Employment lies

[Kelly Polly 1983]

Hi, 

So I had a mutual break up with my then boyfriend of only a couple of months in September. We are both in our mid-late 30s, had met on a dating website, and hit it off immediately, we were official very quickly. During our first conversations, he mentioned that he had worked at this engineering office but had recently quit because he was unhappy and too stressed out. I responded that it was no big deal but quitting a job during a time of uncertainty (covid, election) was a bold move. He seemed to be insecure about his job status after I made that comment, which I did not think was judgmental at the time. He claimed that he had saved up a lot of money and had alot money from his grandfather.  A few weeks later, he said that he went back to ask for his job back and got it. He then said that was traveling to San Fransisco for a business meeting (we live in Portland). We spoke everyday/ face-timed and everything seemed okay.

However, eventually, the things that he was saying did not add up for me. Once while facetiming, said he was at the client's building/office for a meeting when in the background I could tell that it was a hotel room. I did not bring it up to him. Other little things added up to the fact that maybe his business trip was a lie, he was in SF but he did not have a job. (I know for a FACT that he was not in another relationship/cheating as one of his biggest no-nos is cheating/infidelity, we also talked all the time, always picked up my phone calls and answered my texts immediately).

Coincidentally, a friend had mentioned to me that she was looking for an engineering firm for her company and that in 2-3 weeks she would reach out to my BF/his office with information. I told my BF that and he did not think much of it, just said, yes/ sure. 2 days later, he tells me that he quit his job again as he wasn't happy and that he had to extend his trip just for a little to finish up the client relations portion of the trip. I was suspicious but did not want to interrogate him because I didn't want to come off as judgmental for not having a job. But, I do think that he also was maybe suspect that I was catching on. 

A week/2 weeks later, he tells me that he found a job that he really liked, interviewed with them and accepted their offer but that it is in Palo Alto. Us living in Portland, I realized that this relationship was probably going to end since our relationship seemed to have fizzled out and with COVID happening, traveling often wouldn't be the smartest option. Also, I am a doctor at a hospital where scheduling is very difficult. I decided to intiate the breakup by saying that it'll eventually end and he seemed to agree.

Now looking back, I wonder if this whole "job" in Palo Alto was a reason to break up before he got even more caught up in his lies as he hinted/said somethings about breaking up (he wasn't texting as often, seemed distant). I even looked at this linkedin which stated the school he went to and past jobs but did not mention this new company/Palo Alto at all or the original engineering company.

It's been almost 2 months since we "broke up", we've had minimal contact here and there, very friendly but I'm not sure if this was all an extensive lie, there was no benefit of lying here, didn't ask me for money or for anything. Actually he was quite generous with gifts and nice dinners. I think he really liked me and I really liked him, we bonded alot over family values and such. I know that maybe employment may be hard for him as he has several disabilities (ADHD, asbergers), although there's really nothing to suspect when you talk with him.

However, I am wondering if anyone else thinks that this was a lie as well and maybe how to convince him that it is okay to be unemployed but just be upfront and honest. He basically is surviving off of his grandparents/great-grandparents wealth but is a frugal person, so I know that he will not be mooching off of others. How do I reach out to him/is there a way to get back with him and let him know that its okay?

Edited November 2, 2020 by Kellygirl1990

[Kelly Polly 1983]

What to do if a guy lied about employment?

Edited November 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Watercolors]

Not date him.

[stillafool]

The obvious - delete him, break up with him, block him.

[stillafool]

Yes it definitely sounds like he's lying to me.  Why?  I don't know but probably because he doesn't want to look like a loser to his doctor girlfriend.

[d0nnivain]

You are broken up.  You have good reasons to suspect he was lying.  I could never trust a person like that.  Just be done 

[mark clemson]

I agree but - what's the "level of severity" of the deception?  For example:

He had a job he believed was coming through in a week, glossed over the fact that he hadn't gotten it yet, and then got it.

VS.

Has been unemployed for months but told you he still had his job.

Few people are 100% honest even with their SO. That's why "radical honesty" is a thing. The fact you're posting here makes me THINK the level of severity is high, but you're emotionally attached to him and so conflicted. In that case, see the posts above.

If it's much less severe, maybe this is worth not worrying about?

[schlumpy]

2 hours ago, Kelly Polly 1983 said:

What to do if a guy lied about employment?

He could be feeling a class mismatch. Although it's not unheard of for someone with book learning to marry someone in the trades and he was claiming to be an engineer. Not that far off the mark.

What if his real profession was something shady?

Did you ever visit him at his workplace?

Most engineers like to brag about their work. What type of engineer was he?

I'm sorry that you caught feelings for him. I'm not sure you will be able to reach him.

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, Kelly Polly 1983 said:

It's been almost 2 months since we "broke up", we've had minimal contact here and there, very friendly but I'm not sure if this was all an extensive lie, there was no benefit of lying here, didn't ask me for money or for anything. Actually he was quite generous with gifts and nice dinners. I think he really liked me and I really liked him, we bonded alot over family values and such. I know that maybe employment may be hard for him as he has several disabilities (ADHD, asbergers), although there's really nothing to suspect when you talk with him.

However, I am wondering if anyone else thinks that this was a lie as well and maybe how to convince him that it is okay to be unemployed but just be upfront and honest. He basically is surviving off of his grandparents/great-grandparents wealth but is a frugal person, so I know that he will not be mooching off of others. How do I reach out to him/is there a way to get back with him and let him know that its okay?

Look you already listed plenty of examples where he blatantly lied to you and you broke up with him 2 months ago. Why are you obsessing about whether or not he lied to you. You already proved with your examples that he lied. Why does it matter what his reasons were now that the relationship is over? Why do you care about his whereabouts? You know his friends. You could always contact them to get in touch with him.

Honestly, if he really has those disabilities you mention, then what did you expect? If he doesn't have a social worker or job counselor or neuropsychologist or someone who is an autism case worker of course he would do all of those things (and maybe more). Maybe he was trying to impress you, since you are a "normative" person who doesn't have those disabilities.

It does sound like a 100% mismatch from the start. If you are going to date someone with those challenges, then you should be willing to show compassion, respect, offer support and have an acute awareness that their challenges will always skew the way they interact with people and the world around them. To not have that awareness, is to lack empathy. Plus, I think your expectations were unrealistic. You expected him to act 100% normal which is clearly isn't from what you've posted. That's like someone telling you, "I'm deaf" and then instead of learning ASL, you just shout at the person and complain that they never listen to you. You should have met him at his level from the start and stayed there, instead of expecting him to be normal and meet you at your level, which he was not and is not capable of doing. Leave him alone. Date someone "normative"

[Kelly Polly 1983]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

Look you already listed plenty of examples where he blatantly lied to you and you broke up with him 2 months ago. Why are you obsessing about whether or not he lied to you. You already proved with your examples that he lied. Why does it matter what his reasons were now that the relationship is over? Why do you care about his whereabouts? You know his friends. You could always contact them to get in touch with him.

Honestly, if he really has those disabilities you mention, then what did you expect? If he doesn't have a social worker or job counselor or neuropsychologist or someone who is an autism case worker of course he would do all of those things (and maybe more). Maybe he was trying to impress you, since you are a "normative" person who doesn't have those disabilities.

It does sound like a 100% mismatch from the start. If you are going to date someone with those challenges, then you should be willing to show compassion, respect, offer support and have an acute awareness that their challenges will always skew the way they interact with people and the world around them. To not have that awareness, is to lack empathy. Plus, I think your expectations were unrealistic. You expected him to act 100% normal which is clearly isn't from what you've posted. That's like someone telling you, "I'm deaf" and then instead of learning ASL, you just shout at the person and complain that they never listen to you. You should have met him at his level from the start and stayed there, instead of expecting him to be normal and meet you at your level, which he was not and is not capable of doing. Leave him alone. Date someone "normative"

To clarify, I initiated the break up after he hinted and mentioned several times about breaking up. I did not want to do that, I wanted to stay and figure things out. Also, I do not have any proof that he lied about everything, I am speculating that he has no job based on what I saw/heard. I also do not know his friends.

I didn't expect anything at first because I learned about his disabilities later on in our relationship after the lying started. I was not aware about it until he told me. He was also diagnosed as an adult, so he himself is also trying to understand his diagnoses. He lives a "normative" life, has his own house, car and has had other relationships in the past. I am trying to be empathetic by trying to reconnect to offer support and perhaps try to be aware of his challenges which is why I made this post, I just don't know how to go about it. If I wasn't trying to be compassionate/understanding, I would have walked away when he told me about his disabilites like some other women have done in the past with him. At the end of the day, I like him because of who he is as a person and I'm not going to be scared off or turn him away because of the challenges he may have. 

[Watercolors]

1 minute ago, Kelly Polly 1983 said:

To clarify, I initiated the break up after he hinted and mentioned several times about breaking up. I did not want to do that, I wanted to stay and figure things out. Also, I do not have any proof that he lied about everything, I am speculating that he has no job based on what I saw/heard. I also do not know his friends.

I didn't expect anything at first because I learned about his disabilities later on in our relationship after the lying started. I was not aware about it until he told me. He was also diagnosed as an adult, so he himself is also trying to understand his diagnoses. He lives a "normative" life, has his own house, car and has had other relationships in the past. I am trying to be empathetic by trying to reconnect to offer support and perhaps try to be aware of his challenges which is why I made this post, I just don't know how to go about it. If I wasn't trying to be compassionate/understanding, I would have walked away when he told me about his disabilites like some other women have done in the past with him. At the end of the day, I like him because of who he is as a person and I'm not going to be scared off or turn him away because of the challenges he may have. 

Ok, that information fills in more blanks for me. I have family members with challenges, so I tend to react strongly to others who I perceive as not being as empathetic. But, after reading this post, I agree that you tried to meet him at his level. He is likely lying to you out of shame, and embarrassment. Why don't you know any of his friends or family?

[Kelly Polly 1983]

4 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Ok, that information fills in more blanks for me. I have family members with challenges, so I tend to react strongly to others who I perceive as not being as empathetic. But, after reading this post, I agree that you tried to meet him at his level. He is likely lying to you out of shame, and embarrassment. Why don't you know any of his friends or family?

We just never got to that stage, and with COVID (me working at a hospital, not knowing who his friends have been in contact with etc.) it didn't seem to be an immediate thought. Also, IF he is/was lying, I am assuming that meeting his family, not so much friends, would expose the lies and create a bigger mess for him. 

[Watercolors]

14 minutes ago, Kelly Polly 1983 said:

We just never got to that stage, and with COVID (me working at a hospital, not knowing who his friends have been in contact with etc.) it didn't seem to be an immediate thought. Also, IF he is/was lying, I am assuming that meeting his family, not so much friends, would expose the lies and create a bigger mess for him. 

Ah, but sometimes those big messes are actually not messes. Most of the time, those are opportunities for change. If he's not willing to seek out the resources and assistance to help him with his multiple challenges, as an adult with a mortgage and car payment (supposedly he has those things, correct?), then the best thing that could happen to him would be to hit rock bottom. That is the only way to force him to confront everything he's in denial about himself.

Well, you must have met people who know him. Can't you just contact them?

[Ellener]

Look, you either care about someone or you don't.

1 hour ago, Kelly Polly 1983 said:

I didn't expect anything at first because I learned about his disabilities later on in our relationship after the lying started.

Well that's not likely to change is it.

Accept him as he is or cut him loose. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Way too much way too soon.  Dating is not a detective game or being a career counselor or therapist 

Dating is what you see is what you get. 8 weeks is enough time to decide it's not working out.

However lecturing about jobs/covid, micromanaging his employment situation etc. is way over the top for 8 weeks or at all, for that matter. 

End it. Lesson learned. Do not date people you view as projects, patients or children who need a mom.

[spiderowl]

People I know with Aspergers do not tend to lie. They feel too ‘transparent’ for that; however, one cannot really generalise, only speak from personal experience. 

You cannot trust him because you are picking up that this guy is lying. While he may be doing this out of shame of not having a job, it’s not a good relationship where people persistently lie to you, for whatever reason.  

Again from personal experience, guys who emphasise that cheating is a no-no before you hardly know them have been the ones who have had something going on in the background and turned out to be cheating. Of course, no-one wants to be with a cheater but if someone emphasises that upfront, it could be a red flag as to THEIR trustworthiness. 

It must seem like a strange unfinished situation to you so I can see why you want answers.  There is only one person who knows the answers - him - so you can either ask him or accept that it’s just one of those weird mysteries in life and if he suggested splitting up then he must have wanted that too. 

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds like too much confusion and suspicion for just 2 months in to me. The early days should be relatively easy, straightforward, and fun. I wouldn't bother.