Why are cheating spouses capable of reform, but OW's are not?

[Starswillshine]

26 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I can understand why you might feel like this and take offence. However if you have read the common themes on this site the story is the same, again and again. These WS are liars, dishonest, self centred and usually narcissistic. I'm not sure that I would be able to forgive and forget just because I have a shared history, life and family. Surely that is the reason why this person shouldn't have betrayed me in the first place, if they could do that to me, with no regard for my feelings they no longer deserve me. You may have your reasons for taking back your WS but if you read the stories on this site these WS continue to contact their affair partner, all behind the back of their unsuspecting spouse, after they return. It happens again and again. I'm just not sure I would ever be able to trust them or anything they say again. 

 

I divorced my xWS because I could never trust him again. Because of all the things he has done. Many OW would take the WS in a heartbeat, but somehow it is the BS who is desperate? And in many cases (not yours understandably), the MM never leaves and only promises. And the OW still clings on. 

Trust me, when DDay comes, no one is happily shoving things under the rug. It is hell... the WS typically has to deal with LOTS of hell. 

[Beca L]

3 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

rust me, when DDay comes, no one is happily shoving things under the rug. It is hell... the WS typically has to deal with LOTS of hell. 

I can only imagine, sorry that you had to go through this. I accept my part in what could have been the break up of a marriage but when WS was chasing me in the beginning I said that i would never be the OW and that unless he separated and divorced I wasn't interested. So he left. But what I didn't realise at the time was that he didn't really leave and face up to the loss of his family he just ran away for a year. When he could no longer cope with be alienated by his ex wife and boys and he realised that a single mum with 3 teenagers wasn't an easy ride he went back. Affairs are heartbreaking for all involved and I'm still coming to terms with it. I see him a lot at school which makes moving on hard,  If he really wanted to make a fresh start and make things easier for all he should have left, but he didn't, that tells you everything about him !!

How do you feel now, does it still haunt you ?  

[Starswillshine]

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

I can only imagine, sorry that you had to go through this. I accept my part in what could have been the break up of a marriage but when WS was chasing me in the beginning I said that i would never be the OW and that unless he separated and divorced I wasn't interested. So he left. But what I didn't realise at the time was that he didn't really leave and face up to the loss of his family he just ran away for a year. When he could no longer cope with be alienated by his ex wife and boys and he realised that a single mum with 3 teenagers wasn't an easy ride he went back. Affairs are heartbreaking for all involved and I'm still coming to terms with it. I see him a lot at school which makes moving on hard,  If he really wanted to make a fresh start and make things easier for all he should have left, but he didn't, that tells you everything about him !!

How do you feel now, does it still haunt you ?  

I think we can all agree these guys are quite manipulative selfish jerks.

I 100% know i made the right decision in leaving my marriage and moving on. I dont even wish that it had never happened. I cannot even imagine being married to him now. So all in all... a blessing. I wish I could say that there was no damage. Unfortunately, I deal with those scars daily. I've moved on, and now my new guy has to deal with them.

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

I think we can all agree these guys are quite manipulative selfish jerks.

I 100% know i made the right decision in leaving my marriage and moving on. I dont even wish that it had never happened. I cannot even imagine being married to him now. So all in all... a blessing. I wish I could say that there was no damage. Unfortunately, I deal with those scars daily. I've moved on, and now my new guy has to deal with them.

Yes I agree. I still struggle accepting that the mm I fell for, loved deeply and had a year long relationship with is the same guy that so easily walked away from me and out of my life just like that. Here one day, gone the next. I am too moving on, not dated yet but with covid its not possible really. I think I will also carry the scars and maybe only when I leave this job will I really be free of my nightmares. 

[Prudence V]

On 11/2/2020 at 7:48 PM, FMW said:Yep, there are some bunny boilers out there!  

On both sides. Years after my H left his xBW she was still stalking us, and subjecting us to petty theft and vandalism. It finally stopped when she found a new BF.

[Prudence V]

On 11/5/2020 at 10:14 PM, Beca L said:

In my personal experience the WS has not changed or reformed at all and personally I don't think they do.

I think it depends on circumstances, and whether the WS is comfortable within those. Where the BS welcomes them back with open arms (also known as “winning”) the WS has little reason to change. If, however, the WS leaves the BS and joins the fAP in a FTR, where the fAP is very different to the xBS and has very different relationship expectations and demands, the fWS can’t simply fall back on comfortable old ways of doing and being, but has to develop healthier ways of relating. That, at least, is true of my own experience. (I imagine the same is true in cases where the BS isn’t a doormat but holds the WS to account and forges new relationship practices as part of a proper reconciliation process.)

 

[Prudence V]

On 11/5/2020 at 10:48 PM, DKT3 said:

The number of Betrayed wives that stay is on the decline and drops significantly with wives who earn enough to be on thier own. 

Upon finding out about the affair,  Betrayed spouses are in a state of panic however,  this idea that they are desperate to keep a cheater in thier life is not true. 

Depends. Financial security isn’t the only factor. Sometimes other factors like fear of being alone are more important. 

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Where the BS welcomes them back with open arms (also known as “winning”) the WS has little reason to change.

This seems to have happened with my xmm, well from what I know anyway. We were together for a year, living together, travelled and spent time with each others families. Yet she took him back and the fact that he did that to her, betrayed he to such an extent and then he was just forgiven, I'm not sure I could have done the same. It is very confusing for me to understand. 

 

3 hours ago, Prudence V said:

the WS leaves the BS and joins the fAP in a FTR, where the fAP is very different to the xBS and has very different relationship expectations and demands, the fWS can’t simply fall back on comfortable old ways of doing and being, but has to develop healthier ways of relating.

 This also happened when he first left BS, I know that he learnt a lot from being in a new relationship with me. I had different expectations and he would often make comments that xBS wouldn't want this or that and I think it was an eye opener for him to see what is a healthy relationship and it's give not just take all the time. However I often wonder if one of the reasons he went back was he wasn't able to sustain a relationship like that, he had life much easier with XBS. Little or no expectations, pretty much do what he likes, when he likes, no kids at home (i have 3 teenagers, he'd been through those years). He's lazy and my life was 'too complicated' so he said. So in my case it didn't happen but I can imagine in other situations where the mm and AP get together the MM does change and reform. 

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Financial security isn’t the only factor. Sometimes other factors like fear of being alone are more important. 

Completely agree. 

[pepperbird2]

3 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Depends. Financial security isn’t the only factor. Sometimes other factors like fear of being alone are more important. 

I don't think there's really any hard and fast rule. It's a function of many factors, ranging from their economic status to their background etc.