Feeling insecure

[Acacia98]

On 11/11/2020 at 7:34 AM, basil67 said:

Constructive criticism is very helpful or very rude depending on the attitude of the person who receives it.   

MO has had difficulties getting references and being kept on at jobs for quite a while and hasn't understood why.  Him giving a reason he can't give a reference is more helpful than the previous person who likely make up an excuse as to why he couldn't.  

Assuming the criticism was on point and constructive, I agree. I think asking someone for a reference basically opens the door to both positive and negative feedback. And it sounds like he gave both. It can be hard to be on the receiving end of criticism, but if one is already having difficulty getting references and sustaining long-term business relationships (or whatever) the criticism can help clue them in on what they're doing wrong.

[Cookiesandough]

11 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Assuming the criticism was on point and constructive, I agree. I think asking someone for a reference basically opens the door to both positive and negative feedback. And it sounds like he gave both. It can be hard to be on the receiving end of criticism, but if one is already having difficulty getting references and sustaining long-term business relationships (or whatever) the criticism can help clue them in on what they're doing wrong.

True. Generally though, when you ask for a reference the person either will do it or won’t do it and that’s that. I could then ask  “can you tell me why?“ This guy took it upon himself to really go above and beyond. Not that surprising calling someone into your office and then tearing into them after they asked you for a reference could be taken more negatively than was intended ^^

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Watercolors]

MO, never ask a former relationship partner for a personal or professional reference. That just is asking for trouble. They'll never say "yes" to such a request. Why did you think after all that you went through with your karate teacher, that he would agree to give you a reference for employment?

I asked a previous place of employment for reference -- the h.r. director, and she referred me back to the temp agency. So, I pushed for a reason why and she admitted that she didn't like me as a person, so she'd never give me a positive employment reference. Am I crying at home about it? Nope. But at least I know now, never to ask her again for a future employment reference.

 

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

True. Generally though, when you ask for a reference the person either will do it or won’t do it and that’s that. I could then ask  “can you tell me why?“ This guy took it upon himself to really go above and beyond. Not that surprising calling someone into your office and then tearing into them after they asked you for a reference could be taken more negatively than was intended ^^

It all comes down to the person's tone, I think and to how they dress the message. I don't know if he tore into her or tried to be gentle. If he was blunt, then that sure would have hurt deeply.

And maybe the nature of their relationship matters too. If he sees her as some sort of mentee (as might sometimes happen in this type of scenario), then he might see it as his responsibility to be open with her.

I think it's hard to take criticism. Heck, I think I would have reacted exactly the way she did: gone home and cried. But then afterwards, in the privacy of my home, I would have done some soul-searching to see if it was possible that he was right.

Based on other folks' posts, it sounds like OP may be struggling to make strong connections professionally and socially and doesn't know why. That could be very debilitating. His feedback (if it was accurate) could end up being the bitter dose of medicine that helps her.

Of course it is entirely possible that he's lacking in basic social skills.

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Edited to add: I've noticed some comments to the effect that she was previously in a relationship with the guy. I know nothing about that, so my comments don't take that into consideration 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Acacia98

[Happy Lemming]

24 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I asked a previous place of employment for reference...

When I worked, I usually tried to get a "letter of recommendation" when I left. If a new potential employer asked about a previous employer, I'd tell the company was sold or is out of business and present them with a copy of my "letter of recommendation". 

That seemed to work.

 

[Cookiesandough]

Oh wow, I also did not know they had a romantic relationship ...It seemed weird and I guess that offers somewhat of an explanation.