First time poster, need some perspective

[Feelinbeachy21]

I apologise, this may be a long one. 
9 months ago my high school sweetheart got in touch with me again after 10 years of no contact. Now a bit of back history, we met at the age of 14 and were madly in love but broke up at 17 after the devastating loss of our baby. I have been in love with him since I was 14 and I am still in love with him now. He did not know this. 
We have had contact over the years but he went on to get married while I was in another relationship. 
fast forward to 9 months ago and I get a text out of the blue from him to say hi and ask how I’m doing. We talked everyday for a month before we met up for coffee. The second time we met up for coffee he tried to kiss me and I resisted. But barely. 
Anyway the short story is that we met up a few more times and after talking a lot I discovered that he has also never got over me and claims he has been in love with me all these years as well. 
It’s now been 7 months of him telling me that he is going to leave his wife so that we can be together but it never actually happens. He insists that he is going to but can’t tell me when this will happen or what is stopping him from doing it. 
because it’s him and because of our history I just can’t imagine him stringing me along. 
I suppose what I’m asking is, am I deluded for thinking that he will make good on his promises? 
can someone change that much that he would be willing to hurt me after everything that we went through together? 
I just don’t know what to do xx

 

[mark clemson]

31 minutes ago, Feelinbeachy21 said:

I  suppose what I’m asking is, am I deluded for thinking that he will make good on his promises?

Probably.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Feelinbeachy21 said:

because it’s him and because of our history I just can’t imagine him stringing me along. 

He’s strong in you along... evidence below. 

Quote

It’s now been 7 months of him telling me that he is going to leave his wife so that we can be together but it never actually happens. He insists that he is going to but can’t tell me when this will happen or what is stopping him from doing it. 

feelingbeechy, I’m sure it feels really wonderful to have your first love come back into your life and tell you it has always been you... but, true love is not to be found usually with a married man who is cheating on his wife and kids.

You seem to have created a fantasy about this man, your past history, and your fairytale ending... But, reality is often far from fantasy. Unfortunately, the reality of this situation is this guy has been making promises to you for seven months now and he has failed to follow through. His words are basically meaningless, when his actions tell a different story. 

 

Edited November 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[Bonifidelifelover]

First off @baileyb does he have kids? She never mentions that. 
 

Anyways... I agree I think he’s stringing u along. I’m sure he does have strong feelings for u I don’t doubt it. Are u still in a relationship too?? 

[DKT3]

From 14 to 17....now somewhere close to 30 you honestly believe you are in love with this guy? You don't know him. The largest jump in human development happens around 20-28. You are both completely different people now running on fumes of hormonal teenage highs.

If I'm being honest its probably more about recapturing your youth and maybe an element of sex.

Yeah, he is most likely stringing you along....hopefully you are no longer in your relationship. 

[Buffer]

He just wants sex. Sorry to be blunt. If it is true love he would have left his wife already. 
Are you married?  Or in a relationship that you would want to leave to be with him?

One day at a time. Buffer 

Edited November 5, 2020 by Buffer
Spelling

[Amethyst68]

 

Quote

can someone change that much that he would be willing to hurt me after everything that we went through together

You seem happy enough to believe he's the type of person who would do this to the woman he married. The one person he swore to be loyal to.  Why should his behaviour be any different with you? 

[Bonifidelifelover]

I think In relationships when things go stale or awry it’s very common for people to time warp back to a youthful time when life was simpler & crushes they had going on made them feel happy & excited, and unfortunately for you, you are the target in this time warp for this guy. It’s very very common. We all remember our 1st love & crush. It’s best to be strong & turn him down & cut contact. It’ll hurt but it’s for the protection Of ur heart. He’s not leaving his wife. 

[Feelinbeachy21]

Thank you for your honesty. I do believe you are all probably right and I have made the decision to back off and cut contact with him. If he’s genuine then he’ll do what he said he would do, if not then I’m better off. It’s going to be really hard. I feel sick at the thought of it but you are right, i need to get myself out of this situation. 
I believed that was genuine because he allowed me to tell people that we were getting together. He doesn’t seem to care if we get caught out. 

no, I’m not in a relationship at the moment. And To be honest if I was I would have ended it as soon as this started. I wouldn’t have crossed this line for any other man and he knows that. 
he had in the past offered to back off until he has left his wife but I don’t know if that is just another tactic to keep me going along with the affair. 
I gave him the benefit of trusting him because things became difficult with the COVID lockdown not long after we got together but he has still had a few months now where he could have made good on his promises 

[Feelinbeachy21]

3 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

 

You seem happy enough to believe he's the type of person who would do this to the woman he married. The one person he swore to be loyal to.  Why should his behaviour be any different with you? 

No, I believed that he was leaving as soon as we both realised the feelings were still there. And then before that could happen we were thrown into lockdown. 

[Nats_16]

The best thing to do for you would be to go and live your life and tell him he knows where to find you If he decides that he really wants to be with you. I am in the exact same position as you, however I have been listening to those lines for three years plus now but he just needs to sort his finances out/has to stay at the house he shares with his GF as he has no where else to go/can only see me in his working day as he doesn’t want to cause any more hassle at home.....honestly the list of excuses goes on and on so please please get away whilst you still have your integrity and your awareness of your self worth still intact xx

[Feelinbeachy21]

3 minutes ago, Nats_16 said:

The best thing to do for you would be to go and live your life and tell him he knows where to find you If he decides that he really wants to be with you. I am in the exact same position as you, however I have been listening to those lines for three years plus now but he just needs to sort his finances out/has to stay at the house he shares with his GF as he has no where else to go/can only see me in his working day as he doesn’t want to cause any more hassle at home.....honestly the list of excuses goes on and on so please please get away whilst you still have your integrity and your awareness of your self worth still intact xx

Thank you for your reply. I really hope things either work out for you or you find the strength to let go if that’s what you want. 
I feel that if I don’t I could be in the exact same position that you are right now. 
I do see mm on a daily basis even on days off and we talk constantly through text from getting up in the morning until we both go to sleep at night. 
I’m going to cut contact today and tell him that if he really means what he says then he can get it sorted and come find me but I’m not going to just wait around for him. 
 

[Nats_16]

We also speak from morning through to bed time, we have had 3 d-days but still he remains there. 
be prepared for him throwing words at you to try and get you to change your mind. Be strong.

[Nats_16]

I absolutely hate the situation I am in and I am not ordinarily a fool but I just don’t know how to walk away. We fight every day and it has made me a shadow of my former self please don’t let the same thing happen to you.

[Feelinbeachy21]

10 minutes ago, Nats_16 said:

I absolutely hate the situation I am in and I am not ordinarily a fool but I just don’t know how to walk away. We fight every day and it has made me a shadow of my former self please don’t let the same thing happen to you.

I also don’t really know how to walk away. I’m strong in my decision at the moment but I know that when he comes over after work today there is a good chance that I will back out of it. We haven’t had a d-day yet but I just can’t put myself through this any longer. It’s already destroying me. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Feelinbeachy21 said:

 I know that when he comes over after work today there is a good chance that I will back out of it. . It’s already destroying me. 

Stop the self destruction. He knows you are lonely and desperate.

It's on you to stop letting him use your place as his lovenest. Stop chatting all day.

The time you are wasting on a cheater/liar is time you could spend finding a decent man. You're not the victim here. His wife is.

[elaine567]

12 hours ago, Feelinbeachy21 said:

9 months ago and I get a text out of the blue from him to say hi and ask how I’m doing.

This all sounds a bit fairy tale like and the basis for a  Rom-Com, but in  reality it is not that uncommon.
Men (usually) bored in their marriage start looking around for an OW.
IRL, it can be difficult to find a willing woman, so he starts looking through his proverbial "black book" for likely suspects.
Old gfs, ex wives, ex work colleagues, women who had crushes on him... anyone who might be persuaded to give him a chance due to nostalgia... etc. etc.
He sends a quick catch up note on social media and if she is interested, eventually he throws in the "I never really got over you" line and she is hooked.
Women love that romantic stuff, they then ignore his marital status and he has accomplished his goal - to get an OW...

[Feelinbeachy21]

21 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This all sounds a bit fairy tale like and the basis for a  Rom-Com, but in  reality it is not that uncommon.
Men (usually) bored in their marriage start looking around for an OW.
IRL, it can be difficult to find a willing woman, so he starts looking through his proverbial "black book" for likely suspects.
Old gfs, ex wives, ex work colleagues, women who had crushes on him... anyone who might be persuaded to give him a chance due to nostalgia... etc. etc.
He sends a quick catch up note on social media and if she is interested, eventually he throws in the "I never really got over you" line and she is hooked.
Women love that romantic stuff, they then ignore his marital status and he has accomplished his goal - to get an OW...

The thing is this isn’t the first time we have been in contact over the years that we were apart. 
Every other time I was in a relationship and he never tried anything. 
move text him this morning to say we need to talk later so I think he knows what’s coming now 

[BaileyB]

Don’t underestimate the fact that he is in a committed relationship and stepping out on that woman to chase another - that’s not a man you should trust, not someone you really want in your life. 

When somebody shows you who they really are, believe them. 

Edited November 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[Beca L]

21 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Don’t underestimate the fact that he is in a committed relationship and stepping out on that woman to chase another - that’s not a man you should trust, not someone you really want in your life. 

When somebody shows you who they really are, believe them. 

Couldn't agree more. Wish I had recognised that 4 years ago, I made the biggest mistake of my life and it still haunts me to this day. How can any ow/om think that a mm/ mw is a prize to be sort after when they are on the other hand disrespecting another relationship. You can't trust this man and he doesn't deserve you, walk away asap. 

[BeaNeverLearns]

On 11/4/2020 at 7:56 PM, Feelinbeachy21 said:

I apologise, this may be a long one. 
9 months ago my high school sweetheart got in touch with me again after 10 years of no contact. Now a bit of back history, we met at the age of 14 and were madly in love but broke up at 17 after the devastating loss of our baby. I have been in love with him since I was 14 and I am still in love with him now. He did not know this. 
We have had contact over the years but he went on to get married while I was in another relationship. 
fast forward to 9 months ago and I get a text out of the blue from him to say hi and ask how I’m doing. We talked everyday for a month before we met up for coffee. The second time we met up for coffee he tried to kiss me and I resisted. But barely. 
Anyway the short story is that we met up a few more times and after talking a lot I discovered that he has also never got over me and claims he has been in love with me all these years as well. 
It’s now been 7 months of him telling me that he is going to leave his wife so that we can be together but it never actually happens. He insists that he is going to but can’t tell me when this will happen or what is stopping him from doing it. 
because it’s him and because of our history I just can’t imagine him stringing me along. 
I suppose what I’m asking is, am I deluded for thinking that he will make good on his promises? 
can someone change that much that he would be willing to hurt me after everything that we went through together? 
I just don’t know what to do xx

 

Feelingbeechy21

Look through all the threads here. They all say the same thing, they all can't be wrong. I'm guessing, like me, you were searching for some answers and you stumbled upon this website. I was back and forth on this merri-go-round with my MM and it was and still is destroying me. I issued him a no contact after seeing happy pictures of him on facebook with his wife and kid and it was the punch in the gut that I needed to see. It's three weeks today and I haven't contacted him. I feel sad and hurt and grief and sorrow and anger and most of all stupid. This is not the longest I've ever been without him, but It's the most resolute I have been. You can do it. If you stay, you stay with uncertainty, if you leave, and do not contact again, you leave with the certainty that you'll move forward and get over him. It will be hard, but you can do it. We all do, and we all have done. You won't like some of the things that are being said, but deep down you know they are true.  Step away now, before anyone else gets hurt and you get in deeper and deeper. I wish you well. 

Bea.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 11/4/2020 at 11:56 AM, Feelinbeachy21 said:

I apologise, this may be a long one. 
9 months ago my high school sweetheart got in touch with me again after 10 years of no contact. Now a bit of back history, we met at the age of 14 and were madly in love but broke up at 17 after the devastating loss of our baby. I have been in love with him since I was 14 and I am still in love with him now. He did not know this. 
We have had contact over the years but he went on to get married while I was in another relationship. 
fast forward to 9 months ago and I get a text out of the blue from him to say hi and ask how I’m doing. We talked everyday for a month before we met up for coffee. The second time we met up for coffee he tried to kiss me and I resisted. But barely. 
Anyway the short story is that we met up a few more times and after talking a lot I discovered that he has also never got over me and claims he has been in love with me all these years as well. 
It’s now been 7 months of him telling me that he is going to leave his wife so that we can be together but it never actually happens. He insists that he is going to but can’t tell me when this will happen or what is stopping him from doing it. 
because it’s him and because of our history I just can’t imagine him stringing me along. 
I suppose what I’m asking is, am I deluded for thinking that he will make good on his promises? 
can someone change that much that he would be willing to hurt me after everything that we went through together? 
I just don’t know what to do xx

 

 

Consider that most of the huge, heavy """value"""  in your mind and heart, to him, is what you HAD.

 

If he promised  that he is an insincere, cheating and dishonest person... then he is already making good on his promises.

 

Otherwise, this is all a waste of your time.

 

You DO share with him a roller-coaster path of extreme experiences known as teens...   but you're both supposed to be better people by now:

 

Are you??

 

 

[Commongoal123]

He's stringing you along for the reasons others have already pointed out here.

Also... hes married.  Regardless of your history together, it's been 10 years.  People change every day.  Every hour.  And especially after 10 years.  Some things might still be the same but I highly doubt he is the same guy you know as a teenager.  Also... he's practicing infidelity with his current partner.  Why would you ever want to be with someone who is showing that they are willing to behave like that?  It's a clear sign that he is capable of doing it with you in the future. 

This isn't worth the heartache.