I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker

[DKT3]

Moving towards divorce when infidelity is involved is the best path in my opinion.  

I don't ever recall hearing a betrayed spouse say I filed too quickly.  But often hear I wish I had filed earlier. 

Affairs suck, searching for the actual truth sucks, worrying about what your cheating spouse is doing when away from you sucks. Divorce sucks, however,  its the quickest way to get resolution.  Be it the truth and genuine effort to work on the marriage or simply getting out of infidelity.  When your wayward spouses are stripped of the need to lie usually brings truth. Or they realize that only truth has a chance to save or salvage an opportunity. 

With that being said,  your anger and shock will subside, fear of the unknown will soon replace it. You will begin to bargain with yourself. How will this affect the kids, my time with my kids, what will it cost me, how long before she has this guy or someone else around my kids. 

You will struggle with these things in the weeks and months ahead. 

Move forward,  either your wife will decide she really wants to be married to you and figure out how to make it happen or she won't.  Worse thing you can do is nothing. 

[MickeyBill]

No reason to go to HR but your W should continue WAH until she leaves.

In almost every office that I worked in, there were people who were a wee bit too close...everyone would notice how they acted.  Sometimes the people would  leave within like 5 minute of each other, one announcing they are  going to XYZ the other say they are going to the dentist or something stupid. We knew but didn't really care. Did they call each other their work-wife or work-husband, I have seen that too. Sort of creepy.

[Ruby Slippers]

25 minutes ago, MickeyBill said:

In almost every office that I worked in, there were people who were a wee bit too close...everyone would notice how they acted.

I worked at this one place where these two people were so obviously having an affair. They constantly took smoke breaks together, laughed and teased each other like teenagers, looked at each other practically drooling.

They were both married. I felt really sorry for both of their spouses. Not only were they cheating - they were parading their affair in front of all these people. So disrespectful. I doubt I could stay with someone who would disrespect me to that degree. 

[Pottering About]

Sorry, but I am a bit confused by some of the comments.

 

Is your wife still working from home and, if so, when may she have to return to working in the office? If she is WFH, doesn’t that mean NC will still continue? She leaves on 1st January and, if she does have to go back in to work, I can not see her falling into the arms of the other man, more keeping an embarrassed distance.

 

Your wife may have browsed some infidelity web sites. Is this actually a bad thing? Wouldn’t you be doing the same thing when dealing with a new situation to help you stay married? If you found the advice helpful, why wouldn’t you follow it? Seems like a positive step to me.

 

it is a kick in the guts to know others at work knew what was going on. Do you know any of them or have any ongoing contact? If not, you don’t have to deal with them and any gossip will rapidly be yesterday’s news. She has resigned and will quickly be forgotten.

 

What does she have to do to show she fully takes responsibility for her actions? She seems pretty crushed to me. If she did not have sex with him, how does she prove it?  Very difficult to prove a negative!

 

Your wife has resigned and I think this is the right thing to do. However, I do not think you should underestimate the impact of her leaving her job will have and she may well mourn that loss. The risk is that you may see any mourning on her part as being for the other man. It is a big step for a woman to go back out into the world and start a new job and many partners do not understand that. She will probably feel she has failed and is in a far worse position than when she changed from being a SAHM.
 

It is not just about money, it is about status and self worth. How you support her in that could have a significant impact on any future relationship because, if you do stay together, she is going to want to work again, Whilst you will always have fears and doubts, any new job gives her the opportunity to show she can do things properly and succeed. It also gives you the opportunity to support her more as per my other post. A big step, I know but the greater risk is her feeling unfulfilled, having aspirations crushed and becoming resentful so that any future relationship becomes increasingly toxic.

 

Do you think last night was when your marriage hit rock bottom, or got close to it? If so, might this be the point at which you move forwards and upwards? I am glad you haven’t filed yet, please don’t rush into that. Sometimes I read posts and think why on earth are you staying but not in this case. Staying married here is not a sign of weakness or being a doormat. Staying married here if that is what you want, is a sign of strength and of you being he better man. Never mind the comments of those who want to see your marriage fail. Their advice may come from  a good place but it is your life.

 

One day I may do a short post.

[Narie]

1 hour ago, Pottering About said:

Sorry, but I am a bit confused by some of the comments.

 

Is your wife still working from home and, if so, when may she have to return to working in the office? If she is WFH, doesn’t that mean NC will still continue? She leaves on 1st January and, if she does have to go back in to work, I can not see her falling into the arms of the other man, more keeping an embarrassed distance.

 

Your wife may have browsed some infidelity web sites. Is this actually a bad thing? Wouldn’t you be doing the same thing when dealing with a new situation to help you stay married? If you found the advice helpful, why wouldn’t you follow it? Seems like a positive step to me.

 

it is a kick in the guts to know others at work knew what was going on. Do you know any of them or have any ongoing contact? If not, you don’t have to deal with them and any gossip will rapidly be yesterday’s news. She has resigned and will quickly be forgotten.

 

What does she have to do to show she fully takes responsibility for her actions? She seems pretty crushed to me. If she did not have sex with him, how does she prove it?  Very difficult to prove a negative!

 

Your wife has resigned and I think this is the right thing to do. However, I do not think you should underestimate the impact of her leaving her job will have and she may well mourn that loss. The risk is that you may see any mourning on her part as being for the other man. It is a big step for a woman to go back out into the world and start a new job and many partners do not understand that. She will probably feel she has failed and is in a far worse position than when she changed from being a SAHM.
 

It is not just about money, it is about status and self worth. How you support her in that could have a significant impact on any future relationship because, if you do stay together, she is going to want to work again, Whilst you will always have fears and doubts, any new job gives her the opportunity to show she can do things properly and succeed. It also gives you the opportunity to support her more as per my other post. A big step, I know but the greater risk is her feeling unfulfilled, having aspirations crushed and becoming resentful so that any future relationship becomes increasingly toxic.

 

Do you think last night was when your marriage hit rock bottom, or got close to it? If so, might this be the point at which you move forwards and upwards? I am glad you haven’t filed yet, please don’t rush into that. Sometimes I read posts and think why on earth are you staying but not in this case. Staying married here is not a sign of weakness or being a doormat. Staying married here if that is what you want, is a sign of strength and of you being he better man. Never mind the comments of those who want to see your marriage fail. Their advice may come from  a good place but it is your life.

 

One day I may do a short post.

It is not his problem but hers. If she hadn't cheated on her husband, lied and said some words to him during the time that he was starting to have suspicions then this whole dilemma wouldn't happen. If she focused on her job and not flirting with a man she barely knew, then she wouldn't have to lose her job.

This is what happens when you cheat. You will destroy your partner/boyfriend/spouse's heart and trust, your family - EVERYTHING. 

HE Trusted her and she destroyed it. So now that she got caught then everything must be about her? "POOR HER" WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HER? SHE WILL BE SAD, WHAT TO DO? HOW CAN YOU NOT BELIEVE HER EASILY THIS TIME? WHY ARE YOH TRYING TO MAKE HER WORK TO GAIN YOUR TRUST?

Again, if she hadn't cheated then there will be nothing to fix. 

 

Anyways OP, I think it is better if you will not post too much info about your plan in here, since it seems your wife may have joined infidelity forums.. it is highly possible for her to see this forum, join and read your post. So whatever your next plan is, she will be able to prepare.. even if use polygraph to test her reaction,  if she read it here then she can just easily pretend to really be up for it. 

Edited November 13, 2020 by Narie

[Buffer]

 Hey brother your emotions will naturally rise and fall, evenly by the hour. Talk to her, tell her why you are having the anger issues when triggering. 
She does have to own it. Her other team members had noticed their actions. So she was not that good at hiding their interactions. 
Now that she has to seek new employment. IC for the both of you. Don’t rug sweep her actions as well as let her tell you how you feel. Make no long term relationship decisions for now. Let her know that D is not off the table. Still try to exercise, eat well and keep off the booze. 
at least you two are able to still talk. 
One day at a time. 
Buffer

[usa1ah]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, that's is what I meant. Not that the OP is not hurt confused, angry, justifiably, but that some techniques do not  seem to be those of a man who keeps stating he loves his wife and hopes  to work things out.

I agree however that while she admitted to some things the 'whole truth' may never be learned as it often isn't. It's fair to say she stepped way out of bounds outside the marriage. And this is not something to simply forgive/forget or brush under the rug.

I do hope it works out and whatever she admitted to can be worked out through marriage therapists, who are trained to deal with issues better. Things will be up and down and all over the place when your foundation is shaken like this. You start to wonder what was ever real and what wasn't.

So you would be clear minded enough to do everything right? Let’s all bow down to your godlessness. 
 

OP has done nothing to bring on the wrath that you are showering on him. 
 

He has his wife at her parents house. 
 

He isn’t treating her like a hoe sexually like some BS have done. 
 

He is honest about not loving her the same. 
 

He is honest about talking with a divorce lawyer. 
 

He is not berating her and calling her every name in the book. 
 

so how is he torturing her?

Edited November 13, 2020 by usa1ah

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

@DKT3 by moving forward you mean filing for divorce? Not sure about that. I did my homework last night and looks like if we come to an agreement about kids and our house it could be done in 3 month. I think it's would be too fast

5 hours ago, Pottering About said:

Sorry, but I am a bit confused by some of the comments.

 

Is your wife still working from home and, if so, when may she have to return to working in the office? If she is WFH, doesn’t that mean NC will still continue? She leaves on 1st January and, if she does have to go back in to work, I can not see her falling into the arms of the other man, more keeping an embarrassed distance.

 

Your wife may have browsed some infidelity web sites. Is this actually a bad thing? Wouldn’t you be doing the same thing when dealing with a new situation to help you stay married? If you found the advice helpful, why wouldn’t you follow it? Seems like a positive step to me.

 

it is a kick in the guts to know others at work knew what was going on. Do you know any of them or have any ongoing contact? If not, you don’t have to deal with them and any gossip will rapidly be yesterday’s news. She has resigned and will quickly be forgotten.

 

What does she have to do to show she fully takes responsibility for her actions? She seems pretty crushed to me. If she did not have sex with him, how does she prove it?  Very difficult to prove a negative!

 

Your wife has resigned and I think this is the right thing to do. However, I do not think you should underestimate the impact of her leaving her job will have and she may well mourn that loss. The risk is that you may see any mourning on her part as being for the other man. It is a big step for a woman to go back out into the world and start a new job and many partners do not understand that. She will probably feel she has failed and is in a far worse position than when she changed from being a SAHM.
 

It is not just about money, it is about status and self worth. How you support her in that could have a significant impact on any future relationship because, if you do stay together, she is going to want to work again, Whilst you will always have fears and doubts, any new job gives her the opportunity to show she can do things properly and succeed. It also gives you the opportunity to support her more as per my other post. A big step, I know but the greater risk is her feeling unfulfilled, having aspirations crushed and becoming resentful so that any future relationship becomes increasingly toxic.

 

Do you think last night was when your marriage hit rock bottom, or got close to it? If so, might this be the point at which you move forwards and upwards? I am glad you haven’t filed yet, please don’t rush into that. Sometimes I read posts and think why on earth are you staying but not in this case. Staying married here is not a sign of weakness or being a doormat. Staying married here if that is what you want, is a sign of strength and of you being he better man. Never mind the comments of those who want to see your marriage fail. Their advice may come from  a good place but it is your life.

 

One day I may do a short post.

Yes, She's still WFH. Will proboblay till January. I do not know any of her coworker, we met like 4 times maybe and are not in a contact. 
 

Regarding rock bottom - No. We are not there yet I'm afraid. I obviously fear the worst - that they were having sex. That would be rock bottom and It would mean end of our marriage. 

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, Narie said:

Anyways OP, I think it is better if you will not post too much info about your plan in here, since it seems your wife may have joined infidelity forums.. it is highly possible for her to see this forum, join and read your post. So whatever your next plan is, she will be able to prepare.. even if use polygraph to test her reaction,  if she read it here then she can just easily pretend to really be up for it. 

It is naïve to think that the BS has somehow an advantage in that they have sole access to info on infidelity and that the WS is some idiotic person who will be blindsided by the BS's superior knowledge on the subject... 

She works in a bank, she can read, articles on infidelity are all over the internet, so any "plans" are hardly going to be a surprise... 
The WS  may indeed have been reading all about infidelity since the moment she contemplated stepping out.
I guess if she wasn't then, she is now.                                                                                              

[Wiseman2]

She may be talking to her attorney and a therapist, not wasting time on infidelity forums.

It seems she has her ducks in a row already to plan her departure. And getting a job was most likely the first step.

This may have been during the affair, or since you mentioned divorce.

You as well would be better off listening to expert legal advice and expert therapy advice than on any sort of infidelity forums.

 

[Pottering About]

You have said earlier that sex and ILY were your lines in the sand which is perfectly understandable. With regard to the possibility of them having sex, you seem to move from seriously thinking they had sex to being 99% sure they didn’t. Do you know what triggers the different moods and is there a way to filter out the damaging triggers?

 

I didn’t realise your wife worked in a bank which, from my experience of HR changes things. Banks take a very dim view of anything that could tarnish their name and reputation. At the very least, any exposure or blowing up of any affair would be damaging to his career at a still relatively early point in his working life and could lead to disciplinary procedures.

 

How would you feel about using this to get the OM’s side of the story with the threat of full exposure to his employees if there was no reply or anything short of full disclosure? I don’t think your wife will ever admit to having she with him if indeed it ever happened. She has constantly said they didn’t have sex, that she did not love him and they made no plans together but I don’t see how she can 100% prove that to your satisfaction. Contacting the OM is not without risk. He may say they had sex to f*ck with your mind or he may down play everything. However, as with your wife’s statements regarding sex, ILY etc, you are probably just have to go with your gut feeling.

 

Does he have copies of the texts by the way?

[schlumpy]

16 minutes ago, Pottering About said:

How would you feel about using this to get the OM’s side of the story with the threat of full exposure to his employees if there was no reply or anything short of full disclosure? I don’t think your wife will ever admit to having she with him if indeed it ever happened. She has constantly said they didn’t have sex, that she did not love him and they made no plans together but I don’t see how she can 100% prove that to your satisfaction. Contacting the OM is not without risk. He may say they had sex to f*ck with your mind or he may down play everything. However, as with your wife’s statements regarding sex, ILY etc, you are probably just have to go with your gut feeling.

That's why he needs a timeline of the affair from his wife. If he were to contact the OM for his side of the story, the timeline would be invaluable in determining the truth.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Pottering About said:

At the very least, any exposure or blowing up of any affair would be damaging to his career at a still relatively early point 

Why complicate things further with zero useful results? Is an alleged affair partner really a source of accurate info? This would look like a crazed jealous spouse...a great thing to have documented when the inevitable divorce happens and this tidbit of nonsense is entered during the custody hearing?

Someone's struggling marriage and family is not a fantasy football game.

This is why legal advice is better than all the emotional and vicious boloney from the hateful cacophony on infidelity sites.

Info that's not even needed to proceed with marriage therapy and/or separation/divorce.

There's really no point in amusing  Hollywood detours when a marriage/family is in this much peril.

Calm, cool collected and professionally advised is the best way forward.

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, Pottering About said:

Sorry, but I am a bit confused by some of the comments.

 

Is your wife still working from home and, if so, when may she have to return to working in the office? If she is WFH, doesn’t that mean NC will still continue? She leaves on 1st January and, if she does have to go back in to work, I can not see her falling into the arms of the other man, more keeping an embarrassed distance.

 

Your wife may have browsed some infidelity web sites. Is this actually a bad thing? Wouldn’t you be doing the same thing when dealing with a new situation to help you stay married? If you found the advice helpful, why wouldn’t you follow it? Seems like a positive step to me.

 

it is a kick in the guts to know others at work knew what was going on. Do you know any of them or have any ongoing contact? If not, you don’t have to deal with them and any gossip will rapidly be yesterday’s news. She has resigned and will quickly be forgotten.

 

What does she have to do to show she fully takes responsibility for her actions? She seems pretty crushed to me. If she did not have sex with him, how does she prove it?  Very difficult to prove a negative!

 

Your wife has resigned and I think this is the right thing to do. However, I do not think you should underestimate the impact of her leaving her job will have and she may well mourn that loss. The risk is that you may see any mourning on her part as being for the other man. It is a big step for a woman to go back out into the world and start a new job and many partners do not understand that. She will probably feel she has failed and is in a far worse position than when she changed from being a SAHM.
 

It is not just about money, it is about status and self worth. How you support her in that could have a significant impact on any future relationship because, if you do stay together, she is going to want to work again, Whilst you will always have fears and doubts, any new job gives her the opportunity to show she can do things properly and succeed. It also gives you the opportunity to support her more as per my other post. A big step, I know but the greater risk is her feeling unfulfilled, having aspirations crushed and becoming resentful so that any future relationship becomes increasingly toxic.

 

Do you think last night was when your marriage hit rock bottom, or got close to it? If so, might this be the point at which you move forwards and upwards? I am glad you haven’t filed yet, please don’t rush into that. Sometimes I read posts and think why on earth are you staying but not in this case. Staying married here is not a sign of weakness or being a doormat. Staying married here if that is what you want, is a sign of strength and of you being he better man. Never mind the comments of those who want to see your marriage fail. Their advice may come from  a good place but it is your life.

 

One day I may do a short post.

I've not read all the posts, so there's always a chance that I'll be proven wrong, but at this moment, I think this is good advice. 

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, Narie said:

HE Trusted her and she destroyed it. So now that she got caught then everything must be about her? "POOR HER" WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HER? SHE WILL BE SAD, WHAT TO DO? HOW CAN YOU NOT BELIEVE HER EASILY THIS TIME? WHY ARE YOH TRYING TO MAKE HER WORK TO GAIN YOUR TRUST?

Again, if she hadn't cheated then there will be nothing to fix. 

True. But, realistically, if someone eventually gets to the point where they want to rebuild a marriage after being cheated on, they will have to ask themselves those kinds of questions (not the sarcastic ones in your post, rather, the ones @Pottering About is referring to). I don't think OP is there yet. I don't even know if he will ever get there. But on the off chance that he does, that would be good advice to keep in mind.

Edited November 13, 2020 by Acacia98

[elaine567]

If indeed he decides to stay he has to then live with the woman, so whilst all these punishing  or scorched earth regimes may be perceived as justice or getting what she deserves, they are not particularly helpful in trying to rebuild a marriage.  Not a marriage anyone would want to be in long term anyway.
Yes there may be shame, yes there may be remorse but people, especially women, tend to not  to forget and if pushed too far, resentment builds, even contempt, and piled on top of why she sought out the attention of another in the first place, then that may be an explosive mix.

[vla1120]

15 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

We both want what's best for our girls.

Just in case you are on the fence about whether divorce is good for your kids. I stayed with my husband for 18 years after he cheated on me with my best friend. I was the main breadwinner and did not need to stay for financial security. I stayed "for the kids." That was my biggest mistake. I never trusted him again. We certainly did not show our daughters an example of a healthy relationship. Since my 5-yr-old caught him cheating, she and my 11-year-old were well aware of the cheating incident. Those two are now 31 and 37. Neither have been married, nor have they been in a healthy relationship that had any hope of succeeding. So, by staying together for another 18 years after he cheated (I was pregnant with my youngest when my 5-yr-old brought the cheating to my attention), all we did was teach our daughters how to navigate a dysfunctional relationship. I blame myself for the fact that they don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. By the way, my daughter caught them kissing "like in the movies." He swore up and down that's ALL that ever happened. I was trickle-truthed for well over five years after that. Eventually, I learned they had slept together. Liars will lie, cheaters will cheat and a leopard does not change its spots. That was not the first time, nor the last time that he cheated on me, but it was the last time I let him get away with it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Robert2016]

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity.  PA or EA, your wife's behavior is a big fail.  Even though she broke it off with the OM, she still has to fix herself so it doesn't happen again.

It's her responsibility to rebuild your trust (and it requires more than just the words "I'll never do it again or trust me" or tears & self recrimination or promises). Your wife needs to understand that under the circumstances she is now a liar - and you can't believe anything she says. 

Part of rebuilding trust is to convince you that she will not repeat again with some other guy that helps her at work, makes her feel special or pretty.

1 -  Let your wife write up a detailed timeline (including their conversations and especially how each contact made her feel, as well as how she felt when she returned home and/or lied to you).  The exercise of writing it all down acknowledges and allows her to very deeply confront herself with what she did (a necessary starting point to fix herself).

2 - I suggest you both read the book about how to protect your marriage ('Not Just Friends' by dr shirley glass - or a similar book).  It's based on research of couples that experienced infidelity. You'll both have a better understanding about how this mess happened and what she can do going forward to protect her marriage (to you or her next life partner).

3 - You've suffered a major life changing trauma from someone you trusted (google:  PTSD).  Read up on the symptoms and stages so you're at least familiar with what's happening. You flip flopping between R and D is typical.  As time goes on you'll become more centered.

4 - You should both read a book about:  how to help your spouse heal from infidelity (there's one by MacDonald).  There's many self help books on the topic and will provide your wife an understanding of the damage she did to you and what she can do.

 

 

   

 

[pepperbird2]

op,

You don't have to make any big decisions now, but I would advise you to avoid the trap of seeing her behaviour as a function of the circumstances she found herself in. She did what she did because she wanted to. It wasn't the workplace, the job, that she was a SAHM, that thus guy was attractive to her or anything else.
It was her and he alone. If she recognizes that and really understands it, that's often a  good sign. If she makes excuses, rationalizes or uses the word "but" ( i.e.- I did this, but you did that" you may have a bigger problem.

There's a tactic many BS use called "the 180". You are polite to your WS, the same way you would be to an acquaintance. It's about giving yourself time and space to make decisions without extra pressure from her. Some find it helpful.

[MickeyBill]

There are plenty of SAHM or D who have affairs and there are plenty of workers too. Most people do not have affairs, most women are hit on regulalry andar adept at shutting it down.  It boils down to her making the decision to flirt and kiss and  ________ with this guy A simple question Mr Flibble can ask is "what was it about him that made her decide to have an inappropriate relationship with him.

A couple good words to use are "decide" and "choose" when asking her about her affair. "Mistake" and "I don;t know" are not acceptable answers...

[MickeyBill]

35 minutes ago, S2B said:

I agree - so many OM target married women saying they are easy targets because a tiny bit of attention gets them moving towards an affair.

just because your W moves to the next job - how will she provide you peace of mind she won’t find another guy at that work place to fill the void she has for attention?

Sounds like she has learned her lesson...hopefully one and done.

[Harry Korsnes]

19 minutes ago, MickeyBill said:

Sounds like she has learned her lesson...hopefully one and done.

Dont think so you should read pepperbird's post i think its cinda acurate.

[gamon]

On 11/12/2020 at 8:24 PM, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

Yes, she should get an lawyer. I told her so. It's a very strong possibility I will file for a divorce before the end of a year.

 

You're making some bad impulsive decisions. If divorce is a strong possibility you should never have told her you were consulting with an attorney and even more importantly, she never should have quit her job. You'll end up paying most of your net income to her in child and spousal support. Worst case scenario once you divorce she'll hook back up with the other guy and he'll move into your house while you've barely got enough money left to put a roof over your own head. Sounds unbelievable doesn't it. It happens. All the time.

 

[gamon]

On 11/13/2020 at 7:24 AM, schlumpy said:

That's why he needs a timeline of the affair from his wife. If he were to contact the OM for his side of the story, the timeline would be invaluable in determining the truth.

Do you honestly believe that if he was to contact the OM, he'd get the guy to write him a timeline? Seriously?

I'm picturing the other man furiously typing away on his computer with a date before each paragraph. "Oh wait that's not right, the hotel was on the 11th, the backseat of the car was on the 15th where's that delete key I don't want to mess this up..."

 

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

Thank you all, I wish I had the mental capacity to reply to all your posts. But I read them all

 

Nothing new to report. For now there is a mutual understanding that our last meeting was a little bit too much so we decided to give us a 2-day cooling period before we continue.

Still swinging moods. Going from missing her, to indifference to how dare She? and back.

My MIL tried to "check on me" a few times over past two days, but I put a stop to that. Felt like she was more than anything fishing for informations on what I will do. So I nicely told her to back off. She complied. 
 

But I told her one thing that should sound here, too.

If we stay together it won't be because we have children. I do not intend to stay in unhappy marriage just because it would "hurt the kids". I have heard this BS countless times, and it's just that - BS.

Children are not stupid. They know mom hates dad and dad can't stand mommy. I would much rather divorce and kept civil relationship with my ex than play this charade. And I'm not from broken family btw, my parents been married for more than 30 years and still going strong.

Also, scorched earth is out of a question now. For me it was valid option in case my wife decided to keep lying and be overall nasty about her affair. She's everything but nasty. And if we decide to continue with our marriage it would be a horrible attitude to build on

 

But all that is now up to her, I stand firm on filing for divorce if in a few months I won't feel like we are making a progress or in case some more facts purposefuly hidden from me come to light.

There is no need to rush. I want to talk to my wife about physical separation and to see if there's a possibility of rebuilding what she destroyed.

So that's where we are now. W and I are talking again tomorrow.

I had the opportunity to spend whole day today with girls, just the three of us. They are asking for mommy but I am still not sure how to navigate it. This will be part of the next talk.

 

And again, since this keeps comimg back - my wife wasn't some kind of victim fallen to a predator. Yes, He was manipulating her, but She could very easily put a stop to this. She was willing and that's what got us here. At least She admits that. 

Edited November 14, 2020 by MrFlibble_is_very_cross