Your thoughts on your partner being against cohabiting?

[boymommy]

I am interested in everyone's thoughts on this! I was talking to a friend of mine today and this topic came up, as he just broke up with his live in girlfriend of 2 years. 

If you were dating someone and they were against cohabiting how would you feel? 

Edited October 28, 2020 by boymommy

[Woggle]

I am all for it and if I were single it would be a must before we went any further. I lived with my wife for about a year before we married. You have to see how well you share a space with somebody before going all the way. If she was against that then we would not be compatible.

[basil67]

@boymommy  I'm not sure if you're talking about not combining households ever or just not living together before marriage.

In in my 50's.  I'm at the stage these days where if I found myself single and then with a new partner, I'd be happy to keep our own homes and visit each other.   If they wanted to move in, I may reconsider, but I would legally ensure that they had no claim on my property in the case of my death.   My property goes to my kids.

 

 

[boymommy]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@boymommy  I'm not sure if you're talking about not combining households ever or just not living together before marriage.

In in my 50's.  I'm at the stage these days where if I found myself single and then with a new partner, I'd be happy to keep our own homes and visit each other.   If they wanted to move in, I may reconsider, but I would legally ensure that they had no claim on my property in the case of my death.   My property goes to my kids.

 

 

Originally I was talking about not living together before marriage, but not combining households at all is actually a very interesting topic as well! Thanks so much for your perspective on that. I feel similar on the legal issues in regards to home ownership and my kids too! Protections have to be in place there for them. 

[boymommy]

23 minutes ago, Woggle said:

I am all for it and if I were single it would be a must before we went any further. I lived with my wife for about a year before we married. You have to see how well you share a space with somebody before going all the way. If she was against that then we would not be compatible.

Do you not think you can see how well you share space without actually living with someone? This was actual what I was talking to my friend about today

Edited October 28, 2020 by boymommy

[Woggle]

3 minutes ago, boymommy said:

Do you not think you can see how well you share space without actually living with someone? This was actual what I was talking to my friend about today

I guess maybe but until you share the same house and the same bathroom and deal with somebody everyday it is hard to know them. I figured if we made it a year and were still madly in love and not sick of each other than we were good enough to get married and we were. I hate to compare relationships to product but a free trial before you commit is a good idea.

[Gaeta]

My ex-husband and I did not move in before getting married. We dated for 3 years, married and then moved into a home together. It was a huge mistake. Even after 3  years dating it was like I was moving in with a stranger. If we had not been married with a baby on the way I would have left 1 year later. 

Fast forward 30 years. I met my boyfriend 5 years ago and we don't live together and I find our arrangement great. We spend a lot of time together 5 days out of 7 he's at my place. We get along great but everyone needs a little bit of space so those random 2 days out of the week he'll stay at his place and I enjoy my time alone with my teen and dog. One day we will move in together but we have no time frame. 

[d0nnivain]

My husband didn't believe in living together before marriage.  He moved in with me when his lease ended 3 months before we walked down the aisle.  

If I ever dated again I'm not sure I'd want to live with somebody just for the convenience.  

[boymommy]

13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

My husband didn't believe in living together before marriage.  He moved in with me when his lease ended 3 months before we walked down the aisle.  

If I ever dated again I'm not sure I'd want to live with somebody just for the convenience.  

Thank you! This is what my friend said too. He attributes his break up to “moving in for convenience” not to get closer or to be with someone long term. He was curious if going back into the dating world (because cohabiting is so common) that might be a turnoff to potential dating partners in the future (if he decided to wait in the future until engagement/marriage.
 

For me personally I might be okay with it because I like not living with my partner and enjoy the idea going in with the mindset its goin to be forever. But thats not everyone obviously! 

Edited October 28, 2020 by boymommy

[Fletch Lives]

It's within the bounds of a healthy relationship for even married couples to live apart and see each other once a week for a date. Relationships are built on quality time together - that does not mean you have to live together.

You'll have to decide which is right for you - living together or apart.

If you are talking about test drives - to see if you can live together before you tie the knot - I think that's kinda lame. I'd say you are dragging your feet and don't know what you want, or are afraid of commitment. I don't like sex test drives and living together test drives.

And if you do think you might have trouble living together, why not just live apart? Living apart has it's own advantages - healthy space, for one. It's a lot of work having to relate to somebody when you are under the same roof all the time, stuck together in a sardine can!

I would imagine living together would save money and be convenient. Living apart promotes healthy space. Pick your poison.

Edited October 28, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[lana-banana]

1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said:

If you are talking about test drives - to see if you can live together before you tie the knot - I think that's kinda lame. I'd say you are dragging your feet and don't know what you want, or are afraid of commitment. I don't like sex test drives and living together test drives.

I don't agree with this. Due to the gap between our leases we had a 6-month period where one of us was going to have to move, and we decided to use it as a test period. So we lived together with the plan to be engaged (and buy a house at the end of the period) if we got through it without killing each other. We already had a very solid, healthy relationship, and we knew plenty about each other's living habits and what we wanted for a relationship, but really living together teaches you about each other's dealbreakers and how to function as a household. I am very glad we did it because it alleviated some of the stress you experience when buying a house.

That being said, the older you are, the less important it is. If you're in your 40s or above and have plenty of serious relationships/marriages under your belt, you probably don't need to live together much. I would definitely recommend it for anyone who hasn't been married unless there are religious or cultural reasons not to.

[boymommy]

1 hour ago, lana-banana said:

I don't agree with this. Due to the gap between our leases we had a 6-month period where one of us was going to have to move, and we decided to use it as a test 

That being said, the older you are, the less important it is. If you're in your 40s or above and have plenty of serious relationships/marriages under your belt, you probably don't need to live together much. I would definitely recommend it for anyone who hasn't been married unless there are religious or cultural reasons not to.

I would agree with this actually! I am 37 and I lived with my ex husband for 11 years. I lived with a previous partner in college for 2 yrs. I personally dont feel test drives are necessary for myself..nor did factors of daily living lead to the end of my previous long term relationships/divorce. My ex husband walked out on me, I never would have left. My ex boyfriend who I lived with in college couldnt pay the rent and my parents werent willing to pay his share..they made him move out. We stayed together for awhile afterward but he continued being irresponsible with money and that sucked! But I would have figured that out without living with him. It was very obvious. 
 

The trend that I most often see is that people who wait to live together until marriage are often very traditional or hold strong religious beliefs. As in you dont leave no matter what. People who cohabitate are more accepting that if things get bad you potentially get out of that situation and find another partner. After being married its hard to know going in what the right combo is..living together, living apart..something in between. Maybe it just depends on the people involved. Not a one size fits all! 
 

Thanks everyone, this is really really interesting! 

[SumGuy]

I'm for the long term, retire together person at this stage in my life.  So cohabiting (eventually, not now) is integral to any long term relationship for me.  I certainly don't expect this to happen over night, more like after a couple years would expect things could move in this direction if it is going to work out.

[SumGuy]

13 hours ago, boymommy said:

Do you not think you can see how well you share space without actually living with someone? This was actual what I was talking to my friend about today

I don't think you can.  There really is no substitute for sharing the same space day in and day out, along with joint responsibilities for the space and how they are divided, along with how much space you give each other.

I really don't get all the fears that if you live together you no longer have space of your own.  Never had this issue, even when living with extroverts, even in tiny apartments.  I'm an introvert and need my "alone time" and have always had it.  I don't need the other person to vacate the premises or even leave the room,  just need respect for me being involved in something not them.  Even the extroverts I've lived with were cool with this.

[Happy Lemming]

14 hours ago, boymommy said:

If you were dating someone and they were against cohabiting how would you feel? 

Many years ago, I made a mistake while dating this wonderful beautiful red head woman.  We had been dating about 2 years and she was losing her apartment.  The owners were selling the house she was renting and the new owners wanted it as their primary residence, so they gave her ample notice to find a new place to live (She was on a month to month lease).

I had a friend at the newspaper (internet was just getting started at that time) and he would fax me an advance copy of the rentals (for that week).  I would forward them to this woman to look through, as she stated she needed my help with this situation.

Unfortunately, I misunderstood her message.  The "help" she wanted was for me to suggest she move in with me, as I was refurbishing a large home at the time and it was almost finished.  I guess I didn't pick up on her hints (I can be stupid that way)  She did find a new apartment, but dumped me (shortly) after her move.

I found out through a mutual friend that she was very hurt and sad that I didn't ask her to move in with me.  I didn't think she wanted to, as she never came out and suggested it (as an option).

The point I'm trying to make is... I do think this subject needs a serious (sit down) discussion.  If I had known this woman wanted to live with me, I may have tried living together.  We were compatible and got along quite well. 

[Happy Lemming]

My current long term girlfriend is moving in with me, next fall.  She being priced out of the rental market, here.

Her stimulus check paid for the rental increase for her 2021 lease, if that hadn't come in, she would have moved in with me last month.

The house I'm working on now, actually has a guest house or Casita.  If we have problems living in the main house together, I'll pull some money out of savings and hire a contractor to help me quickly finish the guest house and she can live in that.

We both like living alone and would have preferred not to move in together, but rental prices have sky-rocketed to the point she has no other options.

[FMW]

I agree with those that say age has a lot to do with it. 

If you're younger and planning a family together, then definitely, live together.  It's more stable and cohesive, and builds that sense of oneness.  I'm not sure that whether you choose to do that prior to marriage or other more permanent commitment makes a difference. I've always heard statistics say living together before marriage results in marriages that fail at a higher rate, but from what I've seen I don't think that's true. 

I'm 55 and divorced.  I have absolutely no interest in ever sharing a home full time with someone again.  The guy I'm involved with is 57 and widowed.  We spend nights at the others' home weekly.  But I love having my own space and so does he.  He's in the process of selling the huge house he shared with his late wife and loves the little bungalow he promptly moved into when he bought it last year.  I'm crazy about the guy, but I don't want him under foot 24/7.  I shared a huge house with my ex-husband, and just having lots of rooms doesn't provide the mental space and freedom that many of us need.  

But as Happy Lemming's situation with his girlfriend, many people are put in a position of making the practical choice because of need, regardless of preference.  Living together certainly does save money.  But the resentments can really build up if it's not what you really want.  

Financial considerations aside, the trick is to find someone who shares your preference on living arrangements.  

[boymommy]

48 minutes ago, FMW said:

I agree with those that say age has a lot to do with it. 

If you're younger and planning a family together, then definitely, live together.  It's more stable and cohesive, and builds that sense of oneness.  I'm not sure that whether you choose to do that prior to marriage or other more permanent commitment makes a difference. I've always heard statistics say living together before marriage results in marriages that fail at a higher rate, but from what I've seen I don't think that's true. 

I'm 55 and divorced.  I have absolutely no interest in ever sharing a home full time with someone again.  The guy I'm involved with is 57 and widowed.  We spend nights at the others' home weekly.  But I love having my own space and so does he.  He's in the process of selling the huge house he shared with his late wife and loves the little bungalow he promptly moved into when he bought it last year.  I'm crazy about the guy, but I don't want him under foot 24/7.  I shared a huge house with my ex-husband, and just having lots of rooms doesn't provide the mental space and freedom that many of us need.  

But as Happy Lemming's situation with his girlfriend, many people are put in a position of making the practical choice because of need, regardless of preference.  Living together certainly does save money.  But the resentments can really build up if it's not what you really want.  

Yes, I think my friend moved in with gf too soon (at 5 months) due to her relocating to his area. Rather then each pay seperate rents they decided to share the cost of one. But I am unsure this is actually what my friend wanted/needed despite it (ironically) being his idea and him asking her to move in! 
 

Thanks for your personal perspective! Being divorced I like living apart as well. My boyfriend who is 47 likes it too, although we may/may not live together/get married in the future. No hard and fast plans. I for one enjoy aspects of having a relationship but owning seperate homes. But at times I miss a closer partnership with day to day decisions/interactions. 

Edited October 28, 2020 by boymommy

[major_merrick]

I think there are various ways of cohabiting.  Some people consider living in the same building complex a kind of cohabitation.  For others, same house but different rooms.  And then, there's the "sleeping in my bed" kind of cohabiting.  Depending on the type of cohabitation, some people may consider it a requirement before marriage and others may consider it forbidden.

In my faith (a sect of Christianity) pre-marital cohabitation is taboo.  I didn't even get to see the bedroom I'd be sharing with my husband until our wedding night.  And we'd dated (and had sex) many years before, so I was a bit irritated.  Also, when he married Wife #4, she'd been living in his house as a friend for a couple of years...she kind of had her own apartment at one end of the building.  Just goes to show that people can be pretty inconsistent even when they have beliefs for/against cohabitation. 

[Trail Blazer]

6 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Many years ago, I made a mistake while dating this wonderful beautiful red head woman.  We had been dating about 2 years and she was losing her apartment.  The owners were selling the house she was renting and the new owners wanted it as their primary residence, so they gave her ample notice to find a new place to live (She was on a month to month lease).

I had a friend at the newspaper (internet was just getting started at that time) and he would fax me an advance copy of the rentals (for that week).  I would forward them to this woman to look through, as she stated she needed my help with this situation.

Unfortunately, I misunderstood her message.  The "help" she wanted was for me to suggest she move in with me, as I was refurbishing a large home at the time and it was almost finished.  I guess I didn't pick up on her hints (I can be stupid that way)  She did find a new apartment, but dumped me (shortly) after her move.

I found out through a mutual friend that she was very hurt and sad that I didn't ask her to move in with me.  I didn't think she wanted to, as she never came out and suggested it (as an option).

The point I'm trying to make is... I do think this subject needs a serious (sit down) discussion.  If I had known this woman wanted to live with me, I may have tried living together.  We were compatible and got along quite well. 

Your story is actually a little sad.  Do you wonder what may have come about if you'd read the signs better?

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

Your story is actually a little sad.  Do you wonder what may have come about if you'd read the signs better?

Yes... I wonder about "what might have been?"; I think we really could have been good together.  Her older sister was nomadic like me and she very much envied her sister, so she probably would have enjoyed moving around like I did. But we all take forks in the road of life, I think there are times when we need to "speak our mind" and just come out and say what we want.  Hinting around is not a basis for discussing cohabitation.  I do hope she found happiness as she was a wonderful beautiful woman and very special to me.

We make decisions about relationships, jobs, moving, investing, etc. and this woman made the decision NOT to come right out and discuss her wants and needs.  I can't speak for all men, but I need a woman to tell me this type of important stuff, hinting about major life decisions is not the way to go. I'm just not that smart and don't really pick up on hints, etc. 

Life may have turned out a lot differently (for both of us) if she had come out and stated exactly what she wanted.

 

[boymommy]

18 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Yes... I wonder about "what might have been?"; I think we really could have been good together.  Her older sister was nomadic like me and she very much envied her sister, so she probably would have enjoyed moving around like I did. But we all take forks in the road of life, I think there are times when we need to "speak our mind" and just come out and say what we want.  Hinting around is not a basis for discussing cohabitation.  I do hope she found happiness as she was a wonderful beautiful woman and very special to me.

We make decisions about relationships, jobs, moving, investing, etc. and this woman made the decision NOT to come right out and discuss her wants and needs.  I can't speak for all men, but I need a woman to tell me this type of important stuff, hinting about major life decisions is not the way to go. I'm just not that smart and don't really pick up on hints, etc. 

Life may have turned out a lot differently (for both of us) if she had come out and stated exactly what she wanted.

 

Thanks for this! I have been like this girl you have described in relationships due to being with a number of highly narcissistic partners who told me stating needs and wants is needy/clingy (which it's not!) I have worked on this in my current relationship a lot! It's hard to change that mindset. When someone is passive and afraid to speak up its almost always out of fear of how they will be perceived or fear of a bad reaction. I'm sorry this didn't work out for you but thank you for these words! I needed to hear them today!

[basil67]

To be fair, one can express wants and needs which are clingy/needy.  And one can express really healthy wants and needs.   The problem is more when one person's 'healthy' is another person's 'clingy'.   Unfortunately, there's no right or wrong here - it's more about compatibility.

[boymommy]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

To be fair, one can express wants and needs which are clingy/needy.  And one can express really healthy wants and needs.   The problem is more when one person's 'healthy' is another person's 'clingy'.   Unfortunately, there's no right or wrong here - it's more about compatibility.

This is true..a person compatible with a narcissistic would be someone who expresses almost no needs/wants. A very passive/go with the flow type of person who never asserts themselves or goes against their partner. This is not who I am. I am flexible and go with the flow except in situations where I feel I am  being hurt. Narcissists dislike that a lot! 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/27/2020 at 6:59 PM, boymommy said:

I am interested in everyone's thoughts on this! I was talking to a friend of mine today and this topic came up, as he just broke up with his live in girlfriend of 2 years. 

If you were dating someone and they were against cohabiting how would you feel? 

 

You're asking too vague a question.   And sadly, answers would vary based on genders in question.

 

It is mostly a non-issue when considered independent of an individual's own past experiences.  And nobody has a data set of enough "past experiences" to be significant.

 

You might as well be saying:    "how do you feel about 'red hair' ?"