Wants me back but won't commit.

[Dogfreak]

My ex-boyfriend and I met a summer that I spent the summer with a family member and she introduced us. I was leaving 2 weeks after, but since we instantly clicked, we decided to try long distance out. He flew to where I was and asked me to be his girlfriend about 4 months into long distance and after that we both kept flying back and forth to be with each other. This went on for 1 1/2 until he broke up with me because long distance wasn’t enough or fulfilling for him. Although we broke up, we still kept talking and communicating almost like we used to, maybe even more because about that time was when quarantine stared. I specifically told him to please stop talking to me if he ever starting dating anyone else, to which he complied. I had already been planning/was accepted in an university where he lived and didn’t have a backup plan, so I decided to go anyways. Long story short, I wound out he in fact had started dating someone 2 months after we broke up. He told me that he didn’t want to loose me and broke up with her. However, we started dating again, it’s been 4 months, are acting exactly like if we were in a real relationship, but he won’t commit/post about us. What should I do? 

[schlumpy]

Are you saying that he did not honor your request to stop contacting you if he was dating others?

If so, you caught him with one. I think you can assume there were others.

When people feel a deep attraction they do everything within their power to be with that person.

I don't see that here.

Flying back and forth for sex doesn't qualify. That's like taking a trip to the outlet mall once a month and having a spending spree.

Now that you two are closer how does he take advantage of it? Does his schedule reflect his burning desire to be with you?

I think he want's to keep you locked in until he's done playing around. You are in plain sight but hidden in his world.

I could be wrong. You certainly know him better then I do but I suggest you keep your eyes and ears open.

If you want solid commitment, this may not be your guy.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Dogfreak said:

 we started dating again, it’s been 4 months, are acting exactly like if we were in a real relationship, but he won’t commit/post about us.

Reevaluate why you want to be tied to someone like this physically or on social media/messaging apps. He was dishonest with you and now you're a secret?. It would be best to free  yourself from him and enjoy dating local guys at your university. It seems like you are much to overinvested and he has a much more casual, open view of this. 

[carhill]

2 hours ago, Dogfreak said:

. What should I do?

Your're apparently young and going to school. IMO date as many young men as possible and gain as much relationship experience as the landscape allows, focusing primarily on school since that will hold you in good stead for your entire life regardless of any man. If one man rises above the fray and you're not fretting about the details, rather it flows, there's your sign.

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, Dogfreak said:

 we started dating again, it’s been 4 months, are acting exactly like if we were in a real relationship, but he won’t commit/post about us. What should I do? 

You had an LDR in high school.  LDRs are hard.   they are almost impossible when you are not autonomous.  Now that the distance has been closed he has been dating you again for 4 months.  If he dumped the other girl & is only seeing you that is a commitment of sorts.  What is it that you want, that you are not getting?  Certain words?  A label? 

Since you mention "posting", again what do you want?  Are you mad because his on line profile doesn't say "in a relationship"?  That declaration can be important but I don't see it as a deal breaker.  You might.  Still you have to talk to him about it & explain how the lack of whatever you want is making you feel.  Explain how easy it would be for him to comply & that it costs him nothing.   If you feel like he's hiding you, & keep you & the relationship off his social media so he can appear single, that is not good.  That should make you reevaluate things. 

Everything comes back to you two have to have some deep conversations.  So start talking.  Maintain your cool.  Don't accuse.  Listen to his point of view.  Hopefully you will find a compromise.  

Good luck 

 

[Dogfreak]

I’m actually in grad school, we both graduated undergrad. I guess I’ve been meeting a lot of men at the university who want to date me. When they ask me if I’m in a relationship it’s kind of hard to answer, “yes? No? I mean, I’m talking to someone, we’re not official, but we are exclusive.”

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You had an LDR in high school.  LDRs are hard.   they are almost impossible when you are not autonomous.  Now that the distance has been closed he has been dating you again for 4 months.  If he dumped the other girl & is only seeing you that is a commitment of sorts.  What is it that you want, that you are not getting?  Certain words?  A label? 

Since you mention "posting", again what do you want?  Are you mad because his on line profile doesn't say "in a relationship"?  That declaration can be important but I don't see it as a deal breaker.  You might.  Still you have to talk to him about it & explain how the lack of whatever you want is making you feel.  Explain how easy it would be for him to comply & that it costs him nothing.   If you feel like he's hiding you, & keep you & the relationship off his social media so he can appear single, that is not good.  That should make you reevaluate things. 

Everything comes back to you two have to have some deep conversations.  So start talking.  Maintain your cool.  Don't accuse.  Listen to his point of view.  Hopefully you will find a compromise.  

Good luck 

 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Dogfreak said:

I’m actually in grad school, we both graduated undergrad. I guess I’ve been meeting a lot of men at the university who want to date me. When they ask me if I’m in a relationship it’s kind of hard to answer, “yes? No? I mean, I’m talking to someone, we’re not official, but we are exclusive.”

That should be part of your conversation.  You have options.  If you want to explore them, then cut him lose.  

[Mystery4me]

Your first mistake was carrying on talking and communicating after breaking up. How are you supposed to move on if you keep in contact? When you break up with someone you end all communication because there is no reason whatsoever to continue (unless they are kids involved).

Your second mistake was actually getting back together. Never get back with an ex. They became an ex for a reason. If it was meant to be, you would have never broke up in the first place.

It's up to you what you do now. Either you end things and finally move on and find someone that appreciates you for you and actually wants to commit to you, or you make mistake number 3 and continue in this waste of time limbo relationship.

[kendahke]

On 11/1/2020 at 8:36 AM, Dogfreak said:

However, we started dating again, it’s been 4 months, are acting exactly like if we were in a real relationship, but he won’t commit/post about us. What should I do? 

Does he have a problem when you do it?  Then do that. He sounds like he's managing the expectations of the chick he supposedly broke up with--which means her feelings have equal weight in his mind to yours, if not more because he's this to protect himself from her wrath.

I'd ask him straight up why he won't commit or post about you two--because it sounds like he's down for the convenience of what you offer, but he doesn't want to acknowledge to his social group that you and he are in a relationship---and that's a problem.

You've got another month til Christmas break---do you really need to attend that university or can you attend another one and get the same caliber of schooling?

[kendahke]

Quote

When they ask me if I’m in a relationship it’s kind of hard to answer, “yes? No? I mean, I’m talking to someone, we’re not official, but we are exclusive.”

Actually, you aren't exclusive.... you're a convenience. Big difference.

I'd answer yes and quit waiting on him to open a can of "act right".  Anytime a guy wants to keep you relationship with him a secret it's because he doesn't want the person he really wants to be with from finding out.

[basil67]

 Ending it with someone who won't agree to a relationship is one of the easier breakups.   Stop having sex and leave communication at a minimum (if at all) and *presto*