Should I just end this friendship?

[faithandfood]

So I had a best friend that I have been knowing since 2018. Told her everything, opened up to her about several aspects of my life. I have noticed several red flags throughout the friendship, such as envy and dishonesty but I overlooked it. We used to talk everyday or so up until last month. She would take days to respond to me while being active on social media, leave me on read on multiple platforms, and then also stopped telling me things. Lol okay cool. I kept distance as well, especially after I noted she does not ask how I am doing or check up on me. And she's always active on all platforms. We did not talk for almost a week until last week. She was like, "I've been meaning to hang with you, but I know you need time to decompress" bc I currently work Sun-Thurs. I told her to let me know if she was free today. All she said was "think I will be free, will keep you posted". Well, she didn't talk to me since then after leaving me on read since last Saturday. I was thinking maybe she would contact today to see if we were still on, but she posted on her story about how she's on a date. Currently feeling really betrayed.

Edited October 31, 2020 by faithandfood

[DarrenB]

If the time investment isn't reciprocated then I'd personally just call it off. It sounds as though she doesn't value the 'friendship' you share as much as you do.

It literally takes a couple seconds out of your day to write a text to someone. 

 

[dangerous]

doesn't sound like much of a friend, more a user. Do the same, use her if she makes you feel good, drop her if she doesn't.

[d0nnivain]

It sucks when friendships change.   I think her level of disinterest has cooled this friendship that you don't have to anything to pump the breaks.  Stop relying on her & stop reaching out.  Direct your attention elsewhere.  If she reaches out to you & it's convenient be cordial.  Nothing else is required.  

[elaine567]

My guess she doesn't need female friends at the moment.
Her time is taken up with social media and men...

Edited October 31, 2020 by elaine567
Typo

[stillafool]

Yeah if she's dating a lot she just doesn't have time for you anymore.  She probably doesn't mean to hurt your feelings she's just busy with all the men in her life.

[faithandfood]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

My guess she doesn't need female friends at the moment.
Her time is taken up with social media and men...

She currently hangs out with other female friends.

[Cookiesandough]

I’ve had a few friendships like that.  It sucks  because you can see clearly the signs of them not being a true friend, but you can’t really even pinpoint it to say it should definitively end. It can seem as innocent as some low key jealousy or flakiness, but it’s not true friendship. I had the policy that if a person is not overall adding positively to my life, they relinquish the right to call themselves a friend.  Goodbye, Felicia. 

Edited October 31, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

I would move her to the "acquaintance" folder. Focus on other friends. 

[faithandfood]

So I was just chilling at work today and she sends this. Mind you guys, it’s been 3 weeks no contact.

“gm girl i don’t ever wanna let lack of communication ruin anything so i have noticed a shift in our ours lol, not saying anything or anyone is to blame. life can sometimes just happen but if i’ve done anything to upset you or disappoint i do apologize. if you want your space from me i totally respect that and just speak to me when you’re ready. not by force, i’m here for you and respect any decisions u make regarding me as a friend or person in ur life. sending you love and happiness 💖”

[Ellener]

9 hours ago, faithandfood said:

So I was just chilling at work today and she sends this. Mind you guys, it’s been 3 weeks no contact.

“gm girl i don’t ever wanna let lack of communication ruin anything so i have noticed a shift in our ours lol, not saying anything or anyone is to blame. life can sometimes just happen but if i’ve done anything to upset you or disappoint i do apologize. if you want your space from me i totally respect that and just speak to me when you’re ready. not by force, i’m here for you and respect any decisions u make regarding me as a friend or person in ur life. sending you love and happiness 💖”

Sounds high maintenance. You could just respond 'all good' and leave it there? See what happens but whatever- fill the rest of your life with good happy stuff.

 

 

[faithandfood]

21 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Sounds high maintenance. You could just respond 'all good' and leave it there? See what happens but whatever- fill the rest of your life with good happy stuff.

 

 

Right? I was gonna say this to know her wrongdoings:

“Hey girl, hope all is well. Yeah there has been a lack of communication, which I’ve also noted. Tbh I noticed how you started to not talk to me as much, like not texting back as before. Like on here and Twitter DM, you never replied, which I looked over because I know we’re all busy. I didn’t want to bombard with messages or anything or come off as annoying. But I lowkey felt ignored. It was a bit weird how we started talking only just on Instagram DM, but I was like okay I guess. It has been a bit hard to meet and all due to our schedules, but I tried to meet three weeks ago. We last talked on Oct. 23 and I mentioned to let me know if you were free the following Friday. You said you would keep me posted & you never got back to me. I saw your story and you were with someone that day, which really hurt. Because typically we always plan our meets and all. With all that, I felt like our friendship wasn’t really important to you anymore. Didn’t want to force.”

[Ellener]

12 minutes ago, faithandfood said:

Right? I was gonna say this to know her wrongdoings:

“Hey girl, hope all is well. Yeah there has been a lack of communication, which I’ve also noted. Tbh I noticed how you started to not talk to me as much, like not texting back as before. Like on here and Twitter DM, you never replied, which I looked over because I know we’re all busy. I didn’t want to bombard with messages or anything or come off as annoying. But I lowkey felt ignored. It was a bit weird how we started talking only just on Instagram DM, but I was like okay I guess. It has been a bit hard to meet and all due to our schedules, but I tried to meet three weeks ago. We last talked on Oct. 23 and I mentioned to let me know if you were free the following Friday. You said you would keep me posted & you never got back to me. I saw your story and you were with someone that day, which really hurt. Because typically we always plan our meets and all. With all that, I felt like our friendship wasn’t really important to you anymore. Didn’t want to force.”

Equally high maintenance, to me anyway! Let go with joy, if the friendship's meant to be it will drift back naturally and won't be this difficult is my feeling.

 

 

 

[faithandfood]

26 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Equally high maintenance, to me anyway! Let go with joy, if the friendship's meant to be it will drift back naturally and won't be this difficult is my feeling.

 

 

 

Wait sorry can you explain how it’s high maintenance? Was just saying how I feel 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, faithandfood said:

Wait sorry can you explain how it’s high maintenance? Was just saying how I feel 

I think it's okay to write it out and definitely to have your feelings, but it seems like a lot of words/explanation to me for something which could be expressed 'I feel left out' ( or whatever ) It's just my perspective, another way of looking at things, not just seeing 'wrongdoings'.

But- it's your relationship, your choices; feel confident that if you need to say it then say it.

I'm probably a lot older than you but the handful of 'best friends' I have we drop out of each other's lives for months at a time when we're busy, and I could not count the people in my life who have been just brief intense friendships, hundreds of them. 

 

 

 

[MsJayne]

She's one of those females who ditch their friends when a better offer, (male attention), comes along.  They have no time for you until they get dumped by the latest guy and then they're on the 'phone all gushing and chummy asking what you're up to. Take it as the insult it is and react accordingly.  

[Cookiesandough]

6 hours ago, faithandfood said:

Right? I was gonna say this to know her wrongdoings:

“Hey girl, hope all is well. Yeah there has been a lack of communication, which I’ve also noted. Tbh I noticed how you started to not talk to me as much, like not texting back as before. Like on here and Twitter DM, you never replied, which I looked over because I know we’re all busy. I didn’t want to bombard with messages or anything or come off as annoying. But I lowkey felt ignored. It was a bit weird how we started talking only just on Instagram DM, but I was like okay I guess. It has been a bit hard to meet and all due to our schedules, but I tried to meet three weeks ago. We last talked on Oct. 23 and I mentioned to let me know if you were free the following Friday. You said you would keep me posted & you never got back to me. I saw your story and you were with someone that day, which really hurt. Because typically we always plan our meets and all. With all that, I felt like our friendship wasn’t really important to you anymore. Didn’t want to force.”

looks like one huge wall of gaslighting.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, faithandfood said:

Wait sorry can you explain how it’s high maintenance? Was just saying how I feel 

Yes, you said how you feel, but the high maintenance was where you showed that you've been keeping score of how much you've reached out vs her.   There's too much "I" vs "you" in your text.   If you want to keep her in your life, let the past go and talk about how you'd like the future to look.  

[faithandfood]

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

looks like one huge wall of gaslighting.

Lol not a gaslighter. Everything I said was the truth. I’m not begging for her friendship.

Edited November 14, 2020 by faithandfood

[faithandfood]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, you said how you feel, but the high maintenance was where you showed that you've been keeping score of how much you've reached out vs her.   There's too much "I" vs "you" in your text.   If you want to keep her in your life, let the past go and talk about how you'd like the future to look.  

I’m confused. I thought you’re not supposed to attack the person, especially with using “you” I learned in therapy that it’s best to say “I felt” 

Edited November 14, 2020 by faithandfood

[faithandfood]

I’m not gonna sit back and just keep quiet. I’ve noticed several red flags and the friendship has been one sided. What’s wrong with saying that

Edited November 14, 2020 by faithandfood

[faithandfood]

3 hours ago, MsJayne said:

She's one of those females who ditch their friends when a better offer, (male attention), comes along.  They have no time for you until they get dumped by the latest guy and then they're on the 'phone all gushing and chummy asking what you're up to. Take it as the insult it is and react accordingly.  

Thank you.

[Acacia98]

7 minutes ago, faithandfood said:

I’m not gonna sit back and let her not know how she hurt me. 

Personally, I'd simply respond with a thumbs-up or "Cool!" Then I'd get on with my life. There's no way I'd invest more in the friendship than the other person was doing. Writing a  letter like yours would take up way too much time and energy.

Edited November 14, 2020 by Acacia98

[faithandfood]

9 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Personally, I'd simply respond with a thumbs-up or "Cool!" Then I'd get on with my life. There's no way I'd invest more in the friendship than the other person was doing. Writing a  letter like yours would take up way too much time and energy.

You’re right. See I just want to get off those off my chest and leave it like that

[Beachead]

@faithandfood

I think her reaching out to you and apologizing was a nice gesture that warrants a chance.  Not many people fess up and do that.

If you choose not to give her another chance, then don't worry about any of this.

If you choose to give her one, you can go about things in two ways:

1. You can tell her that you noticed the distance, it hurt you a little, and that it'd be nice to spend more time together.  This way, you are not coming off as accusing nor are you showing that you are keeping tabs on everything she is doing or not doing (Which might make her feel uneasy and not relaxed around you).  All you are doing here is just stating you value your friendship with her. 

2. Alternatively, you don't have to say anything.  You can stay silent about it.  

Both methods have their advantages and disadvantages depending on the person you are dealing with.

Once you clear this step, what you should do is monitor how she behaves over the next few months, silently.  She's apologized so her behaviour should change.  If it doesn't and you find you're still feeling the same way..drop her.  There is no point in keeping her around.  Who she is and the friendship she brings leaves you feeling worse and people like that will be a detriment to your mental health..and ultimately your overall life. 

- Beach

Edited November 14, 2020 by Beachead