Getting close with female friends....advice please.

[dave_1966]

About a year ago a close female friend who I had not seen for a few years called me out of the blue. I had not seen her because my ex girlfriend, who I had split with, felt very threatened by her presence (that's another story though.)

 

The female friend, who I shall refer to as Ellen, called and arranged to meet to catch up on things. Ellen was having a affair with a married man behind her boyfriends back, and needed someone to talk to. She was being used by the married man, and having known Ellen 10 years I was able to explain to her exactly how she was being used. Her affair ended very predictably and I was proven right. Her boyfriend was working abroad, and got wind of what had happened. I told her to come clean and try to repair things with him. However over a period of several months I started spending a lot of time with her, being careful not to get too close for obvious reasons. She's very attractive and I knew I had to be careful with myself. Her relationship with her boyfriend was being eroded by her infidelity with the married man, and culminated with her being dumped by him and being told that he had a new girlfriend. That was 2 or 3 months ago. She didn't seem to acknowledge her role in the breakdown, and was very upset by effectively losing both men in a very short spell of time. I've always felt close to her, and started spending weekends with her to help her get back on track. I naturally started to develop feelings for her, pinching myself not to get TOO close. She invited me to sleep in her bed, just as a comfort thing with no sex, but I've been waking up with her draped around me. I took the view that I did not want to get sexually involved until her head had cleared. This has been going on for a couple of months, and I've enjoyed a certain level of intimacy with her. We went away for a city break to Italy a few weeks ago and I really enjoyed it. I feel that I've been floating around in this void between friendship and relationship, but I haven't wanted to rush it along and thought if anything did happen let it develop at its own pace. I've basically been nursing her I guess.

 

Anyway, I noted her calls becoming less frequent a few weeks ago and took the view that I'm not going to chase her. I would just be one of several guys chasing her if I did. The problem is that I think I do have feelings for her, not full blown love, but feelings none the less. I'm self employed, and she uses me to do work at the firm where she works. I've been working at her firm, and the other week she took the unusual step of asking me out to lunch with her and I figured there was significance to this. She told me that she had met a nice guy, that she didn't know if she should go for it with him or not as she says she still doesn't feel ready for a relationship and didn't want to hurt HIM. She was telling me this because she knew that her co-workers would be asking about him in front of me, clearly, and both of us could have been placed in a embarrasing situation

 

Over the last few weeks she has has become distant with me, and I've been distant with her. We went to a function together last weekend tho as I needed a 'partner' to go with, and she got very drunk and started to tell my friends how she thought I was gay when we first met years ago and proceeded to crack some jokes along those lines at my expense. Afterwards I drove her home, and when we got to her place I turned down her offer to come in and drove home. I ignored her text the next day, but when she called the following day for a chat I told her how offensive I found her 'jokes' and explained why (without mentioning the new guy, but more along the lines of just insulting me with those sorts of comments in front of friends) She apologised, saying that I was the last person she'd ever want to offend and saying it would never happen again. She cracked these jokes because we used to work with a guy who used to make jokes along these lines to me, where I couldn't fight back because I was making an awful lot of money out of him. Ellen clearly thought it acceptable, so I told her I was not taking this cr*p off ANYONE again.

 

 

The other thing that bothers me is that if she's with this other guy (and I think she is) and it explodes in her face again she'll be back on the phone asking me to put her back together, something I've just spent the last 3 months doing. Does what happened between us justify me being angry, or should I act like I don't care? I actually find it a bit emasculating to be honest, tho we shared the same bed regularly, my advances to her were largely brushed off. When she needed 'comfort' I was expected to cuddle and caress her, tho purely when SHE felt like it. The most offensive part of all this is that I feel I've been treated as a 'substitute gay male friend', something which a lot of women with a diet of watching shows like 'friends' probably yearn for. However, speaking as a heterosexual guy who's had quite a few very attractive girlfriends I have found this entire episode completely insulting. I think she realises this, unless she is so completely insensitive it's unreal.

 

To rub salt in to the wound, she called me early this morning to see if I was going in to the city centre, I was still in bed having flown in late last night from a job abroard. She was down the road (she doesn't live around here) and I can only assume she was en route from her new fellas place. She doesn't talk about him at all to me, and I think she realises that I'm not interested or impressed by the situation.

 

I've always fancied Ellen, but I'm appalled by the notion that in her eyes I'm nothing better than a emotional crutch for her when times are rough. Basically, never having been viewed by her as a 'sexual being" but a guy in a 'honorary skirt' (or worse, substitute gay male confidente). I still do work for her firm, and don't want to jeopardise that. At the same time I feel completely insulted,and don't know how to proceed with the 'friendship'. It certainly can't continue along the afore mentioned lines, and I need advice as to how to deal with her in the future when she calls up acting like everything's cool. Am I right to feel offended?

 

We're both in our thirties, by the way.

[CarmenIbanez]

What you are asking for, is for her to read your mind. You want to be treated like a boyfriend, but she has no idea. Your assumption that she knows you feel this way and continues to use your friendship is disingenuous.

 

Either you give her ALL the information and let her make an informed decision about how she wants to proceed, or you continue to be a friend. If she in fact considers you just a friend, then her treatment of you does not seem out of line (ie wanting to discuss her problems with you, not all that gay crap innuendo).

 

I hope that makes sense.

[dave_1966]

Well, sharing her bed, making passes on her that are rebuked....she's in a comfort zone with me that says substitute gay male friend. Her not talking about her new boyfriend to me, when in the past we've both shared heartaches, all says to me she's aware I have feelings but doesn't know how to handle the situation, and neither do I. It has nothing to do with assumption, and everything to do with her wanting to retain a friend who (in her books) will run and pander to her emotional aid when she needs it. And that includes waking up next to me with my arms around her, which makes me a emotional doormat. In that sense Carmen, her treatment of me is out of line and ammounts to a abuse of friendship. I didn't hear off her for several weeks, and only realise now this was because she'd met Mr New. In terms of giving her all the information she needs to make a informed decision about how to proceed, I just wouldn't go there. It would be a nail in the coffin for everything. Women don't appreciate this sort of stuff, and would run a mile. The point I make is that I feel we were beyond friendship, but not in a relationship either. And she knows that. So, I don't feel any the wiser about how to proceed.

[gypsycat]

I think you have her well figured out actually. Not sure she has completely cottoned on to your level of interest, but she is certainly aware of it to some degree, in that she has stopped revealing as much about other guys as she might have once. I don't think she is out to use you, but I think you are clearly irritated and rightly so as you are more interested than you once were, and the situation is getting under your skin a little. If you weren't as interested, would it irritate you as much? Possibly not.

 

I don't think she sees you as a substitute gay male friend, however I can see how you might see it that way. I wouldn't take the gay jokes too personally, although I think you were absolutely right to call her on it. If she was joking to other women on that note, then I would consider that a "compliment" of sorts, if it was to guys then forget what I said.

 

I think you need to spell out to her your level of interest and see how she reacts. But know that if you do that you can't go back to the way you were. You can still remain friends if she doesn't want to pursue that, but obviously not the same type of friends. So you need to be prepared for that. But you can't continue as you are right now. Give her the opportunity though, she may be surprised at how you feel. I don't know all the situation and the individuals involved so I could be wrong, but sometimes when women take this approach (the other guys, sharing a bed, telling you all their love life problems) they're trying to get a response from you, or you to pay attention.

[elijahBailey]

Sorry to hear about your situation Dave. The only respectable option left for you is to walk.

 

I respectfully disagree with gypsycat in that I think she's intentionally using you. Kiss my a*s if she doesn't know what she's doing to you. I have seen so many women like that it's not even funny and I have zero respect for women like that. She got busted on her affair and she got dumped by her MM; it's safe to say she's at the lowest point of her life. But guess what.....nice guy Dave comes along and she's like 'hey ya know what I was thinking....' So the next thing you know, Dave's become the rebound guy.

 

The biggest mistake you made, Dave, is to even think you could help her out of her mess. When my friend got divorced, she basically scoured the whole town lookin' for an emotional blanket; people in these situations are desperate for any validation and emotional support.

 

You were not wrong calling her out on her pathetic jokes. No one deserved that. And, lemme guess, she sounded really pitiful when she apologized right? And she looked really innocent and victimized the whole time right? She gives you the feeling that she feels everything you're feeling, right? Well, ya know what....... get the he!! out. Think self-preservation. Think about yourself. IMHO, you were f*cked big time. Sorry. See thru her smoke screen dude. You deserve better. Go thru the withdrawal or do minimal contact (since you still need her for work) and you'll be alright after a while.

[dave_1966]

Thanks Gypseycat, and ElijahBailey. Having read both replies I tend to agree with ElijahBailey most of all. I'd love to think that she was trying to get a response from me, or for me to pay attention. However,I don't think that is the case. What has shocked me most is someone whom I thought knew me well enough not to ever attempt to use me has just done that. Elijah is right when he says 'lemme guess, she sounded really pitiful when she apologized', tho this was only later in the day when I called back. Her initial response to me pointing out how offended I was with the gay jokes was to scream that she'd end the friendship. She clearly had to take advice on the situation off someone, probably Mr New. I've watched this woman treat guys like dirt over the years, and realise that she has now seen fit to do the same to me. The friendship has been almost wiped out, tho I will be polite to her purely on a professional level. Never again will I pick up her emotional pieces, comfort her at night, or pick her up from the hospital in the early hours (she has a serious medical condition). Ultimately, her loss will be greater than mine. Thanks guys.

[Mary3]

You want to be with someone who cheated on someone else ?

[gypsycat]

Thanks Gypseycat, and ElijahBailey. Having read both replies I tend to agree with ElijahBailey most of all. I'd love to think that she was trying to get a response from me, or for me to pay attention. However,I don't think that is the case. What has shocked me most is someone whom I thought knew me well enough not to ever attempt to use me has just done that. Elijah is right when he says 'lemme guess, she sounded really pitiful when she apologized', tho this was only later in the day when I called back. Her initial response to me pointing out how offended I was with the gay jokes was to scream that she'd end the friendship. She clearly had to take advice on the situation off someone, probably Mr New. I've watched this woman treat guys like dirt over the years, and realise that she has now seen fit to do the same to me. The friendship has been almost wiped out, tho I will be polite to her purely on a professional level. Never again will I pick up her emotional pieces, comfort her at night, or pick her up from the hospital in the early hours (she has a serious medical condition). Ultimately, her loss will be greater than mine. Thanks guys.

 

You obviously know her better than I do, and in light of what you've added here then I agree. Sad but true but you'll be a lot better off without her.