tooshytoooften Posted November 2, 2020 Share Posted November 2, 2020 My bf and I are in our 60s and have been together more than a year. While I'm aware he can be somewhat bossy and too harsh with words, he generally is very loving and kind. However, my adult daughter met him once last year and he came off as brash and bossy to the point where she cried. He was picking on our family cat, who has been a source of comfort for me and my kids since my husband (their dad) died 10 years ago. I asked him to apologize at the time and instead he made small talk with her. I decided to still stay in the relationship b/c everyone should have a 2nd chance but the few times my daughter visits, I've kept them apart. I feel at this point if I stay with him, it's important that they he can at least be somewhat civil to her. I should add that during this last year, when I facetime her he is nice on the call and he even sent a generous engagement gift to her. He does mention that I speak to her at least 6 times/day, which isn't true but her and I are close and since we can't see each other often, we facetime. While I only see him on weekends, I don't stay on the phone too long with her so not sure why he makes fun of my calls with her. In any event, my daughter and her fiancé are visiting in a few weeks and to prepare, I mentioned to him yesterday that I think my daughter may be nervous to meet him again since the 1st and only time last year did not go well. His response was: "Well she's crazy". I then said well you guys need to have a decent relationship. Even if he thinks she is (which she isn't, just sensitive), he could have said that he will make sure it goes smoothly, etc. He never took responsibility for his actions last year and I suppose he never will. Is this a relationship killer? Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted November 2, 2020 Share Posted November 2, 2020 16 minutes ago, tooshytoooften said: Is this a relationship killer? Yes. Absolutely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 2, 2020 Share Posted November 2, 2020 On 10/29/2020 at 3:43 PM, howtobefreealready said: My adult daughter tries to control my life and has been doing so since my husband (her father) passed away 9 years ago. I did go through a temporary rough patch after he passed but never lost control of my life except I lost a lot of weight and became dehydrated leaving me in the hospital a few times. She freaked out which I understand b/c I am her sole parent now. Once I started dating a few years after that, she became worse and constantly had to know about my dates. I dated someone on and off for about 6 yrs and she resented him so bad that I had to keep them separated most of the time. She couldn't see what I liked about him. The reality was that he was very good to me but he did have a bit of a troubled past when it came to money but he was recovering slowly from that. In any event, I broke up with him over a year ago and starting see a nice man from out of town. While she was a little better for a while, lately she's started over again. When she asks about my weekend plans and tell her he is visiting, she either makes a face or says why can't you go 1 weekend without seeing him (which I did when she visited 2 months ago b/c I know she didn't want to see him). She also says I should be spending more time with my girlfriends "because when you break up with him you'll have no one". Nice huh?? She also constantly asks what I'm eating even though I gained the weight back a few years ago. I tried a few months ago to tell her that I am a grown women and can take care of myself and she need not worry or get involved in my life by micromanaging it. I don't do that to her. Unfortunately the one time she met my bf, she was turned off by his outspokenness. she felt he was disrespectful (I don't though). She is visiting again soon with her finance for 8 days and I don't want to ban him from my home and he wants to see her and maybe get a 2nd chance with her. How do I proceed? Your daughter is not "controlling". She clearly sees red flags about a bully that you are blind to. You need to end it, you've only been dating a year, and he barks in about her wedding, how much you're "allowed" to talk to her and now he calls your daughter "crazy"? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 2, 2020 Share Posted November 2, 2020 30 minutes ago, tooshytoooften said: Is this a relationship killer? It could be. If he can't be civil with your daughter, you may have to give one of them up. A BF is easy to replace. A daughter is not. Chose wisely. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 2, 2020 Share Posted November 2, 2020 It doesn't sound good that he never properly apologized for the steamrolling behavior last year. These insensitive people don't tend to become more sensitive. I've only dated one man with (grown) kids, and I went out of my way to be kind and gracious toward them. Any strife with your bf/gf's family is trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 2, 2020 Share Posted November 2, 2020 3 hours ago, tooshytoooften said: I mentioned to him yesterday that I think my daughter may be nervous to meet him again since the 1st and only time last year did not go well. Has your daughter said she's nervous or uncomfortable? Or are you guessing? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 Sounds like he feels threatened by your relationship with your daughter (and even your cat), which usually is a sign that he has some self esteem issues that he'll take out on you. Only you know if you're ok with this treatment. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 How to get free from my over controlling and paranoid adult daughter? By howtobefreealready Is this your thread also OP? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 It sounds like he's a control freak. Forget the daughter - he might not be right for you. But if you want to make this work, maybe you can keep them separated. Do you live together? See the daughter alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 Don't through your daughter under the bus for some control freak you've been dating for "about a year" who bullies you and insults your family and causes strife and family riffs. Find a decent man, forget his money, it's not worth tossing your kids aside for. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted November 6, 2020 Share Posted November 6, 2020 On 11/2/2020 at 3:03 PM, tooshytoooften said: My bf and I are in our 60s and have been together more than a year. While I'm aware he can be somewhat bossy and too harsh with words, he generally is very loving and kind. However, my adult daughter met him once last year and he came off as brash and bossy to the point where she cried. He was picking on our family cat, who has been a source of comfort for me and my kids since my husband (their dad) died 10 years ago. ..... His response was: "Well she's crazy". I then said well you guys need to have a decent relationship. Even if he thinks she is (which she isn't, just sensitive), he could have said that he will make sure it goes smoothly, etc. He never took responsibility for his actions last year and I suppose he never will. Is this a relationship killer? Could well be. A couple red flags there and two strikes in my book. I am not certain what you mean by picking on your cat, but people who are mean or cruel to pets cause me major concern...to me it signals a cruel and sadistic streak, one they may well turn on people if they ever felt they could get away with it. He is 60 for goodness sake, don't know if he has kids of his own, but to dismiss you daughter like that (especially when she is not crazy) is a major red flag....so if you disrespect or demean my kids to avoid responsibility for your rude behavior...it is a big strike against you and you are gone if it gets repeated. How does he behave when he doesn't get what he wants? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 6, 2020 Share Posted November 6, 2020 33 minutes ago, SumGuy said: I am not certain what you mean by picking on your cat, but people who are mean or cruel to pets cause me major concern...to me it signals a cruel and sadistic streak, one they may well turn on people if they ever felt they could get away with it. Yes.OP i guess he is doing what many controlling men do and that is to isolate you. He doesn't like the cat and he doesn't like your daughter as both are close to you and both have links to your late husband, he won't like that. He thus picks on the cat and mocks your calls to your daughter and calls her crazy, he is trying to split you up. You may even find your cat "gets lost" one day... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 6, 2020 Share Posted November 6, 2020 Yes you should. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted November 7, 2020 Share Posted November 7, 2020 22 hours ago, elaine567 said: ....OP i guess he is doing what many controlling men do and that is to isolate you. He doesn't like the cat and he doesn't like your daughter as both are close to you and both have links to your late husband, he won't like that. He thus picks on the cat and mocks your calls to your daughter and calls her crazy, he is trying to split you up. You may even find your cat "gets lost" one day... OMG forgot about that, yes that is very much a possibility. Very much in line with charming men (and women) with narcissistic or borderline personality disorders, along with gas lighting. And by the terms narcissistic and gas lighting I mean the actual psychological definitions not the more common definitions (especially internet). Link to post Share on other sites
Datergirl Posted November 8, 2020 Share Posted November 8, 2020 How was he picking on your cat? What was he doing? Picking on a defenseless animal is not ok. He doesn't sound like a nice guy. Link to post Share on other sites
gamon Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 You're unsure if you should put the needs of yourself and a guy you've known 1 year over your daughter? A guy who is physically abusive to your cat and verbally abusive to your daughter? If you don't already know the answer to this question without asking a bunch of internet strangers you've got to do some serious introspection. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 9 hours ago, gamon said: You're unsure if you should put the needs of yourself and a guy you've known 1 year over your daughter? A guy who is physically abusive to your cat and verbally abusive to your daughter? Where did you get “physically abused” the cat from? I only saw that he picked on it. “picked on” translates to quite mild bullying. Such as saying it smells or is ugly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tooshytoooften Posted November 10, 2020 Author Share Posted November 10, 2020 so here's the rest of the background: My daughter was having some medical issues last year at this time but my bf still invited himself and his kids to my home for Thanksgiving; I had to stop that conversation and say it depended on how my daughter was feeling. When my daughter heard that my bf and his family had no where else to go, she felt bad and said they should come but she may have to excuse herself to lie down from time to time. So they all showed up. While his family was really nice and got along with my daughter and my guests, my bf was on my daughter's case. Instead of being grateful, he criticized the cat (saying he was not a nice cat and had health issues and must go to the basement b/c his family was allergic) - then after that, my daughter went to her room and cried. She came back down and my bf was controlling the cooking, etc. and he was bossing me around a bit since he was in charge of cooking so that upset my daughter. Then when she asked him if he was ever in Chicago, he said he'd never go there and had no desire to . She said it was a nice city and he said it's not for him. By then, my daughter had it with him and pulled me aside to tell me so. She even said my son and her fiancé felt the same way about my bf. Later that night that's when I told him he needed to apologize or leave and he said he'd talk to her but of course, no apology ever really happened. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted November 10, 2020 Share Posted November 10, 2020 17 minutes ago, tooshytoooften said: so here's the rest of the background: My daughter was having some medical issues last year at this time but my bf still invited himself and his kids to my home for Thanksgiving; I had to stop that conversation and say it depended on how my daughter was feeling. When my daughter heard that my bf and his family had no where else to go, she felt bad and said they should come but she may have to excuse herself to lie down from time to time. So they all showed up. While his family was really nice and got along with my daughter and my guests, my bf was on my daughter's case. Instead of being grateful, he criticized the cat (saying he was not a nice cat and had health issues and must go to the basement b/c his family was allergic) - then after that, my daughter went to her room and cried. She came back down and my bf was controlling the cooking, etc. and he was bossing me around a bit since he was in charge of cooking so that upset my daughter. Then when she asked him if he was ever in Chicago, he said he'd never go there and had no desire to . She said it was a nice city and he said it's not for him. By then, my daughter had it with him and pulled me aside to tell me so. She even said my son and her fiancé felt the same way about my bf. Later that night that's when I told him he needed to apologize or leave and he said he'd talk to her but of course, no apology ever really happened. I hate to say it but he sounds like a d**che bag. Like seriously going out if his way to be controlling, domineering and just plain rude. Manners make'eth the man, and at 60 he should know that. Also, this is his "good" and "thankful" behavior for a family holiday and how he is appreciative for you having his family over despite your daughters illness? If that is the "nice" him when he gets what he wants I hate to see how he acts when he doesn't get what he wants. On the cat, sending the cat to the basement doesn't do much as all the allergens are already about the house, also if they are so allergic why did they come over? They requested to come over after all. Not a nice cat? Maybe not nice to him, and no sympathy for an ill pet? That's just heatless. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted November 15, 2020 Share Posted November 15, 2020 All i see is bunch of complains aboit him. As new "man" you cant go wild like this for sure. And you allow it.Thats why it happens. Dont know you guys,but he need to work on his way of speaking to people .Calling your kid crazy is also rude. Link to post Share on other sites
howtobefreealready Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 Post script for any input please. As it turns out my bf got covid a day before my daughter was visiting so there was no conflict in terms of them seeing each other or not. However my real nightmare began. My sister and brother in law also got covid and my brother in law is still in the hospital. During this time my daughter and finance were staying with me and my 17 year old cat went into heart failure. Turns out he has heart disease and maybe lung cancer. We were and are so distraught but keeping him comfortable on heart meds but our hearts are broken knowing he’s on borrowed time. Even though I haven’t seen my bf in 3 weeks he is now recovered and wants to see me BUT I DONT REALLY WANT to even though I still care for him I almost can’t put up with any more of his controlling ways including telling me I need to work out, how to eat, etc. he even put his hand almost in my plate when we were out to dinner a while ago telling me to stop playing with my food and just eat it. My son saw this and asked me if it bothers me. Yes but I didn’t say anything. What do I do ? Tell him I need more time to recover from all of these bad events in the health of my cat and family. I don’t have the energy really even though I don’t want to be alone.me "developments" I'd like to share for input. Last night after talking to me and seeing how upset I am with the cat's health, he finally texted me and said he was sorry he could not help me with the cat. At least that's some shred of understanding but not enough in my book. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 2 hours ago, howtobefreealready said: ... I almost can’t put up with any more of his controlling ways including telling me I need to work out, how to eat, etc. he even put his hand almost in my plate when we were out to dinner a while ago telling me to stop playing with my food and just eat it. ... If I recall correctly you are like 50+, to me this is very demeaning behavior and treating you like a child, in public even. For me that is a big strike, and you conveyed several others. I'd take the current situation as a good chance to break it off if it was me. Would allow me to say have been thinking about us and don't see us developing long term, too many disconnects and differences, just not for each other. If he asks like what (and you feel safe answering) you can say you know many of them...if he says they are no big deal....you can say exactly, they are to me and not to you, just a major disconnect...then you can bring up the telling you how to live...and when he waffles or back peddles on that bring up the food incident. If he says well you did not say anything at the time, you can say you were flabbergasted...it is such a disconnect between the two of you that he even for a moment thought that was OK behavior. Just too much, wish him luck to find someone he is more in tune with. I predict he will blame you (maybe after trying to tell you how wrong you are), call you the one with problems, how you are not going to find anyone to put up with you or as good as him, yadda, yadda...the typical mantra of the controller. Thing is, people who want to control you are a dime a dozen...they are easy to find. Or you may get lucky and he just insults you and says good riddance. This is me though, I don't put up with being treated like the ways you describe for simply companionship and even good sex. Although not certain I could feel much more than shallow companionship for someone who has a penchant to judge me and tell me what to do and denigrate my kids and pets. I'm too old, (50+) to put up with such behavior from my partner when they should very much know better...so they are either oblivious to others feelings (bad sign) or don't care because they are "right", "just being honest" (even worse). Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted December 2, 2020 Share Posted December 2, 2020 I'm confused- is the post 2 above mine written by the same person who started this thread? Link to post Share on other sites
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