How am I supposed to take this?

[mariemarsh99]

My boyfriend & I have been dating almost 4 years & have rented a house together for 2. Our landlord has decided to sell our house when our lease is up. My boyfriend has been discussing buying a house, but has always said he didn’t want to buy a house when we weren’t married. Now that we know we have to move, he is looking at houses to buy.. Where does this leave me? He wants me to live with him but I’m just not big on the idea of moving from our rental where my name is on the lease & we both pay half, to moving into his house that only his name is on & nothing is mine anymore. How would you feel about this? Any advice or am I crazy for caring? 

[FMW]

I would be bothered too, so no, I don't think you're crazy.  It changes the dynamic, you go from "equal" to him holding the upper hand being the home owner.  He probably doesn't think of that way, but it's not unreasonable for you to be bothered. 

Does he just never want to get married?  Or are you the one holding it off?  I think four years together is long enough to know whether or not that's ever going to happen.  

Talk to him openly and honestly, tell him what you're feeling and thinking.   

[Wiseman2]

Do you want to continue to live with him? If so make sure you have a rental agreement in place with everything carefully spelled out as far as who pays for what, what is split, shared etc. Very important Not to to do any work on or furnish his house. Anything you do while in a relationship and in a house you live in can be construed as 'a gift'. Do not buy a house together. 

[elaine567]

How old are  the two of you?

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that 4 years is more than enough time to figure out if you want to marry somebody. I never would have moved in without being at least engaged with a wedding date set. 

If I were in your place, I'd buy or rent my own place separately while he takes care of his place. If you're determined to keep living together, you can either pay rent to him, or let him pay the mortgage and you pay the utilities. Either of these is probably cheaper than renting your own place, so whether you end up getting married or not, you're not losing any money. Beyond rent or utilities, I wouldn't invest a penny into his house, as if you break up, you have no legal right to anything you've invested. 

[mariemarsh99]

We are only 21 & 22 years old. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, mariemarsh99 said:

We are only 21 & 22 years old. 

Don't move in with him and play house then. Live your own life. Why be his tenant and tie yourself to that drudgery? Get roommates, have fun,  etc. It Way too soon to marry.

[d0nnivain]

At your ages I certainly would not want to be married nor would I want to entangle myself in real estate ownership if I wasn't married. 

Financially if you pay rent to him in a house he solely owns or you pay rent to a stranger landlord, you are not harmed economically.  

Emotionally you are probably feeling like he's downgrading your relationship but he's not actually doing that.  

I think the subject bears more discussion.   Talk to each other about how you're feeling & your desires.  If you keep talking & opening up to each other you will probably come through this stronger.  

[mariemarsh99]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't move in with him and play house then. Live your own life. Why be his tenant and tie yourself to that drudgery? Get roommates, have fun,  etc. It Way too soon to marry.

It’s not quite playing house when we have already lived together for 2 years. 

 

[kismetkismet]

I wouldn't be bothered by that. At your age I wouldn't be rushing into marriage, and I definitely wouldn't be rushing into owning a house with someone I wasn't married to either.

That said, you'll have to work out the finances which may be trickier than renting. You should have a clear outline for cost expectations put together before he starts seriously looking at places. Since you'll still essentially 'renting' you should only have the responsibilities of a renter. You should only have to pay the average rent cost for your area towards his mortgage and he should have to cover all other costs - including any renovations or repairs etc. That's an investment in HIS house. But, you should have equal say in any non-permanent decorating, including furniture (which you can choose together, but should purchase separately). 

I get that it's a bit frustrating that he'll technically be the owner, but it won't change very much for you in a practical sense. If you were to break up, you'd have to move either way - whether it's out of a rental house or out of his house. 

Edited November 5, 2020 by kismetkismet

[MrPlop]

If you are both gonna be putting any money towards the house I don't why your name shouldn't be on the on mortgage, I don't think you have to be married for this though.

[MJJean]

5 hours ago, mariemarsh99 said:

Where does this leave me? 

It leaves you as your BF's tenant. As the homeowner he would be your landlord. You can write up a lease or not, but the bottom line is that you'd have tenants rights just as if you were renting from anyone else.

[MsJayne]

I've never approved of this type of arrangement because of the relationship. Different if you were sharing with a friend and they were going to buy a house, but paying a partner rent to help them get ahead in life while you get left behind is a recipe for a lot of resentment. He obviously wants to get an early start on home-ownership but knows he's too young to commit to marriage, so he's smart, but there's something not right about you potentially helping him acquire the asset because if you break up ten years down the track he's got a house and you've got zip despite contributing a sizeable portion.  Why can't you buy the house as business partners rather than as a couple? That way if you stay together you're ahead in the home-owning stakes, or if you break up one or the other can buy out the others share or just keep it as a mutual investment.  I would always strongly advise young women to try and do home ownership on their own if they have the income to service a mortgage because financial independence gives you so many advantages in life. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, MrPlop said:

If you are both gonna be putting any money towards the house I don't why your name shouldn't be on the on mortgage, I don't think you have to be married for this though.

Who said she was putting in money toward the house?  That would be buying the house together which the BF said he did not want to do.  

@mariemarsh99 Do NOT put money toward the purchase of this house if you are not going to be an owner.  If you are just going to live there, in a house he owns, you simply have the same expenses as in any other rental situation.  You'd just be paying him not a strange landlord.  

[MrPlop]

57 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Who said she was putting in money toward the house?  That would be buying the house together which the BF said he did not want to do.  

@mariemarsh99 Do NOT put money toward the purchase of this house if you are not going to be an owner.  If you are just going to live there, in a house he owns, you simply have the same expenses as in any other rental situation.  You'd just be paying him not a strange landlord.  

Again, IF she's gonna be putting money towards the house she needs to be in the mortgage. Otherwise I don't see what the problem is, if anything it's better because she would technically be renting without a lease she can leave at any time (or be kicked out at any time), if she signs a lease she'll be stuck with this guy in case things go south.

[ShyViolet]

So what's the alternative?  You buying a house together?  Is that what you want?  You are only 21/22 years old.  That is WAY too young to be rushing in to marriage or buying a house with someone.  Just because your landlord happens to be selling the building you are living in, that is not a reason for you to jump into this major life decision.

DO NOT have your name be on his mortgage or put money into his house, if he buys one.  Very bad idea.  If he buys a house, his name and only his name should be on it.  It would actually be a lot smarter and a lot safer for you to just pay him "rent".  Someday, down the line when you two are old enough, if you decide to get married, then you could either stay in that house, or he could sell it and you buy one that you actually pick out together.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, MrPlop said:

If you are both gonna be putting any money towards the house I don't why your name shouldn't be on the on mortgage, I don't think you have to be married for this though.

Never put your name on the mortgage of someone else's house.

.All that is is holding you financially accountable for a place you Do Not own because your name is Not on the Deed, which indicates ownership.

Over all it seems like he is addressing the need to vacate this apartment by buying a house. It's up to you to decide if you want to continue to live together. 

If he buys a place and you cannot afford it, yes, you'll be a tenant legally, but that means you'll have the same tenant rights that you do now.

Do not expect to partake in the ownership of the house unless you are legally married Before he buys it or you are co-owner on the deed (unlikely he'll do that).

And yes. Having a BF as your landlord will create a huge power differential. At any time he can give you adequate notice and ask you to vacate. Is that what you want?

Always keep in mind that this is not a committed relationship yet And as such your presence is not that of an equal partner, but rather a tenant paying down his mortgage and building equity in a house that's his, Not yours

Edited November 6, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Caauug]

Check your local laws or go see a lawyer. In your area you may qualify as "Common Law Marriage" Where you maybe entitled to half the value or equity of the property accumulated while living together after one or two years.... Seek professional advice for your area.... LS has members world wide and laws differ from country to country and between states or provinces.

If you do have the same rights as a married couple, it might be in your best interest to have proof that you have contributed to the value of the house and/or paid some of the mortgage. Do you see where I am going with this??? What are the chances of you living in this house as an owner (even if your name is not on the deed) and not adding some value to it in some way? New home owners always want changes, because they can.... You will want to help your BF with changes because they will be a benefit you also.... (nest building), it will happen. You may be able to get your name on the deed, even if you are not married. If you are "Common Law" and your name not on the deed and not on the mortgage and your BF defaults on the loan are you also responsible because you are "Common Law" and living there? Think about this and write down all your questions before you go.

Please, for you and your BF, go see a lawyer in your area and find out what your rights and obligations are. Home ownership is the largest investment what most people make in their life, get it right the first time. In some parts of the world, law offices offer the first 1/2hr free, get to the point, tell them your situation and ask the questions that need answers quickly. It will be your best spent money.... Even better if you get the free time and you are out before that ends.... 

PS: If it turns out in your favor to contribute to the mortgage, make a date to see a financial planner for you and your BF. Home ownership can be a lot of fun and hard work. If you are doing renovations DIY on a limited budget this can be very stressful and money will likely be a source for a few arguments. Get some ideas on money management, and living on a budget.  

 

 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Caauug said:

 living together after one or two years.... 

Agree she needs an attorney if she's foolish enough to move in with him. 

She adamantly stated that they have already lived as a couple for 2 years a d have been together for 4 years (since age 17) 

He's acting on the need to move out. Under no circumstances should she be listed on to the mortgage but not the deed.

It's as foolish as co-signing a loan. Under no circumstances should she be doing free DIY projects on a house that is not legally in her name. That is not recoverable if he asks her to leave.

It's very foolish to create this type of power differential by going from corenters to a tenant-landlord situation.

Edited November 6, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Caauug]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Under no circumstances should she be listed on to the mortgage but not the deed.

Like I said above, she has to check HER local laws. She might be there without signing..... Common Law, living at the residence and her name on the bank account the payments are coming out of could mean she is also legally responsible. Seek local professional legal advice.

 

 "Under no circumstances should she be doing free DIY projects on a house that is not legally in her name. That is not recoverable if he asks her to leave. "

Quote did not work....

Maybe she can, if the two years living together gives her same as marriage status under the local laws and her relations*** fails she could be awarded 1/2 the built equity in the house, or owe if house value has dropped. Seek local professional legal advice.

"It's very foolish to create this type of power differential by going from corenters to a tenant-landlord situation."

Yes agree 100%..... But it is an option. She should: Seek local professional legal advice.

Looking at it from BF PoV…. If she is unwilling to contribute toward the house because her name is not on the deed and she can't claim 1/2 on break up. He has to do 100% of house with no help? Ummmmmm….. I would hope there would be legal papers she would be signing before any marriage that states she has zero rights to the house or to any property paid for by the sale of that house. "No Free Rides" should go both ways. Or.... another reason not to get married if paper work is not fool proof?

We can speculate all we want but it comes down to her/them to put their emotions aside and find out what their legal rights and obligations are.

She has a lot to think about.... She really needs to: Seek local professional legal advice.

[Caauug]

11 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

 Just because your landlord happens to be selling the building you are living in, that is not a reason for you to jump into this major life decision.

Maybe not....

A number of years ago a co-worker came to me one night shift, he was upset his land lord had given him notice to move. The Land Lord had listed for sale, the unit my co-worker was renting. I asked how much was it listed for? He didn't know..... I asked how much would his bank lend him? He didn't know.... I told him to find out those two answers and come tell me good news tomorrow. He talked to his land lord, then his bank and had an offer in for the unit by the time I met him the next night. His repayments for the mortgage were less than his rent was. He never had to move. Sometimes major decisions can be simple. 

[MrPlop]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Never put your name on the mortgage of someone else's house.

As in mortgage I meant purchase agreement / ownership. It could be an investment and worse case scenario they'll be forced to sell and split the gains if they're not upside down.

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, Caauug said:

Check your local laws or go see a lawyer. In your area you may qualify as "Common Law Marriage"

Yes a lawyer would be required to assert such a claim but common law marriage is generally disfavored & has been discontinued in most places.  When it does exist, it usually requires a minimum of living together for 7 - 10 years, joint bank accounts & for the couple to hold themselves out to the world as being married.  

[Ruby Slippers]

Unless you're older/more mature and have been together for many years, it's a terrible idea to co-sign on a mortgage with someone you're not married to. 

This is not an ideal situation because you don't necessarily get any say in what house he buys, whereas as his fiancee or wife, you would.

Either rent your own place, or pay rent and/or utilities to your boyfriend in his house that he owns. In either case, no matter what happens, financially you'll be renting with the lower cost of having a roommate. Legally, that's all you are to each other right now - roommates.

[Watercolors]

OP I agree with everyone else who thinks you and your boyfriend are WAY too young to buy a house together. And it’s an absolutely terrible idea at your age to do that. You don’t have ten years of income from your employment history to provide for the bank that doles out home mortgages. Do you really think a bank is going to let two 21 year olds take on a 25 year mortgage? Um, I don’t think so. 

If you can’t see you and your boyfriend being together for the duration of the home’s mortgage, which is more than 5 years — try 25 to 30 years — then you should just keep it simple and stick with renting another townhouse together if you want to remain boyfriend and girlfriend. 

Now is the time to be financially sensible and buying a house at 21 years old is a really bad financial idea. You’d be saddling yourself to a tremendous amount of debt before you’ve even grown your career, let alone, grown your relationship with your boyfriend. 

Don’t buy a house together. If your boyfriend wants to buy a house, he will be your landlord and you will be responsible for half the mortgage. If you two break up, he’ll have to get roommates to help him cover half of his mortgage. 

Just continue renting. Keep the financial pressure off of yourselves until you’re both more financially stable with a longer financial history and some serious savings behind you, like 10K at least.