Wife left me

[Alvin85]

Hi I’m so glad I found this forum because I have no one to really talk  too

My wife recently left me at the end of September we was together for 15 years married for 12 she told me her reason for leaving was because I can’t keep her happy and I can’t love her the way she wants me too

She has cheated on me three times before and  we separated for 8 months in 2018 after she left me for someone else she just told me the other day that she wasn’t seeing or dealing with anyone else but a close friend of hers told me that she is with someone else and she spends a lot of tome with him so I called her and asked about it so she finally admitted it but she is the one that calls and text me I don’t reach out to her She was just telling me call me the day before telling me she doesn’t have anyone else

Just two weeks ago she was saying she wanted to work things out but now she says she done with this marriage for good but she just came over to my house and broke my window out for no reason she says because I wasn’t answering my phone but why should I if you have someone else 

So asked told her that now that you have someone else can u please stop contacting me she said that’s fine 

 

Now leading up to all this I thought we was having the best time of our relationship in a long time we was taking vacations doing a lot of things together she seemed very happy so I don’t understand why she did this to me

Edited November 1, 2020 by Alvin85

[schlumpy]

Don't look for answers but If you need one, then she did because she could.

Your next move is to see a divorce lawyer.

Then separate your finances.

Get her off your health insurance and life insurance. Leave it to the dog instead.

Paying for her phone? Stop it.

Defund her in any reasonable way possible.

Who owns the the house?

Paying the insurance on her car? Not anymore.

Use the window breaking that she did to get a restraining order against her.

Get back to us when you have made some progress.

You have to protect yourself now.

[Alvin85]

Thanks I really appreciate the reply yes I’m doing everything I could to get away from her and lose all contact with her

[Ruby Slippers]

Document the property damage and advocate in court for her paying the replacement cost. I'm sorry your marriage is ending badly - but in the long run, you're better off without a cheating person prone to violence. A good man is hard to find - so you could someday find love. 

[Alvin85]

19 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Document the property damage and advocate in court for her paying the replacement cost. I'm sorry your marriage is ending badly - but in the long run, you're better off without a cheating person prone to violence. A good man is hard to find - so you could someday find love. 

I just wish the pain in my heart would just go away and I can get back to a normal life

[Ruby Slippers]

Time is the great healer. 

[Alvin85]

I’m 35 and I been in love with this woman for 15 years and seem like it won’t go away I just wanna get over her I know I can do better I’m gonna go nc and hope this help me

[schlumpy]

8 hours ago, Alvin85 said:

I’m 35 and I been in love with this woman for 15 years and seem like it won’t go away I just wanna get over her I know I can do better I’m gonna go nc and hope this help me

Type into your browser "cheating 180." This is a list of things to do that will help you over a period of time, to detach from your feelings. This program is meant to help you regain your confidence and be a better person. It is not aimed at retrieving a broken spouse.

Heartache has no cure except for herd immunity.

[elaine567]

13 hours ago, Alvin85 said:

Now leading up to all this I thought we was having the best time of our relationship in a long time we was taking vacations doing a lot of things together she seemed very happy so I don’t understand why she did this to me

This seems to me to be fairly common. 
The one thinking of leaving makes a big effort to fix things, they become a wonderful partner, they try to recreate a time when things were good, they often say ILY.
But is is all just a strategy to convince themselves that staying is a good option.
Unfortunately they often don't have the feelings to back up the act, so they are forced to admit to themselves that they cannot keep it up.
At that point they realise the only real option is to either stop pretending or to just leave.

[Blind-Sided]

As above... time will heal.  You are in the thick of it right now... and can't see past it.   Get a lawyer, and get things started.  As already said... use the window to get a restraining order on her... and to keep her from legally contacting you.  

Just as a personal note... I couldn't start to heal until my exW moved out, and I had some space to be myself.   It took close to a year from the time I heard "I don't love you" to start to be myself again. 

Good luck with moving forward. 

[Harry Korsnes]

Sorry your going through this trauma.

Schlumpy has made some good points. And i would advice you to work on your self,

Take a tripp somewhere get away for a while. Btw do you have kids?

Best of luck 

 

[mark clemson]

18 hours ago, Alvin85 said:

she just told me the other day that she wasn’t seeing or dealing with anyone else but a close friend of hers told me that she is with someone else and she spends a lot of tome with him so I called her and asked about it so she finally admitted it but she is the one that calls and text me I don’t reach out to her She was just telling me call me the day before telling me she doesn’t have anyone else

Just two weeks ago she was saying she wanted to work things out but now she says she done with this marriage for good

So asked told her that now that you have someone else can u please stop contacting me she said that’s fine

You are "Plan B" and Plan A (the OM) started looking sketchy or isn't enough for her.

If it was me, I don't think I'd take her back IF that starts happening, in love or no. I think it would just be more of the same. I would hope there's someone healthier out there for you, although it may take some trying to find her.

[Alvin85]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

You are "Plan B" and Plan A (the OM) started looking sketchy or isn't enough for her.

If it was me, I don't think I'd take her back IF that starts happening, in love or no. I think it would just be more of the same. I would hope there's someone healthier out there for you, although it may take some trying to find her.

Yeah I been through a lot of hurt with her and I don’t wanna be a backup plan she has left me a few times but I don’t know why she comes back just to leave again 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Alvin85 said:

 I don’t know why she comes back just to leave again 

It sounds like she isn't happy OR you're Plan B and she keeps trying and failing to leave. JMO, but if you're planning to divorce anyhow, well - it seems to me like you've suffered more than enough giving her 2nd chances.

[Harry Korsnes]

Have her served you shoulent be second violin. The Paint she has caused is not formidable. And again do you have kids? 

[Harry Korsnes]

You dont wanna be second best If she's braking Windows to make a point, You dont need her. Work on your self and keep her out of your life.

[Alvin85]

I asked her to stop contacting me and she constantly is my thing is this if she got a new man in her life why are you still contacting me

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, Alvin85 said:

I asked her to stop contacting me and she constantly is my thing is this if she got a new man in her life why are you still contacting me

Why haven't you blocked her if you don't want to be played with or bothered?

[usa1ah]

On 11/1/2020 at 4:04 PM, Alvin85 said:

Hi I’m so glad I found this forum because I have no one to really talk  too

My wife recently left me at the end of September we was together for 15 years married for 12 she told me her reason for leaving was because I can’t keep her happy and I can’t love her the way she wants me too

She has cheated on me three times before and  we separated for 8 months in 2018 after she left me for someone else she just told me the other day that she wasn’t seeing or dealing with anyone else but a close friend of hers told me that she is with someone else and she spends a lot of tome with him so I called her and asked about it so she finally admitted it but she is the one that calls and text me I don’t reach out to her She was just telling me call me the day before telling me she doesn’t have anyone else

Just two weeks ago she was saying she wanted to work things out but now she says she done with this marriage for good but she just came over to my house and broke my window out for no reason she says because I wasn’t answering my phone but why should I if you have someone else 

So asked told her that now that you have someone else can u please stop contacting me she said that’s fine 

 

Now leading up to all this I thought we was having the best time of our relationship in a long time we was taking vacations doing a lot of things together she seemed very happy so I don’t understand why she did this to me

Because she is a serial cheater and you let her get away with it. 
 

 

[usa1ah]

On 11/2/2020 at 2:59 PM, Alvin85 said:

Yeah I been through a lot of hurt with her and I don’t wanna be a backup plan she has left me a few times but I don’t know why she comes back just to leave again 

She comes back because the OM kicks her out and she has to return to you. 
 

You have allowed her to do this repeatedly. This is all on you for letting her get away with it. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me type deal. You should never of allowed her to return the second time. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Alvin85 said:

I asked her to stop contacting me and she constantly is my thing is this if she got a new man in her life why are you still contacting me

It's a divorce, not a breakup. That being the case, "no contact" is something you can do, but then you will have to go through your attorney to communicate about all the division of assets, divorce, etc.

You can't tell someone "don't contact me", you can ignore contact and refer her to your attorney.

[Alvin85]

So this week I get a message from her asking if I want to start over as being friends and date to see where it goes I told her I’m not interested in being friends she got upset saying I’m trying to rush things but I feel like she is trying to use me 

She is already seeing someone else but it’s like she’s trying to keep me around as a friend and I’m not with that should I just go NC with her

 

She is also still lying about seeing someone else when I know the truth but I don’t understand why she just can’t tell me the truth

Edited November 13, 2020 by Alvin85

[Harry Korsnes]

26 minutes ago, Alvin85 said:

So this week I get a message from her asking if I want to start over as being friends and date to see where it goes I told her I’m not interested in being friends she got upset saying I’m trying to rush things but I feel like she is trying to use me 

She is already seeing someone else but it’s like she’s trying to keep me around as a friend and I’m not with that should I just go NC with her

 

She is also still lying about seeing someone else when I know the truth but I don’t understand why she just can’t tell me the truth

She wants as her fallback, DO NOT let her talk you into that. Se a lawyer and find out your options and get your finances in orders.

Go nc. And get som cousoling.

[schlumpy]

Alvin you stated you were trying to get away from her. Not blocking her number will not accomplish that.

Don't date her or be friends. It won't work for you. You have feelings for her and she will only use them against you.

Why does she want this? She wants a fallback in case things go south with her new guy.

Are you OK with that? 

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, Alvin85 said:

So this week I get a message from her asking if I want to start over as being friends and date to see where it goes I told her I’m not interested in being friends she got upset saying I’m trying to rush things but I feel like she is trying to use me 

She is already seeing someone else but it’s like she’s trying to keep me around as a friend and I’m not with that should I just go NC with her

 

She is also still lying about seeing someone else when I know the truth but I don’t understand why she just can’t tell me the truth

She wants to keep you in her back pocket in case she needs something from you (you're her second fiddle.) Tell her from now on if she needs anything to contact your lawyer, then BLOCK her number. You will not be able to move forward from this until you stop having contact with her. Like Maya Angelou says, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. She has shown you more than once who she really is. Don't expect her to change, and don't allow her to manipulate you into being "friends" with her so she can use you whenever she wants!