What to do about my nephew and his nasty habits!

[thenotebooks]

My nephew is 13 going on 14. He has lived with my husband and I for almost a year due to his dad (my brother)  being an alcoholic, druggie and overall a s***ty ass parent. His mom lives in another state and hasn’t seen him in 6 years. This is my second go around with taking care of him for a year because of his parents. 
 

He was recently diagnosed with being high functioning on the autism spectrum. He’s reallly smart and can communicate really well! Though there are some things about him that are just “off”, and you can tell something is wrong. 

This entire year has been tough... for everyone, I know. But I am 39 weeks pregnant and I no longer feel as if I can take care of him! For one - his attitude started getting worse as the year dragged on. He hates doing chores, he doesn’t remember anything I tell him to do. I have to give him constant round-the-clock reminders to do ANYTHING. Take out the trash, feed the fish, clean his sleeping area. It’s been a battle with food in our place (it’s just my hubby, me and nephew living here). My nephew has constantly eaten all of my pregnancy snacks. He came to me grossly overweight, 200+ pounds and 5’0 or shorter. Granted, he had a growth spurt over the year he’s now 5’3 and 190 pounds - but that means nothing. He’s constantly watching what I eat, wanting everything I eat, he hates sharing food. And he’s very greedy, selfish and lacks interest in anything - he does not care that I am pregnant, he’s not excited. He made a recent comment saying “I just remembered babies cry through the night, this is going to be irritating” - which set the tone for his attitude towards his baby cousin. 
 

to top it off, not only does he have a serious horrible attitude (he’s constantly yelling and cussing playing video games, arguing with people online and addicted to YouTube rant videos even though I limit his time online) I’ve been catching him looking at inappropriate images! Yesterday I found a video of him on his phone masturbating on my bathroom floor! I had already knew he was doing stuff like this since he always left his bodily fluids all over my toilet seat, taking multiple showers a day and having extremely long bathroom trips... But this video disturbed me. 
 

I found pornographic images on his phone as well. Which I am not surprised since boys his age tend to be curious. The video is what disturbed me. I didn’t watch the entire thing, I saw a couple of seconds of it and automatically wanted to throw up!! I confronted him about it and he was shaking, scared, face turned red. We already had talks about this kind of behavior but it’s only gotten worse. Nothing I say helps.. 

I have no custody of him. I am wanting to send him back to his dad (who lives with my mom) but then I feel like I’m giving up on him. But my baby girl will be here soon, I’m already in early labor as I speak! 
 

My nephew doesn’t help much around the house. He loves to sit on the couch all day, eat and gets absolutely no exercise even though he has a bike here, a pool, dogs.. so many different things to do. But I feel like his time with us is up. My husband is mentally checked out as well. There’s so much more to this but I don’t wanna drag it on. 
 

My question is - do I send him back to his abusive druggie dad or do I continue to stick it out with him with a newborn baby girl ? I have already gotten him into counseling and he has weekly therapy sessions... but this kid literally doesn’t listen to ANYTHING I say and doesn’t abide by the rules around here. I was on bed rest my entire pregnancy and he flat out refused to help me do anything, really. So many times my hubby was at work and I needed help getting food - he would serve himself my food and eat it, never bringing it to me or just eating it without even asking. Frankly I’m so tired of it. He’s supposed to go stay with my sister for 4 weeks after I give birth and even she barely wants to care for him, she doesn’t have the patience like I do. 
 

I just can’t do this anymore :’( But I hate the thought of giving up on him. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm assuming your expected baby girl is your first?  Jumping right into parenting a teenage boy on the spectrum would be crazy hard for anyone, but someone with no parenting experience?  God bless you.  

This boy need structure and a schedule he must stick to, pronto.  And no backing down by you.  Make him earn priveleges like playing video games, etc.   It won't be easy for you because you can't let up, and parenting is not easy.....there are no breaks.  

His feelings about your baby are probably "normal" for his diagnosis of high functioning autism.  He isn't wrong!   I would suggest you let go of ALL expectations that he will want to bond, love on, and be a big brother to this baby.  Your only concern at this point should be to make sure the baby will be physically safe if he's in the home.  

Who owns his phone?  

Is he getting any social services for his issues?  Does he have a caseworker?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Is it possible that he stay with other relatives? What about grandparents, other aunts uncles, the mother's side of the family? Did both your bother and her lose custody? Does the mother and your brother pay child support? Did you adopt or have legal or temporary custody? 

He needs a pediatric neurologist to evaluate some of this. There are many genetic syndromes (eg Prader–Willi syndrome) that manifest this way. There are also fetal syndromes, such as fetal alcohol syndromes.

In these cases discipline problems, frustration, etc, ensue because things need to  be managed appropriately. If he does have some type of fetal, genetic or neurological syndrome, treating him  with the usual measures  for his age these behaviors is futile.

Contact (sue) the parents for financial support to get help for the child and find alternative custody arrangements for him. 

Edited October 30, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Ellener]

4 hours ago, thenotebooks said:

he hates sharing food.

So do you from what you wrote.

Maybe only keep healthy food in for now, for the benefit of your pregnancy and for your nephew?

Find support resources in your area and contact social services asap for if you need emergency housing for your nephew.

It's very difficult caring for someone 24/7 including your new baby daughter. They don't care about your needs or feelings! It's all on you and your husband.

What does he think?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

4 hours ago, thenotebooks said:

My nephew is 13 going on 14. He has lived with my husband and I for almost a year due to his dad (my brother)  being an alcoholic, druggie and overall a s***ty ass parent. His mom lives in another state and hasn’t seen him in 6 years. This is my second go around with taking care of him for a year because of his parents. 
 

He was recently diagnosed with being high functioning on the autism spectrum. He’s reallly smart and can communicate really well! Though there are some things about him that are just “off”, and you can tell something is wrong. 

This entire year has been tough... for everyone, I know. But I am 39 weeks pregnant and I no longer feel as if I can take care of him! For one - his attitude started getting worse as the year dragged on. He hates doing chores, he doesn’t remember anything I tell him to do. I have to give him constant round-the-clock reminders to do ANYTHING. Take out the trash, feed the fish, clean his sleeping area. It’s been a battle with food in our place (it’s just my hubby, me and nephew living here). My nephew has constantly eaten all of my pregnancy snacks. He came to me grossly overweight, 200+ pounds and 5’0 or shorter. Granted, he had a growth spurt over the year he’s now 5’3 and 190 pounds - but that means nothing. He’s constantly watching what I eat, wanting everything I eat, he hates sharing food. And he’s very greedy, selfish and lacks interest in anything - he does not care that I am pregnant, he’s not excited. He made a recent comment saying “I just remembered babies cry through the night, this is going to be irritating” - which set the tone for his attitude towards his baby cousin. 
 

to top it off, not only does he have a serious horrible attitude (he’s constantly yelling and cussing playing video games, arguing with people online and addicted to YouTube rant videos even though I limit his time online) I’ve been catching him looking at inappropriate images! Yesterday I found a video of him on his phone masturbating on my bathroom floor! I had already knew he was doing stuff like this since he always left his bodily fluids all over my toilet seat, taking multiple showers a day and having extremely long bathroom trips... But this video disturbed me. 
 

I found pornographic images on his phone as well. Which I am not surprised since boys his age tend to be curious. The video is what disturbed me. I didn’t watch the entire thing, I saw a couple of seconds of it and automatically wanted to throw up!! I confronted him about it and he was shaking, scared, face turned red. We already had talks about this kind of behavior but it’s only gotten worse. Nothing I say helps.. 

I have no custody of him. I am wanting to send him back to his dad (who lives with my mom) but then I feel like I’m giving up on him. But my baby girl will be here soon, I’m already in early labor as I speak! 
 

My nephew doesn’t help much around the house. He loves to sit on the couch all day, eat and gets absolutely no exercise even though he has a bike here, a pool, dogs.. so many different things to do. But I feel like his time with us is up. My husband is mentally checked out as well. There’s so much more to this but I don’t wanna drag it on. 
 

My question is - do I send him back to his abusive druggie dad or do I continue to stick it out with him with a newborn baby girl ? I have already gotten him into counseling and he has weekly therapy sessions... but this kid literally doesn’t listen to ANYTHING I say and doesn’t abide by the rules around here. I was on bed rest my entire pregnancy and he flat out refused to help me do anything, really. So many times my hubby was at work and I needed help getting food - he would serve himself my food and eat it, never bringing it to me or just eating it without even asking. Frankly I’m so tired of it. He’s supposed to go stay with my sister for 4 weeks after I give birth and even she barely wants to care for him, she doesn’t have the patience like I do. 
 

I just can’t do this anymore :’( But I hate the thought of giving up on him. 

 

My god, SEND HIM BACK!    (don't even hesitate)

 

 

You have zero business as a parent (to-be) exposing your child  to any of this.

 

The stupid kid is making illegal pornography, for god's sake.  (and just why do you imagine it will stop at this point???)

 

MAKE your priority what your priority is supposed to be.   And do it now, before the ill effects evolve to perpetuate the cycle of abuse.

 

Imagine your own 14yo kid in 2034 being made to recover from the effects of your brother's wrecked child having abused and videotaped him/her years before, and your having been largely responsible for it.

 

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

36 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

The stupid kid is making illegal pornography, for god's sake.  (and just why do you imagine it will stop at this point???)

I somehow missed this/misread it.  I thought she walked in on him watching a video and jerking off.  

Kids are uniformed....he probably doesn't know this is actually illegal since he's a child. And grown men do this all the time lol.  I just watched one my friend texted me (online dating story, not appropriate for this thread lol).  

[thenotebooks]

1 hour ago, Ellener said:

So do you from what you wrote.

Maybe only keep healthy food in for now, for the benefit of your pregnancy and for your nephew?

Find support resources in your area and contact social services asap for if you need emergency housing for your nephew.

It's very difficult caring for someone 24/7 including your new baby daughter. They don't care about your needs or feelings! It's all on you and your husband.

What does he think?

I don’t hate sharing food. The issue here is that he over indulges in every single thing he likes. This is why he was over 200 pounds at 5’0 and still struggling with his weight. My husband is mentally checked out. We’ve put restrictions, a schedule, everything we could manage all year and it backfires because my nephew doesn’t listen to anything we say, period! Since I’ve been on bed rest, he’s gained weight. He sneaks into the kitchen and eats whatever he cans and then lies about it. We’ve had to resort to hiding things. We have tons of healthy snacks and food but the issue is that he over eats, doesn’t get any exercise and overall just doesn’t think of others when it comes to food. 

[Ellener]

Just now, thenotebooks said:

I don’t hate sharing food. The issue here is that he over indulges in every single thing he likes. This is why he was over 200 pounds at 5’0 and still struggling with his weight. My husband is mentally checked out. We’ve put restrictions, a schedule, everything we could manage all year and it backfires because my nephew doesn’t listen to anything we say, period! Since I’ve been on bed rest, he’s gained weight. He sneaks into the kitchen and eats whatever he cans and then lies about it. We’ve had to resort to hiding things. We have tons of healthy snacks and food but the issue is that he over eats, doesn’t get any exercise and overall just doesn’t think of others when it comes to food. 

Why are you even housing a special needs child you clearly don't understand?

Contact social services and ask them to find an appropriate placement.

[thenotebooks]

5 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

I'm assuming your expected baby girl is your first?  Jumping right into parenting a teenage boy on the spectrum would be crazy hard for anyone, but someone with no parenting experience?  God bless you.  

This boy need structure and a schedule he must stick to, pronto.  And no backing down by you.  Make him earn priveleges like playing video games, etc.   It won't be easy for you because you can't let up, and parenting is not easy.....there are no breaks.  

His feelings about your baby are probably "normal" for his diagnosis of high functioning autism.  He isn't wrong!   I would suggest you let go of ALL expectations that he will want to bond, love on, and be a big brother to this baby.  Your only concern at this point should be to make sure the baby will be physically safe if he's in the home.  

Who owns his phone?  

Is he getting any social services for his issues?  Does he have a caseworker?

This is my 4th pregnancy, I’ve had 3 losses. But I’ve taken care of my nephew off and on for years as well as my niece. He has a schedule... but I have to constantly remind him of it “walk the dogs, feed the fish, wash your dishes” it’s an hourly thing. All day, everyday. The schedule doesn’t even work! It’s written on a board so he can see everyday. Being on bed rest, it’s hard to get up and see what he’s doing. I have to text him or call him to my room all the time and nothing is ever done. I have to take away his phone after a few hours because he’ll start screaming over things on it. 
 

I own his phone so I do take it away when necessary. He’s not getting $ from the state 

[thenotebooks]

16 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Why are you even housing a special needs child you clearly don't understand?

Contact social services and ask them to find an appropriate placement.

He wasn’t diagnosed until 2 months ago. Like I said, theres so much more to this then I can type because I’m currently in a hospital bed about to give birth!!!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

13 minutes ago, thenotebooks said:

I don’t hate sharing food. The issue here is that he over indulges in every single thing he likes. This is why he was over 200 pounds at 5’0 and still struggling with his weight. My husband is mentally checked out. We’ve put restrictions, a schedule, everything we could manage all year and it backfires because my nephew doesn’t listen to anything we say, period! Since I’ve been on bed rest, he’s gained weight. He sneaks into the kitchen and eats whatever he cans and then lies about it. We’ve had to resort to hiding things. We have tons of healthy snacks and food but the issue is that he over eats, doesn’t get any exercise and overall just doesn’t think of others when it comes to food. 

You are not equipped to care for this child in any way that's going to propel him to functional adulthood.  You are clearly capable of providing the minimal level of care to keep him alive, healthy, and educated, but you've never been a parent (to a baby outside your body--so sorry for your losses), and I haven't seen where you are educated in special needs care.  This is not a criticism of you personally.  It just is what it is.  The kid sounds like quite a challenge because of his special needs and requires a LOT of expertise and patience.  

I remember how difficult it was to have two dogs after becoming a first time mom.  I can't imagine having to parent a 14 year old special needs child.  

You need help. ❤️ 

[thenotebooks]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Is it possible that he stay with other relatives? What about grandparents, other aunts uncles, the mother's side of the family? Did both your bother and her lose custody? Does the mother and your brother pay child support? Did you adopt or have legal or temporary custody? 

He needs a pediatric neurologist to evaluate some of this. There are many genetic syndromes (eg Prader–Willi syndrome) that manifest this way. There are also fetal syndromes, such as fetal alcohol syndromes.

In these cases discipline problems, frustration, etc, ensue because things need to  be managed appropriately. If he does have some type of fetal, genetic or neurological syndrome, treating him  with the usual measures  for his age these behaviors is futile.

Contact (sue) the parents for financial support to get help for the child and find alternative custody arrangements for him. 

He has no other relatives besides me and my sister. Literally every one in my family abuse drugs and alcohol. He saw a neurologist a month ago and was diagnosed with essential tremors and other things. But no personality disorder or anything else. I have no legal rights over him so it makes things harder for me. I hate to give up on him and send him back to his dad but.... I see no other option! His parents are both basically homeless and druggie so idk about suing them 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 minute ago, thenotebooks said:

He has no other relatives besides me and my sister. Literally every one in my family abuse drugs and alcohol. He saw a neurologist a month ago and was diagnosed with essential tremors and other things. But no personality disorder or anything else. I have no legal rights over him so it makes things harder for me. I hate to give up on him and send him back to his dad but.... I see no other option! His parents are both basically homeless and druggie so idk about suing them 

Someone needs to get this kid services.  If you have to send him back and then involved CPS/CYS, he would at least be getting services.......and they could work on getting him back with YOU instead of a foster home, but providing the services he needs.  I would imagine there's a way to achieve this without having him bounce back and forth.  Do you know any social workers to ask for advice.

[thenotebooks]

1 hour ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

My god, SEND HIM BACK!    (don't even hesitate)

 

 

You have zero business as a parent (to-be) exposing your child  to any of this.

 

The stupid kid is making illegal pornography, for god's sake.  (and just why do you imagine it will stop at this point???)

 

MAKE your priority what your priority is supposed to be.   And do it now, before the ill effects evolve to perpetuate the cycle of abuse.

 

Imagine your own 14yo kid in 2034 being made to recover from the effects of your brother's wrecked child having abused and videotaped him/her years before, and your having been largely responsible for it.

 

 

This is my thought exactly!!! I love my nephew and I’m  so conflicted because everyone else around him don’t care  yes I know I have to send him back or somewhere else 

[Ruby Slippers]

Wow, what a tough situation. I can understand why you don't want to send him back to an irresponsible drug addict dad. Can you afford some help with him, someone qualified to work with his issues? This sounds incredibly stressful. You're really doing a lot to look after him.

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, thenotebooks said:

He wasn’t diagnosed until 2 months ago. Like I said, theres so much more to this then I can type because I’m currently in a hospital bed about to give birth!!!

Good luck with that, it should be all that's on your mind.

You need to call social services and get advice and support for the care your nephew needs.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

5 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Good luck with that, it should be all that's on your mind.

You need to call social services and get advice and support for the care your nephew needs.

Exactly.  This is not a BAD kid.  He has issues you (OP) are just not equipped to handle :(. 

[ShyViolet]

Send the kid back to his Dad.  You are about to have your own baby and then things will get a lot more stressful around your house.  This is not your responsibility and I know you're trying to do the right thing, but you don't have to take this upon yourself.  Why is his Dad not being forced to step up and deal with his responsibility?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I wouldn't trust him around my newborn. Send him back.