Should I give him a second chance ?

[Kara_nia]

Hello,

Maybe some of you have seen my previous topic about my ex-boyfriend. We spent a year together, he was kind, caring and affectionnate but basically never told me anything about his feelings. He pretended that he wanted a future and a serious relationship with me when I asked a few times, because I was feeling confused by his behavior. I was still feeling sad and unhappy because his actions weren't matching his words so I left him and his country. He then admitted that during this past year he was never sure if he loved me, if he wanted something long-term, he said he was scared about a long-term relationship but he also knew he liked me a lot and wanted to get more time to find out about his feelings. He says that now, experiencing life without me, he is now sure that he loves me, that he wants a long-term relationship with me and is fully committed.

I was very hurt by the fact he lied (when he said previously he wanted something serious with me when he actually didn't know...) and acted selfish in order to keep me by his side, instead of telling me the truth and let me decide what was best for me. I explained how betrayed I feel and how it's impossible for me to trust him now.

He apologized, a lot, explained himself, opened up a lot about his feelings, apologized again for hurting me, and said he wanted, if I agree, to move near me (so move in a completely foreign country for him and leave everything behind), find a job and get the chance to work on re-gaining my trust over time.

I honestly don't know what to do. He seems to be a completely different person, more assertive, more confident and with much more determination, and I feel even more confused. I still love him, and I really miss him. We share a lot of similar interests, a lot of similar values, I have a lot of admiration for some of his qualities, he makes me feel seen and heard for who I am, he is very supportive...

I asked him to stop contacting me for 2 months because I'm going through some difficult times and I need to focus on myself in order to properly heal. I know he is going to respect that, he fully understood and he supports me.

I'm not sure if it's a good idea to give a second chance to someone that hurt me. I also acknowledge that I have my part in our relationship failure, so it's not all on him.

What would you recommend?

Thank you!

[Fletch Lives]

This happens alllll the time............man wants the relationship to stay the same, woman wants it to progress. Then woman has to threaten to leave or leave for the man to see the light.

I'd say he has learned his lesson - Go back and reclaim your man! What a beautiful love story!

[Wiseman2]

Quote

I really feel depressed, lost, empty and not sure about what to do, when... I have zero energy and sleep very bad. I'm having weird dreams and nightmares,

He now pretends he knows that he loves me and wants a future but we are now long-distance

Why bother with this? Good you deleted and blocked him. Stop all communication. He treated you poorly for a year, so why do a rerun of that? Surely there are decent local men you can date? 

It time to take care of your physical and mental health. It's time to see a doctor about these symptoms, eating disorders, etc. and get support from a therapist. LDRs are nonsense, this man is nonsense, so good you are cutting that out of your life. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Kara_nia said:

I left him and his country.

Love doesn't conquer immigration issues during a pandemic.  Even if you wanted to go backwards there is no meaningful way to close the distance.  So what's the plan reconcile with a man you can't see?   

[Kara_nia]

58 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

This happens alllll the time............man wants the relationship to stay the same, woman wants it to progress. Then woman has to threaten to leave or leave for the man to see the light.

I'd say he has learned his lesson - Go back and reclaim your man! What a beautiful love story!

This is what I'm trying to find out, a part of me feels that he is really genuine, another part is more thinking that I would be fool to give another chance to someone that hurt me already but nothing is all black or white so... Thank you for your input.

[Kara_nia]

42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why bother with this? Good you deleted and blocked him. Stop all communication. He treated you poorly for a year, so why do a rerun of that? Surely there are decent local men you can date? 

It time to take care of your physical and mental health. It's time to see a doctor about these symptoms, eating disorders, etc. and get support from a therapist. LDRs are nonsense, this man is nonsense, so good you are cutting that out of your life. 

Thank you. Well I don't really want to date someone else, I don't feel the absolute need to be in a relationship but I miss him and what makes him special in a good way.

I'm seeing intensively a therapist since my previous posts, and I'm also adressing my eating disorder. This is why I asked him to stop contacting me for 2 months, so I could focus fully on myself and not on the potential (or not) with us, specially now that we are away. I do not wish to be in a LDR.

[Kara_nia]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Love doesn't conquer immigration issues during a pandemic.  Even if you wanted to go backwards there is no meaningful way to close the distance.  So what's the plan reconcile with a man you can't see?   

You're right, I know, and I don't want a LDR. My plan is to move to another country (it was my plan before anyway) as soon as this country border will reopen for workers, and his plan is to join me there, so he can prove me day after day that he is committed, loves me and is genuine. We can both obtain easily temporary work visa for this country, the problem is the pandemic. If I can't move there soon enough (in the next 6 months or so), he would like to join me in my home country. He also wants to visit me in my home country after the 2 months no contact, if I feel like it and if the borders allow it. 

I do not intend to entertain a LDR, nor to be in a "relationship" (I don't want a penpal) while we are away from each other anyway. And I told him that trust is an issue right now and I can't be with someone that I don't trust so he wants to work on that and proves himself, and that also involves living next to me . If I agree of course.

[kendahke]

On 10/27/2020 at 9:08 AM, Kara_nia said:

What would you recommend?

I wouldn't move back without a marriage proposal, a date set and him asking your parents for you hand.

Don't upend your life for this. He's telling you what you want to hear because whatever he had that was telling him you weren't it when he had you didn't work out.

He not so much wants you as he wants familiarity with someone who'll accept the bare minimum.

He needs to move to where you are to be taken seriously.

[Kara_nia]

On 10/30/2020 at 5:33 PM, kendahke said:

I wouldn't move back without a marriage proposal, a date set and him asking your parents for you hand.

Don't upend your life for this. He's telling you what you want to hear because whatever he had that was telling him you weren't it when he had you didn't work out.

He not so much wants you as he wants familiarity with someone who'll accept the bare minimum.

He needs to move to where you are to be taken seriously.

Thanks for your answer. I actually feared the same thing (that he is here because he wants to stay in the comfort of this relation where he doesn't give much, but I deserve way better than the bare minimum he has to offer) so I said no a few days ago, and was firm enough for him to understand we were done forever and no more discussion or contact.

And I feel relieved.

He was strongly against marriage though, and I wanted to get married at some point so...