Is it wrong to cuddle with a guy who's talking to someone

[emma green]

ok so basically i'm 13 and i recently went to a halloween party with a bunch of people. i have a crush on this one guy and he likes me back but it was so awkward between us that night and i lost feelings. i felt kinda bad because i was flirting with his best friend all night and his best friend knows that we liked each other. But his best friend was flirting back with me. His best friend is talking to another girl tho. they are not dating but talking and they had just started talking the night before. Then the guy that has a crush on me starts cuddling with my best friend and she of course asked me before hand if she could and i agreed because i had no feeling for him at all. Then his best friends girl that he's talking to comes over and they start cuddling. After about 20 mins she leaves and we all start to watch a movie. there was my best friend and the guy that has or had a crush on me (i don't know if he still likes me) my other friend and her boyfriend, and then the guys best friend who's girl that isn't his girlfriend but he's talking to her left so he was alone. it was all really awkward for me so i went in the other room. my friend walks in the room and tells me that the guys best friend wants to cuddle with me. i said no at first because he's talking to someone but she said i had to and they basically peer pressured me into doing it. So i did it and it wasn't like full on cuddling i was just laying on his chest and it wasn't that comfortable if i'm being honest but i low key started to develop feelings for him. Then we were leaving and he didn't even tell me bye and we just left. my friend later told me he hated it and just did it because he missed his "girlfriend" but i can't help but think we had some sort of connection. idk if it's considered cheating because they are not really dating but he kinda used me and i don't know how to feel about him and i'm scared his "girlfriend" will find out.

[d0nnivain]

Part of this is all about being 13. 

The boy you have a crush on doesn't seem to like you.  It seems he likes your best friend.  I hope you are OK with that because it's going to be in your face for a while. 

The guy you cuddled with was talking to another girl.  Talking to another girl is not the same as dating.  So I don't think that there was ethically anything wrong with it.  You were both single.  The girl he was talking to was not his GF. 

Ethics aside, I have real concerns about the pressure your friend put on you.  Nobody gets to dictate how you behave romantically or sexually.  You didn't seem to have much interest in "cuddling" this boy.  In fact you left the room, which was smart on your part.  Your friend was wrong to insist that you return & cuddle this boy.  The boy should have been more respectful of your reluctance & not accepted the cuddles.  You two could have easily just sat there, side by side, watching the movie while your respective BFFs cuddled each other because they wanted to.  You are going to be spending more time with this guy if your BFFs end up dating so you best set a tone you are comfortable with.   Your cuddle buddy does sound like a typical guy -- will take physical affection from any available warm body, no commitment or connection required.  Be careful around him.  He has some potential to use you.  I hate to ascribe nefarious motives to a barely teen boy I don't know.  He too may have been feeling peer pressure from his buddy to cuddle you based on some macho theory of what "men" do. 

Going forward, be true to yourself & have the courage of your own convictions.   

[Wiseman2]

Don't get pressured into any semi sexual situations. Just say "no" to whatever "cuddling" is 

13 y/o boys start to get curious and of course easily get erections.. from "cuddling"..   

Talk to a trusted adult about boundaries, peer pressure, bullying and sexuality.

Do not let anyone touch you if it feels creepy. Walk away.

Edited November 3, 2020 by Wiseman2

[SincereOnlineGuy]

17 hours ago, emma green said:

they basically peer pressured me into doing it. 

 

OK,  if Covid keeps everybody apart for the next 5 or 11 years...   that might save you.

Otherwise, if this is how it is at age 13... the next 5 years are likely to be rough.

 

 

Any attention feels SO good at 13... and people aren't very sure of themselves, nor are they very considerate of others...   so everybody ends up TRYING to express something significant, and share something significant with another person who makes it clear that it is meaningful to them.

Basically it is all just fumbling around (mentally)... and in a few years it gets even more challenging when you are Stacy Hamilton and you're with Mark Ratner on a sofa.  (tiz sad that such an image is only funny and meaningful if you're at least 50-ish)

 

The best advice you can get at 13 is just not to bank too strongly on any one person so that emotional wounds  suffered so early won't do steady harm to friendships and relationships for decades to follow.

It's hard, when you're sitting there just waiting for life to happen to YOU... in a hurry...  and Covid slows everything to a crawl... and you're still waiting for something...

Suddenly you look up, and you are 13 and 1/3 (4 months)...  and it's been forever, and you've hardly moved.

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

OH NO !!! 

dammit...

 

everybody knows that if you're Stacy Hamilton - you are with MIKE DAMONE on a couch !!!

 

PS - whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy can't somebody "edit" their post until at least such time as when another party has replied???

 

 

Edited November 4, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[smackie9]

You guys are 13 and you all are just experiencing with trying out affection, making out, petting, coping a feel,  etc. One min someone is going to like someone, then the next ....SQUIRREL! They are off cuddling with someone else. Sorry but there is no sense in trying to figure all this out. I remember when I was 13 and everyone was just jumping for one to the next. It's going to be a confusing time for you, and you are just going to have to play it by ear.

[stillafool]

I was still playing with dolls at 13 until my mother made me stop.  It must be confusing for you OP.

[emma green]

UPDATE: so basically the guy who i cuddled with on halloween completely ghosted me and i know i don't have a chance with him at all what do ever so i am trying to just let him go. the other guy that i lost feelings for lost feelings for me i'm pretty sure and today i started to get them back a little but i know that he is known for playing girls and he's so awkward and won't talk to me. he's only 14 but still. I really want a relationship because one of my best friends is in one and she said it's the happiest she's ever been and she said it would make me happier in general. the guy that i thought i lost feelings for that i kinda like again is confusing because i don't actually like him but he's the only good option for me. he's so awkward and doesn't talk to me at all. i just wish he would go with the flow and not be awkward because it makes me feel weird. my bestfriend which is the girl i was talking about who cuddled with him at the party lives in Wisconsin and we live in Oklahoma so i don't think they are gonna be together but it just gives me a weird feeling when he likes another girl or when he hugged me bestfriend like i'm not jealous because i don't have feelings for him but in a way i do. i'm so confused if i should go for him and try to get to know him when he doesn't put in an effort at all. i really want to date but my parents are really strict and i don't even think they would let me. i am a teenager tho and i think they should but idk.

[Wiseman2]

Don't chase boys who are not interested or who just want to take thier hormones for a spin 

Your friend is wrong. A relationship will not ensure happiness. She's just trying to brag.

It's ok to want to date. Perhaps talk to your parents about doing things in groups with boys and girls.

Many schools have junior dances and such so that young people can start to get comfortable with mixed groups.

Join some clubs, groups, sports etc and simply start talking to and being friendly with boys.

Keep in mind some boys will still be quite immature or awkward, that's ok, just keep making friends with both boys and girls.

Edited November 6, 2020 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

17 hours ago, emma green said:

I really want a relationship because one of my best friends is in one 

Emma 

I understand the allure.  You friend said she's so happy & you want to be happy.  The problem is that is a false premise.  You won't be happy in a relationship if you are not happy & complete as an independent single person.  Another human being can't make you happy.  You have to be happy in your own skin. 

Wanting a relationship because your friend has one is a misguided reason to want a relationship.  It's making you make bad decisions.  You are acting desperate because you feel desperate.  You are not evaluating whether the boy is suitable, whether you have things in common. You aren't even trying to figure out if he's a good boy.  You admit you are chasing a boy who you cuddled with when you didn't really want to knowing he liked another girl.  You are trying to get the boy you used to like who seems to prefer your friend back even though you know he's a Lothario.  In short you just want a warm male body so you can announce to the world you have a BF. 

Being in a relationship is not a status symbol.  Stop treating it that way.  Instead of being so focused on getting a BF, throw yourself into a hobby.  Focus on who you are as a person.  When you do that, the right boy will come along.  Do not settle for the wrong boy.  

[emma green]

ok another update: so basically everything was going good until me and my friend which is the one that has a boyfriend that peer pressured me into cuddling with the guy we're on FaceTime together and she just randomly goes oh yeah jovi (the girl the guys talking to that i cuddled with) knows about what happened on halloween. and i was like what and she said yeah ketha (one the girls friends and my friends) told her and i was like how did she know and she said "i told her". i was like why did you tell her and she was like it's fine she said she wouldn't tell anyone on God. and i was so angry because now jovi hates me and the guy hates me so idk what to do. my friend told me the guy told his "gf" (not really tho) that it was my fault!! and it was certainly not and now they all hate me for something i did not do. and i got mad at my friend for telling her friend who told jovi but she doesn't care about my feelings and just got mad back saying it's not her fault. 

Edited November 7, 2020 by emma green

[Wiseman2]

She's not a good friend. hang out with other people.

[d0nnivain]

This "friend" of yours is no such thing.  With friends like hers who needs enemies?  Watch yourself around her.  She's steering you wrong & doing you dirty at every turn.  

[emma green]

i just wanted to say thank you guys. i know i'm only 13 but like i feel like all my real friends lie to me and they are so fake. it seems a little odd for me to be asking random adults of the internet for advice on a love website but honestly y'all have helped me so thanks.

[d0nnivain]

You're welcome Emma.  Do realize that we are only random adults on the internet so apply the critical thinking skills you are learning in school to what we tell & well as what your friends tell you.  Do remember that your friends have the same life experience you do so taking their word as gospel won't help you.  Talk to your parents or other trusted adults in your life.   Trust yourself & your instincts.  They seem to be serving you well so far.  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 11/5/2020 at 2:44 PM, emma green said:

UPDATE: so basically the guy who i cuddled with on halloween completely ghosted me and i know i don't have a chance with him at all what do ever so i am trying to just let him go. the other guy that i lost feelings for lost feelings for me i'm pretty sure and today i started to get them back a little but i know that he is known for playing girls and he's so awkward and won't talk to me. he's only 14 but still. I really want a relationship because one of my best friends is in one and she said it's the happiest she's ever been and she said it would make me happier in general. the guy that i thought i lost feelings for that i kinda like again is confusing because i don't actually like him but he's the only good option for me. he's so awkward and doesn't talk to me at all. i just wish he would go with the flow and not be awkward because it makes me feel weird. my bestfriend which is the girl i was talking about who cuddled with him at the party lives in Wisconsin and we live in Oklahoma so i don't think they are gonna be together but it just gives me a weird feeling when he likes another girl or when he hugged me bestfriend like i'm not jealous because i don't have feelings for him but in a way i do. i'm so confused if i should go for him and try to get to know him when he doesn't put in an effort at all. i really want to date but my parents are really strict and i don't even think they would let me. i am a teenager tho and i think they should but idk.

I knooooooooooooooooow precisely the feelings  that your friend is talking about.

 

They ARE exhilarating!     BUT...   they tend to completely consume  people, the younger they are when they experience those feelings.

 

So much of it is merely the ritual of hiding your vulnerability from everybody at or near to your own age for years  (including your little brother, the neighbor boys, AND nearly everyone at school)...  

 

before magically showing/sharing it   to/with ONE lucky guy...  and being (totally elated that he isn't {completely making fun of you} {like everybody else seems to do} )

 

If more time goes by...  so that you first better come to know yourself    then your ability to fully appreciate relationships and a partner is much greater.

(if you're in a rush to be in a relationship at 13 or 14 you run the risk of going too fast, and POSSibly  affecting your will and ability to better relate to your partners later on. )

On 11/7/2020 at 9:55 AM, emma green said:

ok another update: so basically everything was going good until me and my friend which is the one that has a boyfriend that peer pressured me into cuddling with the guy we're on FaceTime together and she just randomly goes oh yeah jovi (the girl the guys talking to that i cuddled with) knows about what happened on halloween. and i was like what and she said yeah ketha (one the girls friends and my friends) told her and i was like how did she know and she said "i told her". i was like why did you tell her and she was like it's fine she said she wouldn't tell anyone on God. and i was so angry because now jovi hates me and the guy hates me so idk what to do. my friend told me the guy told his "gf" (not really tho) that it was my fault!! and it was certainly not and now they all hate me for something i did not do. and i got mad at my friend for telling her friend who told jovi but she doesn't care about my feelings and just got mad back saying it's not her fault. 

 

(sigh)   This is probably about what was to be expected in all of this.

 

AND such experiences (that aren't your fault) are even more reason why people run away and hide their feelings from everybody.

 

Having a partner is SO much about feeling safe when 'vulnerable' near to that person, and when every loud-mouth at your school has something to say about everybody, then it is next to impossible to both have a boyfriend and treat him right, while at the same time surviving school and being fair both to the boyfriend, to YOUR female friends, AND to school.

 

 

[emma green]

you guys i'm so mad right now. me and my friend basically made up but she's still kinda rude. anyways, she told me that this boy, the same boy my bestfriend cuddled with on halloween likes me still. if i'm gonna be honest i can't stop thinking about him and i like him still. until a few minutes ago. she accidentally told me he likes another girl. she tried to cover it up and say she was kidding and all that but i know she wasn't and she just wants for me to not be sad. oh i'm not sad, i'm mad. i literally want to kill the guy. just choose a girl man it's literally not that fricking hard. he's playing with my feelings and he thinks the world revolves around him. anyways i am literally my own independent person and i don't need him so i am telling myself that i don't care at all. but deep down i care a little.

[LouSifa]

I’m sure someone gave you the cookie cutter advice of “do the right thing by not messing with a taken boy”. Sometimes the right thing is the wrong thing and you will regret it.. forever. I still regret the chances I didn’t take and those regrets are older than you.  If you feel a vibe, then go for it. If it goes wrong, chalk it up to a learning experience. You only live once..(I can’t even continue in video games anymore unless there is a save point!👿). Sorry for the digression.  Just be discreet, call him to the side and DO tHIs in person!!!!  No phone call nor texts, or anything permanent that he can wield like a Michael sword🗡  (because you don’t know yet how he feels for sure). Put your feelings out there and directly let him know how you feel. I’m a guy trust me all we need is a definite sign and we do the rest unless he is a mommy’s boy still whom hasn’t matured.  Important. Do not sleep with him right away! If he loves you back, he will be patient. Also this allows you to survey if he is still talking to someone else..or maybe you will realize he isn’t what you thought. Good luck and keep me posted.

 

uncle L

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry this boy is playing games but now that you know what kind of a person he is, use your anger to propel you forward.  

There will be another boy.  Hang in there 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Does anyone ever stop to consider that teen females are considered the loneliest people in society, and that teenagers as a group of individuals are all struggling to try to figure out who they are

 

... and that society's remedy for such people is to toss them all together for 6 or 7 hours every day.

 

Probably best not to scrutinize the specific seconds that tick off the clock.

 

Just resign yourself to the fact that teen life constitutes 220 million, 924 thousand and 800 seconds.

(yes, I added a couple of leap days)

 

(COVID might make a few of those seconds feel longer)

 

The goal for the OP should be to preserve herself in every way SO that she can begin her 20's while still mostly sane and mostly unaffected by inconsiderate and clueless people she encountered between now and then.