Not sure what to do?

[stephen48]

so im a 32 year old male and for the last couple of months i've been sleeping with a girl (30) who currently has a boyfriend (together 10 years) of which with she has a kid.  It started out as just friends at work but over the last few months grew into something much more then that. I was hesitant about doing anything for the longest time. But over the course of the relationship she started telling me about how terrible her boyfriend was to her and how unhappy she was. she told me she wanted to leave but was afraid that he might take his own life. Or possibly do something drastic that she would feel responsible for. she would tell me she was falling for me and how much she liked me.

 so long story short we ended up sleeping together and after that things progressed fairly fast. for a few months we were pretty serious. she would text me non stop tell me i was the best thing that's happened to her, tell me I'm all she thinks about and that she really liked me. She would even tell me she was done with her bf and i was all she could think about.  it was like we were in a relationship without the title. during this time i also caught some feelings for her and felt pretty bad about it. but i kept hearing about how bad her bf was to her and didn't feel as bad about things. we slept together for 4 months and things seemed to get pretty serious. she would constantly tell me she misses me all the time, send me messages of how bad she wanted me to be with her. all that kind of stuff you get in the begging of a relationship i guess? kind of like the honeymoon stage

Fast forward to last week and she randomly texts me to come over later. so i agree but then slightly after she tells me she has to ask me a question. she asks me if it would be okay for her to forgive her bf they had been fighting really bad since we started talking and she was ready to forgive him now. i was kind of taken aback by this all of a sudden change in heart. she insisted to me they were done and she was finished with their relationship. then this out of the blue? So i told her she had to do whatever was best for her and her kid and id respect that decision. knowing full well i was going to still have to see her at work everyday for at least a few months till i could get a new assignment. she told me she fell in love with me and she would always have feelings for me and that her relationship was good until she met me which was crazy because i had that much power over her. And that in the 10 years they had been together she had never had these feelings for anyone else or cheated on him with anyone else. She also hinted at how how hard it would be not to let it happen again with me. but all this kinda confused me cause all i ever heard was about how bad her relationship had been since the begging, and i was kind of taken a-back.  So we ended the conversation there and i went to bed. The next day at work i tried my best to keep my distance and be mindful of the decision she had made and i was a little upset about the whole thing so i kept to myself. she texted me a couple times and i answered but just short answers nothing serious and she would just respond with sad faces. i talked to her when i had to for work purposes but other then that i kept it strictly professional. Everything seemed fine but the next morning she texted me and i gave the same short response as usual and carried on with my day. at this point to me i took the fact that she was choosing her bf to mean that i would be excluded from her life from this point on. never in a million years did i think id get an angry message asking me why i was ignoring her and being such a jerk. i responded saying i was trying to make things easier by giving her space and trying to make it easier for myself. But she told me that she never wanted space and that she still wanted me in her life. and that she would always have feelings for me and want to continue talking to me and have me in her life and. And that she couldn't just drop me out of nowhere like that. I'm not going to lie but this part confused me completely. I'm the person that she has now cheated with and she told that she wanted to forgive her bf and be with him but still wanted me to be around just no sex?? not to mention there was no mention of confessing the cheating just ignoring it and moving on. like I'm just being placed on the sidelines while she tests out her first choice? There was even a point where she made me feel crazy for assuming that i was being removed from her life so she could be fully with him.

So i guess my question is what would you guys do in this kind of situation? There is some stuff that leads me to believe if i handle this wrong she might do something drastic. and i don't want to be responsible for anything happening because of me. i have an idea of what i want to do but i guess i'm curious about other peoples suggestions. i have no intention of ever sleeping with her again or really even any want to be involved with her at any point. i realized that someone like that isn't someone i could ever be in a relationship with and trust. Id constantly be looking over her shoulder wondering if there was someone else.

 

[Zona]

3 hours ago, stephen48 said:

i have no intention of ever sleeping with her again or really even any want to be involved with her at any point. i realized that someone like that isn't someone i could ever be in a relationship with and trust. Id constantly be looking over her shoulder wondering if there was someone else.

I think you have answered your own question about what you should do and why.

[elaine567]

You confused an extra marital affair with singles dating. You thought you were building something, she would leave her bf for you, and all would be hunky dory but...
That is not how affairs tend to work.

Yes some women will use the affair to monkey branch onto a better prospect, but  I guess at one point she decided she was better off staying with the father of her child and having you as an extra support systm on the side.. 

There is nothing for you here.
Stay away from attached women, they may appear as a somewhat better option or easier to get maybe, but they rarely are.

[ExpatInItaly]

She's being a typical cake-eater. 

She isn't anywhere near ready to leave her boyfriend but she doesn't want you going anywhere, in case they have another bad spell and she wants you attention and company again. 

Tell her to get bent. In so many words, of course. 

 

[Luna66star]

I agree with other posters.  She was going through a rough patch with BF.  You were around and made her feel better during that difficult time.  

Having someone on the side helps them cope better.  Married men so this also.  Things could just stale or boring with SO at home, or serious problems like in your case.

Do not sleep with attached people.  The rollercoaster ride of ups and downs will mentally and emotionally exhaust you.  

It's hard to accept if you are emotionally involved- like you are.  You may continue to make excuses for her due to your attachment.

You will be left alone and lonely in this type of case.  You are more confused than ever.  A huge red flag that you need to look for a single woman.  Get out of that dept where you work with her asap.  Otherwise she will continue to manipulate you and play on your sympathy.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, stephen48 said:

i realized that someone like that isn't someone i could ever be in a relationship with and trust. Id constantly be looking over her shoulder wondering if there was someone else.

You're smart to cut her out. And your assessment of her character based on actions you've seen first hand seem correct. Distance yourself at work. Perhaps you were in a low place or lonely at the time, but now you can move forward smarter and wiser. 

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, stephen48 said:

So i guess my question is what would you guys do in this kind of situation?

I'd like to think I'd realize I was the emotional band aid either on her bad relationship or in addition to her okay relationship for someone who needs that (both are theoretically possible).

The logical thing to do after realizing this is to cut ties and move on. IF she pulls stunts or "tries anything drastic" that is her generating drama in an attempt to control you/reel you back in as her emotional salve. Ignore it as best you can and stay resolved is IMO the best thing to do. IF she seriously discusses suicide, it would presumably then become a matter to refer to authorities such as the police or local suicide prevention hotline folks. That sort of stuff is outside a regular person's "paygrade" and you should IMO recognize it as such.

[Bonifidelifelover]

As usual I agree with mark ^ listen to him he’s wise :).
 

So my take on the whole getting upset calling u a jerk part is just her wanting her cake & she couldn’t have it! She definitely is playing games. She wants to go back to her bf, but when u didn’t respond to her like she wanted she was upset because u drew back ur full attention & she didn’t like it cause she wants u to be strung along still & For you To still “fawn over” her. She wants the relationship & ur flattering attention, because hey attention feels good right? 
 

BUT, She needs to let u go fully if that’s what she wants & has decided. I’d definitely go full no contact as much as u can. You know she’ll be reaching out, but she’ll continue to play her game & You’ll just end up hurt & hurt again. She seems manipulative. Find urself a single lady, there are tons looking for a great guy trust me! 

[deepthinking]

You have every right to keep away.  They all eat meals together, and watch TV after., and spend weekends together.  She is not solo like you; her husband can take care of any drastic stuff. She offers you nothing.  Side-pieces lose out.  Nobody wants that for you, not when you could be having fun

Edited November 2, 2020 by deepthinking

[stephen48]

Yeah after the "talk" i pretty much assumed she was trying to keep both of us in her life. I do get the feeling that she isn't happy being with her bf and that she made the decision out of fear of the consequences of deciding to leave instead. but that's no excuse to string someone along then get mad at them when they start to distance them self. I think its just a case of her being selfish she wants me here to pick up the pieces and make her feel better when its suitable for her but doesn't care how that makes me feel in the process.The hard part is she's been texting me and calling me since then. Telling me how much she misses me and babbling about how sad she is. I've ignored all of her attempts to rope me back in and have just kept things civil and straight forward at work. I think for now i'm gonna play nice and just get out as soon as i can, it will be easier when i don't have to see her anymore and i can just fade out from the situation.

The one thing that i still try and understand is the fact that she told me countless stories about how terrible this man was to her over the years. But when she decided to forgive him and tell me about it she made it sound like the relationship was fine until i came along, And i was the reason the relationship started to fail. Were all the stories a lie? Is it her way of trying to suppress the bad memories and pretend things are fine? this part just doesn't make sense to me

[Negotaurus]

8 hours ago, stephen48 said:

Yeah after the "talk" i pretty much assumed she was trying to keep both of us in her life. I do get the feeling that she isn't happy being with her bf and that she made the decision out of fear of the consequences of deciding to leave instead. but that's no excuse to string someone along then get mad at them when they start to distance them self. I think its just a case of her being selfish she wants me here to pick up the pieces and make her feel better when its suitable for her but doesn't care how that makes me feel in the process.The hard part is she's been texting me and calling me since then. Telling me how much she misses me and babbling about how sad she is. I've ignored all of her attempts to rope me back in and have just kept things civil and straight forward at work. I think for now i'm gonna play nice and just get out as soon as i can, it will be easier when i don't have to see her anymore and i can just fade out from the situation.

The one thing that i still try and understand is the fact that she told me countless stories about how terrible this man was to her over the years. But when she decided to forgive him and tell me about it she made it sound like the relationship was fine until i came along, And i was the reason the relationship started to fail. Were all the stories a lie? Is it her way of trying to suppress the bad memories and pretend things are fine? this part just doesn't make sense to me

I think that most of the time they rant and lie because they want to convince THEMSELVES of how bad their partner is. That the betrayed partner is the bad guy, them, no, they are the victim. I was a loyal, loving girlfriend and my ex would tell such disgusting things about me behind my back, after ranting he usually hit up his "lady" and proceeded to cheat on me. Like that, for a year. It's plain entitlement and delusional thinking, nothing to it, try not to think about it. Be strictly professional with her and nothing else. And in the future, don't sleep with women who are in relationships.  

Edited November 2, 2020 by Negotaurus

[ExpatInItaly]

On 11/2/2020 at 4:30 AM, stephen48 said:

The one thing that i still try and understand is the fact that she told me countless stories about how terrible this man was to her over the years. But when she decided to forgive him and tell me about it she made it sound like the relationship was fine until i came along, And i was the reason the relationship started to fail. Were all the stories a lie? Is it her way of trying to suppress the bad memories and pretend things are fine? this part just doesn't make sense to me

They were probably modified to suit her narrative and justify (to herself, and to you) her cheating. 

I doubt the relationship was wonderful but it likely wasn't as bad as she made it seem, either. Alternatively, it might have been bad but she'd been desperately hoping all along that her boyfriend would start to change his ways - because deep down, he is who she's really wanted all this time. You were there to fill in the gaps. And she's pissed off now that she realizes you might not be there gap-filler anymore. 

She's a bad apple, OP. Don't even entertain her messages and calls about how much she misses you. Tell her to save it because you're not going to be her Plan B any longer.