Marriage going downhill

[Ninja777]

Hi all

I feel ashamed even turning to forums for this but I genuinely feel I cannot speak to anyone about this and its driving me insane. I've been married to my wife for 18 months and we've been together for nearly 7 years. 

At the start of our relationship I was always told I was punching. She was and still is gorgeous. Funny, quirky, and a perfect body. 

Over the last year I would say we have sex about 10 times. She's gained alot of weight(lockdown hasn't helped as have I) and now she keeps saying she doesn't feel sexy. I couldn't even tell you what my wife looks like naked as she always hides it. I've always been massively into the gym and staying healthy and although she doesn't e joy it as much she always went a few times a week to keep in shape. 

Now she won't even get off the couch. We came to blows a few weeks ago when I said we needed to change and become more sexual again and hinted that if things didn't change then I couldn't see how our marriage would work( not the first time we've had this convo) and it's a few weeks kn and nothing had changed. I cook every night and make her pieces for work to try and help her diet but all she is interested in doing is working, eating, having a few drinks and sitting on the couch. And it's now breaking me down. 

I just can't live like this, I still love her but the attraction is fading quickly and she just doesn't seem to grasp the way I'm feeling despite telling her. I feel ill at the fact that I feel so shallow that physical attraction should be so important because that is not me but it is breaking me. I even see pictures of ex's now and feel slightly jealous. 

I honestly do not want to lose this woman and I do not have the heart to potentially break hers but this is killing me. 

 

Any help appreciated 

 

Xxxx

[Wiseman2]

You're known her 7 years? But the sex only tapered off since you got married?

You seem to blame her weight gain for this. Threatening divorce if she doesn't start putting out  and get to the gym and lose weight clearly hasn't helped and in fact probably created even more resentment.

It seems you've both gotten lazy and complacent. When things aren't happening in the bedroom, it's usually because the problems outside the bedroom keep mounting and festering.

Do you really think she doesn't sense your contempt and disgust?

While you are focusing on her weight and lack of sex, she's focusing on the lack of intimacy or connection to you and how you are pushing her away and threatening her.

Marriage therapy may help you better identify what's really going on.

Your post almost sounds like you have one foot out the door and you are ready to justify cheating or leaving.

Edited November 6, 2020 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

From your post it seems it is all about you.
Why do you think your wife now cannot seem to get off the couch?
She sounds depressed to me.

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you really think she doesn't sense your contempt and disgust?

^^^ this
This will kill her soul.

Women need to feel sexy and desirable and be full of the joys of spring to want to have sex with their man.
Sex is more complicated than just satisfying a primitive urge. 
Instead of trying to find out what was wrong with her, you have alienated her with your blame and shame approach. 
As you found out, laying down the law, demanding sex and threatening divorce had zero effect, in fact I would guess it made things 10X worse. 

[pepperbird2]

Wiat a minute...did I read that right? "come to blows"? Do you mean with words or fists?

[mark clemson]

A marriage where one of the partner's needs genuinely aren't being met is no fun to be in. As others are pointing out, it's quite possible her needs aren't being met either in some, possibly a bit more subtle, ways.

It seems like the most sensible thing to do would be an overt effort to "work on the marriage". This would entail buy-in from BOTH of you and yes a marriage counselor as a "referee" of sorts is probably a very good idea. Presumably, a return to health of the overall marriage would entail a return to a reasonable level of sexual activity along with other changes. Possibly there are mental or emotional health issues which need to be addressed as part of this, as has been suggested.

IF that attempt didn't work out, you would face the choice of either divorcing or staying in a marriage where your needs aren't being met. There are other alternatives, but those options tend to be almost as destructive to a marriage (and sometimes more destructive) as simply divorcing.

By the way, there is nothing to be ashamed about here. There are posts on this and similar boards about low or no-sex marriages (from both sexes) all the time. Extremely common issue.

Edited November 6, 2020 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

On 11/5/2020 at 2:28 PM, Ninja777 said:

All she is interested in doing is working, eating, having a few drinks and sitting on the couch. 

That sounds pretty much like what’s happening in my house these days... Seriously. 

Covid sucks. The workload is hard, the stress is high, the loneliness and the dark winter months have set in... accommodating to your ideal standard is probably not her priority right now. Is it possible that she is depressed, because that’s what it sounds like to me. If she is depressed, she is only one of many who are struggling with mental health these days. 

Cooking her healthy meals, pressuring her to exercise, and threatening divorce are unlikely to help. 

Edited November 7, 2020 by BaileyB

[Camper]

Instead of "coming to blows" with her over an issue that has afflicted many of us in these COVID days, how about taking a different approach? Maybe suggest some fun ways to reconnect and, in the process, get some exercise? How about inviting her to go for a ride to a place to go hiking? Maybe suggest a walk in a nearby park? There are ways to get outside, get fresh air, and enjoy one another's company while social distancing. It is amazing how a little fresh air and some FUN exercise can help boost one's mood. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree she sounds depressed. Have you considered marriage counseling? 

It is possible to stay healthy during this time. I eat light, work out most days, and with discipline have lost 10 pounds. 

But depression can certainly take a heavy toll on motivation. That seems to be the root issue. 

[gamon]

Well if you were having a boxing match she got off the couch at least.

 

[dangerous]

Although, you haven't said it, I bet there are other issues here other than her weight. For example, generally, arguing, having different interests and priorities. Is she self absorbed?/ unwell/ depressed? I ask this, as my ex-wife was the same, and it turned into sleeping in separate beds/ rooms/ and letting this become the norm, as the mutual interests and love all faded.