14 year relationship not sure if I should leave

[_Cupcake_]

So I have been with my partner for 14 years not married no children and have lived together for 12. His always supported me and showed compassion when I’m down however has a sexual appetite I have come to hate. For about 5 years now his needs have grown into things I don’t see as pleasure and sometimes can get angry at me for not doing things properly or the wrong way and I’m left feeling useless. He throws mood swings where he freezes me out and ignores me and I’m too scared to argue as his someone you can’t fight with his always got to be right and can say things about our relationship that cut deep. I find myself doing things I don’t want to and more so when he ignores me as I don’t want him upset. I cook him 3 meals a day even when his not talking to me as he doesn’t look after himself and I worry. At the beginning of this year it got worse when he lost his job and 9 months later with covid his still not working and  on furlough so things are tough. He got more “weird” with what he wanted to use during sex and his fetish for anal is all he wants now even though he know I don’t enjoy it. He broke down crying a month ago in the night whimpering and wouldn’t tell me whats wrong I can only assume it’s depression. I feel in my gut I should end it but don’t want to do anything now whilst his in a dark place as he has been there for me through many similar patches. He doesn’t have any family and I equally don’t have much support. I just feel a mix of emotions. I want children and I feel I’m running out of time and he makes jokes about it so also unsure he wants that too.

I just want to know I’m not alone and someone else has had a partner who has a fetish? I’m so down right now in lockdown I honestly dread everyday 

[lee179108]

As hard as it may be you need to tell him everything you've just wrote here...  write it down on some paper and stay at a friends house or a family member if you can...  explain you wrote it down as you cant face to tell him in person because youre scared...  or you can just be brave and tell him everything to his face, forget his stubborn argumentative ways, just say it as its your life too. Tell him all this is making you unhappy and you want things to change otherwise you will have to break up. Im a guy and hey, i love sex but ive never been into fetishes or anal.... but thats just me. You cook him food and you seem like youre there for him so dont let him bring you down. If you want to see if he will fight for you and change and for yourself to feel happy then you need to tell him all of this, otherwise it will get worse and you will continue to come on here. Theres nothing to be scared of here, all couples argue and emotions get high..  at the end of the day you want to be happy. 

[_Cupcake_]

Thank you I know what your saying is what I need to do however his in a dark place I genuinely think his depressed and partly my fault here I should off done this years ago before it got this far. I mean there’s so much context I would be typing for hours however whenever he stops talking to me it’s always because I have either refused intercourse or didn’t do it the way he wants. There’s been times his called me names and said his sick of this relationship during anal when I don’t do the positions right and he walks out the room and I follow like a lost puppy and do things to him until he orgasms. It’s hard writing this it sounds like his a monster but his not it’s his sexual appetite if I’m honest with myself I sometimes prefer when he doesn’t speak to me so I don’t have to worry about him coming in the room wanting sex. I also have IBS which is being investigated as could be something worse and his been supportive throughout but sometimes forgets my “accidents” aren’t my fault. He also doesn’t believe in lube. I think I know what I need to do but want him to get a job and be able to look after himself and also I need job security and don’t have family to stay with.

[_Cupcake_]

Also to add his the only sexual partner I’ve ever had

[Wiseman2]

Do not aquiece to humiliating or painful situations.

You need to find income producing work and start an exit strategy . 

Stop playing the little housewife and doormat.

Unless this is a BDSM thing where you agree to be a sex slave, you need to find work and get out.

[spiderowl]

He is abusing you. This is an abusive relationship. You don’t have to trade some support for fetish sex when they are things a partner should support you with anyway.

A sign of an abusive relationship is feeling like you are walking on eggshells. He should not be bullying you into doing things you do not like.

It sounds like he has some problems. Best to encourage him to see a doctor. If he’s depressed - and it sounds possible - a doctor can assess him. 

His sexual fetish has nothing to do with depression. Please look up co-dependency. You do not have to cooperate sexually by doing something you hate in order to help him or try to heal him. It won’t work and only draws you into his abusive world. 

Are you able to access counselling or other therapy? I feel you need this in order to disentangle yourself from this abusive situation. Whether your husband can learn to treat you better and consider your feelings, I do not know. I suspect he is becoming obsessed with his own sexual interests and may be hiding more on his computer than you realise. 

I mention the above because it sounds similar to what happened to a friend of mine. Her husband got more and more abusive over time and eventually was arrested by the police when he hit a child.   His wife found lots of very dark, abusive porn on his computer later.

Has he ever hit you? Forced you against your will? Done things to deliberately scare you like throwing objects or acting mean? Please also look up the ‘cycle of abuse’ to see whether you feel it is relevant to you. People often put up with more than they realise while trying to appease an abusive partner. The partner has their nice, kind moments which confuses the one being abused into feeling guilty about considering leaving the relationship. 

[_Cupcake_]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

He is abusing you. This is an abusive relationship. You don’t have to trade some support for fetish sex when they are things a partner should support you with anyway.

A sign of an abusive relationship is feeling like you are walking on eggshells. He should not be bullying you into doing things you do not like.

It sounds like he has some problems. Best to encourage him to see a doctor. If he’s depressed - and it sounds possible - a doctor can assess him. 

His sexual fetish has nothing to do with depression. Please look up co-dependency. You do not have to cooperate sexually by doing something you hate in order to help him or try to heal him. It won’t work and only draws you into his abusive world. 

Are you able to access counselling or other therapy? I feel you need this in order to disentangle yourself from this abusive situation. Whether your husband can learn to treat you better and consider your feelings, I do not know. I suspect he is becoming obsessed with his own sexual interests and may be hiding more on his computer than you realise. 

I mention the above because it sounds similar to what happened to a friend of mine. Her husband got more and more abusive over time and eventually was arrested by the police when he hit a child.   His wife found lots of very dark, abusive porn on his computer later.

Has he ever hit you? Forced you against your will? Done things to deliberately scare you like throwing objects or acting mean? Please also look up the ‘cycle of abuse’ to see whether you feel it is relevant to you. People often put up with more than they realise while trying to appease an abusive partner. The partner has their nice, kind moments which confuses the one being abused into feeling guilty about considering leaving the relationship. 

Thank you for your advice and support no his never hit me and honestly that’s not something he would ever do genuinely. His into porn yes and it’s anal he watches and we share a computer. I don’t have any comparisons sexually and when I have told him not all woman would do what I do (I know my friends wouldn’t) he says they lie. I’m starting to see more and more that perhaps something I almost done 7 years ago has made him worse. When he first started wanting anal I almost cheated with someone I didn’t go through with it I mean it was just for attention looking back at it and maybe he still holds it against me and ive made him this way. It sad as I can’t stop thinking of all the good times and memories 14 years is a long time and I feel me leaving right now when his at his lowest is cruel although I think I’m coming to the realisation I don’t want to be with him. I have looked at online therapy (due to covid) but so expensive not sure of my doctors would even be able to help

[dangerous]

"Thank you for your advice and support no his never hit me and honestly that’s not something he would ever do genuinely. "

Abuse is not only physical, it can be emotional/ behavioural. You seem to be being abused, and you are denying his abuse...

Perhaps you need some individual counselling to help you define your own boundaries? 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, _Cupcake_ said:

 I also have IBS which is being investigated as could be something worse and his been supportive throughout but sometimes forgets my “accidents” aren’t my fault. He also doesn’t believe in lube. 

Unfortunately, this is physical abuse. You need to get to your doctor and explain exactly what is going on, including rough penetrative anal sex you feel forced to comply with.

It sounds like you have tolerating this sadism for years and have so much cognitive dissonance, that you feel you are trapped in this nightmare.

Edited November 8, 2020 by Wiseman2

[_Cupcake_]

I’m going to write a letter to him explaining how I feel in the best way I possibly can and stay at a friends for a few days give him time to read it. Not sure how to end the letter and my friend said take my time to write it but I’m just worried for the outcome I don’t know I can’t explain how I feel I’m just petrified 

[kendahke]

On 11/7/2020 at 4:53 PM, _Cupcake_ said:

I want children and I feel I’m running out of time

Then break up with him.  This is not the man to have children with!!!

His psychological issues are not your heavy lift. He's a grown man, not a 6 yr old boy. HE needs to go figure himself out on his own--and it's not your fault where he finds himself.  You have to protect yourself from someone who is debasing you and the sooner you get away from him, the better.

 

[kendahke]

7 hours ago, _Cupcake_ said:

I have told him not all woman would do what I do (I know my friends wouldn’t) he says they lie.

No they aren't. Not all women do anal. He's lying to himself because that's how he esteems women.

Here's the thing: decent men don't hound their girlfriends to act like porn actresses and then sulk and pout when she doesn't want to be his sleeve... and without lube?  He can find a gay call-guy who will let him do that if it's anal he wants.

Quote

Unfortunately, this is physical abuse.

Exactly!! And emotional abuse. You're in an abusive relationship.  Follow Wiseman's advice tomorrow.

Edited November 8, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

33 minutes ago, _Cupcake_ said:

I’m going to write a letter to him explaining how I feel in the best way I possibly can and stay at a friends for a few days give him time to read it.

Contact some women's shelters and find out if they have resources to help you out with counselling or if there is someone who will do a sliding scale.  You need some tools on being able to deal with this nut when you return after a few days.

You should really be making an plan of being gone indefinitely--he isn't going to get better---12 years of living with him should have told you that.

[gamon]

14 hours ago, _Cupcake_ said:

he walks out the room and I follow like a lost puppy and do things to him until he orgasms.

Stop following him out of the room like a lost puppy and don't do things to him until he orgasms.

Or keep doing everything he wants and wonder why nothing ever changes.

[MsJayne]

10 hours ago, _Cupcake_ said:

maybe he still holds it against me and ive made him this way. 

You are not responsible for his behaviour, he is abusive, and one of the symptoms of being abused can be that you think it's your fault.  You feel obliged to him because you say he's supported you through times when you've been down. My guess is he is the reason you're down!  He sounds like he has no empathy for you, and expecting you to do sexual things that you don't enjoy....that's rape by coercion. If he cared for you at all he wouldn't be forcing you into degrading acts. The person you have described sounds like an all-round creep who has spent 14 years taking advantage of you. Please don't even consider having children with this weak excuse of a male. Find a job, any job, and then run away. He doesn't deserve an explanation. 

[lee179108]

3 hours ago, _Cupcake_ said:

I’m going to write a letter to him explaining how I feel in the best way I possibly can and stay at a friends for a few days give him time to read it. Not sure how to end the letter and my friend said take my time to write it but I’m just worried for the outcome I don’t know I can’t explain how I feel I’m just petrified 

Sounds good, if he is depressed then you need to tell him to go see a doctor or get counselling...  if you have IBS and dont like anal then tell him... you need to learn to stand up for yourself and not let him beat you down. In a relationship you work as a team, ive learnt in my experiences that if you dont work together to sort out difficult situations then its not right..  when problems happen you need to lean on your partner for help and vice versa..   you need to make sure he sorts himself out and starts taking action and fighting for this relationship. If he doesnt then you know hes not the right one. 14 years is a long time, yes if you break up it will hurt...  god me and my gf of 2 years broke up in August and im not right now, i miss her but i know theres a lot of other girls out there and surely one day i will find the right one.  If hes not violent towards you then good, whats the worst that can happen? he just gets mad and shouts?  well if he does then thats his problem, dont be afraid of it and dont bow down to him. Tell him everything you feel and how unhappy you are, and if he doesnt change then you want out. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship should have ended a long time ago, OP. 

He is being emotionally and sexually abusive to you. It's time to make plans to separate permanently. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, _Cupcake_ said:

I’m going to write a letter to him explaining how I feel in the best way I possibly can and stay at a friends for a few days give him time to read it. Not sure how to end the letter and my friend said take my time to write it but I’m just worried for the outcome I don’t know I can’t explain how I feel I’m just petrified 

Please don't waste your time on this. A sadistic abuser will not care and in fact telling someone like this how you feel gives them tips on how to harm you even more. 

Get to your gastroenterologist, discuss your physical problems and forced anal penetration. Everything you tell your doctors, they've heard before, is strictly confidential and aids them in helping you with bowel incontinence.

Then, contact trusted friends and family to develop an exit strategy. You need to focus on financial and emotional independence, unless you want a life of mental and physical torture.

[mark clemson]

I think it's important that both partners get their needs met to a reasonable extent. That doesn't mean one partner gets their needs met to the detriment and emotional distress of the other.

I think you were (up to now) at least in part afraid to leave, live as a single person again, etc which is why you tolerated this so as much as you did. Possibly therapy will help you feel more secure on your own. 

I think you inadvertently "trained" him to recognize that as soon as he got upset, you would become conciliatory (possibly needy) and tolerate more. On his part, he seems to have (possibly unconsciously) "trained" you to tolerate more and more of this form of sex in exchange for maintaining his commitment to the relationship. Only now has it gotten so bad that you're willing to leave.

I'm not going to claim he's a narcissist or anything, but look up the term "narcissistic hoovering" on the Web. I think there's a good chance he will try to nice you back in. I would beware of that, because IMO doing regular anal is probably what he actually wants - that seems pretty clear. He needs to find a girl who actually wants that (not overly common, but they do exist). The two of you appear to have a significant sexual incompatibility. (Not to mention the fact that he is ignoring your distress.)

[pinkpaw]

Oh my goodness, please get out of this relationship ASAP. And I echo what people have said about telling your doctor. I am a doctor and I can tell you, we really have seen it all..and then some. If you were my patient, I would be extremely concerned and put in a safeguarding concern. He is abusing you mentally, emotionally, sexually and physically. 

He is appalling, there's no excuse AT ALL. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

This story sounds as if COVID has exacerbated it to levels well beyond the control of the husband.

 

And if mere affinity for 'anal sex' is the mystery then it isn't that outlandish, as compared to what has become mainstream.

 

I wish I could somehow know the early-life environs the husband knew, which evolved to his liking of anal sex.

 

(though first of all, I think it is an age thing... as anal sex wasn't so prominently thrust into mainstream porn until perhaps the 1990's or so...  with far more people who came of age then being drawn to anal sex than was typical of older people)

 

Maybe we just aren't seeing/hearing about the families where COVID is doing a whammy on relationships (because our famed media is so busy tallying up how many people are needing their next unemployment boost just to make ends meet).

 

It sounds as though our OP could do far better for herself if COVID were not in the picture...   and Covid, of course, is not the fault of her husband.

 

 

Edited November 10, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[pinkpaw]

13 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

This story sounds as if COVID has exacerbated it to levels well beyond the control of the husband.

 

And if mere affinity for 'anal sex' is the mystery then it isn't that outlandish, as compared to what has become mainstream.

 

I wish I could somehow know the early-life environs the husband knew, which evolved to his liking of anal sex.

 

(though first of all, I think it is an age thing... as anal sex wasn't so prominently thrust into mainstream porn until perhaps the 1990's or so...  with far more people who came of age then being drawn to anal sex than was typical of older people)

 

Maybe we just aren't seeing/hearing about the families where COVID is doing a whammy on relationships (because our famed media is so busy tallying up how many people are needing their next unemployment boost just to make ends meet).

 

It sounds as though our OP could do far better for herself if COVID were not in the picture...   and Covid, of course, is not the fault of her husband.

 

 

What nonsense.

Covid is no excuse for abuse. Nothing is. Its shocking you normalise his behaviour so nonchalantly. 

'Well beyond the control of the husband' - no he and only he is in control of himself l.

This site baffles me sometimes. So many people are quick to jump to 'only the poster is in control of their reactions, you cant change another' and ram it home so hard, and yet here you are making excuses for why the husband is not at fault and not in control if his behaviour. It's like some people here like to almost continue the abuse by proxy. Give it up- I'm guessing you normalise his behaviour because you have done similar so dont think it's so out of whack. Well, it is. 

Edited November 11, 2020 by pinkpaw

[d0nnivain]

Before you give him this letter do a few things: 

1.  Write it & re-write it.  You want it to be tight & to the point not rambling. 

2.  Get some cash out of the bank

3.  Pack all your essentials & take them with you.  It's likely that he won't take it well  & won't let you back in the house to get things later. 

4.  Change all your passwords & be prepared to file a change of address with the post office.  

 

This has been a long time coming.  He's a bully.  The idea that he doesn't "believe" in lube when he forces you to have anal sex should be all the proof you need that he really is a monster that doesn't care about you.  Short of actually hitting you I can't think of much that is more brutal or selfish.  Yuck.  

RUN!!!!!!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 11/11/2020 at 3:11 AM, pinkpaw said:

What nonsense.

Covid is no excuse for abuse. Nothing is. Its shocking you normalise his behaviour so nonchalantly. 

'Well beyond the control of the husband' - no he and only he is in control of himself l.

This site baffles me sometimes. So many people are quick to jump to 'only the poster is in control of their reactions, you cant change another' and ram it home so hard, and yet here you are making excuses for why the husband is not at fault and not in control if his behaviour. It's like some people here like to almost continue the abuse by proxy. Give it up- I'm guessing you normalise his behaviour because you have done similar so dont think it's so out of whack. Well, it is. 

 

 

Who said anything about Covid being an excuse for abuse?

Anybody with any marbles could tell from the beginning that a partner who fancies anal sex and who "doesn't believe in lube"  has sadistic/abusive traits.

And at such time, that is entirely on the "catcher"  to get up and gtfo.

 

That isn't the sort of abuse for which someone is 'groomed' over many innocent months and years, and where the so-called victim has no say in her own destiny.

 

IF you sign-on for anal without lube, then you knew full well what you were... uh... getting into  such that  it can barely qualify as abuse.

 

And you are obviously making up tales...  for the OP said very little about "Ramming it home so hard".

 

In case you missed it... the OP just wanted to know she's not alone, and that somebody else had a partner who has a fetish.

 

She tells of being  "down right now, in lockdown"  and of dreading every day.

 

In case you can't figure it out... she is not "in lockdown"   because of, as you say, the guy "Ramming it home so hard".

 

But perhaps it needs to be spelled-out for others as well:    "The OP is in lockdown because of COVID".

 

 

[_Cupcake_]

Thank you to everyone I appreciate the advice aside from the one user above....
 

I have since spoken with a qualified councillor and went into details I didn't share above as are far too personal and upsetting to share and have been told it is both physical and emotional abuse in which deep down I known I have justified things I shouldn't have. I since wrote a letter and am staying at a friends who has equally said none of this is normal behaviour and he has not reached out at all in 5 days to even see if I'm ok so I think I have my answers I need I just have to try and deal with these emotions.