How to make new friends during Covid ?

[Cookiesandough]

I am struggling. I am trying to make new friends in a different crowd than the one that I’m in. I still have a few friends,  but I want to make a lot more.

Today I even thought of joining a dating app just to make friends. I am worried about going back there because I have had problems in the past where used those apps for companionship and  emotional intimacy that  l wanted in friendship, but they developed romantic feelings and then I was in a bad situation. 
 

I was wondering if it’s still OK to use this for friendship if I am clear that I do want friendship. Should I work on going out with the few friends I have left to make new friends? Also, just any general suggestions on how I can make friends in a time of pestilence? 

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps ask yourself why you need "new" friends. As long as you are living with someone, being on dating apps is worthless on 2 levels. Your BF is not going to believe the story about " making friends" and people on dating apps will dismiss you as a catfish or time waster.

[d0nnivain]

Never use a dating app for friends.  A dating app is for romance. 

I made new friends during Covid by scheduling a recurring Friday Happy Hour for my block when lockdowns first began last March.  I put stickie notes on the front doors of the few (12) houses on my block & invited everyone to come stand outside at the end of their driveways with their favorite beverage -- adult or not -- to say hi, socialize with people other than those they were locked in with & just do a general wellness check.  There were 3 elderly people I hadn't seen & I wanted to check on.   People loved it so much it became a thing.  We shared a lot including small appliances & groceries when certain things were hard to find.  People put stuff in the middle of the street & then who needed it took it.  For example I scored a 20 pound bag of rice but was having trouble getting chicken so we swapped with the neighbors.  I got to know people I didn't know before, deepened connections with those I had passing acquaintance with & made some new friends.  It did wonders for my mental health in the dark days of the beginning. 

You can also volunteer to do something you care about.  Try offering your services to a local food bank.  They always need in person help.  

Try deepening the friendships you have rather than expanding the circle.  You are better off with a few true friends then an army of acquaintances.  

[Redhead14]

I question the wisdom of expanding your circle of friends during a pandemic.  Now is the time when you need friends you know well enough and can trust and are on the same page as you are in terms of mitigating the virus not strangers.  I wouldn't use a dating site intended for finding romance to look for platonic friendships.  Its misleading and may get you into some sticky situations as well.  If you simply must have new/more friends, join some kind of club - like a hiking club or photography club or church.  Ask your current circle of friends to introduce you to other people they know.

[Cookiesandough]

@Wiseman2 I’m living with my parents and I do not have a bf as of about a week and a half ago. Ty
 

@d0nnivainThank you! That’s an awesome story and gave me some hope. I feel a bit better about it after reading that. I know I just have to get more involved. So far I haven’t really been out since my break up. Thank you so much for the suggestions 

 

@Redhead14Your advice is also heeded. Something to consider for the time being. Thank you 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I know I just have to get more involved. So far I haven’t really been out since my break up.

You have only been broken up for a week.  Give yourself a break & let the world stop spinning.  Catch your breath.  Catch up with old friends before rushing out to make new ones.   

[Ruby Slippers]

I like @d0nnivain's approach to get the neighbors hanging out a bit. Personally, I wouldn't try to make new friends right now. Most people are not in the best state of mind.

I'm focusing on my own personal goals, like trimming down and getting more fit, working my big financial plan, being an uplifter for family and friends, improving my cooking skills, training my overly feisty and rambunctious kitten  

[Ellener]

1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Personally, I wouldn't try to make new friends right now. Most people are not in the best state of mind.

I too seem to spend a lot of time lately listening to people, encouraging strangers or virtual strangers and friends alike, and especially my increasingly despondent son. I've been talking to one man all year who I've never met, I keep thinking that will fade but so far he always gets back in touch. It's not the best time for new relationships I know but life goes on, and it looks like the pandemic is going to be going on into 2021 plus we haven't even had the subsequent recession fallout here yet...on balance experience tells me it's best to just keep going as best as possible with friendships and relationships even in less than desirable circumstances. Half of my life now has been negatively affected by major negative things well out of my control!

What you are doing @Ruby Slippers is important, in or out of relationships. I've been doing the same except now I can't walk or swim and I'm using a wheelchair- my top half is fitter than my bottom half...got to find a way to balance that...🦵🏾

PS. How do you train your kitten?! 

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

8 minutes ago, Ellener said:

I've been doing the same except now I can't walk or swim and I'm using a wheelchair

I'm sorry that things have gotten more difficult for you, but I have to say that I REALLY admire your positive attitude. You never, ever seem to have a victim mentality, which is so important in getting through and overcoming tough times. I'm pretty sure that with that, you're going to make it through all this OK.

9 minutes ago, Ellener said:

PS. How do you train your kitten?! 

*sigh* I'll admit to you that I've thought about taking him back to the shelter. He loves chewing on things, and in addition to chewing on his dozens of toys, he chews on the plants, the furniture, the edges of the rugs, anything he can get his teeth on. This means I can only let him out of his room if I'm good with constantly babysitting him. I keep the spray bottle with me all the time and have to spray him dozens of times every day because he's doing something he shouldn't. He gets frequent time-outs because he's just going wild.

When I first got him, he was being cuddly up near my face and he BIT my ear and pierced a hole right through it, making it bleed all over the place. It healed up OK, but I learned to never let him near my face. 

He constantly jumps on the older cat, and now that he's getting bigger and stronger, he aggressively wrestles her to the ground. She's 3 times his size but he's way more dominant. Half the time he's around, she's growling and hissing at him, beating him up with her paws, chasing him off. To him it's all a fun game.

I play with him all the time, but he hardly ever runs out of energy. He'll play for hours on end and show no sign of getting tired. Very occasionally he'll cuddle up and take a nap, but most of the time he just can't sit still and is all over the place. I feel like maybe he'd be a better fit in a very rambunctious household, perhaps with other young pets or kids.

But I don't want to give up on him just yet. I feel that since I adopted him, it's my responsibility to try everything. I'm considering getting him a harness and leash so I can talk him on walks around the neighborhood. Maybe it'll help if I can really tire him out. He's only 5 months old. Hopefully as he gets older he'll mellow out. 

[QuietRiot]

On 10/26/2020 at 9:48 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I am struggling. I am trying to make new friends in a different crowd than the one that I’m in. I still have a few friends,  but I want to make a lot more.

Today I even thought of joining a dating app just to make friends. I am worried about going back there because I have had problems in the past where used those apps for companionship and  emotional intimacy that  l wanted in friendship, but they developed romantic feelings and then I was in a bad situation. 
 

I was wondering if it’s still OK to use this for friendship if I am clear that I do want friendship. Should I work on going out with the few friends I have left to make new friends? Also, just any general suggestions on how I can make friends in a time of pestilence? 

Answer: Come to my neighborhood....plenty of anti-maskers congregating together in small groups already. So unless you're willing to go that route, that's the way to make friends (unfortuanately). 😛

[Ellener]

I've had my life @Ruby Slippers Lived it twice over 😃 and some! 

The kitten sounds challenging, they do 'teethe' at that age which should end at 6 or 7 months, maybe that will help.

There are 'cat-calming' products, chews and stuff, I wonder if they work? One of those cat perch things by the window in his space might help? Is that where you feed him, with his own dish? If playing with him doesn't tire him out maybe stop playing with him and only interact with him doing calm stuff? see what happens.

Some years ago I was working as a social worker at a project transitioning young people from care homes/foster care to independent living. One of the young people brought a kitten to me and it was wild, it ran up my face and over my head to hide, I thought it peed on me! but everyone was looking at me in horror- it had cut my face and I was covered in blood! When we found it I took it home and it lived wild in my garden for a few years. 

*

On 10/26/2020 at 8:48 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

general suggestions on how I can make friends in a time of pestilence? 

People are pretty stressed these days, and sticking close to home. There are Zoom groups for young people near me, and my UU church has social meetings online. Do you work? That can be a pseudo-social outlet sometimes, lots of jobs I've done or volunteer work we had a laugh there.

 

[elaine567]

Stop plauying for hours with the kitten, all you are doing is making him fitter and making him obsessed with the chase and the kill.
Cats in the wild do not play wih things for hours on end, they wait without hadly moving at a good spot for sometimes hours, then they catch it, play with it for 10 minutes tops and kill it. They then fall fast asleep.
If you want a calm kitten then stop winding him up.

[Shining One]

On 10/26/2020 at 9:48 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I am worried about going back there because I have had problems in the past where used those apps for companionship and  emotional intimacy that  l wanted in friendship, but they developed romantic feelings and then I was in a bad situation.

Don't use male friends for emotional intimacy. That should help prevent romantic feelings. When I was younger, I used to provide that emotional support for my female friends... and I developed feelings for every single one of them.

On 10/26/2020 at 9:48 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Also, just any general suggestions on how I can make friends in a time of pestilence? 

Why not use your gaming hobby? I've made several new online acquittances throughout the pandemic, including a local Twitch streamer (not "that kind" of streamer) who owes me dinner for losing to me in chess.

[Ruby Slippers]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

If you want a calm kitten then stop winding him up.

Every pet expert disagrees with you, says the best way to deal with a hyperactive cat or dog is to give him lots of exercise and play time. Days when I'm busy and don't have as much time to play with him, he's even more hyper and bored, getting into everything. Then even a short play session calms him down for a while. 

When the neighbors' cat has yet another litter of kittens, I see them playing in my yard for many hours as well. They'll play with anything - leaves blowing by, one another, racing up and down the trees over and over, even objects that don't move. 

Edited October 29, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Ruby Slippers]

@Ellener, I got him a tall cat tree, and he climbs all over it daily. He climbs the 8 feet in 2 seconds, 2 big leaps. He scratches it vigorously (I always praise him for that, as that's exactly where he should scratch), leaps up and down it, hangs from it, occasionally naps on it. 

I have to feed him in his room with the door closed. Otherwise, he scarfs his food down, then immediately runs to the other cat's dish and scarfs all her food down. She eats much more slowly, so they always have to eat separately if she's going to get any peace. 

[Ruby Slippers]

@Shortskirtslonglashes, sorry for the kitten tangent. 

[Ellener]

18 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

@Shortskirtslonglashes, sorry for the kitten tangent. 

Sorry @Shortskirtslonglashes I was just trying to be encouraging!

[mark clemson]

I believe there are now friendship apps for people looking for that, so that is something to consider should it be challenging by other means.

[Lotsgoingon]

There are hobby groups that are beginning to resume meeting--I'm thinking here mostly of outdoor groups. If that's your thing, join an outdoor group. There are also other clubs that are meeting up ... some via zoom ... So look for hobby interest groups. I've attended some workshops over zoom that would be far more expensive in person and met some really good people. 

 

[JohnKyle]

The whole world is passing a very hard time. I think you should wait for a bit until the Covid-29 ended. All the best!

[basil67]

On 10/29/2020 at 1:35 PM, Ruby Slippers said:

But I don't want to give up on him just yet. I feel that since I adopted him, it's my responsibility to try everything. I'm considering getting him a harness and leash so I can talk him on walks around the neighborhood. Maybe it'll help if I can really tire him out. He's only 5 months old. Hopefully as he gets older he'll mellow out. 

Start with getting advice from the vet.  If that doesn't work, get a cat behaviour specialist.

We've had behaviour advice for both our dog and the parrots and it turned their behaviour right around.

 

[JohnKyle]

Idea isn't bad at all. I think this is much helpful for the OP. 

[Cookiesandough]

Thanks so much for all the wonderful suggestions. It really did help. 
 

I can’t be helped, though. I am still really struggling with finding friendships and building my social circle. I was invited to help with a “socially distanced First Friday exhibit” thingy  by a prominent artist in my city. I am trying to get my art out in my community. But instead of seizing this opportunity, I decided to stay home and kick it with my dog and attend an existentialist zoom book club. Yeah. 
 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I don’t want it bad enough. On one hand, I do want to connect with others. On the other hand; well, I don’t and I really don’t like socializing with people all that much, to be honest with you. I guess this is not an uncommon dilemma.  Just thought I’d report back on how I continue to shoot myself in the foot and to thank you all. 

[Cookiesandough]

Also appreciate how I now know more about the kittens than I ever did before

[poppyfields]

shortskirts, I went through a period  where I pretty much became a loner, where I had no desire for outside connections.  My connections were limited to on-line friendships I made on forums like this and the friends I'd made during my travels throughout the US and Europe.  And at work.   And my family.

The rest of the time I spent a massive amount of time reading.  Anything I could get my hands on about interpersonal relationships, human behaviour, attraction, love, life!  Did me a world of good, I learned a hell of a lot!  

I then started writing again, poetry mostly. 

You mentioned getting your art out, what type of art?  Why not focus on that for a bit, not getting it out, but creating?   Creating in and of itself can be quite rewarding. 

I could be wrong but I sense you feel a certain pressure to be outside making new friends/connections, versus something you naturally want to do, from your heart.   I know I did. 

There is nothing wrong with preferring to be on your own, as long as you are content and happy. 

Maybe you can find a website whose members create the same art you do and you can connect that way?  There is no law that says you must meet in person.  

I have found the on-line connections I've made with people all over the world to be incredibly rewarding!  

I believe there are friendships apps but I think a website whose members share a common interest like your art or gaming would be better.  

Just some things to consider, all the best.