jmanda90 Posted November 4, 2020 Share Posted November 4, 2020 I am going to put it all out there. I know when people read this post I sound like a horrible human being. I have owned up to mistakes even though it was too late. I am on my second divorce. We are divorcing because his final straw was he found out that while we were dating I was still married (I know I lied). There was some cheating on my end throughout the relationship. He did cheat on me, even though he says he didn't cheat on. This last year I have been physical with him which caused him to move out (once again I know).I have been diagnosed with bi-polar during the last year. Which has caused a lot of issues as well, and he deals with anixety and depression.The hard part about this divorce is that he has help raise my daughter since she was 3 and now she is turning 8. She is heartbroken but is a tough kid. I want him in her life because he is dad but for me I am scared. We have fought so hard this last 6 months that the love for him is gone, but something keeps pulling me back to him. I want him in her life, but my fear is that I will start to fall for him and this time be left hanging. I am in therapy and have worked so hard on myself which the person that I am now versus who I was a year ago is a complete 180 and I am so very proud of who I am and who I am becoming. I just don't know how to "co-parent" with him without getting my feelings involved. Has anyone dealt with an ex who is not biologically the parent of the child and was able to just keep it simple. I am trying to navigate this new world but protecting myself and making sure that I am able to raise a strong child and knowing that she is loved. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted November 4, 2020 Share Posted November 4, 2020 (edited) Where is her real father and why isn't he paying child support and involved in custody/visitation? You don't "co-parent" with someone who you are divorcing who is not the father. The best thing you can do for your child is get the bipolar disorder under control with close follow up with your doctor and therapist. Your medical issues are the biggest threat to your child's well being, not "co-parenting" with your divorcing husband. Edited November 4, 2020 by Wiseman2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted November 4, 2020 Share Posted November 4, 2020 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Where is her real father and why isn't he paying child support and involved in custody/visitation? You don't "co-parent" with someone who you are divorcing who is not the father. The best thing you can do for your child is get the bipolar disorder under control with close follow up with your doctor and therapist. Your medical issues are the biggest threat to your child's well being, not "co-parenting" with your divorcing husband. This. OK... to be honest... there will be no co-parenting with your stbXh. He is not the father, regardless if he is the father figure. If you have hurt him with the lying and cheating, and physical abuse... there is a good chance he will just be gone. I know everyone is different... but if I was in that position... and I liked the kid... all I would be doing is spending her a gift on her Bday or other holidays. The best thing he can do for both of you is to make a clean break. That's how the healing will start. From your story... you need to spend time with yourself, and not just blame the bi-polar condition. Meds can help... but self reflection and self awareness is a big factor. Lying, and cheating is a choice. If you want to be happy... then you need to make the choice to not do that. Those things are hurting you and your kid. I wish you peace in moving forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 4, 2020 Share Posted November 4, 2020 5 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: Lying, and cheating is a choice. Not if she is bipolar and is cheating during her manic episodes. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 4, 2020 Share Posted November 4, 2020 No, I agree that this guy is not your daughter's father and will not co-parent with you. That is the job of your daughter's bio father. Maybe when you daughter grows up she can reconnect with your ex (if they both want) and have a relationship that doesn't include you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted November 29, 2020 Share Posted November 29, 2020 On 11/4/2020 at 2:23 PM, Blind-Sided said: This. OK... to be honest... there will be no co-parenting with your stbXh. He is not the father, regardless if he is the father figure. If you have hurt him with the lying and cheating, and physical abuse... there is a good chance he will just be gone. I know everyone is different... but if I was in that position... and I liked the kid... all I would be doing is spending her a gift on her Bday or other holidays. The best thing he can do for both of you is to make a clean break. That's how the healing will start. From your story... you need to spend time with yourself, and not just blame the bi-polar condition. Meds can help... but self reflection and self awareness is a big factor. Lying, and cheating is a choice. If you want to be happy... then you need to make the choice to not do that. Those things are hurting you and your kid. I wish you peace in moving forward. Blind-sided this is something I am contemplating, if you remember you have read my story and gave me advice / I thank you for that !! Your story is similar to mine. Would you get involved with a woman that has a small child from another marriage (and risk the above situation) or would you prefer a woman that does not want kids or her children are old enough ? Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 16 hours ago, emprosnet7 said: Blind-sided this is something I am contemplating, if you remember you have read my story and gave me advice / I thank you for that !! Your story is similar to mine. Would you get involved with a woman that has a small child from another marriage (and risk the above situation) or would you prefer a woman that does not want kids or her children are old enough ? That's hard to say. Personally... I don't want more kids. I'm late 40's, and don't want to deal with a baby, or a kid that isn't at least self sufficient. I have a 9 yo, and she can take care of herself on the basics. I don't have to get her dressed, or help her with the bathroom... and I can leave her alone (with her older sister) for a couple hours if I need to run to the store. So... even though I have kids... I'm starting to feel that freedom I use to have. And as a single dad... that is a HUGE deal to me. With that said... Unless the girl was PERFECT, and checked every box... I would not get together with a woman with a small child. On that note... I would not have dated a girl who wanted to start a family, because I know that's not where I am. But that's me. If you don't have kids, and want kids... then that may not even be a factor to you. As far as dating a girl who has an older kid... I would have been ok with that. But I wouldn't allow myself to get "Close" to her kid, just in case things didn't work out. It would save me from that situation. Not to mention... I wouldn't even want to meet her kid until I know she was OK. After going through what my exW put me through, and seeing first hand how bad a mental breakdown can be... I would simply walk away from anyone showing those kinds of issues. (and I did) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted November 30, 2020 Share Posted November 30, 2020 Some people can see each other as friends someday. But others feel betrayed, never get over it, and hate the other person. You'll just have to see how it all pans out, I'm afraid. Hopefully, you two can be civil enough that the child can visit both of you without turmoil. Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted December 1, 2020 Share Posted December 1, 2020 On 11/4/2020 at 5:20 PM, Wiseman2 said: Where is her real father and why isn't he paying child support and involved in custody/visitation? He likely is.....And H has been paying since child has been 3 the other half. She just doesn't want that arrangement to stop, that is why the co-parent with STBXH... Did you expect her to give up on a good thing like a cost free kid??? Likely gets single mother's benefits also.... Got to learn to play the people/systems to get the most. Link to post Share on other sites
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