Turning around rejection

[ZA Dater]

Scenario is this. Met someone, had a pretty good time, chatted well, did not really connect but is it worth going back and asking for an informal coffee meet up? What she is looking for is very difficult to find so is it worth going back and trying again or better to just move on. The latter seems to be the more accepted way but what can be the harm in seeing if she wants to meet for a coffee considering she is back on Bumble again?

[Ellener]

I leave the door open sometimes, but I also delete their number/contact and 'the ball's in your court' so to speak. That weeds out the lazy too, and I do it with friendships also.

[Miss Spider]

I don’t understand what you mean by “did not really connect”? Did she decline a second date with you the first time? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Met someone, had a pretty good time, chatted well, did not really connect but is it worth going back and asking for an informal coffee meet up? 

Asking for coffee is harmless enough. Give it a shot.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

What she is looking for is very difficult to find

Do you match up in some way with what she is looking for?

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

had a pretty good time, chatted well, did not really connect 

This seems a bit contradictory.  I would have said that if you had a good time and chatted well, then you did connect.   Could you perhaps explain this a little further.

I'd also like to know if you have what she's looking for.  

[ZA Dater]

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

This seems a bit contradictory.  I would have said that if you had a good time and chatted well, then you did connect.   Could you perhaps explain this a little further.

I'd also like to know if you have what she's looking for.  

She is a homebody, does not drink, go out to clubs, extremely intelligent and for many guys slightly intimidating because of it. I suspect as always with me I just don't sell well enough to be deemed attractive enough but with her I think there was enough commonality and common ground to maybe try again, especially seeing I see she is on bumble again. The problem I think is she s 37, in some ways lamenting a life which did not go as planned.

Or I am way off base and she just wants casual flings.

[MeadowFlower]

22 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Scenario is this. Met someone, had a pretty good time, chatted well, did not really connect but is it worth going back and asking for an informal coffee meet up? What she is looking for is very difficult to find so is it worth going back and trying again or better to just move on. The latter seems to be the more accepted way but what can be the harm in seeing if she wants to meet for a coffee considering she is back on Bumble again?

If you have a geniune interest, then go for it!! Do it! 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

She is a homebody, does not drink, go out to clubs, extremely intelligent and for many guys slightly intimidating because of it. I suspect as always with me I just don't sell well enough to be deemed attractive enough but with her I think there was enough commonality and common ground to maybe try again, especially seeing I see she is on bumble again. The problem I think is she s 37, in some ways lamenting a life which did not go as planned.

Or I am way off base and she just wants casual flings.

Sounds like there's a lot of commonality.  And if it's true that she's lamenting a life which did not go as planned, you've got that in common too.   If you like her, ask her out again.

What makes you think she wants casual flings?  

[Chilli]

l'd try it considering what you've said , although the flings would turn me off quick smart but if your ok with it. Or did she reject you already anyway going on the title? lf so it's a long shot .

[elaine567]

How did she reject you? 
Did she just not agree to a second date, if so, what did she say?

Or did she just fade away or ghost you?
Or did she actively block you?

[normal person]

If you asked to see her again and she declined, then you've got to respect her wishes. If things were left more ambiguously, for instance, "so ...it was nice to meet you (?)" or something like that and she hasn't expressed outright disinterest in seeing you again, then I don't see anything wrong with trying if you want. Though if you're interested in her, I would suggest you escalate the situation rather than deescalate with an informal coffee. I feel like it'd up your chances for her to feel more excited about you and vice versa, not less. 

Edited November 2, 2020 by normal person

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, elaine567 said:

How did she reject you? 
Did she just not agree to a second date, if so, what did she say?

Or did she just fade away or ghost you?
Or did she actively block you?

Pretty much ghosted me.

[normal person]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Pretty much ghosted me.

Then she's giving you an answer. If she wanted to talk to you again, she would, as you gave her every opportunity. Take the hint and cut your losses. On to the next. 

Edited November 2, 2020 by normal person

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Pretty much ghosted me.

If she's ignoring your post date contact, then you can only move on.

[Ellener]

2 hours ago, normal person said:

Then she's giving you an answer. If she wanted to talk to you again, she would, as you gave her every opportunity. Take the hint and cut your losses. On to the next. 

Good lord, people are nuts these days! 

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Pretty much ghosted me.

Why do people even treat each other so badly?

Sorry @ZA Dater

[Miss Spider]

8 hours ago, normal person said:

Then she's giving you an answer. If she wanted to talk to you again, she would, as you gave her every opportunity. Take the hint and cut your losses. On to the next. 

This. Not entirely sure why you would interpret her being back on the app as a green light to try again if she wasn’t interested the first time.  She’s still on there looking for her unicorn too. You guys didn’t connect the first time. Keep moving forward 

Edited November 3, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Not entirely sure why you would interpret her being back on the app as a green light to try again if she wasn’t interested the first time.  She’s still on there looking for her unicorn too

This seems to be a pretty common idea amongst some men.
Women who are still on dating apps will suddenly accept guys they previously rejected, but why would they?
They have their own list of requirements and if a guy doesn't match up, then he doesn't match up.
Yes, she may be looking for an impossible "unicorn", or maybe just some ordinary guy she can get along with.

ZA, would you be interested in some "unsuitable" woman contacting you again, as she saw you were still on the app?

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

This seems to be a pretty common idea amongst some men.
Women who are still on dating apps will suddenly accept guys they previously rejected, but why would they?
They have their own list of requirements and if a guy doesn't match up, then he doesn't match up.
Yes, she may be looking for an impossible "unicorn", or maybe just some ordinary guy she can get along with.

ZA, would you be interested in some "unsuitable" woman contacting you again, as she saw you were still on the app?

I can only assume the logic is “Ha, she’s back. She’s still alone. Maybe she’s as desperate as I am, therefore willing to try again even though there was nothing there the first time”  

[alphamale]

17 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Pretty much ghosted me.

dude, move on

[ZA Dater]

11 hours ago, elaine567 said:

This seems to be a pretty common idea amongst some men.
Women who are still on dating apps will suddenly accept guys they previously rejected, but why would they?
They have their own list of requirements and if a guy doesn't match up, then he doesn't match up.
Yes, she may be looking for an impossible "unicorn", or maybe just some ordinary guy she can get along with.

ZA, would you be interested in some "unsuitable" woman contacting you again, as she saw you were still on the app?

The point is, in what way am I unsuitable? This is why dating and me do not get along, she told me she wanted to be friends, she smiled, laughed and I thought it was an decent date, better than most. My only reasoning to try again was to say ok well maybe you can give me the benefit of the doubt which is akin to grovelling. Something I do not ever do.

I had a chat with a friend about dating today, he has endless choice, he gets chased and generally can date whoever he wants. Its a lovely position to be in. He simply does not understand why I do not want to sleep with that blond or that attractive whoever, well the logic which escapes him is I know they do not want me. Its an interesting situation of polar opposites in experience.  

All I thought with this is I might win another friend with this lady. I put up a brave face but even for me its tough to wake up some days and wonder through them alone with nobody of any interest taking a modicum of interest in me.

I have had ladies re contact me and more than once I have met them again but ostensibly there were never an areas of common interest and attraction to begin with whereas with this lady there are lots which makes her unusual for me.

But yes I suspect you are right she is just looking for a unicorn of some sort.

I dunno maybe the thing which does give me some happiness is reading about people who did actually find someone they really liked who liked them too.

 

[ZA Dater]

23 hours ago, normal person said:

Then she's giving you an answer. If she wanted to talk to you again, she would, as you gave her every opportunity. Take the hint and cut your losses. On to the next. 

You are as normal, quite correct. There is not really a next to move onto, sure there are some people but none excite me to any degree at all. I dunno I seem to find some solace in reading about the success of others because at least then I know there is in fact success for some. The losses add up quite a lot over time and the wins, well need to look at lot harder for anything remotely positive. 

Ultimately I think you get 30 minutes to make your case on a date, after that well its done, you cannot reverse the outcome , its just unfortunate in my case I cant do any impressing in 30 minutes and mostly I am seldom in the position where I even feel like I want to try. Its like being the water boy at the game, you get to see the wins but never experience them because you are not in the game. Again today I had to look at 10 pictures of 5 different ladies this friend of mine is dating at the same time. Each more pretty than the next, many off dating apps. 

Lot of what you have said in the past does stick with me and I think about it fairly often for what its worth, though I do think so much of how we live life is about how much interest others take in us, truthfully I have wondered through life anonymously but impressively enough to be respected. But respect does not get that statuesque blond to go out with you or ever greet you. If I could go back I think my inability to find "next" is a function of just never being able to find the first success. 

Why I liked this lady was, we simply go on, I could spend time with her and it was easy time to spend, I did not need to work and work and work at the date to try find any sort of positive success and its doing that which has made me simply tired of the game. Unfortunately by the time they are 30 most ladies have dating experience so they can spot someone who does not easily and a fumbling awkward lacking confidence guy wont ever really get a look in. My option: live life vicariously through others.

[Trail Blazer]

On 11/1/2020 at 7:09 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Asking for coffee is harmless enough. Give it a shot.

I agree with this, except I usually ask for two shots in my ☕ as I like it very 💪

[elaine567]

16 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I have had ladies re contact me and more than once I have met them again but ostensibly there were never an areas of common interest and attraction to begin with whereas with this lady there are lots which makes her unusual for me.

But in this case it is not about what you think.. 
You think there are areas of common interest and attraction with this woman, but SHE did not feel the same, else she would not have ghosted you.

[Moves Like Jagger]

18 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

The point is, in what way am I unsuitable? This is why dating and me do not get along, she told me she wanted to be friends, she smiled, laughed and I thought it was an decent date, better than most. My only reasoning to try again was to say ok well maybe you can give me the benefit of the doubt which is akin to grovelling. Something I do not ever do.

I had a chat with a friend about dating today, he has endless choice, he gets chased and generally can date whoever he wants. Its a lovely position to be in. He simply does not understand why I do not want to sleep with that blond or that attractive whoever, well the logic which escapes him is I know they do not want me. Its an interesting situation of polar opposites in experience.  

All I thought with this is I might win another friend with this lady. I put up a brave face but even for me its tough to wake up some days and wonder through them alone with nobody of any interest taking a modicum of interest in me.

I have had ladies re contact me and more than once I have met them again but ostensibly there were never an areas of common interest and attraction to begin with whereas with this lady there are lots which makes her unusual for me.

But yes I suspect you are right she is just looking for a unicorn of some sort.

I dunno maybe the thing which does give me some happiness is reading about people who did actually find someone they really liked who liked them too.

 

Where did you go for the date? I need some context. I don't know if it was another coffee date interview or you did something fun for the date? I never  understood why people recommend coffee if it's something that you're not passionate about.