Open relationship talks

[FW2]

Dear Forum. Made a post here some months ago under a different profile name, back then I learned my wife had created several dating site profiles. Later on found her texting an ex-flame. Confronted her and we discussed it very much she stopped texting and it was clear she had been depressed for a long time. She says she was feeling lonely mainly because she has not been able to work since she had our two kids (the youngest now in kindergarten). She says she is really bored but at the same time she does not have the energy to start a new job, also because she wants to pick up our two kids early from kindergarten and school. She is very qualified and could get a job, however she would need to commute for an hour or so each way. Even if this would only be for a short period of time she finds it too stressful. Moving the family is, according to her, no option. She recieves professional help and also a limited amount of medication.

This is a financial challenge for our family although I have a good income, nevertheless, that is pretty much another story. We have been in marriage councel. and also talked to a psychologist and overall, things are much better now than it was months ago. 

Sex does work also for both of us. It is actually often very good, however she notes that its getting boring (and diplomatically tells me it would be too boring with anybody having been together for so many years) In a way I appreciate her honesty, however it is also tough to hear in a way and I really wanted to change how things are going. Now, I have been the one to try to discuss what we could do to make it all less boring and in our conversation it got back to her wanting to sometimes go on a date, maybe occasionally sleep around with others even though she - seriously - insists that she loves me and that she does not want to break up our family. She says that she thinks she can separate sex from love, and that it would be a good contribution to our life not to be too boring. Must confess that in a way I find the idea of an open relationship thrilling, simply because she has been bored for so long, in a way I miss the time when we were just dating and things were much more exciting. It should be noted that she has mainly adressed an open relationship agenda focusing on me, she says that she would not mind if I slept with someone else if only there were no feelings involved. So in a way she tries to sell it all as a win-win. My approach has been that I appreciate her honesty, even though I find it hard myself to see myself being with someone else. I am not unattractive, but its easier for a married woman to find a date than a married man in my opinion. The idea of opening up the relationship a little bit should only be to make life a bit more exciting she says, and I do actually believe that she means it, however it has really made me confused and frustrated. The sort of sexual security I thought I had at least after we got married is somewhat gone and I keep suspecting her from being on the brink of dating online. Main problem is I still love her (and our whole family) very much and she does claim that she loves me. She says that she will never leave me. But I am afraid that in reality this would be lead to the ruin of our relationship. Personally the idea of trying an open relationship is interesting enough but I do not want to lose her or break up the family, also having searched my mind, I have no strong desire myself to be with somebody else than her, she sort of meets my longings. She says that it is all up to me and she would not do anything unless I also found it would be a good idea, however I do feel a great pressure here mixed up with confused feelings because in a way our relationship could need a spark of something new. But then again, it could also lead to destruction.

Any experiences and reflections would be very much appreciated. 

Thanks. 

[pepperbird2]

18 minutes ago, FW2 said:

Dear Forum. Made a post here some months ago under a different profile name, back then I learned my wife had created several dating site profiles. Later on found her texting an ex-flame. Confronted her and we discussed it very much she stopped texting and it was clear she had been depressed for a long time. She says she was feeling lonely mainly because she has not been able to work since she had our two kids (the youngest now in kindergarten). She says she is really bored but at the same time she does not have the energy to start a new job, also because she wants to pick up our two kids early from kindergarten and school. She is very qualified and could get a job, however she would need to commute for an hour or so each way. Even if this would only be for a short period of time she finds it too stressful. Moving the family is, according to her, no option. She recieves professional help and also a limited amount of medication.

This is a financial challenge for our family although I have a good income, nevertheless, that is pretty much another story. We have been in marriage councel. and also talked to a psychologist and overall, things are much better now than it was months ago. 

Sex does work also for both of us. It is actually often very good, however she notes that its getting boring (and diplomatically tells me it would be too boring with anybody having been together for so many years) In a way I appreciate her honesty, however it is also tough to hear in a way and I really wanted to change how things are going. Now, I have been the one to try to discuss what we could do to make it all less boring and in our conversation it got back to her wanting to sometimes go on a date, maybe occasionally sleep around with others even though she - seriously - insists that she loves me and that she does not want to break up our family. She says that she thinks she can separate sex from love, and that it would be a good contribution to our life not to be too boring. Must confess that in a way I find the idea of an open relationship thrilling, simply because she has been bored for so long, in a way I miss the time when we were just dating and things were much more exciting. It should be noted that she has mainly adressed an open relationship agenda focusing on me, she says that she would not mind if I slept with someone else if only there were no feelings involved. So in a way she tries to sell it all as a win-win. My approach has been that I appreciate her honesty, even though I find it hard myself to see myself being with someone else. I am not unattractive, but its easier for a married woman to find a date than a married man in my opinion. The idea of opening up the relationship a little bit should only be to make life a bit more exciting she says, and I do actually believe that she means it, however it has really made me confused and frustrated. The sort of sexual security I thought I had at least after we got married is somewhat gone and I keep suspecting her from being on the brink of dating online. Main problem is I still love her (and our whole family) very much and she does claim that she loves me. She says that she will never leave me. But I am afraid that in reality this would be lead to the ruin of our relationship. Personally the idea of trying an open relationship is interesting enough but I do not want to lose her or break up the family, also having searched my mind, I have no strong desire myself to be with somebody else than her, she sort of meets my longings. She says that it is all up to me and she would not do anything unless I also found it would be a good idea, however I do feel a great pressure here mixed up with confused feelings because in a way our relationship could need a spark of something new. But then again, it could also lead to destruction.

Any experiences and reflections would be very much appreciated. 

Thanks. 

The only advice I would have would be to exhaust all your other options before you go down that road. Get counselling as well.
I know open marriages can work for some, but many find they're a disaster. Once you do it, you can't unring the bell.

If it's the feeling of dating again that she misses, is there a way you two could do some role playing of sorts, where you you pretend to be strangers?

Edited November 2, 2020 by pepperbird2

[Fletch Lives]

Those open relationships can sometimes be a problem if one person gets jelous. It could wreck the relationship.

Dealing with a person who has a mental issue is hard work. Some won't do it.

Edited November 2, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[major_merrick]

The problem with "open relationships" is that it is much easier for a woman to find other partners.  In other words, if you go down that road she'll be dating and having sex and you'll be stuck at home by yourself or taking care of the kids.  She's trying to sell you the open relationship illusion because she's got somebody (or multiple somebodies) already lined up.  She's just wanting validation for affairs she's already having or planning to have. 

 

[alphamale]

18 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

The problem with "open relationships" is that it is much easier for a woman to find other partners.  In other words, if you go down that road she'll be dating and having sex and you'll be stuck at home by yourself or taking care of the kids.  She's trying to sell you the open relationship illusion because she's got somebody (or multiple somebodies) already lined up.  She's just wanting validation for affairs she's already having or planning to have. 

 

^^^this

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, FW2 said:

She recieves professional help and also a limited amount of medication.

 She says that it is all up to me and she would not do anything unless I also found it would be a good idea, however I do feel a great pressure here mixed up with confused feelings because in a way our relationship could need a spark of something new. But then again, it could also lead to destruction.

Trust your instincts. It's a disaster waiting to happen. The issue isn't dragging others into your bad marriage, it's that she is unhappy and bored with her life. Sex with a bunch of random men is not going to fix that.

Edited November 2, 2020 by Wiseman2

[central]

I agree with all the above posts, and I've been in a successful open relationship for 20 years.  It is also possible to experiment with this, however, and back off from it if it doesn't work - but, there could be lasting damage if there is jealousy or an unequal experience (you can heal from this, if you work at it).

That said, if you DO pursue this, make it a condition that YOU get to do this first, o/w she will certainly find someone and you may never.  And thoroughly discuss how this would work, how often for each of you, maybe taking turns, ground rules and expectations, how to balance it for you both, and what it would take to decide to discontinue this.  How would you each deal with jealousy?  This is NOT an easy thing to do for most people, and is sometimes challenging even for those who make it work well.

[ExpatInItaly]

How will you feel when she gets all gussied up and kisses you goodbye, leaving you at home to put the kids to bed because she's going on a date?

With you waking up at 1am only to realize she still isn't home and you haven't heard from her? Lying awake until the wee hours when she finally stumbles in all flushed and smelling of wine and smiling to herself? Seems distracted and distant the next morning, because she's lost in her memory of the night before? 

If you can't handle the idea of that, don't even think about agreeing to this. 

[schlumpy]

I think that whether you agree to this scheme or not your marriage may be over.

[mark clemson]

From what I understand, open relationships tend to have a lot of "rules" in place to prevent external folks from interfering too much in the core relationship. Even then they apparently entail a lot of risk.

There is a book The Ethical Slut, which you might check out. Also a site xeromag which has significant polyamory and (fair warning) BDSM resources. I can't link to it because the guy sells some books and games and commercial links are banned in posts here, but the polyamory resources appear to be pretty good there. So consider Googling...  Your wife should probably research the polyamory stuff in some detail too if she wants to try this.

I think the general consensus above is likely to be correct - your wife is probably more interested in "permission" to try out your potential replacement(s) than to be genuinely interested in casual for fun. She is very likely to have more rapid success than you in finding either of those things, although IF you go forward with this you could consider joining a sex or swinger's club or sites to see if that helps balance things out.

IF you go forward with this, her actual approach may tell you a lot. Does she focus on protecting the core relationship while trying out others on a superficial "fun" level only and sticking/staying bonded with you. Or does she find (or already have) a "favorite" and start genuinely emotionally bonding with that person? Of course, by the time you figure out it's the latter it may well already be too late. Sex and emotion often go hand-in-hand, and many people (both women and men) make their romantic choices based on emotion. Some people seem to need the security of monkey-branching to a new relationship before leaving one they're unhappy with and she could simply be "arranging" this, possibly even unconsciously.

Edited November 2, 2020 by mark clemson

[notbroken]

Check your phone bill.   Your relationship may already be more open than you think. 

 

[usa1ah]

Open marriage doesn’t work when there are already problems. Even in the strongest marriages an open marriage has destroyed them. 
 

Your wife cheated on you. 
 

She is to tired to get work but is ok to go out and sleep with someone else while you watch the kids. 
 

Your marriage is over. She is bored with you. She is probably already cheating on you. 

Edited November 3, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Blind-Sided]

As above... open relationships do not work for most... because it's human nature to be with one person.  Not to mention... you are going out of your comfort zone to try and not lose someone who you basically have already lost.   AND... she is just using you for a safety net.    She will go out, and screw anyone she wants... you will be stuck at home with the kids.  SO... you will be pulling double duty by working, and being "Mr Mom".  While she gets to basically just hang out all day, and then party at night... with no strings.

Her feelings of loneliness were her own choice.  She wanted to have kids... she wanted to be in a relationship... she wanted to be "Mom" and stay home with the kids.  She got what she asked for... but now misses her younger life when she could party, and love was new and exciting.  I guess this is where I have a problem with IC.  They work with the person to help that person, and not necessarily to help the family. 

Yes, it's going to hurt for a while... but just say no now, because the hurt later will be worse.  She cheated, she wants to continue to cheat... don't help her do that by losing yourself, and destroying yourself.   Besides... eventually the kids will see this situation, and think it's OK to be that way. Is that the way you want to raise your kids? 

I'm sorry for what you are going though... but you know deep inside what needs done. 

Edited November 3, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[Wiseman2]

On 11/2/2020 at 8:21 AM, FW2 said:

 she had been depressed for a long time. She says she was feeling lonely mainly because she has not been able to work since she had our two kids (the youngest now in kindergarten). She says she is really bored but at the same time she does not have the energy to start a new job, also because she wants to pick up our two kids early from kindergarten and school.

It would be foolhardy to follow the  lead of an unhappy bored depressed housewife, rather than fix the real problems.

[princessaurora]

On 11/2/2020 at 7:21 AM, FW2 said:

 does work also for both of us. It is actually often very good, however she notes that its getting boring (and diplomatically tells me it would be too boring with anybody having been together for so many years) In a way I appreciate her honesty, however it is also tough to hear in a way and I really wanted to change how things are going. Now, I have been the one to try to discuss what we could do to make it all less boring and in our conversation it got back to her wanting to sometimes go on a date, maybe occasionally sleep around with others even though she - seriously - insists that she loves me and that she does not want to break up our family. She says that she thinks she can separate sex from love, and that it would be a good contribution to our life not to be too boring. Must confess that in a way I find the idea of an open relationship thrilling, simply because she has been bored for so long, in a way I miss the time when we were just dating and things were much more exciting. It should be noted that she has mainly adressed an open relationship agenda focusing on me, she says that she would not mind if I slept with someone else if only there were no feelings involved. So in a way she tries to sell it all as a win-win. My approach has been that I appreciate her honesty, even though I find it hard myself to see myself being with someone else

You are bending to her will because you don't want to lose her or break up your family. All your reasons for wanting to explore this center around her.  She's bored , she's a stay at home mom, she thinks having sex with others would be a great contribution.  It's all about her. She says she can separate sex from love, but there is no guarantee that's true. Open relationships only work if both parties are having  sex with others and even then they can fail if someone catches feelings. 

It sounds like you're trying to validate her reasons for wanting this by trying to convince yourself it's what you want too, but there's several things you've said that show otherwise. If it's truly a better sex life ya'll are after try some role playing like others have said or just try some new things you've never done before. She wants to go out on dates, hire a babysitter and take her, maybe even overnight to a fancy hotel.  When a mother is bored she generally needs a night out with her husband or a girl's weekend, not to go bang someone else. You go down the OR road knowing deep down you are not on board, you will only grow to resent her when she leaves you home with the kids all the time to get her kicks, and if she starts seeing people and finds one she really likes, you may suddenly find yourself a single dad. If you are absolutely deadset on having sex with others, I highly recommend you use a paid professional. Otherwise, I see either the big D or a miserable marriage in your future, and that's assuming she hasn't already started this open relationship she's trying to manipulate you into, without you. 

 

[Zona]

I once read an article from a shrink/counsellor where he said that the only marriage that is a good candidate for being an open marriage is one that is so good that it doesn't need it, and rather it is icing on an already tasty cake.

You wife has already betrayed you. Betrayal kills trust. An open relationship where there is no trust is doomed to fail.

[vla1120]

First of all, I agree that an open relationship will add just one more layer of complication to an already suffering marriage. I would not advise it. If you DO decide to go down that path (if she hasn't already started experimenting without  you), there are websites where married couples can meet and explore this idea together. I have one friend who told me she and her husband are swingers. (They call it the "lifestyle.") They have been married for 25 years. They have very strict rules about it and even with following all the rules, there have been problems that they had to overcome. One of the problems was that they went to a "party." One of their rules was that they always had to approve of one anothers' "conquests." She was at the party, looked out the window, and saw her husband in a hot tub with two women. The water wasn't the only hot thing bubbling in that tub! She went down and made a scene, accusing him of cheating on her. It took them a couple of years to get over that. They had to step back from the lifestyle for awhile before they could start again. Personally, I think it is a recipe for disaster. I agree with others who have said this is your wife's way of trying to get permission for what she has probably already done, or is planning to do. If you do agree to her request, I would find another couple and lay down some very strict ground rules about it.

[Cookiesandough]

Open relationships are the Darwin Award of relationships. They are entertaining to watch but you do not want to be in the splash zone. 

[BreakOnThrough]

Guess it's the lesser of two evils, she'll either screw around behind your back or in front of you, what a wonderful choice you have encountered.  Best of luck...

[Zona]

Honestly it seems like she is talking about opening up the marriage after the fact. In other words, to justify the cheating that she was already doing. A successful open relationship relies on high levels of trust, which it sounds like you don't have.

As others have mentioned, women can get laid at the drop of a hat while guys have to work for it.

Now if you ultimately decide to go for it, I would set some serious ground rules, like looking for and agreeing on any 3rd party or parties together. Their are lots of websites that can be used to find other couples, or single dudes. Also, no texting or communication of any kind in between "encounters", except of course to get to know them at first, and to set up times and dates. If you allow her to become emotionally attached to other men, you are playing with fire. This has to be sex only.