An 17 years old man grounded by mother .

[JimPatel]

Hello, I am Jim and I am almost 17 years old. I live with my mother (42), my stepfather (37) and my half-brother (9). Here’s my problem:

10 days ago I brought my girlfriend to the house and we spend the weekend together. Unlike my girlfriend, I didn’t hid it from my parents and it wasn't the first time we spent the night together, I can remember at least 4 more weekends. But this time there was an incident. At about 1:00 am as we were having sex, my brother came to my room and saw us. He immediately closed the door and left the room. It was awkward for both of us but I told her it’s nothing. The next morning we had our breakfast and she went back to her home. Then my mother confronted me and told me that my brother went to my their room and was crying the whole night cause of what he saw. We were arguing and she was blaming me for everything like a typical mother:

 

You are are selfish, careless, worthless like your father!

You don’t care about anyone except yourself!

What if you caused a trauma to your brother!

Your brain is non-functional!

My step father was trying to support me telling her

Let the boy have fun, now that he is still young.

But he is completely powerless against my mom. She told him not to interfere when she is trying to beat some sense to her own son. So the conclusion was me getting grounded for 1 month. Which means no PC, no motorcycle, no girls in the house for 1 month. My mother never punished me after my 12th birthday and it seemed so stupid for a man who is almost 17 years old to get grounded. I didn't accept her punishment, since she didn’t gave me much of a choice banning everything from me except my smartphone. So … not only I used my motorcycle, I even brought my girlfriend to the house for this weekend again and we saw a movie on my PC. My mom had seen us but she didn’t said anything in front of my girlfriend, I didn’t knew she had a hidden agenda though.

Once my girlfriend left the next morning, I took a bath and when I finished I just couldn’t believe what my mom did. She unplugged all of the PC cables and cut them with scissors. She took the mainframe computer and locked it to her closet telling me that she will break it if I take it back. She took my motorcycle's keys. She also told me that if I ever bring a girl to this house without her permission again she will embarrass me in front of her or even call her parents and tell them everything.

I was so angry about it, I tried to defend my actions but she just raised her hand pointing to my room, implying that I should just shut my mouth and go to my room. I went to my room and I even cried about it because I was so mad at that moment for being unable to do anything. Last time i cried was over 4 years. The next Monday, since it was the beginning of the month, my mom gave me my monthly allowance but instead of giving me 200 Euro like she used to she gave me 20 telling me that I don’t need much since there’s is an upcoming lockdown anyway. But I really believe she did that on purpose to punish me even more. Yesterday I asked her for how long am I grounded and she told me Till you learn to respect me.

This whole situation sucks. I even start to develop some hatred towards my brother even though I know it’s not his fault. Besides, the weekend is coming and I don’t want to lose it. My girlfriend also wants to spent the night at my home. I don’t want to tell her that I am grounded, that’s too embarrassing. I asked my step father for help but as I mentioned before he is too powerless against her. He gave me some money but he told me she would murder him if she ever finds out about it.

 

Is there anything I can do to convince my mom right now?

Would it be wise to disobey her again?

[Wiseman2]

Why are you having sex with your GF in your parent's house? She took your motorcycle keys? 

Edited November 4, 2020 by Wiseman2

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You're a minor. paying no bills for the house she's providing for you. She calls the shots.

Since she presumably KNEW about your girlfriend spending the night and your younger sibling walking in was presumably not your fault (I mean, you didn't invite him in there, did you? lol), she overreacted.  If she didn't want you having sex with your girlfriend she shouldn't have allowed her to sleep over.

Keep your nose down, you will live without having your girlfriend sleeping over for a bit, and you will live without your motorcycle.  Show some respect and you'll get it in return. 

Next time, make sure you ask for permission to have your girlfriend stay over and keep your bedroom door locked.

Edited November 4, 2020 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[JimPatel]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are you having sex with your GF in your parent's house? She took your motorcycle keys? 

Because that's where i live.

Yes she did. She also had my step father putting chains to it.

10 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

You're a minor. paying no bills for the house she's providing for you. She calls the shots.

Since she presumably KNEW about your girlfriend spending the night and your younger sibling walking in was presumably not your fault (I mean, you didn't invite him in there, did you? lol), she overreacted.  If she didn't want you having sex with your girlfriend she shouldn't have allowed her to sleep over.

Keep your nose down, you will live without having your girlfriend sleeping over for a bit, and you will live without your motorcycle.  Show some respect and you'll get it in return. 

Next time, make sure you ask for permission to have your girlfriend stay over and keep your bedroom door locked.

I asked my mom only the first time about bringing my girlfriend to the house. She was fine with it and she didn't set her rules, except of the basic "use protection" one. My girlfriend even told me i have a cool mom unlike hers. Because she let us spend the night together without any problem. Apparently she is not so cool after all.

And of course i didn't invite anyone, i just forgot to lock the door, i didn't thought somebody could be awake at 1:00 am.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Just now, JimPatel said:

Apparently she is not so cool after all.

 

Her house, her rules. When you're an adult and have your own place, you can make the rules.  

[Ruby Slippers]

I sounds like your mom was OK with your girlfriend spending the night, but not OK with you getting caught by your brother having sex with her.

It does sound like she's having an overly emotional reaction to what happened, but I don't know what else is going on in her life. 

As long as you live with parents, you live under their rules. If you don't like the rules, get a job and get your own place, where you make the rules. 

Maybe in time she'll forgive this and let your gf come back over. But you'd better put a lock on your door or figure out a better way of maintaining more privacy so this doesn't happen again.

[JimPatel]

1 hour ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Her house, her rules. When you're an adult and have your own place, you can make the rules.  

 

57 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I sounds like your mom was OK with your girlfriend spending the night, but not OK with you getting caught by your brother having sex with her.

It does sound like she's having an overly emotional reaction to what happened, but I don't know what else is going on in her life. 

As long as you live with parents, you live under their rules. If you don't like the rules, get a job and get your own place, where you make the rules. 

Maybe in time she'll forgive this and let your gf come back over. But you'd better put a lock on your door or figure out a better way of maintaining more privacy so this doesn't happen again.

I understand what you're saying but how am i supposed to find my own place since i am still going to high school? Those rules seem paranoid to me. What if i have to wait several months for her to calm down?

I really love this girl, and she is the first one with whom i 've spent the night. I don't want to lose her.

[Ruby Slippers]

Very few parents will let their teenage kids have their gf or bf spend the night. Some of them might let them into your room if you keep the door open the whole time.

Your gf isn't going to leave you because she can't spend the night anymore. Once you finish high school, you can think about getting your own place if you want. Or if you want to stay there past high school, your mom might ease up if you start contributing something to the household expenses. That will give you more say in house rules.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

49 minutes ago, JimPatel said:

 

I understand what you're saying but how am i supposed to find my own place since i am still going to high school? Those rules seem paranoid to me. What if i have to wait several months for her to calm down?

I really love this girl, and she is the first one with whom i 've spent the night. I don't want to lose her.

What's the rush?  You're still a kid.  You're 16.  I know at this age everything seems so huge, every day without seeing her seems like a year.  But.....you have plenty of time in your life to be a grownup.  Just enjoy your last few years of being a kid.  It's brutal out here!

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like you are somewhat spoiled.

[Ellener]

12 hours ago, JimPatel said:

You are are selfish, careless, worthless like your father!

You don’t care about anyone except yourself!

What if you caused a trauma to your brother!

Your brain is non-functional!

My step father was trying to support me telling her

Let the boy have fun, now that he is still young.

But he is completely powerless against my mom.

First off you are not worthless.

You were doing what any normal teenager does. And your mother should have expected that when she gave permission for your girlfriend to stay over and gave you advice about using 'protection'.

Your mother is wrong, what you need is a lock on your door if someone stays over with you.

How old is your brother? It sounds like she did not handle his distress well, sex is a normal natural thing, 

Apologise to your mother and brother but you actually did nothing wrong. You did what all the rest of us did at your age.

Now you will have to have a serious conversation with your mother about what exactly are the rules of her household.

[DarrenB]

Mothers sacrifice the world to provide for their offspring and older children, and with everything she has been saying it's obvious that through previous experiences she's had, it's taken a toll on her both mentally and emotionally.

Truth is, if you want to disobey the person who made you and who has provided you literally everything since birth then you're going to have to be able to provide from yourself - meaning moving out, getting a job etc.

Being a rebellious teen isn't going to help your case or your cause, it will simply be more detrimental to you the longer you continue to show a lack of respect towards your mother. If you show signs of maturity, obedience and basic respect then your mother may well just be a lot more lenient towards you

[Fletch Lives]

Rule number one kiddies - never forget to lock the door!

[Blind-Sided]

Real simple guy... "Almost 17" IS 16.  You are not a "Man" by any stretch of the word.  So... I can see why your mom is mad.  Your title here is a lie to us, and a lie to yourself.

Next... you live under your mom's roof.  I don't care if you are 30.  It's mom's house... it's mom's rules.  PERIOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So... DO NOT forget that.

So... you want to honestly earn some "man" points???  Apologize to your mother, and then to your brother.  Not at the same time... and do it with honesty. AND... accept your punishment, regardless if you think it's fair or not.  You should hold no ill will against your brother.  He is young, and doesn't understand. Then, sit down with your brother, and ask him if he has any questions about what he saw.  Since you live with your step dad... your brother may need you to give him the sex talk. 

And finally... before you get defensive about anything I said... we have all been there, and with age brings wisdom. You really won't understand that for another 20 years.

Good luck.

[notbroken]

Part of being a man is accepting that your actions have consequences.  You broke the rules.  You are paying the consequences for them.  Kids complain about that.  Some adults do.   

If you want to be able to do whatever you want, you'll have to get your own place.  Seems you are a few years away from that.  Find a way to live with that.  

[Pumaza]

Hmm..your mom is wrong talking like that to you.

And allowing a girl to stay with you. What she thought gonna happen??

Your lil bro shoulda stop being nosey. He shoulda stayed in bed.

This is a accudent,your mom need to learn to have convo as parent instead of saying nasty stuff just.

Maybe it wasnt smart for you guys to have sex there. But if your mom allow girl in your bed, she kinda show you no boundaries of what she allow or no. 

Just dont do it again. If you can talk more easy with your stepdad,talk to him about it.

Dont worry,soon it all will calm down and you can talk with your mom about it .All the best.

[Pumaza]

Huh so she told you before no girl allowed to stay?,You did this sneaky????Or she allowed girl but ddnt want you to have sex?

[JimPatel]

  

12 minutes ago, Pumaza said:

Hmm..your mom is wrong talking like that to you.

And allowing a girl to stay with you. What she thought gonna happen??

Your lil bro shoulda stop being nosey. He shoulda stayed in bed.

This is a accudent,your mom need to learn to have convo as parent instead of saying nasty stuff just.

Maybe it wasnt smart for you guys to have sex there. But if your mom allow girl in your bed, she kinda show you no boundaries of what she allow or no. 

Just dont do it again. If you can talk more easy with your stepdad,talk to him about it.

Dont worry,soon it all will calm down and you can talk with your mom about it .All the best.

 

8 minutes ago, Pumaza said:

Huh so she told you before no girl allowed to stay?,You did this sneaky????Or she allowed girl but ddnt want you to have sex?

No you didn't understand. The first time i brought my girlfriend to my home, in June, i asked my mother's permission. She let me bring her and she was full aware that we will spent the night together since she told me to use protection.

12 days ago I think it was the fifth time my girlfriend came to spent the night together. At that night my brother accidentally came to my room and saw us having sex. The next morning me and my mother had an argument about that so she punished me for a month. But i thought she was bluffing. I ignored her and brought my girlfriend again the past weekend. My mom had seen us but she decided not to do anything in front of my girlfriend. The next morning after my girlfriend left, my mom hide my keys, cut the cables and took the PC. She also told me if i disobey her again she will embarrass me in front of my girlfriend and may even tell her parents.

 

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like you are somewhat spoiled.

You really sound like my mother  

Althought it's not far from the truth.

If i am somewhat spoiled it's because of my step-father. When i was 8 years old he married my mother and moved to our house. Since then he is doing whatever i wanted to. He bought me toys, bicycle, an electric quad bike, video game consoles, PCs (more than two). He even took the blame for buying me the motorcycle because my mom wouldn't even wanted to hear about me riding a motorcycle. He never raised his voice against me or anyone else. He is cool, we still play video games together whenever he has free time.

 

4 hours ago, Ellener said:

First off you are not worthless.

You were doing what any normal teenager does. And your mother should have expected that when she gave permission for your girlfriend to stay over and gave you advice about using 'protection'.

Your mother is wrong, what you need is a lock on your door if someone stays over with you.

How old is your brother? It sounds like she did not handle his distress well, sex is a normal natural thing, 

Apologise to your mother and brother but you actually did nothing wrong. You did what all the rest of us did at your age.

Now you will have to have a serious conversation with your mother about what exactly are the rules of her household.

She is mad because i disobeyed her the first time. And i have a lock on my door, i just forgot to lock it. That was my mistake.

My brother is 9 years old.

2 hours ago, DarrenB said:

Mothers sacrifice the world to provide for their offspring and older children, and with everything she has been saying it's obvious that through previous experiences she's had, it's taken a toll on her both mentally and emotionally.

Truth is, if you want to disobey the person who made you and who has provided you literally everything since birth then you're going to have to be able to provide from yourself - meaning moving out, getting a job etc.

Being a rebellious teen isn't going to help your case or your cause, it will simply be more detrimental to you the longer you continue to show a lack of respect towards your mother. If you show signs of maturity, obedience and basic respect then your mother may well just be a lot more lenient towards you

I wouldn't say i am a rebellious teen. All three of us do whatever task she tells us to do.

It may seems kinda funny but we all are somehow afraid of her and respect her. When my brother does something bad in front of me i am jokingly blackmailing him. 'I am gonna tell mom' and he gets anxious. My step dad does the same to me and his son. 'I am gonna tell your mom you didn't wear your crash helmet if you score another goal against me'. And we always let her have the last word.

But i don't believe i can show any sign of maturity to her right now, i really don't know what she expects from me.

14 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

What's the rush?  You're still a kid.  You're 16.  I know at this age everything seems so huge, every day without seeing her seems like a year.  But.....you have plenty of time in your life to be a grownup.  Just enjoy your last few years of being a kid.  It's brutal out here!

 

30 minutes ago, notbroken said:

Part of being a man is accepting that your actions have consequences.  You broke the rules.  You are paying the consequences for them.  Kids complain about that.  Some adults do.   

If you want to be able to do whatever you want, you'll have to get your own place.  Seems you are a few years away from that.  Find a way to live with that.  

14 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Very few parents will let their teenage kids have their gf or bf spend the night. Some of them might let them into your room if you keep the door open the whole time.

Your gf isn't going to leave you because she can't spend the night anymore. Once you finish high school, you can think about getting your own place if you want. Or if you want to stay there past high school, your mom might ease up if you start contributing something to the household expenses. That will give you more say in house rules.

You don't understand, i was one of those guy who somehow mocked those kinda of boys who were punished by their parents because it seemed to me so strange that a 15-18 years old guy is still getting grounded and now ... How can i tell that to my girlfriend? She is already texted and asked me about this weekend. What now?

 

9 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Real simple guy... "Almost 17" IS 16.  You are not a "Man" by any stretch of the word.  So... I can see why your mom is mad.  Your title here is a lie to us, and a lie to yourself.

Next... you live under your mom's roof.  I don't care if you are 30.  It's mom's house... it's mom's rules.  PERIOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So... DO NOT forget that.

So... you want to honestly earn some "man" points???  Apologize to your mother, and then to your brother.  Not at the same time... and do it with honesty. AND... accept your punishment, regardless if you think it's fair or not.  You should hold no ill will against your brother.  He is young, and doesn't understand. Then, sit down with your brother, and ask him if he has any questions about what he saw.  Since you live with your step dad... your brother may need you to give him the sex talk. 

And finally... before you get defensive about anything I said... we have all been there, and with age brings wisdom. You really won't understand that for another 20 years.

Good luck.

I will be 17 in December so it's not a big deal.

My brother is 9 years old, he is still young for the sex talk, right? And there is no problem, my step father is his biological father, so since my step father gave me the sex talk he can do this to his biological son without any difficulty, i am not sure if i can, i am not good at those things.

Ok, i promise i will apologize to my brother tonight and to my mother tommorow. Let's just hope she 'll let me bring me girlfriend this weekend, i really don't care about the money the PC or the motorcycle.

[d0nnivain]

19 hours ago, JimPatel said:

Is there anything I can do to convince my mom right now?

Would it be wise to disobey her again?

You are 16.  OK, soon to be 17 in December but that doesn't make you a man.  You can't legally drink or vote so slow down. 

However since you want to be a man you have to address this maturely & calmly.  Take a few deep breaths & marshal your the points you want to make.  You must show some empathy for your 9 year old brother.  To a kid what you were doing, having sex with your GF, looked violent & painful.  He doesn't understand & he got upset.  Don't discount his point of view. 

First apologize to your mom for upsetting your little brother by forgetting to lock that door.  Understand that slip up -- you being irresponsible & forgetting -- is what caused this mess.  Your mom was being incredibly understanding by allowing your GF to sleep over in the 1st place.  Personally I think your mom is irresponsible on that score but you are her child & that decision is hers. 

Once you apologize, calmly remind your mom that she is the one who gave you permission for the GF to sleep over.  Then ask her to reconcile that permission with her decision to ground you.  Explain that the punishment doesn't fit the infraction.  Point out that it was your brother's mistake for walking into the same room & that you are very sorry he saw something he shouldn't have.  Ask her how she would have handled it if your little brother accidently walked in on her & your step father.  

Then ask her to rescind the grounding.  

One final point -- your mother's decision to cut expensive cable cords with scissors was spiteful & irrational.  Now somebody has to pay money to replace them because she acted emotionally.  She doesn't sound like a stable rational person so all the logic in the world may not convince her.   Just be diplomatic when you speak to her or your punishment will be extended for you being fresh & talking back to her.   

[MrPlop]

None is mentioning how she hid it from her parents though. Imagine having some angry dude knocking at your door at 3 am with a gun looking for his daughter, damn....

[DarrenB]

28 minutes ago, MrPlop said:

None is mentioning how she hid it from her parents though. Imagine having some angry dude knocking at your door at 3 am with a gun looking for his daughter, damn....

The younger generation has a tendency to ignore any repercussions they may face for their actions... only to regret it when it hits them like a ton of bricks.

 

[Annonymous1234]

1 hour ago, MrPlop said:

None is mentioning how she hid it from her parents though. Imagine having some angry dude knocking at your door at 3 am with a gun looking for his daughter, damn....

This is the part that stuck out to me, too. I thought I maybe misunderstood the situation, but appears not . . . It appears that the OP's mother is colluding with his girlfriend lying to her parents. 

Edited November 5, 2020 by Selkie1111

[JimPatel]

2 hours ago, Selkie1111 said:

This is the part that stuck out to me, too. I thought I maybe misunderstood the situation, but appears not . . . It appears that the OP's mother is colluding with his girlfriend lying to her parents. 

Oh come on guys i feel like you are somehow forcing me to say some more personal details about me. Look It's not that simple.

Last year on my 16th birthday my step father took me to this particular place where 'boys become men'. Once i realized the reason he brought me to that place, i told him i don't want to do it yet because i am in love with a girl whos corresponding to my feelings and this just wasn't right. He thought i was lying to him because i was afraid, but i conviced him about it. He even revealed to me that my mother told him to take me to that place and he kinda felt obliged to complete my 'transformation'. That's why he agreed on helping me, he bought me a motorcycle, he convinced my mom to give me 200€ per month and was supporting me by any means. Everything was ok. She was officially my girlfriend and i really love her. But in late February 2020 Covid-19 hit our doors. We were all afraid in the beginning and we locked up in our home. My mom didn't let me get out of the house for the first few weeks. In May the situation was much better. My girlfriend visited us and she met my mom. They gοt along very well with each other. Μy girlfriend doesn't have a very healthy relationship with her mother unfortunately. They keep on arguing all the time. She even told my mom that she is so cool and that i am so lucky to have a mother like her. Before asking my mom's permission to bring her home i told my step father to convice my mother about it. He told her 'she's his first relationship' 'let's not be an obstacle'  and things like that. I suspect he MAY even told her that i ve never done it before. The point is she agreed. So after getting her permission i brought my girlfriend again and again and again and again without asking my mother. I don't know if she was mad for me not asking her again. I don't know if she used my lil brother's incident as an excuse to show me 'whos the boss'. I don't even know if she is jealous of me and my current life. I just know that right now she is mad with me and i feel like i am her b!T$H.

I love my girlfriend, i already think of her as my wife, i am sure i'll fall in depression if i lose her. But my mother doesn't seem to understand me at all 😠

 

4 hours ago, MrPlop said:

None is mentioning how she hid it from her parents though. Imagine having some angry dude knocking at your door at 3 am with a gun looking for his daughter, damn....

She lives with her younger sister and her mother, her father travels a lot, i am not sure about his current location though, after the lockdown, but since she's texting me about the upcoming weekend i can only guess he is far away.

[MrPlop]

1 hour ago, JimPatel said:

Oh come on guys i feel like you are somehow forcing me to say some more personal details about me. Look It's not that simple.

Last year on my 16th birthday my step father took me to this particular place where 'boys become men'. Once i realized the reason he brought me to that place, i told him i don't want to do it yet because i am in love with a girl whos corresponding to my feelings and this just wasn't right. He thought i was lying to him because i was afraid, but i conviced him about it. He even revealed to me that my mother told him to take me to that place and he kinda felt obliged to complete my 'transformation'. That's why he agreed on helping me, he bought me a motorcycle, he convinced my mom to give me 200€ per month and was supporting me by any means. Everything was ok. She was officially my girlfriend and i really love her. But in late February 2020 Covid-19 hit our doors. We were all afraid in the beginning and we locked up in our home. My mom didn't let me get out of the house for the first few weeks. In May the situation was much better. My girlfriend visited us and she met my mom. They gοt along very well with each other. Μy girlfriend doesn't have a very healthy relationship with her mother unfortunately. They keep on arguing all the time. She even told my mom that she is so cool and that i am so lucky to have a mother like her. Before asking my mom's permission to bring her home i told my step father to convice my mother about it. He told her 'she's his first relationship' 'let's not be an obstacle'  and things like that. I suspect he MAY even told her that i ve never done it before. The point is she agreed. So after getting her permission i brought my girlfriend again and again and again and again without asking my mother. I don't know if she was mad for me not asking her again. I don't know if she used my lil brother's incident as an excuse to show me 'whos the boss'. I don't even know if she is jealous of me and my current life. I just know that right now she is mad with me and i feel like i am her b!T$H.

I love my girlfriend, i already think of her as my wife, i am sure i'll fall in depression if i lose her. But my mother doesn't seem to understand me at all 😠

 

She lives with her younger sister and her mother, her father travels a lot, i am not sure about his current location though, after the lockdown, but since she's texting me about the upcoming weekend i can only guess he is far away.

Then let's change the "angry dude" to "angry guardian", just remember someone might not be ok with her spending the night, I know I would not be too comfortable if I had teen daughter not coming home and in bed with some stranger (yes you're a stranger, as long as they are concerned you're the boyfriend and that's pretty much all they know about you no matter what you tell them). I'm sure you will one day relate to this. Just remember there are always two sides of the story, there is a reason why she might not get along with her parents, she might have her faults too you know, my point.

OP yes your mom might have freaked out and overreacted, she might be unsure/afraid she'd given you too much "freedom", and not to be a d!@$ and hurtful but her marriage to your father did not work out (for whatever reason we don't need to know) so she's feeling a lot of pressure to raise you good too dude, but at the end of the day it is HER house and I'm sure she worked very hard to be where she is, imagine not knowing at all times what's going on inside your own house.

One question though, why don't you go stay at her place then?

Lastly OP I know this is very serious to you right now but in 10 years you'll crack a 12 pack with your friends and remember that time you got caught having sex by your lil bro and probably laugh.

Edited November 5, 2020 by MrPlop

[Pumaza]

Ok,i understood what you wrote.So now you explained more. Looks like you are just being a rebel.So dont look up if she punish you. You do sound a bit spoiled.But your mom seemsbto be enabling you to.