mortensorchid Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 Last weekend I went to karate class. Since the shutdown things like that have been suspended. Scroll back to see my difficulties with this (of you're able to). I returned to karate after the conflict of interests / emotions with my sensei. I popped in after confirming with the front desk that classes were back on again after months of silence. The county is on purple alert now with the virus if it goes back to red this and other classes at the place will be canceled but that's a separate issue. I came in and saw others there, I sat off to the side (I was on my period that weekend so I avoid karate on those days). The sensei saw me and said hello, I came up to him during a break and said I had talked to the front desk this week and they said classes were back on. He said he hadn't seen me and didn't want to assume I was coming back. They had just restarted classes two weeks before. I feel like when I am there that I am like a spanked child - I did something wrong and I am somewhat tolerated but not really welcome even though he said I was. And people wonder why I am insecure. Anyone else feel like this? Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 If you had conflicting emotions with this person, it is very normal to feel awkward. You'll want to get back into some sort of rhythm with attending the classes again. He probably feels awkward too. Let me ask (since I haven't reviewed your other threads) did you express some feelings for him that were not returned? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 As long as you are paying for classes and there are no covid restrictions, go whenever you feel up to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 (edited) Hmmm..........I don't know the back story..........but it's weird times with Covid, I have been frustrated a couple of times with the changes. I would not get down on yourself, it's not you. Edited October 27, 2020 by Fletch Lives Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 27, 2020 Share Posted October 27, 2020 IIRC, you were sortof reprimanded by this man for your general attitude about life. I suggest you change your mindset and think the best about him....that he actually wants the best for you....and was offering constructive criticism. Accept it as such, swallow your pride, try to learn from it, and resume classes if you really miss karate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted October 28, 2020 Author Share Posted October 28, 2020 22 hours ago, major_merrick said: If you had conflicting emotions with this person, it is very normal to feel awkward. You'll want to get back into some sort of rhythm with attending the classes again. He probably feels awkward too. Let me ask (since I haven't reviewed your other threads) did you express some feelings for him that were not returned? Not like that. I had him down as a reference in a job search and asked him to be one again. He said he wanted to meet up with me later on and I agreed. He said what he thought about me - I have talent but I am entitled and then named all offenses I committed. He asked what I thought after that, I said " I don't know" and left. I went home and cried for a few hours. Then I didn't return to karate. After six months he wrote me an email saying that he said he always thought I had it in me to be a black belt and I was welcome in class. I reappeared a few months later and he asked how I was as I said I was depressed and hurting after that meeting. I said "Fine". And that was it. I guess what I don't understand is why it is others feel this constant need to tell me what's wrong with me. My only reaction to it is to just remain silent and not think of myself as "one of them". Any trained therapist would say to be proud of who you are and what I have accomplished. But when others tell you how stupid you are, whether it's a friend or a coworker or whoever else, it makes you want to just be back to where you started. I adopted a stance years ago to just be a blank slate from now on - never share much about myself, only talk about neutral topics, and never show myself to others. It's safer this way. Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 Wow. OK, I totally misunderstood. Weird for him to want to meet with you and name a list of all kinds of things wrong with you. Is there any validity to the things he mentioned, or was it pretty much baseless? If it was me, I probably wouldn't return and have any interaction with somebody like that. Certainly not to pay them money for lessons. There's other instructors in the world - including people who don't want to take a drill-sergeant attitude with their students. I definitely understand why you wouldn't want to show yourself to others or trust people. I've had my share of negative interactions, so I know how you feel. Instead of hiding, I take an opposite approach and I'm pretty bold about who I am and what I want - critics be damned. But that approach isn't for everybody, as you can create plenty of conflict that wouldn't be there otherwise. Please continue to take lessons in some kind of martial art. You don't have to go back to see that guy, or even keep up with karate. Just do something physical and defense-related. You could take up Krav Maga or fencing or whatever you'd like to do. Nothing builds self-confidence like having the proven physical ability to inflict pain and damage (whether you use it in earnest or not.) Cute girls should be dangerous! 😇 And regular, vigorous practice gives you endorphins and other feel-good brain chemicals. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 (edited) Did he agree to give the reference? Or was his meeting with you to explain why he couldn't give a reference? While it's hurtful to hear how others view us, those who are candid with their opinions can give us the information required to address what's going wrong for us socially/romantically/workwise. Have you given any thought to whether his words had any truth to them? Edited October 28, 2020 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 2 hours ago, mortensorchid said: ... then named all offenses I committed. I don't understand this statement. Can you elaborate or give details?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted October 30, 2020 Author Share Posted October 30, 2020 He was meeting with me to tell me why he would not give me a reference anymore. And to tell me why he wasn't based on my behaviors in the last several years he'd known me. And I admit I am not a perfect person, in long term relationships of any kind there is a lot of drama, but I am fed up with people telling me what's wrong with me at all times. I never tell them what's wrong with them, they would get all offended and hate me for it. Narcissistic personality disorder exists among others to be sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted October 30, 2020 Share Posted October 30, 2020 15 hours ago, mortensorchid said: ...but I am fed up with people telling me what's wrong with me at all times. That's fine if you want to be alone and minimize interacting with other humans. In a "polite society" there are social norms that are expected if we want to socialize/interact with one another. Your other choice is to interact with a group that doesn't adhere to "polite society" or social norms. 15 hours ago, mortensorchid said: He was meeting with me to tell me why he would not give me a reference anymore. Why meet with this individual?? He said he wouldn't give you the "reference" you desired, so was your goal (in meeting him) to change his mind?? Personally, I wouldn't want to hear his "constructive criticism", he rejected my request for a "reference". Why would I want to hear negative things about myself, especially when I'm inflexible and don't want to change. Accept me how I am (for all of my flaws) or have nothing to do with me. If it is the latter, so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 Completely rude and unnecessary of your sensei Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 Constructive criticism is very helpful or very rude depending on the attitude of the person who receives it. MO has had difficulties getting references and being kept on at jobs for quite a while and hasn't understood why. Him giving a reason he can't give a reference is more helpful than the previous person who likely make up an excuse as to why he couldn't. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 9 hours ago, basil67 said: Constructive criticism is very helpful or very rude depending on the attitude of the person who receives it. MO has had difficulties getting references and being kept on at jobs for quite a while and hasn't understood why. Him giving a reason he can't give a reference is more helpful than the previous person who likely make up an excuse as to why he couldn't. Although constructive criticism can be helpful, we are talking about a karate dojo/studio, not a job. Unless you are suggesting that MO acts the same at the dojo, as she does on the job?? The way one would act while pursuing a hobby/sport should be different than how they act on the job (at work). Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 6 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: Although constructive criticism can be helpful, we are talking about a karate dojo/studio, not a job. We're talking about a martial arts teacher who was asked to give a reference. I don't think that giving constructive criticism along with a "I'm sorry I can't give you a reference" is unrealistic. Had he delivered the criticism without being asked for a reference, I would agree with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 1 hour ago, basil67 said: We're talking about a martial arts teacher who was asked to give a reference. OK... I think I'm a bit confused. I was thinking the Karate classes were a hobby/sport that MO was engaging in and she was asking the teacher to be a personal reference. Had she'd been an employee of the dojo, this would have been a past job reference?? HUGE difference... I don't think she was an employee of the dojo but a customer/participant, one is allowed to act differently as customer vs. an employee. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 (edited) Yes, it would have been a personal reference. And of course she's allowed to act differently at the dojo to work. But she has asked for a reference based on how she acts as a customer and he couldn't give her one. I just find a straight up "I'm sorry I can't give you a reference" even colder than refusing, but giving constructive criticism with the refusal.. Each to his own, I guess. Edited November 11, 2020 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: Yes, it would have been a personal reference. But I still think it's better to explain why you can't give a person a reference than just say "no, sorry I can't help you" I'm also thinking that using someone that you perform a hobby/sport with would not make the best individual for a "personal" reference for a job. The way I am when engaging in a sport/hobby (blowing off some steam and having fun) is NOT the person I am at work (when I worked). I used past business associates as "personal references" if I was asked for some when applying for a job. I do remember helping an accounting student/neighbor who wanted a personal reference for a job. I remember talking to that gentleman's potential employer and he did get the job. I think a neighbor/business associate would make a much better personal reference than someone where I play my sport/hobby. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: . I think a neighbor/business associate would make a much better personal reference than someone where I play my sport/hobby. Indeed it would. However MO has recently written about a business associate/boss giving a bogus excuse as to why he couldn't give a reference and has ongoing issues finding recommendation so that she can access permanent roles in her field. She simply isn't being given business references. The dojo owner would have been an attempt to fill a gap in references. Edited November 11, 2020 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 7 minutes ago, basil67 said: The dojo owner would have been an attempt to fill a gap in references. Not a good choice... I think I would have kept digging in my past in an attempt to find someone better for a "personal" reference. Perhaps some place where she volunteered?? The theater where she helped out on the sets?? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 Just now, Happy Lemming said: Not a good choice... I think I would have kept digging in my past in an attempt to find someone better for a "personal" reference. Perhaps some place where she volunteered?? The theater where she helped out on the sets?? If she was on good terms with the volunteer group, this would be an excellent choice. But something was going pear shaped at the theatre and she was upset because wasn't being cast in roles. I suspect she wouldn't get a good reference there. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 8 minutes ago, basil67 said: If she was on good terms with the volunteer group, this would be an excellent choice. But something was going pear shaped at the theatre and she was upset because wasn't being cast in roles. I suspect she wouldn't get a good reference there. Yes... I kind of remember something going south at the theater group and something about a "Facebook" post, etc. Its a shame she couldn't have left on good terms and salvaged a colleague or two for references. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted November 15, 2020 Author Share Posted November 15, 2020 I have given this much thought, believe me. I realize now that this is part of what a long term relationship is - it's a lot of drama and a lot of ups and downs and whatnot. In short, it's complicated. I will keep calm and carry on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted November 15, 2020 Share Posted November 15, 2020 Well... since I feel most of these places are just a scam, and a way for the "School" to make money (you basically buy your belt)... I would say... just find another place to study. No reason to add more stress to your life by dealing with an A-hole. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted November 15, 2020 Share Posted November 15, 2020 (edited) Fair enough. I just don’t see it as being the place of a karate teacher to tell one of his students all the things he thinks are wrong with them. Then again, yes, I am one of those people that does not appreciate unsolicited constructive criticism from someone when it’s not necessary. That is just me Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes Link to post Share on other sites
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