ExpatInItaly Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 14 hours ago, silmina said: I feel like I am just being judged here, and i don't deserve that, sorry. You offered to meet a man who has a girlfriend. When you makes those choices, people are going to judge you. I don't think he's an angel, to be clear. I think both of you have behaved poorly at times and lacked accountability, based on what you have written. You don't need to hand this guy as much power as you have. Time to take control back and make decisions that are consistent with wanting to achieve happiness. Cutting him off for good would be an ideal start. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author silmina Posted October 27, 2020 Author Share Posted October 27, 2020 45 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: You offered to meet a man who has a girlfriend. When you makes those choices, people are going to judge you. As I have said, the point was not to get him to cheat on her. I thought at the time I would be able to remain friends with him, to at least salvage something. Do people here only read half of what I type, the half that allows them to judge badly or...? 48 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I don't think he's an angel, to be clear. I think both of you have behaved poorly at times and lacked accountability, based on what you have written. So tell me, is there a relationship where one person is always 100% clean and the other isn't? So this is a pointless remark. Never claimed I always acted perfectly, but I came here to have your thoughts on HIS behavior, not to be judged on mine. That's what I asked. Have I been dealing with a commitment phobe, a narcissist...? I am asking for people's experience and thoughts to enlighten me on this matter. Poppyfields, luckily, got the point. At any rate, this doesn't justify all the patronizing stuff I have read here, sorry. You all can make a point without mocking or acting like a smart a**... sorry for judging in return, but it's a two-way street 😉 Anyway, this topic can be closed. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 17 hours ago, silmina said: I am just a woman who was dumped after struggling to make things work for quite a long time, and I've suffered, while HE never committed or had the courage to end things properly, if nothing else. Ummm... Quote My ex ended our LDR during lockdown back in April, When he broke up ?????????? Sounds pretty clear that he did, indeed, end things properly if you got the message well enough to articulate it here. Quote the point was not to get him to cheat on her. I thought at the time I would be able to remain friends with him, to at least salvage something. Ok, if you and he were in a new relationship and his 5 year on again/off again ex wanted to come spend the day with him behind your back, the fact that they intended to not have physical sex, but spend their time emotionally connecting and salvaging emotional intimacy would be fine with you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 In this situation I can empathise with your point of view but I can also empathise with his and his new girlfriend’s. He is a new relationship which he has been for over 6 months. He made the decision to end the relationship with you and enter a relationship with someone else. He had his closure back in April. He doesn’t want you interfering in his new relationship or you ruining it for him. He wants you to get the message and back off. Im not saying his behaviour is kind but he’s understandably frustrated and irritated with you. You are not taking the hint to back off so he’s upped it up a notch. His girlfriend will not be happy that his ex is sniffing around. If she knows this she will be feeling threatened, insecure and it is probably putting strain on their relationship. I know this is hard to hear but he is choosing her. You should choose you too by being kind to yourself and stop putting yourself in the firing line to be kicked back emotionally. Please stop doing this to yourself. It won’t help you move on. Leave them alone and focus on you. One day you’ll find someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 On 10/26/2020 at 2:06 PM, silmina said: It sounds crazy the fact that he may be stringing me along? Oh really? HE is not "stringing you along" - YOU are playing a one-handed game, so as to let yourself seem/feel nearer to him (who has moved on) than you would be made to feel if you gave up the ghost already. Of course that is normal... but when gender roles are reversed, "stalking" is often invoked. If gender roles were reversed, a woman would have said: "(I'm not interested romantically, so lets just be friends)" just to get out of the awkward situation. So far you are behaving like the male who will not allow that woman out of the situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, silmina said: As I have said, the point was not to get him to cheat on her. I thought at the time I would be able to remain friends with him, to at least salvage something. Do people here only read half of what I type, the half that allows them to judge badly or...? People read what you typed. They're just don't agree with the excuses you come up with. It doesn't matter if you didn't want him to cheat. You were trying to cross a boundary there and it wasn't cool. How would you feel if your new boyfriend told you that his on-off fling of 5 years wanted to come visit him, to be friends? Come on, now. You need to get real with yourself here, or you will continue to make the same mistakes and waste more time with men in the future. Edited October 28, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 I understand where you're coming from, OP. I also have difficulty moving on from a disastrous relationship when I don't understand why the guy did the things he did. So analyzing his behavior helps me move on. But I cannot separate analyzing his actions from analyzing my own actions. I can't put his behavior and intentions in their proper context unless I am honest with myself about my own. That's where the willingness to engage in self-examination comes in. I believe that's what some of the comments that you consider critical are trying to encourage you to do. So, for your own sake don't be so quick to judge them as judgmental. The beauty of being able to understand your role and his is that it makes you less likely to make the kinds of decisions you made that kept you tied to this guy for five long years. I do think that coming to this forum was a good decision. Do take the time to read other people's posts about their own attempts to find closure. It might help give you insight and some good ideas. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 23 hours ago, silmina said: As I have said, the point was not to get him to cheat on her. I thought at the time I would be able to remain friends with him, to at least salvage something. Do people here only read half of what I type, the half that allows them to judge badly or...? We are reading everything you've said. Just because you don't like the advice you're being given doesn't mean that people "aren't reading" your posts. You tried to travel to go visit your ex who had a new gf, "while the gf was away". That is inappropriate and poor judgment on your part. The smart thing to do would have been to just leave him alone and move on. I'm not sure what you were trying to accomplish by desperately trying to keep him in your life... it's a waste of your time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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