should I stay or should I go?

[Badlass75]

My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We were separated for a little over 2 years (late 2016 to start of 2019) when he left me to go be with his girlfriend (that I had caught him cheating on me with). Yup.

I didn't exactly welcome him back, but I didn't stop him either. Since he's been back, we've had a mix of good and bad times, scant sex (none for almost a year now). Our family is..."nice". We have two kids age 8 and 9. It's basically like a roommate situation with foot rubs and the odd kiss. We remained friends throughout the entire thing because we are in 2 bands together, AND because I have nerves of steel apparently. So we still have a lot in common, even though a lot of the time I think to myself "what an idiot/jerk/irresponsible tool".

Since he's been back, his ex is fully out of the picture (believe me, I check), but twice in 2019 I found emails of his to escort services. (Back when he was with the girlfriend he also told ANOTHER girl that he was in an open marriage to try and hook up with her). He tries to excuse all of this behaviour as a midlife crisis/stupid judgment, but so much damage has been done, as anyone who's gone through something like this knows.

When he was gone, he was gone for so long that I started to assume I was going to be single, and started imagining a new life for myself - something I never otherwise would have done. I also got quite fit, had some crushes (no dates, no sex, but I started to get that spark again after a lot of pain). When he came back it was like a knife to the chest because I thought "how am I going to go through this again? how am I going to open myself up again?"

Truth is, I have and I haven't. I still have a major wall up. Since he's been back I've also gained 35 pounds.   I fantasize multiple times a week about being on my own. Not with a new guy, but on my own. Ok, I fantasize about flings, but not about a new husband. Again, these are things I never had on my mind until he forced me to get over him.

And now? I feel stuck. We can't do in-person marital counseling due to COVID and I'm thinking we have got to do some online counseling so I can finally come to grips with the trauma I went through, and either dump his ass or truly give us a proper shot again. Right now I am in constant limbo, and there's still a lot of pain there.

Infidelity isn't our only issue. He's very unsatisfied with his life, particularly his unfulfilled dreams, and very depressive. He mentions suicide sometimes. So things that may have driven him to cheat have not been resolved.I tried so much to help him with his depression and do whatever it took to give him the time he needed to pursue his dreams, and nowadays I have no patience left. I still support him but I will no longer get dragged into drawn out conversations about how he "can't" do things. If he wants to blame me for things, I just let him. i'm over arguing.

I don't know what I'm asking for, but if anyone has any words of wisdom or 'been there' advice, please send it my way. Thanks. 

Edited October 27, 2020 by Badlass75

[elaine567]

It's a bit of a trite saying but "Life is not a rehearsal"; and it happens to be true.
Yes you can free wheel for the next few years even decades getting fatter and fatter, more and more miserable, whilst he sucks any residual self esteem you may have, out of you, with his affairs, hook ups and escorts, and the next time you look up, you will be 50-60 and it is all over.
Obese, depressed and no doubt full of resentment, just perfect dating material...
SO, get out now whilst you still have something of the old you left. 
MC is about saving the marriage and that usuallly means rug sweeping the infidelity and persuading the BS to swallow it all for the sake of the marriage.
I doubt that is what you actually need. 
Go to individual conselling and suss out how you really feel.

[schlumpy]

What are your reasons for staying in this marriage?

Is it convenience? You are comfortable and the effort to reset your life is too daunting?

Are you staying for the kids?

Is this all emotion in that good people don't get divorced or what will the family think?

He's back and visiting escorts because you have given a tacit OK for him to cheat. That is because he suffered no consequences from running off with his GF.

He got to come back to plan B with all the pleasant memories that he accumulated with someone else.

Get yourself into individual counseling and see if you can't put a finger on why you think you deserve this.

I don't think you do.

[Mystery4u]

You already made a mistake by letting him back into your inner life.

Don't make another by keeping him there. Life is too short.

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Badlass75 said:

 I fantasize multiple times a week about being on my own. Not with a new guy, but on my own. Ok, I fantasize about flings, but not about a new husband.

Not advice, but sounds to me like this is what you really want. Whether you still want it if/when you get there is an open question (life's a lot different with kids).

But you did have a trail run. Did you enjoy the 2 year separation (sans the distress of his cheating/monkeybranching)? Perhaps you are yearning for that? Can you handle him having the kids 50% time (presumably) with all his issues? Perhaps that is a factor.

[Badlass75]

Thanks for all your replies. I don't know how to respond to individual people's questions (I'm new). So I'll try and answer it all in one message...

>>What are your reasons for staying in this marriage?

>>Is it convenience? You are comfortable and the effort to reset your life is too daunting?

>>Are you staying for the kids?

>>Is this all emotion in that good people don't get divorced or what will the family think?

.......It's a few things.

1. All my moving on money is tied up in our home equity, and our house needs a lot of work in order to sell for a good price. So I'm chipping away at the projects to fix up the house. I'm starting there. I'm also planning on saving up for the escape, in case that's what I end up doing.

2. Even with splitting the house money, we are already in a pretty small place so we'll have to move quite far to get decent places on our own. That's daunting.

3. Yeah I kind of worry about his mental state if I spring this on him now, and I worry about his ability to be a responsible parent when he has the kids.

4. Lastly, I do actually feel like we haven't done everything we can, that's why I want counseling to make sure I truly can't stick around. We actually do still get along and have a lot of fun - the family dynamic is still pretty good most of the time.

...I just have so much resentment and longing.  Ok, next questions:

>>But you did have a trail run. Did you enjoy the 2 year separation (sans the distress of his cheating/monkeybranching)? Perhaps you are yearning for that? Can you handle him having the kids 50% time (presumably) with all his issues? Perhaps that is a factor.

...The separation always felt wrong, but I forced myself to accept it and yeah I did eventually start to get my independence and enjoy it. And yeah, him having the kids 50% of the time scares me a little. He always complains that he didn't want to have more kids (he has a 21 year old from his first marriage), but he loves them so much. I am really sick and tired of hearing how much he resents the kids but loves them. It's like buddy, accept your situation and be grateful!! He's getting better, but we're years into this BS. I feel as though he is another child a lot of the time, rather than a partner. There is also the thing that he smokes weed every day all day. I am hip to the groove or whatever, but I am sick of that being the focal point of his day. He has a thriving business (or HAD pre-COVID) so it's not like I support him - not at all, but I am the one to constantly be on top of what we need...food, what bills are due, etc, it's like he just lives in his little bubble and I take care of the boring s***.

The adultery stuff hasn't happened in a long time, but it's always possible for it to come back, and you don't just get over this. This is traumatic sh**.

Edited October 28, 2020 by Badlass75

[Harry Korsnes]

Just wondering?

Why on earth do you want this apon your self? 

I think you should get your own life and start over the sooner the better on all parts. 

[mark clemson]

Again, not advice, but it sounds to me like you are working towards leaving eventually. He is "another child" in some ways and perhaps that would be OK if he hadn't cheated and it was only happy memories, but it's not. It sounds like it's more logistics and finances that are keeping you together - you wish you could be out but stuff is in the way entangling you, and you're slowly working through it. It's just my guess, but I think that once that's fully done and the kids are a bit older, there has been one last counseling attempt, etc. you will go, unless something drastic prevents it. There are those for whom cheating isn't a dealbreaker and those for whom it is, and he did actually leave you for another woman + continued with shenanigans after returning, so there's a lot there to get past even if you are really trying.

I don't have specific advice for you. Perhaps sometimes holding the mirror up IS the advice. GL...

[Harry Korsnes]

30 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Again, not advice, but it sounds to me like you are working towards leaving eventually. He is "another child" in some ways and perhaps that would be OK if he hadn't cheated and it was only happy memories, but it's not. It sounds like it's more logistics and finances that are keeping you together - you wish you could be out but stuff is in the way entangling you, and you're slowly working through it. It's just my guess, but I think that once that's fully done and the kids are a bit older, there has been one last counseling attempt, etc. you will go, unless something drastic prevents it. There are those for whom cheating isn't a dealbreaker and those for whom it is, and he did actually leave you for another woman + continued with shenanigans after returning, so there's a lot there to get past even if you are really trying.

I don't have specific advice for you. Perhaps sometimes holding the mirror up IS the advice. GL...

Agreed!

Like i Said she needs to focus on her self