Anger

[Commongoal123]

For a little less than a year now (8-10 months?) I have had feelings of anger become increasingly more intense.

Anger from stuff in childhood, at my parents for being bad parents (they tried, but are both really messed up individuals), multiple ex girlfriends (the most recent of 1 1/2 yrs ago has really triggered a lot of anger), infuriating co-workers, the company I work for and their policies, myself, "The World", mainstream media/news, politicians, racism, people being unkind to each other, etc.

Some of it stems from mistreatment towards myself and others.  Some of it stems from people lying, putting on an act, not being authentic, manipulation, etc.

I have been going in cyclic circles of impulsively binge drinking as a coping mechanism, which only brings up a lot of anxiety and makes it worse.

Yes I am seeing a therapist in case anyone thinks to recommend it.

It gets to the point where I want to text my ex just to upset her (send her sexual pics I have buried in my phone of her that I haven't looked at since around the breakup, jjst to try and cause her some anxiety), because I never let myself be awful while with her, and then clearly seeing how badly she behaved with me after we broke up.  Yeah I know that's messed up on my part and a means of trying to control how someone else feels.  It's just a feeling and want I have in terms of an action.

She reached out 2-3 months after she broke up with me, tried talking to me at a bar, etc.  In person I ignored her, and the texts and dating website I basically responded with "I don't want to talk to you, it might be worth asking yourself why you keep reaching out to me".  Which was true, I was hurt but I didn't want to talk to her.  She was feeling bad and I wasn't about to boost her ego by giving her anything.

The anger I have towards her is weird because I've had ex's treat me worse than her before she and I dated.  She was just the most recent one.  And previous ex's I went through a few serious depressions after the breakups because I just let myself feel.  Then I processed.  And then I was fine.  But this time....?  Most of what I feel is anger.  And anger in so many areas of my life.  And I'm having a hard time letting go of it; this anger seems to be increasing as time goes on.

Maybe it's because I'm in my 30s now and I'm starting to be real pissed that I'm at where I'm at when it comes to a few things in life.  I don't know.

Edited November 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

Whoa. You seem to need some major support with moods and substance abuse. Get yourself to a doctor and rehab.

If you continue careening recklessly through life like this and as a destructive tornado through other's lives, unfortunately you're on a collision course with disaster.

Whatever help you are getting is clearly not working.

Edited November 2, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Beachead]

@Commongoal123

Hey OP,

I'm very sorry for how you're feeling and believe it or not, a lot of what you're saying here, I can empathize with, because I've felt those things, and I still do.  It's an ongoing process of working through it.

Sometimes people are looking for advice but sometimes, they just need to let it all out and to know that they're understood.  Maybe both.  What are you hoping for with this post?

Let us know, and I will do my best to listen and provide some support. 

- Beach

 

Edited November 2, 2020 by Beachead

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Immerse yourself in some kind of project where you're thinking about others and not yourself.  Volunteer.  Make a difference somehow.  Sounds like you have too much time on your hands to "stew" and are being too self absorbed.  And, of course, continue with therapy.

[major_merrick]

Your anger is coming up now because you've controlled it for so many years. 

Not everybody deals with anger in the same way.  For me, I find that letting it out rather than controlling it is the best way.  When somebody is nasty to me, I dish it right back to them in the moment.  I dislike saving it for later, because then you're not rid of it.  I like the saying, "Don't get mad.  Get even." 

Seems like most of your anger is at your exes.  Either find a way to screw them over, or let it go if you have no recourse.  Because just sitting on it isn't doing you any good.  If you've been in the same area for a long time, you might have quite a few exes within easy reach.  Might be time to move and put some distance between you and them.  I like being far away from most of my exes. 

Accept that the world is a nasty place.  Much anger/negativity/disappointment comes from expecting one thing and getting another instead.  If you expect unkindness from the world and from your employer, you won't be surprised when it shows up.  You'll be prepared, and you'll probably have a contingency plan.  What little kindness you do receive will be pleasant an unexpected.  But if you're expecting fairness, kindness, and good things....you're going to be taken advantage of and disappointed.  In other words - a pessimist has an advantage. 

[Ellener]

59 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

Accept that the world is a nasty place.  Much anger/negativity/disappointment comes from expecting one thing and getting another instead.  If you expect unkindness from the world and from your employer, you won't be surprised when it shows up.  You'll be prepared, and you'll probably have a contingency plan.  What little kindness you do receive will be pleasant an unexpected.  But if you're expecting fairness, kindness, and good things....you're going to be taken advantage of and disappointed.  In other words - a pessimist has an advantage. 

No.

Accept the world is good and decent place. Contribute to a good and decent world. Love all people with your last breath.

 

 

[Commongoal123]

4 hours ago, Beachead said:

@Commongoal123

Hey OP,

I'm very sorry for how you're feeling and believe it or not, a lot of what you're saying here, I can empathize with, because I've felt those things, and I still do.  It's an ongoing process of working through it.

Sometimes people are looking for advice but sometimes, they just need to let it all out and to know that they're understood.  Maybe both.  What are you hoping for with this post?

Let us know, and I will do my best to listen and provide some support. 

- Beach

 

Thanks Beach,

I think I was just in a place and needed to post this and just kind of see how people responded and go from there.  I wanted to put it out there while also hearing some responses to see if anything resonates with me.

[Commongoal123]

9 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Immerse yourself in some kind of project where you're thinking about others and not yourself.  Volunteer.  Make a difference somehow.  Sounds like you have too much time on your hands to "stew" and are being too self absorbed.  And, of course, continue with therapy.

My job revolves around helping other people and making a difference in other people's lives, and is also very much project related, and also involves personal interaction with the people I am helping.  40-60 hrs a week.

Part of this anger derives how complicated the process of doing that is.  If I could simplify it I would, but the policy is the policy.

If anything, I need time away from it so I can get some space from seeing some really messed up stuff in other people's families and homes where I am limited in my ability to do anything about it.  And focus on myself more and how I am actually feeling, instead of how others are feeling.

Edited November 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Makes sense!!

Edited November 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Commongoal123]

7 hours ago, major_merrick said:

Your anger is coming up now because you've controlled it for so many years. 

Not everybody deals with anger in the same way.  For me, I find that letting it out rather than controlling it is the best way.  When somebody is nasty to me, I dish it right back to them in the moment.  I dislike saving it for later, because then you're not rid of it.  I like the saying, "Don't get mad.  Get even." 

Seems like most of your anger is at your exes.  Either find a way to screw them over, or let it go if you have no recourse.  Because just sitting on it isn't doing you any good.  If you've been in the same area for a long time, you might have quite a few exes within easy reach.  Might be time to move and put some distance between you and them.  I like being far away from most of my exes. 

Accept that the world is a nasty place.  Much anger/negativity/disappointment comes from expecting one thing and getting another instead.  If you expect unkindness from the world and from your employer, you won't be surprised when it shows up.  You'll be prepared, and you'll probably have a contingency plan.  What little kindness you do receive will be pleasant an unexpected.  But if you're expecting fairness, kindness, and good things....you're going to be taken advantage of and disappointed.  In other words - a pessimist has an advantage. 

I think you're spot on that my anger is coming up now because I've controlled it for so long.  That is a great point.  I was a reaaaaaallly angry teenager, and was shamed for it.  Later in life I took a Buddhist mindset of simply not hurting others, breathing through anger, etc, but in doing so I also wasn't allowing myself to feel it and was also setting very poor boundaries for myself (if any) when it came to other people behaving badly towards me.

I have lived in the same area well over a decade, and it isn't so much that my exes are within "my reach", but it's more like they're just around to possibly run into.  It happens very rarely, but some like to go to the same public places and it is a stressor often on my mind because I really want nothing to do with them and don't want to see them.  Simply moving would lift this weight off my kind but would add a weight of a different sort (job, friends, etc).

Regarding your last paragraph, I hear what you're saying but that approach doesn't work for me.  The world CAN be a nasty place, but it can also be a beautiful one.  Gotta take the good with the bad, and expect only what I will accept for myself, and to expect what I know to expect from whoever dishes out what, and make decisions accordingly.

Edited November 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Commongoal123]

45 minutes ago, Ellener said:

No.

Accept the world is good and decent place. Contribute to a good and decent world. Love all people with your last breath.

 

 

Hey Ellener,

I try to expect both good and bad things in the world, learn to expect which comes from who (and what) over time/experience, and try to make decisions for myself and set boundaries accordingly.

Thank you for chiming in.  The world needs more positivity like what you said in general.

[carhill]

12 hours ago, Commongoal123 said:

Maybe it's because I'm in my 30s now and I'm starting to be real pissed that I'm at where I'm at when it comes to a few things in life.  I don't know.

Yup, the anger stage, the reckless acting out of youth is over, now a man must be controlled, manage those emotions, don't act out, don't complain, don't let them see you sweat, suck it up dude, be a man. Be attractive, successful, witty, charming. Be Tom Brady.

Good news? You get over it, usually. IME what you're feeling is the road to acceptance. Practically every man on the planet at some point has dealt with this. Each deals with it in his own way. Some ways society accepts, others not. I found letting go of the past and accepting it as the past was helpful. IDK, maybe that's not for everyone. Even at twice your age, flashes still occur. The result of the past work is I know they'll pass and the smile will return. Times have been stressful for many during recent events. It'll work out. You'll make it.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Commongoal123 said:

Hey Ellener,

I try to expect both good and bad things in the world, learn to expect which comes from who (and what) over time/experience, and try to make decisions for myself and set boundaries accordingly.

Thank you for chiming in.  The world needs more positivity like what you said in general.

I've always been a loving kind person overall. But I am running out of options now, one person recommended if I were brave enough I should commit suicide instead of being a burden to society. 

1 hour ago, carhill said:

Times have been stressful for many during recent events. It'll work out. You'll make it.

I am guessing the only people who think that get some kind of government assistance and a regular guaranteed income. Once my savings run out I'll be living homeless in a wheelchair. All because I tried to 'make it' independently. I should have learned exploitation long ago it seems by some recommendations, but I am devoted to my religion so I can't.

All the people writing horrible political things should consider 'there but for the grace of God go I'. 

That said I will never give in to evil or cruelty just because I'm angry. It's still best to keep my soul and integrity intact and not to harm anyone or exploit anyone. 

 

[Commongoal123]

1 hour ago, carhill said:

Yup, the anger stage, the reckless acting out of youth is over, now a man must be controlled, manage those emotions, don't act out, don't complain, don't let them see you sweat, suck it up dude, be a man. Be attractive, successful, witty, charming. Be Tom Brady.

Good news? You get over it, usually. IME what you're feeling is the road to acceptance. Practically every man on the planet at some point has dealt with this. Each deals with it in his own way. Some ways society accepts, others not. I found letting go of the past and accepting it as the past was helpful. IDK, maybe that's not for everyone. Even at twice your age, flashes still occur. The result of the past work is I know they'll pass and the smile will return. Times have been stressful for many during recent events. It'll work out. You'll make it.

Your post made me laugh and also made a lot of sense.  I guessed you were probably older than me by the first paragraph and then by the end of the 2nd i got that confirmed.

Thanks for your input man.

[MsJayne]

You're going through the "realisation stage", reaching understanding of how profoundly your upbringing has affected the way you've approached and reacted to the world. Your folks did a bad job of programming you and then set you free to live an unfulfilling life, complete with a self-destructive streak just so you can maintain the persona they groomed you to be. When you can't vent your anger at the cause, (ie: impotent rage), it leaks out in other areas of your life, little spurts here and there, the occasional explosion when you've percolated for long enough, but the cause of the anger remains blissfully oblivious of your rage - and this just fuels it. I don't know the circumstances of your relationship with your parents, but if you carry secret rage at them you may need to deal with that in a constructive way. If you have one of those therapists who invalidates your anger towards your parents by preaching forgiveness you should discuss that with the therapist and set them straight, (we tend to view therapists as the Expert, the all-seeing font of wisdom, but a lot of them are incompetent or inexperienced and shouldn't be let loose on the general public).  Maybe the reason you're so angry at your most recent GF is that you've turned a corner, your self esteem and self respect are trying to let you know they're moving in and self-loathing has had to vacate a bit of mind space. You need to try and stop with the binge drinking, alcohol is not your friend when you're carting a truckload of repressed anger around, and any mind-altering substance just slows or halts the recovery process because it interferes with processing emotions. Overcoming your own subconscious urges, (especially self destructive ones), is incredibly hard, like doing battle with yourself, but you sound like you're very self aware so I'm sure you can do it. 

Edited November 2, 2020 by MsJayne

[major_merrick]

4 hours ago, Commongoal123 said:

...but in doing so I also wasn't allowing myself to feel it and was also setting very poor boundaries for myself (if any) when it came to other people being s***ty towards me.

That part is why the blanket ideas about controlling anger end up causing you harm.  There have to be boundaries, and those are mostly determined by personal gain.

For example, if your boss treats you like crap, you can't really tell him/her what you think of them, or punch them in the nose.  You have to control that urge, and channel it into something more productive like building a "dirt file" on them to eventually get them fired.  But if somebody random or somebody you don't need anything from decides to treat you like crap?  Let 'em have it...the experience will be cathartic  (as long as it doesn't get you arrested.) 

***Be aware of gender bias.  As a male, you will have much less flexibility with society in how vocal you can be.  You will be extremely limited in your options for dealing with anger with an intimate partner or an ex.  As a female, I can be as nasty as I want, and people are not likely to call the cops.  Either they don't think I'm a threat, or they automatically assume that female = victim. ***  

When it comes to exes, I kind of evaluate it in terms of proximity.  How close to you do they live?  How recent was the breakup?  The closer they are, the more likely you are to need to do something about them in order to have peace of mind.  The farther away they are in proximity/time, the more likely you need to forget about it.  Anger can be like holding a spear with two sharp ends...  If you use it, make sure to stick the target without sticking yourself in the process. 

[Commongoal123]

3 hours ago, major_merrick said:

That part is why the blanket ideas about controlling anger end up causing you harm.  There have to be boundaries, and those are mostly determined by personal gain.

For example, if your boss treats you like crap, you can't really tell him/her what you think of them, or punch them in the nose.  You have to control that urge, and channel it into something more productive like building a "dirt file" on them to eventually get them fired.  But if somebody random or somebody you don't need anything from decides to treat you like crap?  Let 'em have it...the experience will be cathartic  (as long as it doesn't get you arrested.) 

***Be aware of gender bias.  As a male, you will have much less flexibility with society in how vocal you can be.  You will be extremely limited in your options for dealing with anger with an intimate partner or an ex.  As a female, I can be as nasty as I want, and people are not likely to call the cops.  Either they don't think I'm a threat, or they automatically assume that female = victim. ***  

When it comes to exes, I kind of evaluate it in terms of proximity.  How close to you do they live?  How recent was the breakup?  The closer they are, the more likely you are to need to do something about them in order to have peace of mind.  The farther away they are in proximity/time, the more likely you need to forget about it.  Anger can be like holding a spear with two sharp ends...  If you use it, make sure to stick the target without sticking yourself in the process. 

Wow you really brought up some good points with that post... thank you for that.  A lot of what you just said resonated here.

[Beachead]

 

@Commongoal123

Hey Commongoal,

Quote

 

Thanks Beach,

I think I was just in a place and needed to post this and just kind of see how people responded and go from there.  I wanted to put it out there while also hearing some responses to see if anything resonates with me.

 

Well, from reading your responses to others, I can see you have a good grasp of yourself.  You're open for change, indicative of you coming here seeking some help, and open-minded in the way you write.  I bring this up because those are the qualities that are needed to make some changes so you're already halfway there.

Everyone has this tank attached to them, filled with love.  They can fill that tank by investing in themselves (Studying and learning new skills, exploring hobbies, working out, travelling etc.) and they will also fill it by the love they receive from others.  Opposite to this, love can leave the tank when you are willingly giving it to others (Helping them with their problems.  Doing favours.  Forgiving.  Showing compassion, understanding, patience etc.).  It can also empty when others take it away from you.  

Your tank is rapidly emptying.  What's coming in isn't enough to replenish what's leaving.  You are burning out and the symptoms are you being tired, impatient, irritated, depressed, anxious, and more.  This can begin to affect your life in work, school, family, friends etc.  

 I noticed is a contrast in tone between your original post and your subsequent ones (In responding to others).  Seems you do feel angry inside.  You attempt to control it and hold yourself together.  For the purpose of protecting everyone elses feelings, you've neglected your own.   And for some time now as result, what has angered you, has taken a back seat to everything else.  Controlling it would normally be fine, except your tank is emptying. It's time for you to put others aside, and take care of yourself. 

The pertinent issues you mentioned are: Ex-girlfriends, your parents, internalizing the problems of others in your job.  And the problems of the world.

What do you think you can do for yourself that will make you feel better about all of it?   

- Beach

Edited November 3, 2020 by Beachead

[Commongoal123]

15 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Maybe the reason you're so angry at your most recent GF is that you've turned a corner, your self esteem and self respect are trying to let you know they're moving in and self-loathing has had to vacate a bit of mind space. 

Wow-- this right here is a gold nugget.  A few years ago I was really into the "fell your feelings" which in breakup tended to only be sadness/depression.  Other areas of my life I think I was still repressing (might still be).  I think you're right though, and what you said is a great thought/perspective for me to add to my "arsenal" while "doing battle" with myself.

As for the drinking, yes it absolutely needs to stop.  And while related, that is a battle among a battle.  I'm getting there with the booze part... as well all know it's a process.

Regarding my parents, I haven't talked to one for over a year and am very close to doing the same with the other one. They meant well I think... but they are really unhealthy and messed up people...