I feel lonely in my marriage

[Milly May June]

Ok here it goes... We have been married for 11 yeats. Together for 13. One child who is almost 2 years. Both have full time jobs. I am 39. He is 42.

I would say that for the past 5 years we have definetly become more disconnected and it has gotten worse since our daughter was born. We get along great, rarely fight and are good co-parents. But there is almost no intimacy between us. We rarely have sex since my husband has a low libido. It has gotten to a point where we hardly even talk. I tried to address this with my husband many times and have suggested councling. He does want to try fixing things without councling, assures me this is just a normal phase in life when having a child since we are tired and that he loves me. I feel so lonely and disconnected from my husband and I can feel myself pulling away from him. He does not notice this and he thinks that we are just fine. I will never cheat on him and I want to save our marriage and make it better. But what do i do? I feel as if when we comit to making things better it works for a few weeks and then fizzles out mostly due to externa things like looking for new jobs, being sick etc. I just dont know what do do any more. I love my husband and we are good together but there is something missing in my life. I feel so lonely and sad. I miss intimacy. I miss feeling desired. Anyone in a similar situation? Any suggestions on what to do? 

 

[Guildford]

Explain to your husband that you are in a monogamous marriage and that means you do not have sex with others, but it also means that you each provide the other with a good sex life to the extent that you are physically able.  You did not enter into this marriage with the understanding that if your husband was perpetually not in the mood, then you would agree to go without sex.  In a monogamous marriage you each have a duty to provide the other with regular and enthusiastic sex.  Could you accept a sex life that you knew was accommodation sex?

Discuss this with your husband, and ask him how he would feel if you took care of your sexual needs with another man.

[Happy Lemming]

Can you suggest that he visit his doctor and have his testosterone level checked?? 

He could just have "low T", which can be corrected with help from his doctor.

[Happy Lemming]

I think I need to add to my above post that a few years back I had a boss that confided in me that he had low testosterone.  He was in his mid 40's.

He came to me to apologize for being "moody" lately and explained his "health" problem.  To tell you the truth, I hadn't really noticed this "moodiness" that he described, but others closer to him had.  He felt the need to apologize to me, which wasn't necessary, but I accepted his apology and added "get well, soon" (I was "kind of" at a loss for words, at the time)

Either way... via some help from his doctor, the situation was quickly corrected.  I didn't really pry into his "personal" life, but after a few weeks I asked him "are you feeling better" and he told me he was "Finally happy again and 'right as rain'". 

 

[Wiseman2]

sorry to hear this. Is he seeing someone?

[Milly May June]

Hi guys and thank you for your replies. We have discussed the testosteron levels since my husband is going bald but the problem is that he does not want to get it checked out for whatever reason. He just tells me 'yeah i have low testosteron. See my bold head? I dont need a doctor to confirm that and I am not comfterble with taking meds. Have you read about the side effects?' that is how our conversation goes in a nutshell.. 

For what its worth, when we do have sex he has no performance problems. He also tells me how much he misses making love.. Its just that he does not initiate and I am so tired of initiating that i just stopped puttning in the effort. This has really affected my body image as well. I dont put much effort into my appearance as I used to cause what is the point? Its a bad cycle that i want us to break. Just dont know how. At this point i feel that things need to Change. I signed up for a romantic partner and not for a roommate best friend. I am at my wits end here. Logically i know we both need to figure this out together. 

I am certain my husband is not cheating. I have access to his Phone, he is not sercrative and he works from home (so do i).. He was cheated on in a previous relationship and cheating is a dealbreaker for him. 

I just wish i can get some insight into what to do? If you were in my shoes, what would you do/demand? Any suggestions are welcome. 

 

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Milly May June said:

We have discussed the testosteron levels since my husband is going bald but the problem is that he does not want to get it checked out for whatever reason. He just tells me 'yeah i have low testosteron. See my bold head? I dont need a doctor to confirm that and I am not comfterble with taking meds. Have you read about the side effects?' that is how our conversation goes in a nutshell..

 

It appears you have identified the problem.  As a male, I can tell you that testosterone is the gasoline that makes our little engine go, without it we are a "sports car stuck in the driveway". 

You husband is ill and needs help from his doctor.  Regarding side effects, this is a conversation for his doctor to discuss with him, each man is different. 

I'm sorry this is happening to your husband, but it is something that can be corrected.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Milly May June said:

 . I dont put much effort into my appearance as I used to cause what is the point? 

Letting yourself go is a huge mistake now matter what you blame it on.

The place to start is an appointment with your doctor for an evaluation of your low moods and overall health.

The next stop should be a therapist to glean insight and get support 

The next step is getting in shape, getting to the salon/spa, whatever and wearing clothes that you find flattering.

You also need to get out of the house much more. You need to make changes within yourself rather than just give up on yourself. Do this for you

As a side effect of taking better care of yourself your overall wellbeing will improve.

[d0nnivain]

Can you plan dates for the two of you?  Perhaps a romantic setting -- even candlelight at your own dining table -- may jump start the romance.  

[elaine567]

47 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Can you plan dates for the two of you?  Perhaps a romantic setting -- even candlelight at your own dining table -- may jump start the romance.  

Yes maybe, but it seems to me all these obvious ploys to get the person who does not want sex, "in the mood" often just cause annoyance if not actual anger. They feel they are being manipulated into providing sex.  A  carrot is offered and they then feel the pressure to uphold their side of the bargain, but that is NOT what they really want to do.

Here, I think the defensive stance about the testosterone may be revealing.
How does he really feel about going bald? He sounds a tad sore about it
If his self esteem is in his boots over going bald, it may be a reason why he never initiates.
He may no longer feel sexy, he may feel he is getting old...
He may hate being "the bald guy"..

[Watercolors]

There are pros and cons to working from your home. Then, add the fact that both you and your husband work from home together with a child, and you have a lot of barriers to overcome.

First, there's the boredom and complacency. You said that you totally let your appearance go. Well, that's not good. It's because you are bored, correct? You just don't see the point? You're home w/your husband and child 24/7 and there's no distance between the time you see your daughter or your husband because they are always around. So, change that up.

Work schedules. Do you and your husband share the same office space and work hours? If so, change that so your work hours stagger each other so you won't see each other as much at home. I get a sense of "stir crazy" from your posts. Is that accurate?

Interpersonal feelings. You say that you have tried to communicate with your husband about your feelings and concerns, suggesting marriage counseling but that he refuses to try that. You say that you both co-parent well and generally like each other. Does one of you work harder than the other? Make more money than the other? Are there financial concerns or strains that you both don't want to but have to address with each other? Do you share the same accountant? How do you budget? Maybe there are feelings of resentment and jealousy bubbling underneath for either him or you that need to be brought to the surface?

Cost of childcare. Do you have a babysitter come over? Since your daughter is 2, how do you take care of her while you work from home? Do you pay for daycare? Or do you take care of her yourself without any help?

I think the lack of sex is a signal that your home life and marriage life are suffering from an imbalance. And, if your husband refuses to participate in investigating what's causing it, then you have to ask yourself: why doesn't he care enough to explore this with me? Why is it up to me? There is something going on and if its not a cheating spouse, it has to be something else; finances, health, lifestyle, work-life balance...something.

[Milly May June]

Thank you once again for your replies. 

To answer some of your question and comments...

My husband and I live in Europé and have organized daycare (kindergarden). We both work from home in separate offices but i agree that we seem to interact only with each other. Both of us share household duties equally and we also earn pretty much the same salery. Financially we are in a good place where we treat ourselves when we feel like it. No issues there. 

About my husband going bold, well it does not seem to bother him to be honest. And it does not bother me. 

Regarding my appearance. I do keep fit. Its just that i dont put on nice clothes and makeup. 

I have started therapy to kind of get a feel for what i can and cannot accept living without.. Maybe a strange way to look at things but i just feel that if we can not make an effoet to change things around together then i will need to evaluate how inportant this is to me. I know all long term marriage have issues. Its just this one thing that is hanging over our heads. Apart from this aspect of our relationship, we are a good and solid couple who love eachother and have great respect towards one another. My husband is a great man and men like him are hard to find. I know i am lucky to have him in my life. But a long life without intimacy, i dont know... 

I have tried candle light dinners and baths but its always on me to initiate. I have suggested arranging babysitting by he does not feel that he wants to leave our daughter alone with a stranger. I read self help books to improve our relationship. Him not so much or at all. It has come to the point where i just feel disconnected from him and no mqtter how many times i bring this up its a conversation but little action.. A dead end. Or i feel like it is a dead end. 

You guys i am so confused as to what is going on. I just know its a bad spiral. One i am desperate to break... 

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, Milly May June said:

Thank you once again for your replies. 

To answer some of your question and comments...

My husband and I live in Europé and have organized daycare (kindergarden). We both work from home in separate offices but i agree that we seem to interact only with each other. Both of us share household duties equally and we also earn pretty much the same salery. Financially we are in a good place where we treat ourselves when we feel like it. No issues there. 

About my husband going bold, well it does not seem to bother him to be honest. And it does not bother me. 

Regarding my appearance. I do keep fit. Its just that i dont put on nice clothes and makeup. 

I have started therapy to kind of get a feel for what i can and cannot accept living without.. Maybe a strange way to look at things but i just feel that if we can not make an effoet to change things around together then i will need to evaluate how inportant this is to me. I know all long term marriage have issues. Its just this one thing that is hanging over our heads. Apart from this aspect of our relationship, we are a good and solid couple who love eachother and have great respect towards one another. My husband is a great man and men like him are hard to find. I know i am lucky to have him in my life. But a long life without intimacy, i dont know... 

I have tried candle light dinners and baths but its always on me to initiate. I have suggested arranging babysitting by he does not feel that he wants to leave our daughter alone with a stranger. I read self help books to improve our relationship. Him not so much or at all. It has come to the point where i just feel disconnected from him and no mqtter how many times i bring this up its a conversation but little action.. A dead end. Or i feel like it is a dead end. 

You guys i am so confused as to what is going on. I just know its a bad spiral. One i am desperate to break... 

Why not start with simple changes? Like, you decide that you are going to rent an office downtown. Then, schedule lunches with clients, with your friends and treat it as though you work downtown and not at home. Yes, there is the extra expense of monthly office rent but in the long-term if you are stable financially then I see it as a smart investment.

A simple office location change may lift the stagnant feeling you have, working at home in a separate room than your husband.

If you are working in a new space, you may feel reinvigorated with yourself and with life. And that physical space can clear the clutter in your mind and help you see things more clearly. Like I said, I sense a "stir crazy" feeling from your posts. And one way to address it, is to physically leave that space in your house every day for 8 hours a day and work in an office space that you rent.

Also, it is not a good sign that your husband refuses to participate in marriage counseling with you. For whatever reason he is happy with the status quo of your marriage and is resistant to change. View this from a leadership perspective. Apply a change resistant model to your marriage, like ADKAR and yes I'm being serious. Just like with businesses, marriages are an institution where one or both members will be resistant to change and need to be convinced that the changes that need to happen are justified and necessary. That, without the changes, the institution will fail.

To address your husband's resistance to change, break it down to tangible and intangible fears. Intangible fears are perceived losses. Tangible fears are real fears that need material solutions or offsets. Your husband resists the change you suggest, b/c either you haven't presented it to him in a way that shows him the consequences of not making those changes, or he just can't or won't see the clear path between his current role as husband, father and business partner and the new state of being for him which is someone who participates in repairing his marriage with his wife as an equal partner.

 

[Guildford]

I hate to suggest this, but is it possible that your husband is gay?  You seem to have tried everything, but he does not seem to cooperate with any of your ideas.  He says that his testosterone is low, proven by the fact that he is loosing his hair, but he can  get an erection.  He will not take a testosterone test.  Why.  Does he realize that what he is doing would destroy most marriages?  I am in my seventies and I can not get an erection to save my life, but I still have sex with my wife.  Generally a make out session followed be FFing or a vibrator.  Think back over your marriage, has he done or said anything that you thought was strange at the time, but would make sense if he was gay?

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Milly May June said:

 

 

Quote

I have tried candle light dinners and baths but its always on me to initiate.  

It's good you are at least trying but clearly, candles, baths, self-help books and babysitters aren't the answer.

Both of you schlumping around the house 24/7 like roommates is certainly a romance killer.

The larger problem here seems to be that he is checked out emotionally and physically but you don't know why.

The best approach may seem counterintuitive, but you need to become more of a mystery by changing up your routine, suddenly talking a markedly improved interest in your fitness and appearance and getting out of the house alone a lot more.

You may have insidiously slipped into frumpy sahm mode and that isn't fixed without some insight and changes on your part.

Your husband seems complacent and uninterested. He could be depressed, chitchatting all day with other women, drinking too much, bored of being a sahd and wfh husband.

You may think you're in your respective home offices all day and that's the same as both of you being at work.... but think again.

Edited November 9, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Milly May June]

Hi there internet friends, so a quick update. 

Last night H and I had a talk. I told him that i was lonely and feeling rejected and that we need to turn this around and put some real effort into our intimacy issues. So we ended up having a fight but it gave us both cause to really think about what was said.. So this morning my H told me that he will work together to fix this and that he can not imagine a life without me in it. So we reserved two days per week only for us in our calenders. We are going to take turns and plan the dates. We will also work more on showing affection in the day.. This we will do until the end of the year and if things dont improve we will see a sex therapist and my H will get his testosteron levels checked. 

Some of the things my husband said yesterday gave me pause. Since i feel rejected and hurt and have been feeling this was for some time i tend to shut down and avoid small gestures of intimacy such as random kissing and hugging. Its a way to protect myself. I distance myself physically and emotionally. And he said he needs those day to day gestures to feel desired so he can initiate sex with me. The more he talked the more sense it made to me. I also see some behaviour patterns with myself where i just shut down when feeling hurt and dissapointed. He understood where i was coming from as well given my history. So all in all we agreed to both give eachother what we need. I hope this helps. 

Thank you all for all your suggestions. I have taken some to heart such as making an effort in the looks departement and to create more seperatness to create mystery. 

[Lotsgoingon]

The bad sign here is hubby's resistance to counseling,and his resistance to going to see a doctor about his low libido. And yet, he doesn't take any initiative. Like he's not working on his own to deal with his issues or to respond to you. 

Something about hubby strikes me as odd, baffling, perplexing--or not quite right, not quite honest.  It's that he's quick to tell you he's happy and that everything is fine with himself and with the relationship. Something doesn't feel right about that. Is this guy passive in the rest of his life? Is he embarrassed about going to a doctor or counselor? 

Does he have any hobbies? What does he seem to really care about? Something just doesn't feel right about this, about his reactions.

 

[Milly May June]

Yeah, he has hobbies and he is definetly being more proactive. He is not passiv... Just these past two days we have talked a lot and are being more physical. A date night is planned this week so we will see how it goes. I am not sure why he was so reluctant to seek councling. I suppose he did not really see any major issues and thoughts that this was a normal part of being parents to a toddler. We also had some stressful times with work which also contributed to our feeling out of touch. 

[Watercolors]

9 minutes ago, Milly May June said:

Yeah, he has hobbies and he is definetly being more proactive. He is not passiv... Just these past two days we have talked a lot and are being more physical. A date night is planned this week so we will see how it goes. I am not sure why he was so reluctant to seek councling. I suppose he did not really see any major issues and thoughts that this was a normal part of being parents to a toddler. We also had some stressful times with work which also contributed to our feeling out of touch. 

I think it's fantastic that you two have had that difficult conversation that was needed. And I think it's great that you recognize how your own behaviors contribute to your husband's behaviors. When you live together with someone, you will effect each other. There's no way around that.

I hope your twice a week date nights reignite your passion for each other and reinfuse your relationship with the spark that has been missing since this awful Covid happened. At least he's willing to go to marriage counseling in the new year, if the date nights fail.

[Lotsgoingon]

  

1 hour ago, Milly May June said:

I am not sure why he was so reluctant to seek councling. I suppose he did not really see any major issues and thoughts that this was a normal part of being parents to a toddler. We also had some stressful times with work which also contributed to our feeling out of touch. 

You can tell him this reluctance is not going to work for you ... and that if he doesn't want to go to counseling, he needs to formally take some equivalent initiative to repair things. I'm sorry, it's pretty lame (and that's why I asked if he acted passive in the rest of his life) to just say, "life is hard." Well one, in a marriage you have to keep up with yourself AND the other person. He hasn't yet accepted how miserable you are. Have you bluntly told him that you are miserable?

Sometimes an unhappy partner will try to soften the blow and try to stay positive by suggesting counseling. But the resisting partner doesn't get it. You cannot use the suggestion of counseling as a "hint." This guy needs to hear that you are miserable ... and that it's not his job to simply dismiss your feelings by saying, "oh, this is normal." What kind of reaction is that. So I'm encouraging you to be more forceful and demanding. 

The way to do this is to focus on the positive, but with force. You want a better marriage, you feel distant. You want more intimacy, emotional and physical. I don't think the situation you're in is one that can be finessed. You have to hit the issue directly. Yes, it's uncomfortable, but first step is to tell him he cannot speak for your feelings. You will end up hating him if he continues to do that. You sound really committed to the marriage, so you'll try to minimize the resentment ... but it will build because your partner is even hearing you. 

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

On 11/9/2020 at 1:13 PM, Milly May June said:

...and my H will get his testosteron levels checked.

Might be a good idea to get his PSA level checked, as well.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Milly May June said:

... Just these past two days we have talked a lot and are being more physical. A date night is planned this week so we will see how it goes. 

Excellent 👍. Definitely a step in the right direction.

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't think this date night will help. I'm betting you initiated the conversation on all of this. What I'm sensing is that your husband will do the minimum required to keep you in the relationship ... so now he'll go with a date night. Be careful: you may have fun and think "Oh, we've solved this issue."

Keep your desire for more. And don't let him "shut you up" with just a minimum concession.

[zouzd]

Dear ,

Intimacy doesn't require a push , nor agreements , 

it doesn't need arrangement ;

it is beyond sexual activity ; it is beyond capabilities ; if your husband knows the meaning of emotions and love ; he would have found ways even if he is experience difficulties;  he could hugg , cuddle , use his tongue!

 

in my opinion , it is not going to change unless it is temporary ; but since you are saying its been years, 

start thinking about plan B .

unless you want to end after 15-20 years a human body without a soul.

 

sorry .cant lie on you