I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker

[gamon]

10 minutes ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

 As for the messages - as I said if they are genuine and not some cleanedmup version - they are in line with what my wife told me

...they didn't have sex. I thought that even before, but after reading their text I am now 100% positive. 

I get that you've been traumatized and not thinking clearly. We're here to help. Look at the two lines you posted above, do you see where you cannot be sure if they didn't have sex, based entirely on what you posted above? You are sure they didn't have sex based completely on texts you cannot even validate.

 

 

 

 

Edited November 16, 2020 by gamon

[Uruktopi]

15 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Seems to me many betrayed men are focused primarily on whether or not a woman had sex.
No sex = no divorce, sex = divorce, when that is probably the least of his problems.
Some affairs are about power, control and resentment, that to me is a more serious problem than whether or not his wife actually had sex with the guy at work..

I frequently and perhaps allways agree with you.

Not this time. For more than one single reason thay may be long to say, besides it may become a TJ.

But....are you sure that is wise to say what SHOULD be important for men instead of what it is? 

 

Edited November 16, 2020 by Uruktopi

[WorldsSecondGreatestLover]

Quote

are in line with what my wife told me except that "I think I am in love with you" part my wife denied. Still not sure how to go about that. 

Are you sure she didn't get confused and think you were asking her if she EXCHANGED I love you's or she thought you were asking if SHE said I love you?

BTW, OP... the other guy kissing her, her saying never again, and then him saying "we'll see about that..."  If I were you I would burn this son of a b**** down to the ground.  He's a supervisor?  Get your wife to file sexual harassment claims.

Edited November 16, 2020 by WorldsSecondGreatestLover

[Pottering About]

As I understand it SH’s girlfriend broke into his phone once she found his password and got hold of the text messages. She then sent you screenshots which you presumably have read. 
 

I am sure the two of you would have spotted gaps in the texts if some had been deleted. It seems to me the likelihood of SH doctoring only some of the texts is very small as, if there was a problem he would have deleted everything. In addition to this, it was the gf who sent the screenshots and what motivation would she have to doctor them? 
 

Never say never, but come on here people!

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

1 hour ago, gamon said:

I get that you've been traumatized and not thinking clearly. We're here to help. Look at the two lines you posted above, do you see where you cannot be sure if they didn't have sex, based entirely on what you posted above? You are sure they didn't have sex based completely on texts you cannot even validate.

 

 

 

 

I think I am thinking pretty clearly given the circumstances. But you are right, I might never know. But with the texts and our long talks I think I have a pretty decent picture. As I said before, it all comes down to me believing her or not. I know it sound stupid and naive and who knows what else but that just how it is.

 

24 minutes ago, WorldsSecondGreatestLover said:

Are you sure she didn't get confused and think you were asking her if she EXCHANGED I love you's or she thought you were asking if SHE said I love you?

BTW, OP... the other guy kissing her, her saying never again, and then him saying "we'll see about that..."  If I were you I would burn this son of a b**** down to the ground.  He's a supervisor?  Get your wife to file sexual harassment claims.

I should probably check the recording. Not sure about wording. This could be put on wording/phrasing - after all we don't speak english. It's possible some meaning might get lost in translation.

I am still contemplaging about what to do with SH. I am absolutely sure we will never meet in person, because I would end up in jail. He's peers, does the same job as my wife. We will see what will come up from their HR.

There is no point for sexual harrasment complain. Nothing was done against her will

 

But as I write this I realized that my W's job requirments are not only professional but also ethical. She needed a few written recommendations regarding her character traits back when she started. I guess she really IS screwed. 

[gamon]

2 minutes ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

But as I write this I realized that my W's job requirments are not only professional but also ethical. She needed a few written recommendations regarding her character traits back when she started. I guess she really IS screwed. 

If you stay together you'll be the breadwinner since she can't get a job (or at least one at her current level of pay) due to the workplace exposure.

 

[mark clemson]

If it's been proven "to your satisfaction" that they didn't screw, that's at least a positive and is all you can really get. Hopefully this is accurate. As noted above, it's impossible to prove a negative.

If things play out as seems likely per posts above, the (STBx I imagine) GF only did you a favor in the short term. In the longer term, if your wife's career is derailed due to the HR call, it is money taken away from your children (and possibly from you if you stay together, even e.g. living together but divorced).

Sure it helped "end the affair" but it appears that was fully over anyhow + your wife had agreed to leave. Hopefully she'll be able to get character references from others or address this bank review of "her character" in other ways. Otherwise, she'll presumably have to restart her career in a new field.

Maybe things will be fine, but if not - well, it's not a surprise (to me at least) that they aren't. Don't kid yourself - her vindictiveness and/or myopic "morality," that puts adult's emotional needs over the physical needs of children, may well end up substantially harming your children's well being.

Edited November 17, 2020 by mark clemson

[usa1ah]

6 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

I might disappear for few days after this, sorry. But I bet you can understand writing on here's not my top priority right now. 

 

But I am still very grateful for every response here. You prople help me to stay afloat.

 

So.. update. 

 

 Today has been a hell of a day.

 

Firstly, cat's out of a bag so to speak. My wife got call from an HR this morning. Somebody apparently reported them both. She called me right away why I did that, told her I didn't.

 

She called me again in tears an hour later to tell me SH's GF called HER and yelled at her for good 20 minutes. Then she wanted to speak to me.

 

So I called her in between meetings. 

 

She apparently found the NC message my wife sent over the weekend and went into investigation. We spoke about the situation we are in, I gave her my part of a story and we put together what we know. 

 

She's obviously the one who reported them to HR. Said she had some suspicion about the two, but since SH never let her into his phone there was no proof. She somehow found out the password and voilà!

 

On a positive note - looks like SH didn't bother deleting any messages. She has them all and sent me everything after our conversation. She also kicked SH out since He lives in HER appartment. Won't lie, great sense of justice. 

 

 

 

So I got the screenshots. Lots of them. 

 

Sort of good news/bad news.

 

Good news - I am now 100% positive they didn't have sex. It was never explicitly discussed, but He texted her apologizing for pushing her into it and she told him this was too much and they should stop. Other messages were hard to read, but they are in line with what she told me. Also if those messages are not some sort od cleaned up version of events they didn't text all that much, definitely less then I thought after my W told me she deleted some messages and even whole conversations.

 

No sexting. Just some inuendos and flirting from both sides. I was mentioned only few times and never in a bad way, more like off-hand comment. Guess there was no place for me or kids in their Neverland. 

 

Bad news - He told my wife multiple times He's in love with her. She either didn't adress it at all or downplayed it. This made me angry because I asked her directly before and she denied this. 

 

Also SH' GF would like to meet in person, not sure if it's a good idea. 

 

My wife doesn't know I have them. I want to process this before we talk again. Yesterday I thought we made a progress. And now this. At least I know bigger portion of a truth now. 

 

I also had a skype appointment with a lawyer today. Looked like a right guy, just a few years older than me. I told him my story and then let him speak. Looks like if we agree on kids and a house we can be done in 3 months. I was actually surprised, I thought I took longer than that. There is also no separation period.

 

That's probably too fast for me. I don't want to rush it, also 3 month is way too soon to see if there is any hope for us. So I won't file this year.

 

Wife has been trying to reach me since morning and I am playing it cool, just told her I need some time now.

 

We have a bank holiday tommorow, so we are both free. Not sure if it's good or bad. 

So, she never returned the ILU from SH. That is good, sad that she couldn’t say that he had said it. 

[DKT3]

I spoke in the beginning of this thread about falling for illogical "truths" because its a combination of what you want to hear and what makes you most comfortable,  also I spoke about taking hard stances not really understanding how you will feel the next day or week. You've made both mistakes,  hopefully it doesn't come back to get you.

Those texts mean nothing since it wasn't likely the day you found out,  much could have happened between those  texts and when you found out. But, it makes you feel better.  

You are making the topical mistakes that almost all BHs make. Foolishly wanting to believe a minimized narrative that your WW is more then happy to allow you to believe.  The innocent victims who was pressured into doing things she didn't really want to do, the quiet damsel who ignored all the sweet talk.....so ask yourself just what the hell was your innocent damsel doing?

Lots of pain and disappointment lay right beyond the naive blindness. 

[MickeyBill]

Since you seem to have the emails, IMO there would have been some evidence of references to sex. Eggplant and Peach Emojis or "that was amazing" even just "Wow" texts. To be honest I sent a "Wow" after sex to a GF and got a "you said it!" in return. While your W may have cleaned up her side of the texts he may not have cleaned it up his- he'd keep them as a trophy.

And the idea of  them getting back together is absurd. FWIW I think your W will be on her best behaviour. For a long time.

 

[princessaurora]

2 hours ago, usa1ah said:

So, she never returned the ILU from SH. That is good, sad that she couldn’t say that he had said it. 

She may have been too scared that would have made him file for divorce and since she didn't reciprocate the ILY,  and had already ended things, she didn't want to make it any worse for herself.. Who knows if he even meant it? He might have just been trying to break her down so she'd give him sex. 

[endlessabyss]

4 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I spoke in the beginning of this thread about falling for illogical "truths" because its a combination of what you want to hear and what makes you most comfortable,  also I spoke about taking hard stances not really understanding how you will feel the next day or week. You've made both mistakes,  hopefully it doesn't come back to get you.

Those texts mean nothing since it wasn't likely the day you found out,  much could have happened between those  texts and when you found out. But, it makes you feel better.  

You are making the topical mistakes that almost all BHs make. Foolishly wanting to believe a minimized narrative that your WW is more then happy to allow you to believe.  The innocent victims who was pressured into doing things she didn't really want to do, the quiet damsel who ignored all the sweet talk.....so ask yourself just what the hell was your innocent damsel doing?

Lots of pain and disappointment lay right beyond the naive blindness. 

Beautiful post.

[Buffer]

Well good and bad. Good that there was no sex, but bad that she is still lying about the ILU from him to her. Again as stated by others she is still trying to control the situation. Minimise the fall out. 
send her a copy of the text now and talk about it tomorrow. If she hasn’t yet she needs to be tested for STIs.
As always exercise, eat healthy and drink water. Please put the children at #1. 
One day at a time. 
Respect ✊ 

Buffer

Edited November 17, 2020 by Buffer
Spelling

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

19 hours ago, gamon said:

If you stay together you'll be the breadwinner since she can't get a job (or at least one at her current level of pay) due to the workplace exposure.

 

I am kind of OK with that. Money's not my concern right now, I make enough to keep us afloat. We can stop investing into our house and be OK. But I will pressure her to find a new job as soon as possible.

18 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If it's been proven "to your satisfaction" that they didn't screw, that's at least a positive and is all you can really get. Hopefully this is accurate. As noted above, it's impossible to prove a negative.

If things play out as seems likely per posts above, the (STBx I imagine) GF only did you a favor in the short term. In the longer term, if your wife's career is derailed due to the HR call, it is money taken away from your children (and possibly from you if you stay together, even e.g. living together but divorced).

Sure it helped "end the affair" but it appears that was fully over anyhow + your wife had agreed to leave. Hopefully she'll be able to get character references from others or address this bank review of "her character" in other ways. Otherwise, she'll presumably have to restart her career in a new field.

Maybe things will be fine, but if not - well, it's not a surprise (to me at least) that they aren't. Don't kid yourself - her vindictiveness and/or myopic "morality," that puts adult's emotional needs over the physical needs of children, may well end up substantially harming your children's well being.

Yes, I asked her today if she found a way how to assure me they didn't sleep together. Surprise, surprise She didn't. I think her career is basicaly done, at least for now. Looks like she still fails to comprehend. 

 

18 hours ago, usa1ah said:

So, she never returned the ILU from SH. That is good, sad that she couldn’t say that he had said it. 

Yes, if there is something that will finish our marriage for good it will be her lies. Not kissing some loser.

16 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I spoke in the beginning of this thread about falling for illogical "truths" because its a combination of what you want to hear and what makes you most comfortable,  also I spoke about taking hard stances not really understanding how you will feel the next day or week. You've made both mistakes,  hopefully it doesn't come back to get you.

Those texts mean nothing since it wasn't likely the day you found out,  much could have happened between those  texts and when you found out. But, it makes you feel better.  

You are making the topical mistakes that almost all BHs make. Foolishly wanting to believe a minimized narrative that your WW is more then happy to allow you to believe.  The innocent victims who was pressured into doing things she didn't really want to do, the quiet damsel who ignored all the sweet talk.....so ask yourself just what the hell was your innocent damsel doing?

Lots of pain and disappointment lay right beyond the naive blindness. 

thank you, I needed to hear that. You are right, I tend to bend the truth a little to make it more digestible. That's very dangerous and I will try to correct myself.  But I still think I know the basics of her affair pretty well now. And my wife is nit some kinde of damsel in distress, too naive and stupid to see through this. I think I made myself clear here that I put a stop to this narative early on. 

 

16 hours ago, MickeyBill said:

Since you seem to have the emails, IMO there would have been some evidence of references to sex. Eggplant and Peach Emojis or "that was amazing" even just "Wow" texts. To be honest I sent a "Wow" after sex to a GF and got a "you said it!" in return. While your W may have cleaned up her side of the texts he may not have cleaned it up his- he'd keep them as a trophy.

And the idea of  them getting back together is absurd. FWIW I think your W will be on her best behaviour. For a long time.

 

I have not seen anything of this sort. Her behaviour in future is up to her. I won't play a marriage policeman. She's either in or she's out. Simple as that. 

 

16 hours ago, princessaurora said:

She may have been too scared that would have made him file for divorce and since she didn't reciprocate the ILY,  and had already ended things, she didn't want to make it any worse for herself.. Who knows if he even meant it? He might have just been trying to break her down so she'd give him sex. 

That's exactly what I think about that ILY. I don't think he was/is in love with her. He was just trying to get in her pants. 
 

15 hours ago, S2B said:

So what will HR do to them now? Is she still planning to stay at that job until January?

No idea, she might be fired. Probably will be. Waiting for HR meeting. She's staying till January for now. No other option. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I'd talk to the lawyer about possible settlement terms. Now you know you have a wife who's susceptible to flattery from other men and straying. If you end up divorcing, you'd probably be a lot better off in the settlement if she were employed and earning money as opposed to unemployed and fully dependent on your income. 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

if there is something that will finish our marriage for good it will be her lies. Not kissing some loser.

Completely agree with this. The real punch in the gut is the lying. 

[gamon]

Since she clearly cannot be trusted to tell the truth, what's the point of having these extended fact finding conversations?

If you're determined to get to the truth in order to save your marriage, then go scorched earth.

Tell her you've got proof but you want to hear it from her, she's got one and only one chance to come clean.

"Did the other man tell you he loves you, yes or no, last chance". If she continues to deny then there's nothing left to save.

If she says "yes", then soften up a bit, force a smile, and say "good now we're getting somewhere".

Did you and the other man kiss each other? If you get a "no" then again, nothing left to save because she's still lying.

If you get a yes, then continue into in uncharted territory, now you're working on a bluff. "Did you and the other man touch each other, yes or no." If there's an emphatic no, then you really can't continue the line of questioning. If "yes", again soften up a bit no matter how difficult it is, and say "Where did you touch each other and did you also use your mouths on each other".

After retrieving that final bit of information it's time for double jeopardy. "Did you have sex with the other man, again, last chance to make this right by telling the truth, which matters to me more than the act itself".

Good luck man

 

[merrmeade]

On 11/17/2020 at 6:09 PM, gamon said:

Since she clearly cannot be trusted to tell the truth, what's the point of having these extended fact finding conversations?

If you're determined to get to the truth in order to save your marriage, then go scorched earth.

Tell her you've got proof but you want to hear it from her, she's got one and only one chance to come clean.

"Did the other man tell you he loves you, yes or no, last chance". If she continues to deny then there's nothing left to save.

If she says "yes", then soften up a bit, force a smile, and say "good now we're getting somewhere".

Did you and the other man kiss each other? If you get a "no" then again, nothing left to save because she's still lying.

If you get a yes, then continue into in uncharted territory, now you're working on a bluff. "Did you and the other man touch each other, yes or no." If there's an emphatic no, then you really can't continue the line of questioning. If "yes", again soften up a bit no matter how difficult it is, and say "Where did you touch each other and did you also use your mouths on each other".

After retrieving that final bit of information it's time for double jeopardy. "Did you have sex with the other man, again, last chance to make this right by telling the truth, which matters to me more than the act itself".

Good luck man

Been there; done that. Those "extended fact-finding conversations" were the bane of my existence but unavoidable. Sartre's No Exit. The Trickle Truth 2-step. If the BS becomes obsessed with the truth while WS is working at damage control, there's no real reckoning. If the BS's threat is real enough, the WS with qualified remorse tells enough to be believed but not more than is asked.  Or if BS gives an ultimatum. WS answers the question(s) but doesn't offer unsolicited information. The WS with qualified remorse thinks the truth will ruin everything when it's really the lying that's ruining it. Think about it: Deceit and secrets destroy trust and transparency in a marriage, right? So how absurd for a WS to try and repair it with half-truths and omissions?!  But oddly, they do. I think many realize what full disclosure should look and feel like from a desperate WS who's bared all. This WS realizes that atonement must include a willingness to disclose all to the BS. 

I think that right after D-day a betrayed spouse needs to process raw emotion more than anything else - and by "process" I mean allow, feel, express, recognize. Otherwise (and I was otherwise), it morphs into depression and takes longer to sort out. And it must be sorted out. Convincing the BS that s/he's telling the truth is up to the WS. Anything less will have less than satisfactory results. 

[Harry Korsnes]

5 hours ago, merrmeade said:

Been there; done that. Those "extended fact-finding conversations" were the bane of my existence but unavoidable. Sartre's No Exit. The Trickle Truth 2-step. If the BS becomes obsessed with the truth while WS is working at damage control, there's no real reckoning. If the BS's threat is real enough, the WS with qualified remorse tells enough to be believed but not more than is asked.  Or if BS gives an ultimatum. WS answers the question(s) but doesn't offer unsolicited information. The WS with qualified remorse thinks the truth will ruin everything when it's really the lying that's ruining it. Think about it: Deceit and secrets destroy trust and transparency in a marriage, right? So how absurd for a WS to try and repair it with half-truths and omissions?!  But oddly, they do. I think many realize what full disclosure should look and feel like from a desperate WS who's bared all. This WS realizes that atonement must include a willingness to disclose all to the BS. 

I think that right after D-day a betrayed spouse needs to process raw emotion more than anything else - and by "process" I mean allow, feel, express, recognize. Otherwise (and I was otherwise), it morphs into depression and takes longer to sort out. And it must be sorted out. Convincing the BS that s/he's telling the truth is up to the WS. Anything less will have less than satisfactory results. 

This is still very fresh. I think if he wants the truth its not up to him its up to her. I'd stop the the eavening talks and go nc (unless its about the kids) until she is ready to tell the whole story in complet honesty.

[elaine567]

Ok but what is the whole truth? 

When does one decide that that is the whole truth?
The phenomenon of trickle truthing is real, but what if a WS told the real truth from the outset?
What if there is not a lot to say, what if the affair never really got into it's stride?
Or is the only "truth" one that says the WS had fantastic sex with the OM three times a week and anything else is just "wicked lying"?  

[TobyBoy]

How did the meeting with SH girlfriend go? 

[Harry Korsnes]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Ok but what is the whole truth? 

When does one decide that that is the whole truth?
The phenomenon of trickle truthing is real, but what if a WS told the real truth from the outset?
What if there is not a lot to say, what if the affair never really got into it's stride?
Or is the only "truth" one that says the WS had fantastic sex with the OM three times a week and anything else is just "wicked lying"?  

Thats why i Said its not up to him its up to her. If she wants to live a life of lies the truth will come out sooner or later. It does'nt matter If its a him or her they have to live with that for the rest of thair life. But in regards of the op's w i think she's affraid and he's unsure, and they need more time apartheid.

[Pottering About]

Hi OP.

Your posts seem to indicate that you still move continuously from believing her to having serious doubts that you have been told the full truth.

The only EVIDENCE you have in all of this are the texts. You also have information from SH’s soon to be ex girlfriend. All the rest is information from your wife which has seen a creeping declaration, and conjecture from others that post.

You have, at various times, now accepted a final tale of events from your wife and then it appears others get in your head, sowing doubts about practically everything which I think are not always supportive.

The ONLY important view here is your’s and I really think it is extremely damaging for you to remain on this forum any longer. A lot of advice, mine included, just seems to be going around in circles and I do not see anything new coming forth to help you. There is no doubt this forum has been useful in the past but what are you hoping to get out of it from now on?

There is always going to be a leap of faith on your part with regard to what happened and, at best, you will only be 99% certain. If you can live with that, then may I suggest you go about the very difficult process of reconciliation out of the public glare of this or any other forum. If you can’t live with it, then good luck but I would still stay off this forum, even if it is to avoid the I told you so’s.

Finally, it may be that your wife’s current career is screwed but there are still plenty of other jobs out there which aren’t banking. Perhaps a spell cleaning toilets for a living will do her the power of good and make her realise a) what she has got with you and b) a lot of people have far greater problems than her privileged arse and she should learn some humility.

Hope to only ever read a final update from you and good luck. You are a good man and I wish you all happiness in whichever direction life takes you.

 

 

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

hello, It's OP again.
 

Sorry for disappearing, but it's been a bad couple of days. Up and down.I will try to keep this as short as possible. And again, thank you for your support. 

Since some of you asked about the meeting with SH's GF I will start with that. 

It went OK. She is a lot different than I expected, in a good way.

I got basicaly no new info, but it was nice to have a coffee and listen for 30 minutes about how big loser SH is. At least my hurt ego got a boost because his GF was baffled why my wife cheated on ME with him. Great feeling, but it was short-lived. 

She had a few questions of her own so I told her everything I know or suspect my W wasn't maybe 100% honest about. She also asked me if I am going to go after him. I told her she's doing pretty good job herself so there is no need. She's leaving SH (apparently this wasn't his first time cheating) and asked me if I am divorcing my wife. Told her I am still not sure, probably. 

Overall, It was nice meeting her. We promised to keep in touch. Looks like she's ready to ruin his life and I would like to watch if she lets me. 

 

On Thursday I told my wife I have the messages. She asked me if I somehow recovered them from her phone or if I got them from SH's GF (She knew about the meeting). So I told her the truth (I know, I know, don't beat me too much please). She asked me if I believe her now and I simply told her I don't. I expected her to blow up or start another of her breakdowns as before, but She just told me She understands and is ready to do anything to prove to me She told me everything.

So I told her I know from their texts He told her multiple times He's in love with her and I asked her why She lied about that. This took her by surprise, I guess She forgot about that. Convenient, huh?

Her reasoning? She never felt that way, never replied the same way and is sure He wasn't in love with her either. It was just talk. But She knew I would probably not get over this so she lied. Also my question was more like "Did you exchange ILYs?"

This got me so angry I admit I was very nasty towards her and told her she just lied again when I explicitly asked for full truth and even told her It was her last chance. And She just blew it. I told her I will probably never trust her again and It would be better if we just got divorced as peacefully as possible. After this she went full on ugly-crying so I just asked her to leave and she did. This was Thursday night. 

 

I had a rough night and didn't sleep that well. On friday morning I was ready to call my wife to tell her we should have a cooldown period at least till Monday.

But I got a call from her at 8 am while I was making kid's breakfast. She couldn't log in anywhere and called me for help. I have seen this before so I asked her If she already had that HR meeting. She said It was rescheduled and it's in 30 minutes. 

So I told her she was probably fired and all her accounts and privileges were already suspended. Common practice. You don't want prople you just fired to have an access to your production core systems. 

I was right.

30 minutes later she was officialy fired and is to sign it all and hand over her laptop and cellphone on Monday. 

She came over later in the afternoon and looked more put together than expected. When I asked her how she's dealing with being fired She told me She's OK with it and her last concern right now is her job. I told her she still start needs a new job as soon as possible.

 

Later as I was watching kids run around we smiled at each other (it was a "look at them" kind of smile) and later She came to me, gave me a hug from behind and kissed me on a shoulder. It took me few seconds to realize what happened but since there were kids around I just shook her off, told her to cut the cr.p and don't do this ever again and walked away. I can't explain it, but when She touched me I just felt like somebody kicked me in my guts.  It was awful. Should I take that as a sign It's over?

I could hear her sobbing, but I kept my distance after that and swore to myself I will never let my guard down in her presence ever agin. Soon after she left for her parents.

She later apologized over text telling me it wasn't intentional or to hurt me in any way and she's sorry. I didn't reply, she tried calling multiple times but I didn't pick up.

I wanted to cancel our plans for today but I didn't want to disappoint our kids. Breaking up/divorcing sucks when there are children involved. Really sucks.

 

So we took our kids today for a fun day outside even though it's freezing out here. She wanted to take her mom or a sister so we could "go for s walk or something, just the two of us", but after what happened yesterday I just declined so we went just the four of us. When I picked W at her parent's MIL asked me to call her later. Not sure about that.

During ride W again apologized for the hug and kiss, It wasn't intentional, just "muscle memory" as She called it. She also confided in me that it kills her to not be able to do things like that anymore, I just told her I miss that too but it's her who did this a continues to do this with her lies. I said if something kills this marriage it won't be her kiss this loser but it will be her lies. I hope she finally got the message.

I don't do this to hurt her, but I won't pretend we are OK. We are not and we might never be again. I don't think she gets that. I swear sometimes I feel like she's living in a fantasy land where I will be grumpy for a few weeks and then things will inevitably go back to normal. I am afraid she still needs that slap of a reality. Not sure how to pull that off, though.

But after all, I now finaly feel a lot better, more in control. I called my friend who is a real estate agent and asked him to give me an update on a current situation an a market. I have a divorce petition ready. But I still hope thing will turn out for the best. Pathetic. 

[WorldsSecondGreatestLover]

1 hour ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

But I still hope thing will turn out for the best. Pathetic. 

Normally, I'm a "they cheated, so walk away" guy.  But when a woman doesn't sleep with an affair partner, it's because she wasn't going to sleep with an affair partner.  Everything you've said about Mr. Wonderful indicates that he's an extremely dominant personality.  He would have reeled her in if she was going to reel in, in two months.

However: I think it's possible you don't know the full details yet.  Time and time again on every single site, you see the EA stories where the woman claims it's an EA but it turns out it was actually a PA.  In general, men can recover okay if there's no PA, and women can recover okay if there's no EA.

If you can FOR SURE determine that this guy didn't get into your wife's pants, since you have kids, I'd throw her into therapy, let her work on herself, and give her a chance to earn trust back.  ONLY if there was nothing beyond kissing though.