*RANT* I sent a very hateful message to my ex.

[Negotaurus]

Both 22. Were together for 2 years. The entire first year, from the start, he was cheating on me in such a disgusting manner. I'm a successful young adult, I'm good looking, I have a lot going for me. He decided to exploit himself to a drug user in Mexico via Instagram who was pretty overweight and sounded unintelligent . Everything was online. And to be honest, that's kind of what hurt most, next to the horrendous lying and gaslighting. He couldn't even cheat on me properly. He cheated on ME with something like THAT. On Instagram?? He was like a beaten up dog, begging to "see more" and "see more". He thought he was a total sex God. I saw the conversations and it was just embarrassing. The last 6 months she would barely respond and he kept begging. Even SHE was sick of him. Which is just funny to me. 

So I found out. My gut was screaming at me, I just knew it. He partially confessed. What followed were months and months of lying, trickle-truthing, gaslighting and blaming me. I was left completely traumatised. Thinking back, my heart hurts when I think of how I stayed through everything. I didn't know what healthy boundaries were, as sick as this sounds, I did convince myself that it was "my fault". That this is the best I can get. That this is what I deserve. A loser who cheats on me in such a pathetic way and then acts like an entitled little cupcake. His mum patted him on the back, told him "It's puberty". And that I was a bad girlfriend. I was the bad guy in the end. 

He packed his bags and left 2 weeks ago. I was so broken. I cried. I couldn't sleep or eat. And suddenly, about a week ago, it all just hit me overnight. Good things started happening the second he left. I think I basically moved on overnight. I'm so excited about myself and my life. I'm so happy, so relieved and so free. I think the last year I was actively moving on with him by my side, I just didn't realise it. Now that he's gone and out of my life, it hit me - I've let go. 

We haven't chatted since he left, we hadn't blocked each other either. I am not proud to admit it but I just let it all out over a text a couple minutes ago, then blocked him and deleted everything. I didn't do it because I wanted him to feel bad - it must be exhausting enough already to live in the denial he does. I just wanted to say it, I wanted it out of me, and then I wanted to block him and completely close this chapter. I told him that I pity him. That looking back it was horrible how I stayed through all the tears and pain for a selfish brat. That the next time someone kicks him out, he should take his useless things and throw them out instead of leaving them to me, hoping it will "hurt me" (he's very manipulative, he did this with his ex as well. He left behind some teddy bears and gifts I gave him, I'm sure he believed it would come off as some kind of a "deep message" but he just looks foolish and desperate). I basically just sarcastically told him off and told him I'm excited to meet a man who's something he'd never have the guts to be. 

I sent it. Blocked him. And now I feel confused. I'm not a spiteful person. I'm not bitter. I didn't actually feel bitter when I sent the message. I found it kind of funny even. I don't know why. 

I'm not proud of it at all, but I don't feel guilty in front of myself either. Which is very weird to me. I never tell anyone off. Usually I get my things, whip my hair and walk out. I don't say mean things. Why the hell don't I feel bad. This was a mean thing to do. But I don't feel bad.

Edited October 29, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[basil67]

It's early days yet and you're still in a bit of shock.  You haven't really gotten to the stage of letting it go because you're still angry enough to say nasty things about the Instagram woman and emotional enough to send angry texts to him.   You probably don't feel bad about the text because it was cathartic and helping you to further release your anger. 

I expect you'll be up and down for a bit of time yet...and this is all perfectly normal.  When you've really let it go, you will find peace.    Hang in there.

Edited October 29, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Negotaurus]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's early days yet and you're still in a bit of shock.  You haven't really gotten to the stage of letting it go because you're still angry enough to say extraordinarily nasty things about the Instagram woman and emotional enough to send angry texts to him.   You probably don't feel bad about the text because it was cathartic and helping you to further release your anger. 

I expect you'll be up and down for a bit of time yet...and this is all perfectly normal.  When you've really let it go, you will find peace.    Hang in there.

I'm sure all will be fine, I really hope I will be patient with myself. 

But I am fairly confident I will always be quite nasty towards that "woman". What happened there with her is honestly just really really low and embarrassing.  Supposedly she has multiple boyfriends, cheats, lies etc etc. I never thought something like that would enter my life. Always thought I was above it. I suppose that's why my self-esteem also took a pounding. No respect from me. 

Edited October 29, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Negotaurus said:

Both 22. Were together for 2 years. The entire first year, from the start, he was cheating on me in such a disgusting manner. I'm a successful young adult, I'm good looking, I have a lot going for me. He decided to exploit himself to a drug user in Mexico via Instagram who was pretty overweight and sounded unintelligent . Everything was online. And to be honest, that's kind of what hurt most, next to the horrendous lying and gaslighting. He couldn't even cheat on me properly. He cheated on ME with something like THAT. On Instagram?? He was like a beaten up dog, begging to "see more" and "see more". He thought he was a total sex God. I saw the conversations and it was just embarrassing. The last 6 months she would barely respond and he kept begging. Even SHE was sick of him. Which is just funny to me. 

So I found out. My gut was screaming at me, I just knew it. He partially confessed. What followed were months and months of lying, trickle-truthing, gaslighting and blaming me. I was left completely traumatised. .
He packed his bags and left 2 weeks ago. 

Excellent he left. Did you live together? Excellent you finally deleted and blocked him.

However your anger is going to eat you up . Get to a doctor for an evaluation of the moods sleeping and eating difficulty,etc. Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

He may be the biggest Bozo on the planet, but sending him "rants", could backfire since anything you put in writing can go viral on the internet in a nanosecond.

Not only that, he can take it to the police and get a restraining order against you.

Take care of yourself. Get a handle on your emotions.

[TeddyBundy1993]

Basil 67 is right you are not over him and coming days might be a little difficult to cope up with. You were in a toxic relationship. And with your hate towards him it pretty clear you terribly hurt inside, I feel sorry for you.  But someday or sometime it had to be over. Well just focus on yourself now, and take a day at a time. You will recover soon if you stay healthy and deal with stress positively. Keep him blocked, no need to be friends. There will be roller coaster of feeling a few bad dreams for while. Keep yourself occupied and near your loved ones.best of luck

[Negotaurus]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent he left. Did you live together? Excellent you finally deleted and blocked him.

However your anger is going to eat you up . Get to a doctor for an evaluation of the moods sleeping and eating difficulty,etc. Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

He may be the biggest Bozo on the planet, but sending him "rants", could backfire since anything you put in writing can go viral on the internet in a nanosecond.

Not only that, he can take it to the police and get a restraining order against you.

Take care of yourself. Get a handle on your emotions.

I went to my first therapy appointment one week ago, we talked a lot and agreed to go more in depth about boundaries (fitting). My next appointment is in a few days and I will definitely tell her about this incident. She has a way of verbalising feelings I don’t even fully understand, so I’m curious to see how it’ll go. 
 

Yes we lived together. And my gosh I hated it! He was so lazy and dirty, my apartment was full of clutter. I rearranged everything, cleaned up, it is so nice now!!

1 hour ago, TeddyBundy1993 said:

Basil 67 is right you are not over him and coming days might be a little difficult to cope up with. You were in a toxic relationship. And with your hate towards him it pretty clear you terribly hurt inside, I feel sorry for you.  But someday or sometime it had to be over. Well just focus on yourself now, and take a day at a time. You will recover soon if you stay healthy and deal with stress positively. Keep him blocked, no need to be friends. There will be roller coaster of feeling a few bad dreams for while. Keep yourself occupied and near your loved ones.best of luck

I think I am over HIM. However, I don’t think I am over what happened to me. And I think that’s okay. Something is off in a way, I don’t eat or sleep, have really strange dreams, but am very energised and never hungry or tired. I’m wondering what it could be. 
 

Sending the message, although I got to let it out, left me with a new negative emotion - shame, in front of myself. I don’t necessarily feel bad, just shame. I don’t like being hateful. 

[TeddyBundy1993]

45 minutes ago, Negotaurus said:

I went to my first therapy appointment one week ago, we talked a lot and agreed to go more in depth about boundaries (fitting). My next appointment is in a few days and I will definitely tell her about this incident. She has a way of verbalising feelings I don’t even fully understand, so I’m curious to see how it’ll go. 
 

Yes we lived together. And my gosh I hated it! He was so lazy and dirty, my apartment was full of clutter. I rearranged everything, cleaned up, it is so nice now!!

I think I am over HIM. However, I don’t think I am over what happened to me. And I think that’s okay. Something is off in a way, I don’t eat or sleep, have really strange dreams, but am very energised and never hungry or tired. I’m wondering what it could be. 
 

Sending the message, although I got to let it out, left me with a new negative emotion - shame, in front of myself. I don’t necessarily feel bad, just shame. I don’t like being hateful. 

It's good that you have been seeking therapist, it's always a good approach towards your wellbeing. Ofcourse such things have a effect on appetite as I said its difficult for the first few months. Anyways sending message was somehow both bad and good for you I recall I did that too and still was broken for next for months and loss was too much for me to handle. Although you did nothing wrong, it's always good to spit out and not keep inside. Dont feel bad about it, most of us do the same after all you are a human too, lastly take care of your health have good sleep, and eat sufficient food. Take care of yourself, you are 22 life isnt over! It's just a experience of life next time dont make such mistake by letting someone stomp over you again and again. 

[kendahke]

The opposite of love is indifference.

You're still angry, which keeps you emotionally tied into him.

When you don't give a toss anymore and stop wasting energy on him and her, that's when you'll truly be done.

You're not there yet.

[Redhead14]

12 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

The entire first year, from the start, he was cheating on me in such a disgusting manner. I'm a successful young adult, I'm good looking, I have a lot going for me. He decided to exploit himself to a drug user in Mexico via Instagram who was pretty overweight and sounded unintelligent . Everything was online.

Whatever you said to him was well deserved by him and you don't feel bad because you shouldn't feel bad.  It was a long-time coming, albeit late.  Now leave all this right where it is now -- in the past.  Move forward, don't look back and focus on you and just you for a long, long time.  You need to establish yourself as a strong, INDEPENDENT, woman who knows who she is and what she wants and what is and is not acceptable for you in your life going forward.  That takes time and maturity to do.  Forget about having a relationship.  Work on the relationship you have with yourself, the rest will happen naturally.

Edited October 29, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Something is off in a way, I don’t eat or sleep, have really strange dreams, but am very energised and never hungry or tired. I’m wondering what it could be. 

It's adrenaline.  It's a stress hormone.

And for the record, not all stress is bad stress. You're likely feeling a combination of both anger at him and excitement of a new future - and all of this will give you an adrenaline hit.   Hang in there.

[MsJayne]

He sounds very narcissistic, and there's nothing wrong wrong with telling a narcissist they're a creep because they all are. It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it and most people are too gutless.  Your  lack of appetite and sleeplessness are anxiety symptoms, possibly part of PTSD, and vivid dreams sometimes manifest after a traumatic experience is over, like your brain's been holding it's breath and suddenly it can breathe again. When you've been involved with someone like this and the relationship ends you're left with the horrible feeling that something's been stolen from you, but it's OK, it will pass after a while as long as you refuse any contact with him. Let him find someone else whose happiness he can steal and whose soul he can murder. Don't worry about the message you sent, it's nothing compared to what he did to you.  

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

  Something is off in a way, I don’t eat or sleep, have really strange dreams, but am very energised and never hungry or tired. I’m wondering what it could be. 

You need to get to a doctor for an evaluation and referral to a therapist. Some of what you describe could be metabolic, hormonal or mood disorders.

A bad relationship doesn't cause all that. As far as this situation, it's great you finally broke up. You also need to block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

Keep in mind if you have any underlying medical problems, it could contribute to bad judgement and therefore bad relationships.

So it's probably the other way around. How you feel is not due to this relationship but staying in a bad situation may be a result of untreated psychological and physical health problems.

[Negotaurus]

On 10/29/2020 at 5:03 PM, TeddyBundy1993 said:

It's good that you have been seeking therapist, it's always a good approach towards your wellbeing. Ofcourse such things have a effect on appetite as I said its difficult for the first few months. Anyways sending message was somehow both bad and good for you I recall I did that too and still was broken for next for months and loss was too much for me to handle. Although you did nothing wrong, it's always good to spit out and not keep inside. Dont feel bad about it, most of us do the same after all you are a human too, lastly take care of your health have good sleep, and eat sufficient food. Take care of yourself, you are 22 life isnt over! It's just a experience of life next time dont make such mistake by letting someone stomp over you again and again. 

I've had some days to reflect upon this and even though I still feel shame, I am glad I sent it. I fully get to feel that the chapter is completely closed now, and that feeling alone gives me peace! He is free to live life the way he sees fit, I am just really excited about loving myself again. 

On 10/30/2020 at 6:05 AM, MsJayne said:

He sounds very narcissistic, and there's nothing wrong wrong with telling a narcissist they're a creep because they all are. It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it and most people are too gutless.  Your  lack of appetite and sleeplessness are anxiety symptoms, possibly part of PTSD, and vivid dreams sometimes manifest after a traumatic experience is over, like your brain's been holding it's breath and suddenly it can breathe again. When you've been involved with someone like this and the relationship ends you're left with the horrible feeling that something's been stolen from you, but it's OK, it will pass after a while as long as you refuse any contact with him. Let him find someone else whose happiness he can steal and whose soul he can murder. Don't worry about the message you sent, it's nothing compared to what he did to you.  

You explained it really really well! It IS like a breath of fresh air, and oh my is it sweet. I've been journaling my thoughts at the request of my therapist and, I must admit, I am glad I went through this. I feel like I am a lot smarter now. And yes, even though I feel like something was "taken" I wholeheartedly KNOW that I will build myself up again to be ever better. 

On 10/30/2020 at 12:52 PM, Wiseman2 said:

You need to get to a doctor for an evaluation and referral to a therapist. Some of what you describe could be metabolic, hormonal or mood disorders.

A bad relationship doesn't cause all that. As far as this situation, it's great you finally broke up. You also need to block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

Keep in mind if you have any underlying medical problems, it could contribute to bad judgement and therefore bad relationships.

So it's probably the other way around. How you feel is not due to this relationship but staying in a bad situation may be a result of untreated psychological and physical health problems.

I believe @basil67 is right about it being adrenaline. It started a couple days before the break up, although it felt really uncomfortable - my heart was racing and hands were shaking. The day after the break up, something "broke free" and it's been feeling like freedom ever since. 

He is blocked EVERYHWERE, hell, I even blocked his e-mail. The thought of contacting him makes my stomach turn, I just really don't want to. It has finally dawned upon me what I'd been doing for the last 10 months - I squeezed myself into a tiny shell, hid away and hoped that everything would be "okay". I want far away from those memories.. 

[Negotaurus]

I've been thinking.. A part of me wants to start dating. Now. It feels like it's been ages since the last time I had this kind of confidence in me. I've been getting a lot of attention from all kinds of people, I'm really flattered. I like it! I just don't know if it would be a wise thing to do. Although I feel fine, I think subconsciously I am still "struggling" a bit. The dreams I have are bizarre. Tonight I dreamt of missing him, and we all know how realistic those dreams can feel. So when I woke up, I was just really confused. Because I really don't think I miss him. 

I do miss feeling desired, I miss mingling and getting to know new people. How on Earth do I even know when I'm ready? 

Edited November 2, 2020 by Negotaurus

[Ellener]

7 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

I've been thinking.. A part of me wants to start dating. Now. It feels like it's been ages since the last time I had this kind of confidence in me. I've been getting a lot of attention from all kinds of people, I'm really flattered. I like it! I just don't know if it would be a wise thing to do. Although I feel fine, I think subconsciously I am still "struggling" a bit. The dreams I have are bizarre. Tonight I dreamt of missing him, and we all know how realistic those dreams can feel. So when I woke up, I was just really confused. Because I really don't think I miss him. 

I do miss feeling desired, I miss mingling and getting to know new people. How on Earth do I even know when I'm ready? 

Ready for what?

You should not equate sending obnoxious messages with love, and you should not take your hatred into any new relationhip you hope to succeed.

Only you can draw a line under this unfortunate experience.

 

[Negotaurus]

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

Ready for what?

You should not equate sending obnoxious messages with love, and you should not take your hatred into any new relationhip you hope to succeed.

Only you can draw a line under this unfortunate experience.

 

Where do I equate “obnoxious messages” with love? And where did I make it sound like I wish to carry my hatred onto other people? 
 

A very toxic relationship of mine ended 3 weeks ago. I think it’s normal to feel confused about dating and moving on. 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Negotaurus said:

Where do I equate “obnoxious messages” with love? And where did I make it sound like I wish to carry my hatred onto other people? 
 

A very toxic relationship of mine ended 3 weeks ago. I think it’s normal to feel confused about dating and moving on. 

Move on yes, send horrible messages, or listen to horrible advice, no. 

 

On 10/29/2020 at 4:54 AM, Negotaurus said:

I sent it. Blocked him. And now I feel confused. I'm not a spiteful person. I'm not bitter. I didn't actually feel bitter when I sent the message. I found it kind of funny even. I don't know why. 

You will need to find a way to let go of your anger and pain. 

[Negotaurus]

11 hours ago, Ellener said:

Move on yes, send horrible messages, or listen to horrible advice, no. 

 

You will need to find a way to let go of your anger and pain. 

And where is this horrible advice? You say a lot of things that make no sense to me. I'm still confused where I equate any of my messages with "love" - quite frankly, I haven't even mentioned love and stopped being in love with him the second I found out what he had been doing. Nor do I understand where I wish to pass on my anger. A lot of claims that are uncalled for.

I am attending therapy as mentioned and reached out to the forum to vent. I am working on letting go and I think I'm doing ok. 

[basil67]

On 11/2/2020 at 7:13 PM, Negotaurus said:

I've been thinking.. A part of me wants to start dating.   How on Earth do I even know when I'm ready? 

When your anger has faded, you will be ready.  Allow yourself time to heal before going back to dating.     

 

[pinkpaw]

On 11/3/2020 at 6:41 AM, Negotaurus said:

And where is this horrible advice? You say a lot of things that make no sense to me. I'm still confused where I equate any of my messages with "love" - quite frankly, I haven't even mentioned love and stopped being in love with him the second I found out what he had been doing. Nor do I understand where I wish to pass on my anger. A lot of claims that are uncalled for.

I am attending therapy as mentioned and reached out to the forum to vent. I am working on letting go and I think I'm doing ok. 

Ignore ellener's rubbish advice, it will set you back. People like that dont know what it's like. It's not really till you've lived it that you REALLY know. What you need more than anything right now is lots and lots of validation to undo the toxic sewage the guy put into your system. 

Believe me, I've worked on psychiatric wards where I've seen women literally driven into psychosis/suicidal ideation due to years of gas lighting and abuse. Its horrific and no joke. You're doing brilliant, keep going.

Edited November 10, 2020 by pinkpaw

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/29/2020 at 2:54 AM, Negotaurus said:

We haven't chatted since he left, we hadn't blocked each other either. I am not proud to admit it but I just let it all out over a text a couple minutes ago, then blocked him and deleted everything.

That is simply a gutless move best saved for exclusive internet life.

Lots of people online just have to think they've had the last word.

 

I don't sense that your effort toward him was at all constructive, and it basically just indicated to him how hurt you were, which is the last thing you want to satisfy him with.  (it's like giving the other person the upper hand and THEN blocking him)

 

If you want to be recognized and treated by others as a real person  then you have to treat others as real people.

 

Some lesser-than passing through your life (at your invitation) isn't really a fair excuse for you to take steps toward becoming a lesser-than.

[stillafool]

On 10/29/2020 at 6:54 AM, Negotaurus said:

I will always be quite nasty towards that "woman". What happened there with her is honestly just really really low and embarrassing.  Supposedly she has multiple boyfriends, cheats, lies etc etc.

Why are you being nasty to her?  It isn't her fault that your ex wanted her.  You even said yourself he was chasing her and she was sick of him.

[Miss Spider]

good for you. He sounds like a thirsty , desperate loser. Let’s face it, sometimes people need to get told and sometimes it feels good to tell them how you feel  😌I recently told my ex off via text. He didn’t cheat on me, but he did try to ruin my reputation and stole my stuff. I am really sorry that you had to go through that. You definitely can do better and keep the  fool blocked

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Negotaurus]

12 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

That is simply a gutless move best saved for exclusive internet life.

Lots of people online just have to think they've had the last word.

 

I don't sense that your effort toward him was at all constructive, and it basically just indicated to him how hurt you were, which is the last thing you want to satisfy him with.  (it's like giving the other person the upper hand and THEN blocking him)

 

If you want to be recognized and treated by others as a real person  then you have to treat others as real people.

 

Some lesser-than passing through your life (at your invitation) isn't really a fair excuse for you to take steps toward becoming a lesser-than.

Whatever it was, it made me feel better and helped me close the chapter. I didn’t owe him anything anymore at that point and didn’t feel the need to force myself to respect him, my dignity was long stripped from me anyway. He stabbed me in the back hundreds of times. I sent a text. It wasn’t about him or how he would see me, I don’t care about that. I wanted to get it out. 

12 hours ago, stillafool said:

Why are you being nasty to her?  It isn't her fault that your ex wanted her.  You even said yourself he was chasing her and she was sick of him.

No of course that wasn’t her fault. My ex was like a desperate dog. I am nasty towards her because I absolutely NEVER thought a person like that would enter my life. A drugged up skank who gets off on cheating. I do not respect people like that. And no, I just don’t have it in me to be decent about it. 

8 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

good for you. He sounds like a thirsty , desperate loser. Let’s face it, sometimes people need to get told and sometimes it feels good to tell them how you feel  😌I recently told my ex off via text. He didn’t cheat on me, but he did try to ruin my reputation and stole my stuff. I am really sorry that you had to go through that. You definitely can do better and keep the  fool blocked

I read your thread about your “psycho ex”, and my gosh, that man desperately needs a new hobby. Really sorry you have had to deal with this. You’re absolutely right, sometimes it just feels good to let it out. I don’t feel bad for not taking the “high ground”, hell, I was betrayed in such sick ways, half of it I haven’t even mentioned here. If I want to get it out then I get it out. Like @pinkpawsaid, it can drive you insane. Letting it all out just felt GOOD and I think I deserved it! Same for him. 

[pinkpaw]

1 hour ago, Negotaurus said:

Whatever it was, it made me feel better and helped me close the chapter. I didn’t owe him anything anymore at that point and didn’t feel the need to force myself to respect him, my dignity was long stripped from me anyway. He stabbed me in the back hundreds of times. I sent a text. It wasn’t about him or how he would see me, I don’t care about that. I wanted to get it out. 

No of course that wasn’t her fault. My ex was like a desperate dog. I am nasty towards her because I absolutely NEVER thought a person like that would enter my life. A drugged up skank who gets off on cheating. I do not respect people like that. And no, I just don’t have it in me to be decent about it. 

I read your thread about your “psycho ex”, and my gosh, that man desperately needs a new hobby. Really sorry you have had to deal with this. You’re absolutely right, sometimes it just feels good to let it out. I don’t feel bad for not taking the “high ground”, hell, I was betrayed in such sick ways, half of it I haven’t even mentioned here. If I want to get it out then I get it out. Like @pinkpawsaid, it can drive you insane. Letting it all out just felt GOOD and I think I deserved it! Same for him. 

Noone owes any abuser 'the high ground'. This is a form of gaslightkng- pretend not to have any reactions or emotions to abuse. For who? You get no reward from anyone for bottling up and stifling your reactions to bad behaviour. Bad behaviour warrants bad reaction.

Good behaviour warrants good reaction.

Simple.

And what someone said above about giving them the upper hand by showing you are upset - normal people dont dictate their moves according to game playing. Personality disordered people do, however. Healthy people allow themselves to have the appropriate reaction/emotion to a given scenario. 

It would be different if the OP has questioned whether her reaction would have a desired effect on the abuser- she didnt ask that. 

Geez, why are victims of bad behaviour hardly ever just validated? It's no wonder crazy making people are rampant these days, when lots of advice given to victims are essentially to give a pass to the rotten eggs.