nasty to you is because (1) he can't handle his emotions and blames you for him having them and (2) in his twisted brain, he needs to make YOU the "bad guy" to alleviate his guilt about not committing after five years and treating you like *.

This guy is so fear-driven, he'd run away from his own shadow if he could find it.

I guarantee you he will be back for another round, I'd bank money on it.

This isn't over until YOU end it once and for all by straight out telling him it's DONE and then blocking and deleting.

 

Edited October 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[silmina]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

From everything you've posted, he sounds like a huge commitmentphobe and agree that's ^ exactly what he's doing.

CP's are notorious for it, the hot/cold, push /pull, even the long distance.  CP's love LDRs.  All done to create distance - emotional distance and in your case physical as well.

He doesn't want to be in a relationship with this new girl, any more than he does with you.

The reason why he's nasty to you is because (1) he can't handle his emotions and blames you for him having them and (2) in his twisted brain, he needs to make YOU the "bad guy" to alleviate his guilt about not committing after five years and treating you like *.

This guy is so fear-driven, he'd run away from his own shadow if he could find it.

I guarantee you he will be back for another round, I'd bank money on it.

This isn't over until YOU end it once and for all by straight out telling him it's DONE and then blocking and deleting.

 

Thank you so much poppyfields.

That makes sense, totally. I realize his reasons for being nasty have nothing to do with me, and everything to do with his own emotional conflicts. The hot/cold thing is what really messed me up. He mentions regularly putting up walls and won't open up. It's been one nasty rollercoaster for me, but I feel like I am starting to gain perspective and move on. I can't handle it anymore anyway...