What a mess I've made!

[Redoredo]

Been married thirteen years, since we were both nineteen. We have 4 kids. Wife caught me cheating, like really caught me on top of another woman. I've been living with the other woman for 9 months now. I'm in love with her. My wife still wants to work things out, but wants me to go no contact with the OW and move out of state. I'm so in love with the OW I get physically sick when we're apart. But I feel like I owe it to my wife to try and love her again. But im really afraid that if I don't build a life with the OW, I'll regret it forever. Please help!!!

[DKT3]

Help you with what? Making a decision?  No one can help you with that, man up make a decision and stick to it.

You owed your wife fidelity,  don't repay her for that by going back and forth between the two. 

[Redoredo]

Yes, help with making a decision. 'Man up' doesn't work for everyone. I haven't made a decision, other than "what's for lunch," in thirteen years of marriage. I have no close friends or family except these two women. And I can't discuss one with the other! (I tried that, it didn't go over very well...)

[DKT3]

Maybe your problem is you don't want to lose either.  Truth be told, if you can't commit to your wife she will be better off without in the long run. 

My advice,  figure out what it's going to cost you to carry two households and move on with the other woman.  You've already convinced yourself you can't live without so whats there to decide?

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, Redoredo said:

I haven't made a decision, other than "what's for lunch," in thirteen years of marriage. 

Of course you have.   You would have made career decisions.  You would have made parenting decisions.  You would have had to make decisions about budgeting and housing.  You would have initiated date nights.  You would have had to decide what TV to buy.  

How about starting with a list of pros and cons for each side of decision

[DKT3]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Of course you have.   You would have made career decisions.  You would have made parenting decisions.  You would have had to make decisions about budgeting and housing.  You would have initiated date nights.  You would have had to decide what TV to buy.  

How about starting with a list of pros and cons for each side of decision

And he made the decision to be unfaithful 

[Milly May June]

If you really want to make a clear decision you need space. take a break from both women and reevaluate your feelings after 6 months or Longer. Move out, live on your own, stay NC with the OW to clear your head and start individual therapy to learn why you chose to cheat so you can Learn to be a safe partner in a commiteen relationship in the future. 

Also read up about affair fog. Ask your self, what do you love about the OW? Do you love her as a person or how she makes you feel? And also, if you choose to R with your wife, are you prepared for the hard work ahead without any guarantee of sucess? Why do you want to R? Out of love for your wife, your kids or guilt? 

If you decide to stay with the OW, dont string your wife along and make it an amicable divorce. Spend time with your kids and give her time alone so she can focus on healing her self and in time find another man who will love and value her. 

 

 

[Redoredo]

I really haven't made decisions, or paid a bill, or picked out a tv. I was either working 100 hrs a week, or partying 100 hrs a week...

[Redoredo]

13 minutes ago, Milly May June said:

If you really want to make a clear decision you need space. take a break from both women and reevaluate your feelings after 6 months or Longer. Move out, live on your own, stay NC with the OW to clear your head and start individual therapy to learn why you chose to cheat so you can Learn to be a safe partner in a commiteen relationship in the future. 

Also read up about affair fog. Ask your self, what do you love about the OW? Do you love her as a person or how she makes you feel? And also, if you choose to R with your wife, are you prepared for the hard work ahead without any guarantee of sucess? Why do you want to R? Out of love for your wife, your kids or guilt? 

If you decide to stay with the OW, dont string your wife along and make it an amicable divorce. Spend time with your kids and give her time alone so she can focus on healing her self and in time find another man who will love and value her. 

 

 

Also, I've never been alone before. Ever. I'm definitely more involved with the kids now tho. I couldn't believe that I didn't know wat grade my daughter was in. But that's how disconnected I was from the family. We actually spend time together now. And my wife seems ok. There's actually a lot more to this story. But I don't know if u guys want to hear it. But I'll say this. The Truth is Stranger than Fiction!

[Wiseman2]

Lawyer up before your wife does. 4 kids and caught in the act and abandoned her?

You've positioned yourself nicely for your wife to take you to the cleaners and make child support and visitation just one of the many expensive, painful things ahead of you.

[Milly May June]

1 hour ago, Redoredo said:

Also, I've never been alone before. Ever. I'm definitely more involved with the kids now tho. I couldn't believe that I didn't know wat grade my daughter was in. But that's how disconnected I was from the family. We actually spend time together now. And my wife seems ok. There's actually a lot more to this story. But I don't know if u guys want to hear it. But I'll say this. The Truth is Stranger than Fiction!

OP, your wife is not ok. She is traumatised and this will unfortunetly have a lasting impact on her life regardless of the outcome of your marriage. Imagine being in her shoes. Her whole life is ripped under her feet and she is struggling to find her footing. You dont post much info about your situation but tell us more about your family. Does your wife work or is she a SAHM? Do you love your wife? Why are you disconnected with your family? How old is the OW? Is she married with kids or singel? 

About the alone part, perhaps this is what you need to face... Sometimes facing out biggest fears is what we need to do to grow. 

I will tell you this.. If your wife is giving you the gift of R, then you are a very Lucky man. Right now you are enjoying having two women fight over you. It gives you an ego boost. But in time your wife will realise you are no prize and dont add value to her life other then being the father to her children. By not making a decision and stickning to it and adressing your demons you will bring your bagage to your next relationships and the circle will repeat itself. Wake up dude. Take to a therapist to guide you... Your family nore your wife were the problem. Something inside of you is boken. Fix it. You deserve to live an aurhenic life and your kids deserve a dad who has his s*** togethet. And your wife, if you stay married, deserves a husband that is committed and reliable.

 

[Redoredo]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Lawyer up before your wife does. 4 kids and caught in the act and abandoned her?

You've positioned yourself nicely for your wife to take you to the cleaners and make child support and visitation just one of the many expensive, painful things ahead of you.

That's not wat I'm asking for help on. I mean, I knew 13 yrs that ago I'd be responsible for the financial support of my wife and children for life. I'm just having trouble figuring out if the love between the OW and I, is sustainable. I just want to carry on with the least amount of regret possible. I just want to be happy, while trying not to hurt and alienate these girls.

[elaine567]

26 minutes ago, Redoredo said:

I just want to be happy, while trying not to hurt and alienate these girls.

It's far too late for that.
There are no easy answers.
You need to make a decision and stick to it.
As you are in love with your gf, then how are you going to manage to stay away from her?
Your wife may want you back, 4 kids is no joke, but will she ever truly love you again, will she ever trust you?
Can you hand on heart promise to never cheat again?

When people are caught between two lovers then it is usually because neither on their own is "enough".
Your OW is not enough, else you would not hesitate to choose her.
Your wife is not enough, else you would have been heading home the minute your wife gave you the green light to return.

You are an immature man who has lived a live of "easiness", and so you feel entitled to both these women.
Time to grow up, live alone, sort out what it is you truly want from life, and leave these poor women alone.

Make sure you use adequate contraception, as a pregnant OW is the last thing you need...

Edited November 5, 2020 by elaine567

[Redoredo]

19 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It's far too late for that.
There are no easy answers.
You need to make a decision and stick to it.
As you are in love with your gf, then how are you going to manage to stay away from her?
Your wife may want you back, 4 kids is no joke, but will she ever truly love you again, will she ever trust you?
Can you hand on heart promise to never cheat again?

When people are caught between two lovers then it is usually because neither on their own is "enough".
Your OW is not enough, else you would not hesitate to choose her.
Your wife is not enough, else you would have been heading home the minute your wife gave you the green light to return.

You are an immature man who has lived a live of "easiness", and so you feel entitled to both these women.
Time to grow up, live alone, sort out what it is you truly want from life, and leave these poor women alone.

Make sure you use adequate contraception, as a pregnant OW is the last thing you need...

Thank u for your honesty

 

20 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It's far too late for that.
There are no easy answers.
You need to make a decision and stick to it.
As you are in love with your gf, then how are you going to manage to stay away from her?
Your wife may want you back, 4 kids is no joke, but will she ever truly love you again, will she ever trust you?
Can you hand on heart promise to never cheat again?

When people are caught between two lovers then it is usually because neither on their own is "enough".
Your OW is not enough, else you would not hesitate to choose her.
Your wife is not enough, else you would have been heading home the minute your wife gave you the green light to return.

You are an immature man who has lived a live of "easiness", and so you feel entitled to both these women.
Time to grow up, live alone, sort out what it is you truly want from life, and leave these poor women alone.

Make sure you use adequate contraception, as a pregnant OW is the last thing you need...

Th

 

20 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It's far too late for that.
There are no easy answers.
You need to make a decision and stick to it.
As you are in love with your gf, then how are you going to manage to stay away from her?
Your wife may want you back, 4 kids is no joke, but will she ever truly love you again, will she ever trust you?
Can you hand on heart promise to never cheat again?

When people are caught between two lovers then it is usually because neither on their own is "enough".
Your OW is not enough, else you would not hesitate to choose her.
Your wife is not enough, else you would have been heading home the minute your wife gave you the green light to return.

You are an immature man who has lived a live of "easiness", and so you feel entitled to both these women.
Time to grow up, live alone, sort out what it is you truly want from life, and leave these poor women alone.

Make sure you use adequate contraception, as a pregnant OW is the last thing you need...

Thank you for your honesty. These are the things I need to hear from someone who is unbiased. And the contraception issue; well, it isn't an issue. The OW is 20 years my senior and cannot bear children.

Edited November 5, 2020 by Redoredo

[zouzbd]

Marriage is not just a walk by the seashore and enjoying the view ;

 

it is a decision to try again and again when failing  when it is a priority to one life ; 

you need to take a decision what is more important ? 

is it the sexual enjoyment you are having and the boosted ego of having 2 women racing for you ?!

do you love your kids ?

did you love really your wife ?

did she ignore you sexually all this time and you are now seeking hapiness somewhere else ;

you have for kids , so you were having sex with her all this time ; she devoted herself to you and was faithful ; the normal thing from a man in this position is to man up and be responsible ; rather than running away following desires.

 

my advise to you , is that just don't be a coward ; take a vacation and see nobody for a week , and take a final decision of what you want ;if I were you and your wife didn't traumatize your life earlier ( the thing that i see clear) ; then I would leave the other woman and work on fixing my marriage ;and change from your side is the baseline ;

if you are still hesitant at that time ; for god sake  divorce the poor woman and take responsibility to support your children ; they are innocent of your sins .

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Redoredo said:

. I just want to be happy, while trying not to hurt and alienate these girls.

How is cheating going to accomplish this?

[schlumpy]

What's the point of going back to your wife?

You are not in love with her. You can meet the family obligations you have and not be with her. 

But will you meet those obligations?

That's the question.

 

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, Redoredo said:

'Man up' doesn't work for everyone.

Yes it does.

You'll have to take responsibility for your actions sooner or later and if you have four children then you should just be doing what is best for them right now. They are your priority. You are setting a terrible example of how to treat women for one thing.

If you want to divorce your wife do it in a decent honest way, not by cheating on her.

 

 

[Amethyst68]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Lawyer up before your wife does. 4 kids and caught in the act and abandoned her?

You've positioned yourself nicely for your wife to take you to the cleaners and make child support and visitation just one of the many expensive, painful things ahead of you.

This won't matter,  the law will decide what the wife will get. Most places don't take adultery into consideration when divorcing anymore and there's also a cap on child support. 

Not to mention the wife's entitled to what she's owed legally. 

It's sad you've only gotten to know with your own children through this.  I may be wrong but I'm assuming it's because of your coparenting schedule so you've had no option but to become involved. I really hope you don't let them stay with you and the OW. It's way too soon for that.

I wouldn't even think about going back with your wife if you don't love her. It's only my opinion but I'd imagine you'll only grow to resent her and the marriage and probably cheat/ leave again. Your wife's been through a traumatic experience. You may think it sounds dramatic but to find you the way you describe must have been horrendous. Don't put her through the hell of trying to reconcile your marriage if you're only doing it because you feel obliged to. 

Edited November 5, 2020 by Amethyst68

[mark clemson]

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice above and I'm essentially reiterating some of the points mentioned:

Consider talking to a therapist about your fear of being alone. Addressing that will make it easier to make a decision. Get one with a lot of experience and try to suss out whether they have their own weird views or agenda (some do). If they seem to, find another one.

There is no "right" decision in a situation like this. No only because of the situation but because it's impossible for anyone to tell you what your relationship will be like 5 and 10 years down the road with whomever you "pick". You have to let go of your fear of uncertainty to a certain extent, and make what you hope is the best choice and go with that.

Edited November 5, 2020 by mark clemson

[pepperbird2]

I'm getting the vibe that I'm talking to a guy who is maybe 19, but with four kids, you must be older than that.
I would suggest to you that you really need to spend some time working on yourself. That means no OW, no wife , no one. Just you- and maybe a therapist.
I sounds to me like you really don't know yourself. You don't like to make decisions, and you;re looking for a "mommy" figure to make them for you.
Well, Peter Pan, it's time to grow up, for your kid's sake and yours as well. If you are going to be able to love someone else, you need to know and  love yourself first. You don't seem to know who "you" are at all.