My Friend Wants Me to Break up with My Girlfriend

[Islander19]

I have a real close female friend that I've known for about 5 years now. We've talked about potentially dating in the past, but ultimately we decided to stay friends. She's always been very supportive of me dating and has always been happy to help when I need advice on my relationships. I would say she's one of, if not my best friend and up until recently we've rarely disagreed on anything and just have an overall really solid friendship.

About 5 months ago I started dating someone new. I haven't had the best luck with dating. For the most part it seems like when I like them they don't like me and when they like me I don't like them. I had just never found someone I really clicked with. That is until this girl came around. We have a ton of common interests, really enjoy each other's company, and have a lot of the same life goals. It's only been 5 months so it's not like I'm planning our entire future yet or anything, but I'm really optimistic that this could turn into something special.

So I figured my friend would be super happy for me. But instead it was the exact opposite. She asked to see a photo of her and after looking at it she said my girlfriend "gave her the willies." I really didn't know what to do with that. Over the next few weeks it got worse though. She started saying how my relationship with this girl felt wrong and there was just something off about my girlfriend. The thing is, she was saying all of these things without ever actually meeting her.

Anyways, eventually she got mad because she didn't feel like I was taking her warnings seriously enough. From my perspective though she hasn't even given my girlfriend a chance. She's just made a bunch of assumptions about her without even meeting her. If she met her and thought something seemed off I would take this more seriously. And of course, if my girlfriend was mean to her or did something to make her upset I would obviously side with my friend and dump her. But none of that has happened. 

Following all this, my friend made me promise that she would be the first girl I introduced to my parents (none of my relationships had gotten that far). It seemed like an odd request but I agreed. But shortly after we had a fight and my friend stopped talking to me.

Anyways, soon after my girlfriend introduced me to her parents. My parents really wanted to meet her and while my girlfriend wasn't pressuring me I knew it was important to her to meet my parents. I thought about broaching this topic with my friend but was worried it would just lead to another fight. So, I just introduced my girlfriend to my parents. I figured my friend would come to her senses eventually and realize how silly this all was and we'd move past it.

Boy was I wrong.

Eventually my friend reached back out to me, and when she found out I had introduced my girlfriend to my parents she was really upset. I totally admit, I broke my promise. I guess I didn't realize how important this particular promise was to her. A promise is a promise though and I took full responsibility for it. But she's still mad about it.

Anyways, at this point my friend feels like I'm choosing my girlfriend over her. She says I should trust her advice and break up with her and that she doesn't think she can stay my friend if I keep seeing her.

From my perspective, I'm not choosing one over the other. Both of them are important to me and there's more than enough room in my life for each of them. But now I'm being forced to choose between them, and that's really frustrating.

On the one hand I don't want to lose my friend, but on the other hand I don't want to end the best relationship I've ever been in just to make my friend happy.

Anyways, sorry for the long post. I guess what I want to know is, am I being a bad friend? Or is my friend being completely unreasonable? Any advice would be appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, this "best friend" has been waiting in the wings. She's not your friend at all. Do not tell her about your gf. In fact distance yourself from her. As long as she is your "best friend" who gives you dating advice your love life will be a nightmare.. 

[elaine567]

Yes she may be jealous, yes she may have a crush on you, yes she may feel put out that this is "serious", perhaps she may feel like she has been "replaced", but as she has been very supportive of your other dating adventures, then yoiu have to consider there is something she sees that is "off" about this girl that you don't see...

[Ruby Slippers]

It's none of her business. A real friend is supportive of your freely made decisions. They may express caution about decisions they think aren't smart, but they can't tell you what to do.

I have a female friend who has put up with all kinds of nonsense from her boyfriends that I never would, that in the end caused her a lot of heartache. I've expressed my views in a supportive, friendly way, but never told her what to do, as she's a grown woman who can make her own decisions.

This "friend" needs to focus on her own life and back off.

[mark clemson]

One of the dangers of "orbiters" IMO - they sometimes interfere with what you may have going on. She might have good intentions (might not) and might be seeing something you are not (after all "love is blind") but ultimately you need to let your relationship stand or fall on it's own merits, not the opinions of outsiders.

[basil67]

You've done nothing wrong.  Jettison your "friend"

 

[deepthinking]

The friend is off in insisting it's-her-or-me as it is controlling.  What are the "willies" precisely? With the full story, I would give the friend a hearing.  

 Meanwhile, date the girl. Candidly, a man needs a girlfriend, and I have zero idea why a platonic friendship  with a controlling type would ever be better than a love affair.  

Edited October 31, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Islander19]

20 minutes ago, deepthinking said:

The friend is off in insisting it's-her-or-me as it is controlling.  What are the "willies" precisely?  With the full story, I would give the friend a hearing.  

 Meanwhile, date the girl. Candidly, a man needs a girlfriend, and I have zero idea why a platonic friendship  with a controlling type would ever be better than a love affair.  

Not entirely sure what "willies" are lol. That's just what she told. She just has a bad feeling about her I guess. Yet like I said, she has no grounds or evidence to back up her claim. She's never met her and has never seen us together.

I would like to think men don't need a girlfriend, and I don't want to totally discount platonic friendships as they have a lot of value. And there's something to be said for a friend who's stood by me for 5 years. However, I feel my friend is being pretty unreasonable, and controlling like you said. So if that's the way she's going to be then I'll probably have to revaluate my friendship with her unfortunately.

Edited October 31, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

@deepthinkingGetting the willies is similar to getting the creeps. Or a sense of nervousness which can't be explained.

 

[Mystery4u]

You are choosing your girlfriend over this 'friend', as you should be.

Drop your female friend once and for all. Women are to date, not to become close friends with, as this thread shows perfectly. There is no room in your life for both of them, not sure why you think there is. Your girlfriend should always be your best and closest female friend.

[salparadise]

 

13 hours ago, Islander19 said:

Anyways, eventually she got mad because she didn't feel like I was taking her warnings seriously enough.

Your "friend" has no boundaries and is jealous of your time and attention, at a minimum. The advice she is giving serves her own interests, not yours. She knows that your prior cycle of mismatches keeps her front and center, and keeps you a bit off balance and needful... but you finding a girlfriend that you care about and get along with diminishes her role as the comforter/consoler. In other words, she receives secondary benefit when you have ups and down in dating (mostly the downs). Her position is threatened because you don't need her shoulder to lean on now. So she is making one last desperation play, and that is to try and guilt you into breaking up with the girlfriend... she is trying to get you to accept the notion that her approval is necessary, that her preference is equal to your own in terms of who you date. Not cool.

Here is what I think you should do... tell her that you really care about your girlfriend and that you wish she (the friend) could be supportive. But if not, and if she continues to try and make you choose, you will be sad to lose her as your friend. In other words, reestablish proper boundaries and give her time to equilibrate. It may not work (as is already happening) but you're at least being respectful and doing the right thing. If she gets mad and quits, then it's her choice.  

I'm surprised the girlfriend isn't having a problem with this... or have you been smart enough to not reveal to her the extent of the drama with the friend? This is one angle of many on why it's so impossible for men and women to actually be friends. Bottom line, I think it's probably done. What you need to do is protect and invest in your relationship with the girlfriend, while setting boundaries with the friend. She will probably go away. You want to be able to say you treated her well.

Edited October 31, 2020 by salparadise

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, Islander19 said:

She asked to see a photo of her and after looking at it she said my girlfriend "gave her the willies." I really didn't know what to do with that. Over the next few weeks it got worse though. She started saying how my relationship with this girl felt wrong and there was just something off about my girlfriend. The thing is, she was saying all of these things without ever actually meeting her.

Anyways, eventually she got mad because she didn't feel like I was taking her warnings seriously enough. From my perspective though she hasn't even given my girlfriend a chance. She's just made a bunch of assumptions about her without even meeting her. If she met her and thought something seemed off I would take this more seriously. And of course, if my girlfriend was mean to her or did something to make her upset I would obviously side with my friend and dump her. But none of that has happened. 

Following all this, my friend made me promise that she would be the first girl I introduced to my parents (none of my relationships had gotten that far). It seemed like an odd request but I agreed. But shortly after we had a fight and my friend stopped talking to me.

Anyways, soon after my girlfriend introduced me to her parents. My parents really wanted to meet her and while my girlfriend wasn't pressuring me I knew it was important to her to meet my parents. I thought about broaching this topic with my friend but was worried it would just lead to another fight. So, I just introduced my girlfriend to my parents. I figured my friend would come to her senses eventually and realize how silly this all was and we'd move past it.

Boy was I wrong.

Eventually my friend reached back out to me, and when she found out I had introduced my girlfriend to my parents she was really upset. I totally admit, I broke my promise. I guess I didn't realize how important this particular promise was to her. A promise is a promise though and I took full responsibility for it. But she's still mad about it.

IMO, this is not a friendship. FWIW, I don't even think she has a crush on you. I think she views you as her property. She owns you. You're supposed to direct all your emotional energy towards her. You're supposed to do what she says/wants. You seem to be oblivious to that and even give in when she pressures you (e.g. that promise to introduce her to your parents first. Why on earth would you agree to that?). I wouldn't be surprised if, in the process of recounting past interactions to us, you brought up more instances of absurd/inappropriate demands.

Anyway, it's time to let this "friendship" go. She's actually made it pretty easy for you to do that. Focus on your new relationship and on cultivating heathier friendships with appropriate boundaries.

[elaine567]

There is a lot of assuming thst the friend is incorrect in her assessment of this girl.
We don't know, she  may be right. I guess she may have some inside info about this girl that she hasn't shared with the OP. 

Not the first friend I guess to "get a bad feeling" over their pal's choice of a partner.  But is she to be dismissed purely because she is a woman so she must be jealous, self centred, threatened, insecure etc....
Women are pretty good at sussing out other women... disregard her at your peril.

[Timshel]

The friend has never met the gf.  Any 'inside info' would be third party.  It would be impossible that the basis of the friends concerns could be objective or substantiated in any real sense without having met the gf. Even if they do meet and the friend dislikes the gf, it's not her place to provide any input other than opinion, if asked, as OP's friend. 

Boundary issues indeed.

[Atwood]

I don't think this is an either/or situation if you don't want it to be, but your friend needs to get some boundaries and get them fast. 

Look, it's a common experience for a friend you love and care about to start dating someone you really don't like. The thing is, if you care about your friend and their partner makes them happy and gives you no red flags, you leave them be. If they ask for advice or if you spot anything really worrying (like abuse) then you sensitively and tactfully let them know your concerns. Urging your friend to break up with them or else you lose the friendship is manipulative and controlling and emotionally abusive. On top of that, a truly caring friend would never risk the friendship because they would not want to leave you to fend for yourself with someone they truly thought was a problem. 

Ask her to be more specific. The "willies" is useless. If she's got no tangible issues with the girl that she's worried will cause you harm, then it's none of her business and should butt out. You are giving her way too much free reign to tell you what to do. Friends don't decide who their other friends are allowed to date. They accept their partners and are happy for you.

She's obviously got something to gain by you breaking up with your girlfriend, it's possible she's lost her supply of your full attention and it's making her feel terrible. Not your problem to fix. 

[Islander19]

Thanks for all your responses, I really appreciate it. Most of the replies echo my feelings toward the situation, but I guess I just needed some reassurance that I'm not missing anything.

I do value my friendships so I take it seriously when a friend accuses me of choosing a new love interest over them. I've been on the other side of the equation. I've had friends bail on plans with me to hang out with their girlfriend/boyfriend. I've also had friends suddenly not have any time to hang out with me as soon as they start dating someone. That really sucks and I promised myself that I wouldn't be like that if/when I got into a relationship and I would always make sure to make time for my friends.

But that's not what's happening here. I still have plenty of time to hang out with her and want to still be her friend, I've made that clear to her. She's the one threatening to end the friendship, not me. And I'm certainly not going to break up with someone solely because they tell me too. A quality friend doesn't demand such things from you.

So I'm going to keep seeing my girlfriend. If my friend wants to keep being friends that's great, but if she can't handle that and decides to end the friendship then that's on her, not me.

Thanks again for your advice.

[Islander19]

12 hours ago, elaine567 said:

There is a lot of assuming thst the friend is incorrect in her assessment of this girl.
We don't know, she  may be right. I guess she may have some inside info about this girl that she hasn't shared with the OP. 

Not the first friend I guess to "get a bad feeling" over their pal's choice of a partner.  But is she to be dismissed purely because she is a woman so she must be jealous, self centred, threatened, insecure etc....
Women are pretty good at sussing out other women... disregard her at your peril.

If she had met my girlfriend and seen us together and then came to me with her concerns I'd take her very seriously. She's my friend and I'd expect her to be honest with me if she saw something that concerned her.

But that's not what's happening here. She's never met her. She looked at one picture of her and got a bad feeling before actually knowing anything about her. She's my friend and I want to take her concerns seriously, but I can't in good conscious break up with someone just because they get the "willies" after looking at a picture of them. Maybe I'm too close-minded, but that just doesn't make any sense to me.

Also, I don't appreciate being told I have to break up with someone otherwise they're not going to be my friend any more. That's not what friends do. She's been with a few guys I didn't agree with and I told her as much. But I never threatened to stop being her friend because of it. She's an adult and she can make her own decisions. She eventually left those guys, and maybe my advice factored into it, but that was her decision. That's the way it should be in my opinion.

[ShyViolet]

This "friend" sounds incredibly immature.  How old is she, 16?  Because that's what it sounds like.  She obviously has feelings for you and is jealous that you have a girlfriend, and is trying to sabotage it.  She has no right to demand that you break up with your girlfriend, or dictate who you introduce to your parents.  Are you going to let this immature "friend" control you by throwing her temper tantrums?  I don't understand why you would want to be friends with a person like that.  Tell her that you are going to keep seeing your girlfriend, and that she has no right to try and control who you date.  And if she can't deal with that, then she can go find another friend.

[Timshel]

1 hour ago, Islander19 said:

That's not what friends do.That's the way it should be in my opinion.

Correct. Trust yourself, that's kahuna.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately your female friend seems quite immature and jealous.

She needs to get her act together and get herself her own BF.

You seem to be moving in a more mature direction than she is. 

As an adult, friends are still very important but as you and your relationships mature, your partner starts talking more of the center stage.

[Acacia98]

23 hours ago, elaine567 said:

There is a lot of assuming thst the friend is incorrect in her assessment of this girl.
We don't know, she  may be right. I guess she may have some inside info about this girl that she hasn't shared with the OP. 

If she has inside info, isn't telling him what that info is the rational thing to do?  If I thought my male friend's new girlfriend wasn't treating him right, I would tell him what exactly I thought was problematic. If I had heard something disturbing about her, I would tell him what I had heard and ask him to be careful. I wouldn't squint at a picture and say she gave me the creeps then try to manipulate him into choosing me over her.

I also wouldn't do either of the following:

"Following all this, my friend made me promise that she would be the first girl I introduced to my parents (none of my relationships had gotten that far)."

"She says I should trust her advice and break up with her and that she doesn't think she can stay my friend if I keep seeing her."

[Wiseman2]

On 10/30/2020 at 4:44 PM, Islander19 said:

. We've talked about potentially dating in the past, but ultimately we decided to stay friends. 

On the one hand I don't want to lose my friend, but on the other hand I don't want to end the best relationship I've ever been in just to make my friend happy.

Anyways, sorry for the long post. I guess what I want to know is, am I being a bad friend? 

Hanging out with this orbiter will undermine your chances of ever finding/ keeping a GF.

This frenemy has her own agenda. Anyone you date will not want to have a third wheel around no less have this "friend" calling the shots, and put up with you running to this "friend" gossiping and looking for relationship advice.

You need to decide if you want to date anyone seriously or put your life on hold for this "friend's" extremely bad advice.

Edited November 1, 2020 by Wiseman2

[salparadise]

15 hours ago, Islander19 said:

I do value my friendships so I take it seriously when a friend accuses me of choosing a new love interest over them. I've been on the other side of the equation. I've had friends bail on plans with me to hang out with their girlfriend/boyfriend. I've also had friends suddenly not have any time to hang out with me as soon as they start dating someone. That really sucks and I promised myself that I wouldn't be like that if/when I got into a relationship and I would always make sure to make time for my friends.

It's perfectly natural and normal that you would prioritize your romantic relationship over platonic friendships. That doesn't mean you're being disloyal or unfair to the friend, it doesn't mean they're getting the short end of the stick either. The way you balance it is by scheduling time with the friend *when it's convenient* and keeping your commitment. It doesn't mean they're entitled to as much of your time and attention as the want, or may be used to when you weren't dating anyone. For example, if your friend is used to hanging out on Friday evenings and expects that will continue regardless, then she has entitlement issues. She is the one who needs to make the adjustment. Friendship need to be elastic, because otherwise you end up with... well, your situation. 

I don't disagree with @Wiseman2 –– she has an agenda, and it's about her. I'd advise you to not allow her to interfere in your relationship, to not let your girlfriend know that she's poking her nose where it doesn't belong, or that she doesn't like the girlfriend. Even her saying negative things about your girlfriend is too much as it could subtly erode your enthusiasm for the relationship. I concur that this woman is way off base, and if this relationship is looking like the real deal it's probably better that this friend (orbiter perhaps) takes a hike. You just need to speak gently but assertively, enforce appropriate boundaries, and prioritize your relationship... and let the chips fall where they may.