An 17 years old man grounded by mother .

[JimPatel]

 

15 hours ago, MrPlop said:

One question though, why don't you go stay at her place then?

Because there is no chance her mother will allow her.

15 hours ago, MrPlop said:

Lastly OP I know this is very serious to you right now but in 10 years you'll crack a 12 pack with your friends and remember that time you got caught having sex by your lil bro and probably laugh.

That's true.

22 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

One final point -- your mother's decision to cut expensive cable cords with scissors was spiteful & irrational.  Now somebody has to pay money to replace them because she acted emotionally.  She doesn't sound like a stable rational person so all the logic in the world may not convince her.   Just be diplomatic when you speak to her or your punishment will be extended for you being fresh & talking back to her.   

I have to defend her on that one, not because she did the right thing but because my PC cables were so messed up and I am sure she has no idea about PCs, that’s why she just cut the cables so she could easily release the mainframe. If she just asked me to do it, we both now I wouldn’t, that’s why she acted like this.

I calculated the damage. It’s about 75 €.

22 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

However since you want to be a man you have to address this maturely & calmly.  Take a few deep breaths & marshal your the points you want to make.  You must show some empathy for your 9 year old brother.  To a kid what you were doing, having sex with your GF, looked violent & painful.  He doesn't understand & he got upset.  Don't discount his point of view. 

I apologized to my brother and asked him to have a talk with me about it. How he felt, if he hates me, if he is still thinking about it. But he seems ok. I also asked him what did he saw and what exactly did he told mom and, well it appears his timing was bad. But the worst feeling for me right now is the realization that my mom knows a detailed moment about my sex life. Gross, shame, disgust 🤮

Judging from his point of view I … really don’t know. My step father gave me the sex talk when I was 11 years old. At 9, I was a complete ignorant about sex. I didn’t even knew that male and female sex organs can be used for something else except the obvious uses. Yeah sure I was seeing people kissing each other or even making out but I thought that’s final stage of an engagement.

Finally I promised him I’ll let him play video games in my PC once mom calms down and returns the mainframe back to my room and do whatever reasonable things he wants me to.

I also apologized to my step father because he is such a good father-friend and I kinda feel responsible for almost traumatized his only son. But we are cool, he is giving me door’s keys to make fun of me 😆.

23 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

First apologize to your mom for upsetting your little brother by forgetting to lock that door.  Understand that slip up -- you being irresponsible & forgetting -- is what caused this mess.  Your mom was being incredibly understanding by allowing your GF to sleep over in the 1st place.  Personally I think your mom is irresponsible on that score but you are her child & that decision is hers. 

Once you apologize, calmly remind your mom that she is the one who gave you permission for the GF to sleep over.  Then ask her to reconcile that permission with her decision to ground you.  Explain that the punishment doesn't fit the infraction.  Point out that it was your brother's mistake for walking into the same room & that you are very sorry he saw something he shouldn't have.  Ask her how she would have handled it if your little brother accidently walked in on her & your step father.  

Then ask her to rescind the grounding.  

I think that's what i'll do today. Apologizing to her will be the hardest apology. Thank you for your guides. I am not sure if they ll work on her but i ll give a try.

[Ellener]

On 11/5/2020 at 9:29 AM, JimPatel said:

If i am somewhat spoiled it's because of my step-father. When i was 8 years old he married my mother and moved to our house. Since then he is doing whatever i wanted to. He bought me toys, bicycle, an electric quad bike, video game consoles, PCs (more than two). He even took the blame for buying me the motorcycle because my mom wouldn't even wanted to hear about me riding a motorcycle. He never raised his voice against me or anyone else. He is cool, we still play video games together whenever he has free time.

That's lovely. 

22 hours ago, JimPatel said:

Last year on my 16th birthday my step father took me to this particular place where 'boys become men'.

That's NOT lovely.

I am guessing there's weird stuff been going on in your household? My social work radar is up.

Is that why your brother was so upset? Seeing people having sex isn't usually so traumatic. I'm guessing it was nothing to do with you and everything to do with your step fathee

 

 

[JimPatel]

21 hours ago, Ellener said:

That's NOT lovely.

I am guessing there's weird stuff been going on in your household? My social work radar is up.

Is that why your brother was so upset? Seeing people having sex isn't usually so traumatic. I'm guessing it was nothing to do with you and everything to do with your step fathee

 

 

Wait, what?

[Ellener]

6 minutes ago, JimPatel said:

Wait, what?

Oh ignore me, I haven't slept all week...what I mean to say, more kindly, is there could be better boundaries and communication. Sorry.

It'll blow over though, talk to your mother when she calms down. Does she know he took you to a place where 

21 hours ago, Ellener said:

Last year on my 16th birthday my step father took me to this particular place where 'boys become men'.

You mean a brothel? Bar? That seems odd choice of lesson for a sixteen year old in 2020 in today's world, but maybe it's no big deal some places. 

Good luck anyway.

[JimPatel]

On 11/7/2020 at 8:43 PM, Ellener said:

You mean a brothel? Bar? That seems odd choice of lesson for a sixteen year old in 2020 in today's world, but maybe it's no big deal some places. 

Good luck anyway.

Not really. I mean i was caught of guard back then but it's nothing special. If it was my biological father or at least someone i cosider as a father model then yeah, it could be kinda awkward but my step father is most likely my friend so it's ok. We often do jokes about women and girls when we are together.

On 11/7/2020 at 8:43 PM, Ellener said:

It'll blow over though, talk to your mother when she calms down. Does she know he took you to a place where 

He revealed to me that she was worried about me spending much time playing video games and told him to "do something" about my life implying to take me to a place like this. His words 😅

[JimPatel]

And by the way i still didn't talk to my mom about it, so i had to find an excuse to tell my girlfriend. Damn i feel like an idiot for lying to her about that.

Does anyone knows how to make an apology look like an honest one? Because i am trying my best to think a good one i am even writing one but it just seems so ... fake.

[healing light]

Just be honest with your girlfriend, it's what a "man" would do. Tell her your little brother walking in on you guys having sex had repercussions and your mom needs time to cool off from the fallout of that. So you need to abide by her rules until you can earn back her trust. In the meantime, you won't be able to have her spend the night.

Ultimately, your girlfriend should understand given that her mom won't allow it either. 

I find it disturbing that your stepfather took you to a brothel, I'm assuming to lose your virginity. That one has icky boundaries all over it, especially if it's true that your mom orchestrated it.

Edited November 8, 2020 by healing light

[elaine567]

I highly doubt that when your mother was worried about too much video game playing, that she meant for him to take you to a brothel!!!!  
That is one weird stepfather...

[Miss Spider]

Your mother should not be verbally abusing you like that. That’s not typical... at least I hope not. That’s abuse. 

[Ellener]

6 hours ago, JimPatel said:

how to make an apology look like an honest one?

Think it through then say what you mean, mean what you say!

[Wiseman2]

This is more about 16  y/o very spoiled kid having sex in his parents home and using divide and conquer tantrums to perpetuate getting his way, no matter how wrong and unreasonable it is.

[Miss Spider]

 I really cannot blame him for his behavior as much as I blame his parents. He is a youth and doesn’t seem to have the most stable upbringing.  His stepdad is taking him to brothels and his mother is calling him worthless like his father. Doesn’t  surprise me that he has having sex at 16 and being unruly. 

[JimPatel]

On 11/8/2020 at 10:46 PM, healing light said:

I find it disturbing that your stepfather took you to a brothel, I'm assuming to lose your virginity. That one has icky boundaries all over it, especially if it's true that your mom orchestrated it.

 

On 11/8/2020 at 10:59 PM, elaine567 said:

I highly doubt that when your mother was worried about too much video game playing, that she meant for him to take you to a brothel!!!!  
That is one weird stepfather...

Oh come on, it's not as simple as you make it look like. My mom was worried about "my life" about spending too much time on my PC, my phone, about not sleeping utill late. Told my step father to give me a boost for 'other things' she couldn't. And that's all. There's nothing strange from my point of view. He's more like a friend to me anyway. When me and my brother are playing video games with him my mom is calling us 'children' incuding him. And that's not because she the eldest family member, it's beacuse he is acting like one of us.

 

By the way my whole life i am hearing about evil step parents in fairy tales like the cinderella, hansel and gretel, Snow White, but in real life that's clearly not the case for me. I thought it happens only to female. It was so confusing to me,  when i was a kid. It's kinda funny 😆

[spiderowl]

It's possible your mum was getting resentful about you having your girlfriend round without confirming with your mum first that it was ok.  I know you asked her originally but best not to assume it is ok from then on.

It sounds like she overreacted to what your brother saw.  He was scared and upset and she was probably asleep and then rudely awoken by an upset 9 year old.  Nothing like losing sleep to make you lose your cool.  She probably didn't know what to say to the young boy either.

You both had an altercation about that incident, which is one thing, but thereafter you still took your girlfriend over there without asking permission.  I think that is where the lack of respect really hit home for your mum.  You were ignoring her concerns.  I realise you were not doing anything unnatural or wrong but leaving the door unlocked led to this unfortunate incident.

Your mum is probably shocked at her own reaction but is clearly angry with you for something, lack of respect.  I think what you need to do is to act like the man you want to be/are: apologise to her for upsetting your brother, say it was unintentional.  Ask her if she wants you to talk to him about it.

Apologise also for bringing your girlfriend back without checking with your mum first about it.  Tell her you never meant to be disrespectful.  Then, leave it for a while, let her think about it.  I suspect she will feel relieved that her concerns have been acknowledged and she may then bend  a little on the bans.  If she doesn't offer some olive branch, then you could ask if you can have your computer back.  Bear in mind she might have been annoyed about the amount of time you were spending on that too (I don't know, so I am only putting it out there that resentment might have been building before this incident).

Hopefully, your mum will offer some kind of olive branch and you will both have chance to have a calm, friendly chat about what you can/can't do.  Your mum allowed your girlfriend over before but she may have had doubts about that originally.  The unfortunate incident probably brought any fears rushing to the fore for her.  I hope this can be resolved with you both knowing where you stand and having reached a mature agreement.  Showing your mum you can be respectful whilst maintaining your dignity with her, will impress her I'm sure.  Just stick to the apology and don't engage in any arguing, remain polite and dignified.

 

Edited February 5, 2021 by spiderowl

[josedelamuerte]

On 11/5/2020 at 5:29 PM, JimPatel said:

i have a lock on my door, i just forgot to lock it. That was my mistake.

Yup. And in life you pay for mistakes.

At about 800 EUR in allowance reduction and a month of less freedom, this one's not that expensive.

Still, I feel for you. Hang in there.