On the Subject of 'Leagues'

[basil67]

31 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Did you friend indicate in what way this man is supposedly out of her league.

Your friend would do better to identify the specific differences and perhaps identify her own insecurities. I mean, if she's dating a guy who is fit and works out hard and who reads two serious books a week and she's a couch potato who doesn't read much at all, then I would say that's not a good fit of interests.

This could be problematic if they were unable to connect outside of those particular mutual interests.  But the right personalities could connect over many different things.   Perhaps they love travel or cooking together.  Perhaps they enjoy the same movies.  Or photography.  Or have interest in the same politics.  Same wicked sense of humour.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're right Basil and I think I was adding in (though I didn't write it) that one of the partners looks down on the other or feels embarrassed that they're not living like the other. I sense the friend in this case feels inadequate when comparing her life to the doctor's.

Yes, if a couple can mutually respect each other--and not try to change each other--yes, differences can be overcome. Actually, it's silly to say that because I don't care how similar we are to someone, we will also be wildly different. In this case, I don't think OP's friend respects and appreciates her own life.

 

 

[salparadise]

9 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

If he has ghosted her, and from what she has said tonight that may be the case, I feel that she will pin this on the leagues thing. That he was just too out of her league and she should not date good looking surgeons...when it is just the case other incompatibilities. 

There are many axes to overall compatibility, leagues being only  one. I'm guessing that they aren't connecting in a spontaneous-interpersonal way, or what we often call chemistry. If they were they'd be having too much fun to be assessing and worrying about what isn't working.

But back to leagues... so the guy is a good-looking surgeon, eh? And she is "27, gorgeous blonde with big boobs, sweet disposition, and a good career." Well, I'd say if there is one identity label that is automatically going to be problematic it would be that of "good-looking surgeon." That's just another way of saying league master. If the guy has any wit about him at all he's going to have high-value women throwing themselves at him every friggin day! He's perched atop the totem, and for a human being that is an impossible place to reside while retaining humility, gratitude, and appreciation for lesser beings. I'm not saying nobody has ever managed it, but I doubt that anybody can be unaffected by that degree of status in this society.  I understand completely why your friend would be viewing this as a league issue... but in reality this is probably a guy who is not susceptible to being locked down. 

 

[Cookiesandough]

I don’t know why but that post made me laugh xD league master 

Edited November 9, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[salparadise]

Attractive women are used to being the choosers... multiple suitors, knowing all it takes is a wink and a nod to enlist more if the current crop isn’t moisture inspiring. Women integrate this privilege of inherent desirability into their psyches as the way things are, as it should be, natural order. This paradigm holds up pretty well as long as we’re talking about your average, above average male — usually thirsty, occasionally lucky, never overwhelmed with options. Us guys get used to it too; we’re coached early in life to not take rejection personally. It’s not how many time you get shot down that matters, yada, yada. But in cases like this —- the handsome surgeon, league master vs. your average gorgeous blonde with big tits and a sweet personality — the paradigm reverses. He’s the chooser. He’s giving her a shot and it’s up to her to keep him intrigued. I can see how this would be confusing for her, almost as confusing as if I had a dozen gorgeous blondes with big tits all trying to book me to netflix and chill this Saturday night.

Dumping him first as a defensive tactic is not a winning strategy. She needs to risk it to run with the big dogs. It’s not THAT humiliating and painful, well, sometimes maybe  

If she wants to infuse those good-lookin’ surgeon genes in the soon-to-be-zygoted next gen, then she needs a hook... you know, like a pop tune trying to become top 40. It’s all about the hook. Wondering how her anatomical knowledge/skills are. He is a doc so he’d likely be impressed if not obsessed... does she know about prostate magic, right? Or, if she could figure out his repressed fetishes, you know, the really good ones he’d never confess to a trusted therapist. 

I’d hate to see her go down in flames as just another gorgeous, big-tittied, blonde loser who couldn’t land the doc because she didn’t have a hook. 

[Cookiesandough]

Interesting, although loaded, interpretation. Thanks for your thoughts. 

[poppyfields]

Just my take, but I don't think there is any huge strategy to this.  He's a doctor for heaven's sake NOT God (although some may think they are, lol).  Nor is he some "league-master."   And viewing him as such is a problem right there! 

Good lordy, once a woman starts feeling like a doctor or any man (by virtue of his looks, career, financial or social status) IS some league-master, as hard as she tries to hide, he is going to sense this, and THAT is what will lower her value to him.  Not her looks, her job, her income, or social status.   But how she values herself, and how she over-values him!

Once the initial attraction and connection is made, all she has to do is keep him moving towards her.  Maintain her independence and an air of mystery. Keep it challenging.  A bit of healthy push/pull wouldn't hurt here, not too much, not too little, there's a balance.  NOT as a game, but it should come naturally by virtue of maintaining her own interests, friendships. passions.  Outside of him and the relationship.

I dated a doctor a few years back before I met my fiancé.  I posted all about it on a different forum.  I dated him for a few months until I dumped him!  Not because I felt intimidated by him or thought he was "out of my league" or some "league-master."  Far from.  He was a man, who happened to have a great career.  Smart and educated.  

However what he lacked was a certain emotional intelligence and the ability to connect on a deeper level.  Which is what I needed and what he was incapable of delivering.  He was quite cerebral, which I came to understand later, is fairly common among doctors.

So if I have any advice for your friend shortskirts, tell her to take doctors, or any man, off the pedestal and stop thinking of him as some god or league-master.  I disagree with salparadise, he is not.  

Believe in herself and her own value.  Have confidence in herself, and have faith and trust in their connection, and allow it to play out genuinely and organically.  NO pushing which I see so many women doing.  Kiss of death seriously.

Keep it fun, sexy and exciting.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[Cookiesandough]

Great points, poppy.
 

“Good lordy, once a woman starts feeling like a doctor or any man (by virtue of his looks, career, financial or social status) IS some league-master, as hard as she tries to hide, he is going to sense this, and THAT is what will lower her value to him.” 

 

I think that happens with men and women a lot. 
 

Thanks!!!!

Edited November 9, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 She’s talked a lot about this man like he is perfect and everything she wants in a man. If he has ghosted her, and from what she has said tonight that may be the case, I feel that she will pin this on the leagues thing. That he was just too out of her league and she should not date good looking surgeons...when it is just the case other incompatibilities. 

It's likely IMO she saw him as potential dad/high status lifestyle provider. There are those who want that.

I think that you're right - it's strange on her part to blame it on the league (when she is probably pretty high up herself, at least the way some men view the world) rather than his personality and goals.

It's the "league", not the fact that he's not ready to be tied down.

It's the "league", not their personality differences.

It's the "league", not his attachment style that prevents him from trusting/committing.

It's the "league", not that he's paranoid she might be a gold-digger.

It's the "league", not the fact that he's never had a relationship longer than a year due to a personality disorder.

Etc, etc. Not that I think those things are accurate (although some might be) they are just examples of what an actual underlying issue might be. In reality of course "league" is ultimately quite subjective and couples cross others' perceived leagues all the time. I've definitely dated above and below what was probably my perceived (by others) league at the time. What they might/might not think didn't generally bother me so long as I was happy.