Should I just ghost

[vwisme]

Long long post. 

So my most recent ex had been reaching out numerous times trying to connect. I did not block her as I have not felt like getting back together and it she wasn't reaching out enough to be cumbersome. Well top of last week she texted me asking to talk. I was free for a couple of hours so no problem. I stopped by and she apologized for everything and anything. How she treated me, ignored my needs, was nasty during the break up and everything. There were water works and I didn't realize how angry and hurt I was until then. She stated that she needed to focus on herself and get healing. We agreed to be cordial moving forward, be there for each other, and forgive each other.

Long story short, we ended up hooking up the next day. She wanted to be friends with benefits and I honestly was fine with it as we both agreed we could see other people but if one of us starts sleeping with someone else, to end the fwb out of respect. Normally I would be highly against this but I felt over the relationship and was not interested in getting back together. Well we hook up a couple of times and even add some sex ties as we're experimenting (I bought the stuff and kept it at her place as I was in the process of moving into a new place). After our last hook up (friday) she informs me she's going on a date but she's nervous. I encouraged her to go and give it a chance. She may ending up having a lot of fun. She also asks if she can be on my gym membership (I go to an upper scale one and knows she's focusing on her health) and she'll pay her portion. I said okay that's fine and had her added.

Well Friday night comes along and she facetimes me to show me her outfit, which I say looks great and enjoy her date. I have a party that night and go out and enjoy myself as I recently met a really great and large circle of friends. So we're partying that night and she texts me late asking "how are you" and while I was pretty drunk, I said hi and that I am doing great. Then she facetimed me twice an hour or so later but I missed it and didn't notice until 2am where I called her back to make sure she was okay (no reply on her end though).

The next morning she facetimed me and asked me how I was and I said I'm great. She said she was worried because I replied to her text asking how i was (the night before) with "abso flipping lutely lol". She proceeded to tell me that her date was just okay. I let her know she should go out again and give the date another chance. She then started asking how my night was and I let her know it was good and that I was a bit embarrassed as a previous date and I were snapchatting all night and expressed feelings for each other. This is where I feel things started taking a trip down "this is going to get bad" street. (I know, as if the fwb with an ex part was not an indicator)

She started asking how I knew the date and I said it was a friend from back home and we went on a random date and connected. She asked me if it was serious and I said not exactly but she is coming to my friend's annual Friendsgiving. She said "oh that sounds cool". I let her know I have to finish moving but hope she feels better. She said she was still tired and was going back to bed and hung up pretty abruptly. I called her back to see what was going on but she said she was tired. I text her to get some rest and feel better. She then accuses me of cheating. I deny it. She says flirting is cheating. I double down and let her know, I never did. And she doesn't reply. 

Well my friend's and I go out to celebrate Halloween and after an hour of drinking, I realize I don't have my phone so I find it and find I missed two calls from my ex. I text her to let her know that I am out with people and ask if everything is okay. Verbatim she sends: "Whatever" "Bye" "Have a great time" then "I had a flat and figured it out." I let her know I'm glad she's safe and okay. Thank her and hope she has a good night. 

She then tells me that she believes I cheated and it hurts that I'd invite someone to friendsgiving while it took her awhile to meet my friends. I let her know while I can understand why she may see it that way, the accusations are getting old and it's starting to feel like she doesn't want me to be happy and why can't we just be happy and enjoy life and celebrate our journeys. Why can't we be happy that she let me go so I can be with someone who loves me fully and be happy that she can now find someone she's fully in love with. 

Yeah, I was pretty drunk at that point and let her know that I was pretty drunk so maybe we should talk another time. 

She exploded with a few texts saying she never said she wasn't happy for me and that I was throwing low blows and she was done with the conversation before she said something mean. I texted her happy halloween and enjoy her night. 

The next day (when I'm fully sober and thought through it all) I left her a voice memo setting boundaries that the accusations need to stop if we're to remain cordial. It's old and I'm not with the character attacks. I appreciate the sensitivity of the issue but we're over with so let's move forward. No reply until this morning where she apologized and said she just had a moment since it's not easy being friends all of the time but she loves me and we are on good terms. It was a really kind message in all fairness.

I message her back saying thank you and I appreciate it. Seeing as I was moving all of my stuff Into my new place, I also asked her to box up the sex ties and sex box (the stuff wasn't cheap to be fair) that I left at her house as I want it at my house now. She proceeded to call me spiteful and that I was just using her to fill my sexual void until I found someone else. I let her know that isn't the case. I just live in a nicely sized bachelor pad now and I want the stuff I bought at my place as I'm making everything homey and mine. She said that she needs her space for awhile or if we are to be friends that we need hard boundaries. I told her to do what's best for her and healthiest for her. That I am okay and just focusing on me. She replied saying I just say things without thinking how it would affect people. I let her know that's not true and she's creating a mountain out of a mole hill. All I said is if she could please box up the sex box so I can pick it up. 

To try and shorten this already long post, she lets me know she doesn't want to have sex anymore (which I'm okay with since her outbursts over the weekend) and that she'll have it for me later that week. I thank her and things kind of cool down from there. I let her know I care about her and truly just want us to be cool and she was not just a sexual object for me. We agree to let her to stay on my gym membership. She was addicted to weed (and was really drinking) and she let me know that she is going sober for awhile. I congratulate her and she replies that the person she is seeing doesn't do any of that so she's a good influence for her. I tell her that's great and am glad she's taking that step as I was really worried while we were together that she was never sober. She asks about my dating life and I tell her it's going well and she asks about "friendsgiving" girl. She says she's happy for me and I tell her "thank you. For what it's worth, I've become better from our relationship. That it's ironic, I started therapy, gym, and being social in hopes that becoming better would help us work out but now everything in my life is looking up and we are not together and it's ironic." She says she understands and we've both been radio silence with each other since then.

 

After typing this out, I realize she has deeper feelings than she's letting on and there's a lot more going on than what's being said. My close cirlce is saying that she is just upset I no longer pine for her and that she is manipulating/gaslighting a lot. Maybe I need to accept that no matter what I do, this isn't healthy. I thought once the air was cleared and we set fwb that we would be cool and on good terms. Especially since she's telling me she's happy, going on dates with people, and better than she's ever been. Why is she acting this way and constantly having outbursts? It's one thign to feel some type of way but it's like she can't control herself.

She says she can have the box later this week and I asked she leaves it on the porch but she's done the whole "come in let's talk as I give you back your stuff" numerous times. I don't want to deal with that and am even thinking about just ditching it all and going ghost. Idk. I still care for her but this is all messing with my head. I was really good until the accusations of cheating. Not sure what to do

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 2, 2020 by vwisme

[kendahke]

You cannot be friends with someone who still has feelings for you. You just can't. 

She is blurring the lines She cannot do FWB--that was her back-door way of becoming your girlfriend again because she knew she couldn't come straight at you with it. It's a manipulation tactic.

Your best bet is to not ghost her but to tell her that this ends today, have a nice life and put her on block.  As long as you leave the door open, the alley cats will come in and spray down your furniture and walls. Emotionally, she can't handle the thought of you getting on with your life, happily, without her, so she wants you as miserable as she is.  That's her heavy lift to deal with, not yours.

Right is on your side with this, so there is no need to scamper away by ghosting.  Be direct and don't take any of her manipulative mess.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, vwisme said:

She says she can have the box later this week and I asked she leaves it on the porch but she's done the whole "come in let's talk as I give you back your stuff" numerous times. I don't want to deal with that and am even thinking about just ditching it all and going ghost. Idk. I still care for her but this is all messing with my head. I was really good until the accusations of cheating. Not sure what to do

May be the best nonconfrontational approach. It should have ended for good long ago. The FWB thing never works. Sever all your ties so you can be free and move on.

[vwisme]

22 minutes ago, kendahke said:

You cannot be friends with someone who still has feelings for you. You just can't. 

She is blurring the lines She cannot do FWB--that was her back-door way of becoming your girlfriend again because she knew she couldn't come straight at you with it. It's a manipulation tactic.

Your best bet is to not ghost her but to tell her that this ends today, have a nice life and put her on block.  As long as you leave the door open, the alley cats will come in and spray down your furniture and walls. Emotionally, she can't handle the thought of you getting on with your life, happily, without her, so she wants you as miserable as she is.  That's her heavy lift to deal with, not yours.

Right is on your side with this, so there is no need to scamper away by ghosting.  Be direct and don't take any of her manipulative mess.

Thank you for this advice. I was very naive in believing we could just be friends. I figured we could and any feelings would just be ignored as we both moved on to other people This is another live and learn lesson. Thank you for your advice. I'll be direct and refuse to be swayed by manipulation

[vwisme]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

May be the best nonconfrontational approach. It should have ended for good long ago. The FWB thing never works. Sever all your ties so you can be free and move on.

Yeah...I was just sure (naively) we would both be mature and seeing as she was the dumper, she would have had a long head start on moving on so it would be just sex for he most part.

[ExpatInItaly]

You both need to exercise more mature decision-making skills and drop the idea that you can be friends, let alone FWBs. That was an ill-advised move. 

Bu she isn't the only one with an unhealthy attachment; you are part of this as well. It's time for you both to let go of each other and stop contact. Tell her directly that it's not working and this ends here, and then block. 

[Miss Spider]

 Clearly, you guys can’t be cordial with each other. Both of you should go your separate ways and move on.

You don’t have to go ghost. You  can just send her a message that says that and then block her/ghost. Forget your stuff. You don’t need your sex ties to make your place more “homey”. It’s not worth the hassle of what she might pull or what you might do there. Just let it all go 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, vwisme said:

Yeah...I was just sure (naively) we would both be mature and seeing as she was the dumper, she would have had a long head start on moving on so it would be just sex for he most part.

Just arrange to get your stuff, without drama/pettiness and be done with it.

Then delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.

Lesson learned. Skip the easy sex with the ex routine next time. And skip the drunk texting.

BTW, courious why you want used sex toys back. Do you plan to use them on someone in the future or do you just want them back out of spite?

Edited November 3, 2020 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

Go get your stuff.  Let her say whatever she wants to say for 5 minutes.  Then leave.  There is no further reason to be in contact with her.  If you do see her when you are out & about be polite but aloof.  Problem solved.  

[vwisme]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

BTW, courious why you want used sex toys back. Do you plan to use them on someone in the future or do you just want them back out of spite?

Fwiw, my previous living situation was with a roommate who had more "traditional" views so she didn't want SOs sleeping over. Now that I have my own place, I want to do stuff here. Not just at my exes or someone else. We were on good terms when I asked for the stuff back. 

[vwisme]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You both need to exercise more mature decision-making skills and drop the idea that you can be friends, let alone FWBs. That was an ill-advised move. 

Bu she isn't the only one with an unhealthy attachment; you are part of this as well. It's time for you both to let go of each other and stop contact. Tell her directly that it's not working and this ends here, and then block. 

Hit the nail on the head on this one. I am playing a part in allowing this and letting it go on. It's time to end this as it's draining on both ends.

[mark clemson]

Moving on and asking for your stuff isn't spiteful, but it's being perceived as that. While you can lower them in your hierarchy of friends, you can't cheat on a FWB. Clearly it's something more in her mind or she wishes it was. Ending this is probably something of a mercy-killing.

You can have "friends" who you never actually contact but move on with your life and find new ones instead. Eventually they branch out and move on too instead of trying to keep clinging to nothing. You gave being open and direct an honest shot and it clearly isn't working.

No need to ghost IMO, just say "sure we're friends" and never contact her. Be clear that's there no relationship (as if you haven't already). If/when she contacts you, she's last priority to anything you have to do, even if it's laundry. Don't respond quickly to IM's or simply say that you're busy and then later that you forgot.

She is reeling you back in right now, only to bash you for not being what she actually wants. Once she finds someone new, she'll be out of your life.

Edited November 3, 2020 by mark clemson

[vwisme]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Clearly it's something more in her mind or she wishes it was. Ending this is probably something of a mercy-killing.

She is reeling you back in right now, only to bash you for not being what she actually wants. Once she finds someone new, she'll be out of your life.

I think that's the confusing part right now. She's doing all of the things I asked her to do in the relationship (being sober, working out) and seeing someone new who she says is good for her and better. So I don't know why all of this.

But mercy killing is the best. She contact me today and let me know that I can pick up my things tonight and she'll leave it on her porch. So it seems that things are going to end on a peaceful and cordial note. 

[vwisme]

Update:

Wanted to say thank you so much for everyone's advice. It did not end cordially but I have my things back and have no reason to continue the toxicity. Thank you guys fro all of your wisdom and life is a lot more peaceful. Time to focus on myself and find someone better suited.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Good you got your stuff and can sever all ties from this now 

[vwisme]

 

 

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Good you got your stuff and can sever all ties from this now 

Yeah...I've just been frustrated with how I handled the situation.

Somehow an argument ensued and she blew up over how I’ve been treating her since the break up (like I’m better than her and conceited). I’m more upset at myself for falling into the obvious bait and then being called the one that has an issue. Then being told she still has feelings for me and still wants to be close despite us seeing other people and work through our issues (and be best friends).

I’m glad I have my stuff but I’m just disappointed I let that ruin a great night after a wonderful date with a wonderful woman.

[kendahke]

So glad she's in your rear view mirror...

for future reference, should this same character appear in a different body:

Quote

Somehow an argument ensued and she blew up over how I’ve been treating her since the break up (like I’m better than her and conceited).

That's her not getting her way with you... she's angry with herself because her manipulation tactics didn't work.

Quote

Then being told she still has feelings for me and still wants to be close despite us seeing other people and work through our issues (and be best friends)

Going by the vast majority of posts on this site, the chances of you and she being best friends while you're dating a new woman is slim to none if you want the relationship with the new woman to work out.

Here's what will happen: you will be a party with your new lady and this chick will get hyper-jealous, drink way too much, come over and hang all over you, try to sit in your lap, talk to you in a way that shuts your lady out of the conversation and do whatever she could do to insult your girlfriend or hurt her feelings/make her doubt your loyalty to her.  She doesn't want to be your best friend: she wants her possession and she will not be nice about you having moved on from her.

Best thing in life to do is to keep her out of your life. No friends, no nothing and never ever let her walk away thinking that you two have anything but a past that you kicked down that hole in the movie "300".

[vwisme]

18 hours ago, kendahke said:

 

That's her not getting her way with you... she's angry with herself because her manipulation tactics didn't work.

she wants her possession and she will not be nice about you having moved on from her.

Hope you guys don't mind the venting and processing in this post

I'm starting to feel like that a lot more now. As I look back, she's gotten upset at standards she's set. Example --> we both go out to dates and she asks about my date and then gets upset when I "share too much about the person I'm seeing". Like what they do or their name. Then why would you ask? It's been walking on eggshells when I make even the slightest joke and stonewalling when she gets upset and only wants to talk through things when I decide to walk away. 

There have been numerous points where I've told her it doesn't seem like she wants me to be happy and that part saddens me. Here is someone I truly do care for who said she doesn't want us and while it sucked, I understood. But here I am dating and happy and she keeps drudging up how it's not easy for her. That's not my responsibility and I cannot help her work through that. She's dating now so I imagine this should finally be the nail in the coffin but it is weird wondering if someone actually cares about you or just sees you more as a possession.

I've also noticed she'll get really upset and emotional then the next day she'll act like nothing happened. I've been reading more into narcissism and codependency and I see a lot of that in this past relationship and feel lucky to work through those as I move forward. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, vwisme said:

we both go out to dates and she asks about my date and then gets upset when I "share too much about the person I'm seeing".

I've been reading more into narcissism and codependency and I see a lot of that in this past relationship and feel lucky to work through those as I move forward. 

Unfortunately, you need to stop sharing dating stories and simply block and delete her. Dragging the breakup out does not imply any sort of diagnosis because you are participating in this unfortunately, and inappropriate post-breakup dating story thing.

[vwisme]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, you need to stop sharing dating stories and simply block and delete her. Dragging the breakup out does not imply any sort of diagnosis because you are participating in this unfortunately, and inappropriate post-breakup dating story thing.

Correct here. All of that has stopped. 

[elaine567]

Next time, no matter whether you are the dumper or the dumpee, walk away and do not look back.
Forget about being "friends"
Do not get involved in break up post mortems or trying to diagnose your ex... 
Bottom line it didn't work, so forget it. Water under the bridge. 
It is your job to find happiness elsewhere and you won't be doing that, if you keep your ex around in your life.
Exes are often detrimental to your new life. They are trouble with a capital T in all sorts of ways, so best get rid as soon as possible.

[mark clemson]

Certainly THIS Ex is...