DebussyChopin Posted November 1, 2020 Share Posted November 1, 2020 My ex is my best friend and we had such great times together. The breakup process was agonizing, but we are still on good terms and I don't think that will ever change. I am extremely fond of her, but I was the one who broke up with her because I could not promise her a long term commitment and I could not continue to waster her time (we dated for a year, both early 30s). She's already reached out to me a couple times since and we have been cordial, kept things brief. But right now I have the urge to call her or stop by and say hi and give her a big long affectionate bear hug. I'm jonesing so bad...ugghh I hate it. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 1, 2020 Share Posted November 1, 2020 Find someone else to hug? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DebussyChopin Posted November 1, 2020 Author Share Posted November 1, 2020 In the process. Promising date next week. But I had a promising date last week that was basically a catfish. Sigh.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 1, 2020 Share Posted November 1, 2020 Don't string anyone along. You don't want what she wants. Good you are out dating, but don't think of the ex as a backup plan. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2020 Share Posted November 1, 2020 7 hours ago, DebussyChopin said: She's already reached out to me a couple times since and we have been cordial, kept things brief. But right now I have the urge to call her or stop by and say hi and give her a big long affectionate bear hug. No. Do not do this. It's not fair to her. You need to find a different source of affection now that you have chosen to end the relationship. Stopping by, "saying hi", or giving bear hugs will not do anything but confuse her and hurt her when you still don't plan to commit. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 1, 2020 Share Posted November 1, 2020 "big long affectionate bear hug" privileges end when you dump someone.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted November 1, 2020 Share Posted November 1, 2020 Dating, in my opinion, is searching for someone to spend your life with. What category do you place it in? Is it a pastime, hobby, boredom reliever, society expects it, etc.....? What monumental aspect of your personality or experiences is leading you away from commitment? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted November 1, 2020 Share Posted November 1, 2020 Unless you are prepared to offer her a serious commitment, leave her alone so she can find a man who wants that with her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted November 1, 2020 Share Posted November 1, 2020 @DebussyChopin Hey OP, I feel you are in a bit of denial about what a breakup is. I apologize for the bluntness that will follow in my post. 22 hours ago, DebussyChopin said: My ex is my best friend and we had such great times together. The breakup process was agonizing, but we are still on good terms and I don't think that will ever change. She isn't your best friend. She isn't a friend even. Perhaps you both had a friendship before dating, but the purity of that ended when you both caught feelings and began a relationship. From that point on, your friendship became a part of your relationship. Once that integration happens, the two things cannot be separated. Not right now anyway. For you two be genuine friends, will require time and space apart, so that you can rediscover how to live and be happy without one another. This is especially true for her as she was the one who was dumped. Although your relationship contained elements of friendship, it was no longer a friendship and she went from friend to girlfriend to ex. Don't start messing those titles up. They exist for a reason. Quote She's already reached out to me a couple times since and we have been cordial, kept things brief. But right now I have the urge to call her or stop by and say hi and give her a big long affectionate bear hug. She's reaching out to you, because in reality, she was unwilling to breakup with you. It wasn't mutual. She hopes you may change your mind and/or she can change it for you but she likely won't admit it to you. Can't switch feelings off like that OP. Not when you're the one who was broken up with. It takes a lot of time to get there. To burn the hope. To beat the denial and come to grips that the relationship is actually over and that you're not going to be with her. She needs time and space away from the source of her wounds (You) to get there. You are in denial about the seriousness of your breakup and you're going to hurt her real badly. Quote I am extremely fond of her, but I was the one who broke up with her because I could not promise her a long term commitment and I could not continue to waster her time (we dated for a year, both early 30s). You're wasting her time right now by attempting this "friendship" with her. She has hope and you're leading her on. The best thing you can do for her right now is to come to terms with that, and then be straight with her letting her know that, for the both of you to truly get passed this, you have to stop talking and give eachother space. That it's not fair to her. She won't like it. Might even get angry. But she will eventually respect you for it. If you go about things the way you're doing right now, what seems to be cordial right now will devolve into arguments, passive aggressiveness and silence..eventually destroying all possibility of reconnecting as genuine friends in the future. Do her and yourself a favour, be strong, and let this one go. - Beach Link to post Share on other sites
Silver_star Posted November 13, 2020 Share Posted November 13, 2020 .I was the gf in this scenario a year and a half ago. I was deeply in love with him. My ex could not promise me long term commitment, and a job transfer ended up sending him far away which escalated the commitment conversation. We broke up, and it really hurt me deeply. I would have flown to the ends of the earth for him. I spent countless hours crying and feeling not worthy, getting angry, b****ing about it to my friends, and eventually I realized his issues with commitment had nothing to do with me and what I have to offer in a relationship, and more to do with his own attachment issues, and values that did not align with mine. I did not lose someone that had MY best interests at heart, but he did. I really respect the fact that when I walked away from the LOVE that we had, it was the hardest thing I had to do, and he did not make it worse by continuing to be selfish and use me to fulfill his own needs with no intention of making me feel secure in a relationship , or give me any false hope. It let me heal. He may have actually cared for me after all...and him leaving me be is the validation that he wants me to actually be happy. Unless you seriously have re-thought your desire for a long term commitment with her then leave her alone. She doesn't need a bear hug. If you are feeling lonely or you just miss having someone who cared deeply for you, and was down for you all the time...just keep looking online or talk to friends. It's rare to find a real connection. Link to post Share on other sites
Hpchic Posted November 13, 2020 Share Posted November 13, 2020 14 hours ago, Silver_star said: .I was the gf in this scenario a year and a half ago. I was deeply in love with him. My ex could not promise me long term commitment, and a job transfer ended up sending him far away which escalated the commitment conversation. We broke up, and it really hurt me deeply. I would have flown to the ends of the earth for him. I spent countless hours crying and feeling not worthy, getting angry, b****ing about it to my friends, and eventually I realized his issues with commitment had nothing to do with me and what I have to offer in a relationship, and more to do with his own attachment issues, and values that did not align with mine. I did not lose someone that had MY best interests at heart, but he did. I really respect the fact that when I walked away from the LOVE that we had, it was the hardest thing I had to do, and he did not make it worse by continuing to be selfish and use me to fulfill his own needs with no intention of making me feel secure in a relationship , or give me any false hope. It let me heal. He may have actually cared for me after all...and him leaving me be is the validation that he wants me to actually be happy. Unless you seriously have re-thought your desire for a long term commitment with her then leave her alone. She doesn't need a bear hug. If you are feeling lonely or you just miss having someone who cared deeply for you, and was down for you all the time...just keep looking online or talk to friends. It's rare to find a real connection. That’s probably the kindest thing an ex can do for you, leave you alone to heel. Unfortunately people only realize that once they have heeled. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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