Is this good reason why more men opt out of marriage?

[samsungxoxo]

Besides the obvious fact that no one likes giving up 1/2 of their income after a divorce, it makes things harder when the gf he's dating doesn't contribute (besides sex and cooking, which more men are doing nowadays since it's a basic skill people should know) to anything at all. She's not putting anything valuable to the table to reassure the man that she's a good candidate for marriage and that it's worth the sacrifice. Are girls like this story a good reason why more men find marriage not worth it anymore?

Quote

''You guys, I feel sad. It's been 7 years, no proposal. He disappeared for 2 years yet randomly came back & he continues to act like I'm his wife, having me do everything wifey like for him but without the ring. Sure, he's great, were in love, happy, he gives me money & buys me stuff but I want a marriage commitment. Is that asking too much? He's almost 50! I'd think he would wanna settle down by now... What do y'all think?''

It seems obvious that no man is going to consider a girl that relies on guys for money and stuff worth proposing to. 

Edited November 3, 2020 by samsungxoxo

[Happy Lemming]

I can only speak for myself, but the idea of losing half of my assets and/or income is unacceptable.  I just won't enter an agreement, where (through no fault of my own), someone else can wake up after a few years, decide the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and take at least 1/2 of my assets/future income.  I don't even want to try to estimate the financial damage if there are children involved.  Nope... being a human ATM machine is not my idea of a happy life.

If you want sex... date women, don't get married.

If you want children... higher a surrogate.  In the end, it will be a lot cheaper and you'll be much happier.

If you don't want children... get a vasectomy.

I was engaged once in my life and it cost me money to get out of that.  It wasn't a lot of money, but just enough to teach me a lesson.

For the record, my present girlfriend can have my assets when I'm dead, not before.  If she decides she no longer wants to see me, she can have the tooth brush (she has here) in my bathroom, nothing else.

[central]

I'm not a fan of marriage, esp. after my first sad disaster.  However, I married again, and have no regrets - this time - but I was very sure after living together 7 years that this would last and go very well, and it has.  However, neither of us cared about getting married, and only did it for pragmatic reasons like health insurance, etc.  I wouldn't recommend it for most people, because even if things are good and equitable at first, things can change over time.

[Ruby Slippers]

Marriage is beneficial primarily for raising children, and at its best it can be a fulfilling lifelong partnership.

The men I've talked to who are divorced or unhappily married, who either lost half their assets or face losing them if they leave, aren't exactly happy about it, but see it as a tradeoff for having kids that they cherish, who at least had the benefits of a relatively stable home and family life, financial stability, good education, etc. 

My last bf was very bitter about his divorce, especially the financial settlement, but continues to be a very involved dad to his grown kids, seems to be pretty fulfilled by his relationship with them. I also got the impression his kids are very attentive when he needs anything (which is rare), and I'm guessing they'll be pretty close and involved in his last years when he might need more assistance.

This seems to be one of the most rewarding parts of having kids - comfort in the last days. It may seem it's a high price for some people, but I don't imagine anyone's worrying too much about that when they're fading out of this world.

[major_merrick]

Legal marriage is essentially a business arrangement where you agree to pool assets.  Unfortunately, the law tends to favor women in such partnerships.  If a woman contributes unequally to the union, she still gets to walk away with half. 

You can legally protect the assets you had before the marriage, at least in most states.  But everything you made after the marriage date is going to get divided.  Unless you hide it or maintain some sort of proof that she already got her half and spent it. 

I don't feel the need to be married in the legal sense.  And I don't live in a "common law" state, where you end up married by default after living with somebody.  My marriage is solely religious, so both my assets and my husband's assets are protected.  I think that most people get legally married because its a social expectation, without realizing that there are other options available to have their union in the sight of God and family, but without entering into the legal side of it. 

There are very few benefits to legal marriage that I can see.  One that comes to mind is that some health insurance plans only recognize "spouse" instead of "domestic partner."  Being legally married also gives your spouse some automatic inheritance rights upon your death.  If your partner is merely a "girlfriend" at the time you die, if you haven't specifically included them in a will or a trust, they could be left without support if your blood family decides to take it all. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, samsungxoxo said:

It seems obvious that no man is going to consider a girl that relies on guys for money and stuff worth proposing to. 

That might seem obvious to you, but there are certainly men out there who want to be "the provider" and have a homemaker wife. Not a role for everyone (either of them) but it certainly exists.

For myself I've always wanted my partner to have a job of their own, but that's just me.

[Ruby Slippers]

13 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

Unfortunately, the law tends to favor women in such partnerships.  If a woman contributes unequally to the union, she still gets to walk away with half.

Since historically women have earned less, that's generally true. However, times are changing, and you read plenty of stories on this forum from women who out-earned their husbands and lost a lot of assets in divorce. Basically, whoever earns more is more at risk of financial loss. I'd never marry a lower-earning man because of the financial risk.

13 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

That might seem obvious to you, but there are certainly men out there who want to be "the provider" and have a homemaker wife.

It's pretty prevalent, in my experience. Most of the men I've had relationships have been fine with financially supporting me 100%, whether we had kids or not. I never took anyone up on it, but definitely would if kids were involved. 

I'm pretty sure that if I were a man, I'd want kids and wouldn't expect the mother to work during the child-rearing years. There's a certain amount of risk, but I'd choose very carefully for good character and strong values, with a backup plan in case of a split.

[basil67]

@samsungxoxo You've just taken a snippet from someone's post without context and are using it to prove a point.    There could be all kinds of things that she's bringing to the table, but we don't know what they are.   Is she working part time and caring for children?  Is she running his house so that he gets to come home at night to a clean house and cooked dinner?   Is he one of the men who enjoys being a provider?

Edited November 3, 2020 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@samsungxoxo You've just taken a snippet from someone's post without context and are using it to prove a point.   

Agree.

[Woggle]

I love being married to my wife and the key factor is her involvement. She was great enough to convince me to do it. I do think that men need to be very cautious with marriage and that is not because I am against commitment or monogamy. I am fine with it but when 70% of divorces are initiated by women and the courts favor them being careful is just smart. Also even if he does stay married he may end up with a woman who hates his guts and constantly complains about him to anybody who will listen. The risks outweigh the rewards for some and I can understand why.

[Blind-Sided]

@Wiseman2 @basil67....  I know that the quote could be out of context... but I don't think it really maters, as it just supports the question from the OP.  Dont know... just thinking.

Anyway... After my UGLY divorce... I'm not ready to get married again anytime soon.  I'm not looking to have any more kids at my age... and I don't want to go through it again. (the divorce) The state I'm in use to be a common law state, but they recently got rid of those laws... so I don't have to worry about that.  AND... IF... I decide to get married again, I WILL have a prenup put together.  I don't want to die alone... but I don't want to EVER go through a divorce again.  I don't pay alimony or child support... but it still cost a lot to get things finalized. (Where the exW went to the local abuse center, and got everything for free) 

In the case of the quote... I think it stems from the guy's age. I don't know his history... but guys who are good with being a bachelor probably don't want a real commitment.  AND... if the woman in the quote doesn't like that... then she needs to move on.  

[Chilli]

 

l can well understand him or any guy not wanting to get married or in any hurry.. And besides , half his income after divorce ahh , not to mention maybe losing his house too. Jezuz , l mean your talking after divorce as if it's a done deal before he's even married ahhh.  Those 3 right there are more than enough what that's not screwed enough for him you think  ! Most guys aren't dumb when it comes to the marriage thing these days and so many women practically brag about their independence now too anyway so you know , she should be fine with not being married then. And most guys know sure she might wanna get married , but these days she's also more often than not the first one out the door too.  Harder and harder to take any of it seriously anymore.

Edited November 5, 2020 by Chilli

[Fletch Lives]

It's always been that women are more interested in marriage than men. Perhaps there are new excuses. It does not change men's and women's nature.

And a lot of guys who lost their shirt in divorce are going to be even less enthusiastic about marriage.

That said, I think marriage is a good thing. And if men want to date women, they should be prepared for marriage. It comes with the territory.

Furthermore, if it were not for so many good women and their good ideals about marriage and family, the world would be a lot less civilized. 

Forget "Go Trump". I say, "Go Women!"

[snowboy91]

If the girl isn't bringing anything to the table then it's an unbalanced relationship, regardless of whether there's a ring or not. Also the expectations that men have in a relationship have somewhat shifted away from domestic work and more toward sexual and social compatibility (of course, this varies a lot regionally).

We also know that a significant number of marriages end in divorce, so I wouldn't be surprised if men avoid marriage to avoid that lengthy, painful process, though some jurisdictions have laws around de facto relationships that could make it just as painful.

[MrPlop]

This is a very lengthy topic, to put it simply as marriage stands today for men the benefits don't outweigh the risks. Or the juice ain't worth the squeeze. Divorce is on the 40%-50%, birth rates are on the low. The folks who are really gonna be screwed are retirees when there's not enough young people to support them.

Edited November 5, 2020 by MrPlop