in my feels

[beentheredonethat77]

im like your ex-gf in that i tend to be a flakey texter and dont initiate texts.   

BUT... 100% if i want to reconcile with a man i love.. i am not dropping off mid-conver and forgetting about him.   I'd message when i got in the taxi.. or home.. or in bed that night.. hes on my mind and im not just forgetting the conversation. 

Texting back for a conversation and then stopping mid-way through is NOT love.  Replying back at all isn't love.. its simply cordial to someone who was a part of her life for a long time.. but you thinking this is a sign she still loves you is where the denial comes in IMHO.   More likely, she was a bit buzzed and friend was in bathroom or on her phone and she was filling in time -- in any case, she 'forgot' about the conver and left it mid-way because someone or something came along more important or interesting.   Ive been known to chat to all kinds of people on text while im waiting at a bar for a friend or for a taxi.. sometimes its just filling in time.

Also you mentioned the relationship was "very good" in your opinion and only the odd argument -- but then you say you think she ended it because of too much arguing.   If it was as 'very good' as you say.. then it just wouldn't have ended.   She would have found a way back to you after you made amends with her family.. she didn't want to .. she can reach you and she is not trying to reconcile.   I dont care how bad she is with texting (like i said, im the same) -- us bad texters will always suddenly get good at it when we want something/ someone badly enough.

 

I would move on....not give her space 'for now' -- give her space, period --  by moving on with your life without her.

 

Edited October 27, 2020 by beentheredonethat77

[Californiakid66]

56 minutes ago, basil67 said:

As you're the one who reached out to her - and she didn't even stay with the conversation till the end - she can't be accused of bread crumbing.  

There's no evidence behind those words.  Just over-analysing.

If it makes you feel better mate, we spoke a couple weeks ago and she DID stay till the end, I ended the convo first. 

[Californiakid66]

47 minutes ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

im like your ex-gf in that i tend to be a flakey texter and dont initiate texts.   

BUT... 100% if i want to reconcile with a man i love.. i am not dropping off mid-conver and forgetting about him.   I'd message when i got in the taxi.. or home.. or in bed that night.. hes on my mind and im not just forgetting the conversation. 

Texting back for a conversation and then stopping mid-way through is NOT love.  Replying back at all isn't love.. its simply cordial to someone who was a part of her life for a long time.. but you thinking this is a sign she still loves you is where the denial comes in IMHO.   More likely, she was a bit buzzed and friend was in bathroom or on her phone and she was filling in time -- in any case, she 'forgot' about the conver and left it mid-way because someone or something came along more important or interesting.   Ive been known to chat to all kinds of people on text while im waiting at a bar for a friend or for a taxi.. sometimes its just filling in time.

Also you mentioned the relationship was "very good" in your opinion and only the odd argument -- but then you say you think she ended it because of too much arguing.   If it was as 'very good' as you say.. then it just wouldn't have ended.   She would have found a way back to you after you made amends with her family.. she didn't want to .. she can reach you and she is not trying to reconcile.   I dont care how bad she is with texting (like i said, im the same) -- us bad texters will always suddenly get good at it when we want something/ someone badly enough.

 

I would move on....not give her space 'for now' -- give her space, period --  by moving on with your life without her.

 

Very true, even a blunt reply would’ve been better than no reply. But I guess she’s just not willing like I am and I have made the conscious decision to just give her space and work on myself again. 
 

for me I personally felt arguments are v normal in a relationship but maybe in her mind the arguments aren’t normal so she probably felt one argument is too much. 
 

point taken, she doesn’t want me. 

[Californiakid66]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Why the long NC?
Why did you do that?
 

Long story short; I just wanted to be away from her, I wanted to work on myself while simultaneously let her miss me 

[beentheredonethat77]

2 hours ago, Californiakid66 said:

Very true, even a blunt reply would’ve been better than no reply. But I guess she’s just not willing like I am and I have made the conscious decision to just give her space and work on myself again. 
 

for me I personally felt arguments are v normal in a relationship but maybe in her mind the arguments aren’t normal so she probably felt one argument is too much. 
 

point taken, she doesn’t want me. 

Its hard and we've all been there  

 

Once you go NC .. and for real this time, not checking to see if she is missing you -- but truly letting go/grieving the relationship and opening yourself up to new opportunities... you'll be walking in the direction of healing.  Its not going to happen quickly so strap yourself in but right now you're in a holding pattern that could keep you wasting years of your life 'waiting' and looking for signs she loves or misses you -- then what happens when she gets in a new relationship? the pain will be horrendous.    Move on and start the healing process.    Sorry you are going through this ..so  painful but how painful all depends on what you do next. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Californiakid66 said:

you can't ougtrow someone you love 

That's exactly the point, though. 

She has outgrown you because she doesn't have that kind of love for you anymore. I am sure she wants the best for you, and doesn't dislike you, but there is nothing in your post to suggest that she feels the same way that you do about her. 

As many have pointed out, this ship sailed. She doesn't miss you the way you hoped. 

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, Californiakid66 said:

Long story short; I just wanted to be away from her, I wanted to work on myself while simultaneously let her miss me 

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" may be fine if you had gone to war, but you went NC and that usually results in another well known saying "Out of sight, out of mind."
NC is about disengaging and learning how to move on, it is not a trick designed to get someone back.
Seems to me so many men(usually) feel they need to improve themselves and feel once they have done that they can just  show up and pick up where they left off.
BUT break ups dont work like that. You were arguing a lot, you had a blow out with her family, but even after the apologies, it still didn't work out and you went NC.
Frankly she doesn't care how much you have worked on yourself as that does not erase the damage done during the relationship.
This is the part that many struggle with, but bad things happening tend to cancel out ALL of the good, you don't usually get to make amends and start all over again.
Once on the path to break up, then it is a done deal.
Romanntic love is not unconditonal and  everlasting, you screw up and it quickly dies.

She is being polite here.
She has  not rushed into your arms nor is she discussing reconciliation, nor is she excited or relieved you are back on the scene.
Women can easily be just friends with exes, the fact she is talking to you means nothing, bar she doesn't hate you.... but even then... 

Accept she is gone and next time take arguing very seriously.
Arguing kills relationships. Men in general think it is no big deal, we argue, we make up, all fixed, we forget.
Women in general see it as a huge deal, we argue, we make up... but nothing in her moind is fixed, she does not forget and 3 years after she will still remember that argument and all the others  as she is walking out the door... Take heed.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Californiakid66 said:

I personally felt arguments are normal in a relationship but maybe in her mind the arguments aren’t normal so she probably felt one argument is too much. 
 

point taken, she doesn’t want me. 

Being with someone who is argumentative is exhausting.

She wants someone who she can get along with and date, not someone who is snarky, dismissive and wants a sparring partner.

[d0nnivain]

13 hours ago, Californiakid66 said:

for me I personally felt arguments are v normal in a relationship but maybe in her mind the arguments aren’t normal so she probably felt one argument is too much. 

It's OK to disagree with your partner.  Multiple full blown arguments are not normal, however.  When you are fighting, somebody is not listening.  Neither of you are looking for ways to bridge the gap & find compromise.  It's a problem.  

[Californiakid66]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

It's OK to disagree with your partner.  Multiple full blown arguments are not normal, however.  When you are fighting, somebody is not listening.  Neither of you are looking for ways to bridge the gap & find compromise.  It's a problem.  

We had disagreements. We never argued in person loool. It was always over text, there was never a time in 4 years in which we had a disagreement in person that ended in us shouting or screaming or crying 💁🏻‍♀️ Just to recap never had a full blown argument at all 

[d0nnivain]

16 minutes ago, Californiakid66 said:

 We never argued in person loool. It was always over text, 

Arguing over text is just silly.  If the issue isn't important enough to discuss in person, why bother?  

[Californiakid66]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Arguing over text is just silly.  If the issue isn't important enough to discuss in person, why bother?  

It was never anything serious; it was really trivial stuff but once we both stopped being moody and actually talked (texted) like adults we would solve it in 5 mins 

our relationship had no red flags or major issues at all which is probably why I’m finding it so hard to let go but oh well

[Californiakid66]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Arguing over text is just silly.  If the issue isn't important enough to discuss in person, why bother?  

Bear in mind we are both only 25 years old so it’s not like we’re fully adults yet

[d0nnivain]

You are 25, not 15.  You can vote, drive, drink & serve your country in the military.  You are fully grown adults.  At your age I had a very responsible job, car payments & a life.  Falling back on "we're not adults yet" is infantilizing yourself.  It's way past time to grow up.  

[Californiakid66]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are 25, not 15.  You can vote, drive, drink & serve your country in the military.  You are fully grown adults.  At your age I had a very responsible job, car payments & a life.  Falling back on "we're not adults yet" is infantilizing yourself.  It's way past time to grow up.  

Okay? that's great for you hahahah just because we're 25 doesn't mean we have everything figured out. 

 

 

Edited October 28, 2020 by Californiakid66

[Californiakid66]

12 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

Its hard and we've all been there  

 

Once you go NC .. and for real this time, not checking to see if she is missing you -- but truly letting go/grieving the relationship and opening yourself up to new opportunities... you'll be walking in the direction of healing.  Its not going to happen quickly so strap yourself in but right now you're in a holding pattern that could keep you wasting years of your life 'waiting' and looking for signs she loves or misses you -- then what happens when she gets in a new relationship? the pain will be horrendous.    Move on and start the healing process.    Sorry you are going through this ..so  painful but how painful all depends on what you do next. 

Maybe it is time for me to let it all go. you're right, i can't wait around forever for someone to change their mind. Ive read a lot about Grass is greener and that is all i can think of, we had no major issues but maybe she thinks she can be (and is) happier without me

[Californiakid66]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Being with someone who is argumentative is exhausting.

She wants someone who she can get along with and date, not someone who is snarky, dismissive and wants a sparring partner.

where have i said i was any of those things? we never argued. we had disagreements over text then sorted it 5 mins later basically. 

[notbroken]

People are giving  you good answers and you are resisting and ignoring the obvious just because you don't like it.   It won't help you.  Out. 

[Californiakid66]

1 minute ago, notbroken said:

People are giving  you good answers and you are resisting and ignoring the obvious just because you don't like it.   It won't help you.  Out. 

subjective

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Californiakid66 said:

Okay? that's great for you hahahah just because we're 25 doesn't mean we have everything figured out. 

I think this actually has a lot to do with your break-up, but not in the way you might imagine. 

Who we are as young adults entering our 20s is often quite different from who were are just a few years later. That is why people tend to date around more in their 20s rather than choosing their life partners. She's still figuring out who she is and what she wants (as many people in your age group are) and that extends to romantic relationships. A relationship doesn't have to be riddled with red flags or arguments for it to fizzle out. Young people tend not be ready to truly settle down and commit forever. 

Not all relationships are meant to last, especially when the person is younger and less experienced. 

 

[kendahke]

On 10/27/2020 at 1:18 PM, Californiakid66 said:

I mean that could be true but then why reply in the first place?

because she wanted you to know what she thought and then she was done.

And it is true...

Edited October 28, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

6 hours ago, Californiakid66 said:

we never argued. we had disagreements over text then sorted it 5 mins later basically. 

That's how you're spinning it to us to make yourself look above reproach. However, to her, they may have been arguments and right now, how she sees things is what matters to her.  What is clear is that your mouth has gotten you where you find yourself (else you wouldn't have had to go, hat in hand, to apologize to her father and sister) and you don't like living with the consequences of your actions.

You can best believe her dad, while giving you lip service and feigning acceptance of you apology, as been in her ear ever since telling her to cut you loose.

People get tired of sparring all the time. It's not attractive; it's tiring and it sounds like she's done. No one is saying you have to like it, but you do have to accept it. She's decided life is better without you in it.  You're just going to have to take your ball and go find another court to play on.

Edited October 28, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

7 hours ago, Californiakid66 said:

Bear in mind we are both only 25 years old so it’s not like we’re fully adults yet

Yes you are.  You're at the age where the brain is fully formed.

And the law says you're adults.

[basil67]

On 10/28/2020 at 9:51 AM, Californiakid66 said:

If it makes you feel better mate, we spoke a couple weeks ago and she DID stay till the end, I ended the convo first. 

So there's no problem then?