I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Mr. Flibber,

It is my suggestion that you confront her with the information supplied by the OBS.  I would move forward with consulting an attorney with the possiblity of filing for a divorce.  I believe you are still hoping for the best, but the best is no-longer in the cards.  Stay close to the OBS to gain access to all the facts.

Best

[Pottering About]

Very sorry to hear this news and gutted for you. You have shown yourself to be a good, principled man throughout this whole process and you do not deserve this. 

Elaine567’s advice is very good. SH’s wife does have her own agenda but the cc transaction needs some explaining. 

Just a thought, is it possible SH took a different woman to the hotel room? That would be ironic, seeing your wife’s reaction to SH cheating on her.

He, of course, could have primed her on the latest revelation so she can get her story straight.

Look after your mental health 

Edited November 24, 2020 by Pottering About
Update

[Dreamer2017]

Please remember, your wife has yet to respond to the letter you sent her in regards to moving forward.  It is a possiblity that her AP contacted her about his confession to his wife, Therefore your wife doesn't know how to respond back to you.

Best,

Dreamer

[TobyBoy]

Actually, SH’s ex-girlfriend is the only one who hasn’t lied nor withheld information from Mr F since this whole s***show started. She’s the only one Mr. B can trust at the moment. 
Expect now she’ll confess to going to the hotel, but chickend out at the last minute.   More lies. 
I’m really sorry for how things turned out. 

Wanted to add, the only 2 make out sessions is now just BS. These two were hot and heavy for a long while. 

Edited November 24, 2020 by TobyBoy

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. Hopefully now you will get an attorney.

I already have an attorney. It's been already taken care of.

 

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Remember this woman will hate your wife with a vengeance, so make sure there is solid proof before you go off at the deep end.
I am not saying she is not telling the truth, she may be, but then again she will want to see your wife rot in hell, so be careful before you blow up your kids lives.
There is a lot for you at stake here.
This woman will NOT want to see you reconcile and play happy families, so she may be trying her best to stir up trouble.
She has already proven she is a loose cannon capable of anything... 
Be aware.

 

Just to make things clear - I have a recording of SH admiting he went to the hotel with my wife. I have no reason to not trust SH's ex.
 

I will confront my W today, we are meeting in the afternoon.

[colingrant]

None of us should be surprised. As I posted last week,  adults don't have 15 minute make out sessions without sex following shortly thereafter. It's not a guarantee, but simply a pattern of lust that leads to the inevitable.  Aroused adult men and women are committed to extinguishing the fire they share for one another. I've been with a high number of women and can recall sex not happening only twice. I made the decision in both instances. It was there, I chose no. 

Make out sessions sound innocent and high school-ish but it's the gate that once opened leads straight to fornication at the very start of passionate affairs.   A teenage crush leads to an afternoon of lust that changes multiple lives for decades.  Very, very unfortunate and my condolences for the loss of your relationship if in fact that is your choice. 

Edited November 24, 2020 by colingrant

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

1 hour ago, Dreamer2017 said:

Please remember, your wife has yet to respond to the letter you sent her in regards to moving forward.  It is a possiblity that her AP contacted her about his confession to his wife, Therefore your wife doesn't know how to respond back to you.

Best,

Dreamer

She already responded, right away. She will bring her list tomorrow. But I think it's too late for that. If they slept together we are done.

 

37 minutes ago, TobyBoy said:

Actually, SH’s ex-girlfriend is the only one who hasn’t lied nor withheld information from Mr F since this whole s***show started. She’s the only one Mr. B can trust at the moment. 
Expect now she’ll confess to going to the hotel, but chickend out at the last minute.   More lies. 
I’m really sorry for how things turned out. 

Wanted to add, the only 2 make out sessions is now just BS. These two were hot and heavy for a long while. 

Yes, I trust SH' ex. If my W really went to that hotel room it's over. If she tells me she went there but nothing hapenned She's lying.

I still can't believe She would do such a thing. My hands are shaking so much I make typo in every word.

[schlumpy]

I was hoping that your situation would have a happier ending.

This might explain why your MIL is so hard on your wife. She's trying to support you because she knows the extent of the affair.

[colingrant]

The loss of employment, marriage, husband, family and home for a slime ball could possibly trigger her into a mental health crisis. Just FYI. 

[elaine567]

19 minutes ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

I have a recording of SH admiting he went to the hotel with my wife

You  failed to mention that previously....

[WorldsSecondGreatestLover]

Quote

I still can't believe She would do such a thing. My hands are shaking so much I make typo in every word.

I am so sorry my friend.  I was hoping for you.  If you read these message boards for very long, if there's been a kiss, there's always sex.

Please google "the 180" and implement it to help you distance yourself from her and get into the right mindset to make your decision.  Most men in this situation achieve their best results by serving divorce papers immediately.  Even if you change your mind later, you can stop the process any time.

Since her AP has a supervisor/underling relationship with your wife, I suggest you do what you can to get him fired-- in some jurisdictions and industries you can make a lot of trouble for him in that regard, even blackballing.  He inserted himself into your life, now it's time to give him a payoff on that investment.  Contact his HR department, and go right up the chain if the company is a subsidiary location.  Talk to a lawyer about whether a sexual harassment suit is doable-- this is a unique time in history where feminism has given a man a non-violent way to ruin the AP's life.

It is your duty to your children to burn down the man who destroyed their childhood and idyllic family life with a "we'll see about that."

 

Edited November 24, 2020 by WorldsSecondGreatestLover

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, WorldsSecondGreatestLover said:

I am so sorry my friend.  I was hoping for you.  If you read these message boards for very long, if there's been a kiss, there's always sex.

Please google "the 180" and implement it to help you distance yourself from her and get into the right mindset to make your decision.  Most men in this situation achieve their best results by serving divorce papers immediately.  Even if you change your mind later, you can stop the process any time.

Since her AP has a supervisor/underling relationship with your wife, I suggest you do what you can to get him fired-- in some jurisdictions and industries you can make a lot of trouble for him in that regard, even blackballing.  He inserted himself into your life, now it's time to give him a payoff on that investment.  Contact his HR department, and go right up the chain if the company is a subsidiary location.  Talk to a lawyer about whether a sexual harassment suit is doable-- this is a unique time in history where feminism has given a man a non-violent way to ruin the AP's life.

It is your duty to your children to burn down the man who destroyed their childhood and idyllic family life with a "we'll see about that."

 

A divorce lawyer is essential now so is whatever is best for the kids.

In the US, people can not sue when they have no standing in the case.

Also the out for blood scorched earth annihilation approach is the worst thing for the kids.

A mature person with an intact self respect doesn't treat the demise of his family like silly videogames where the only goal is total destruction of the "enemy" AKA the mother of his children.

 

Edited November 24, 2020 by Wiseman2

[WorldsSecondGreatestLover]

Quote

Also the out for blood scorched earth annihilation approach is the worst thing for the kids.

Why is there so much advocacy on men not avenging their children on infidelity boards?  I'm sure you point is that the wife could end up fired too, but that's very materialistic-- there's more to life than money and stuff.  If AP had come into OP's life and started beating his kids with a stick it would have been kinder in the long run and nobody would object to OP burning his life down.

Edited November 24, 2020 by WorldsSecondGreatestLover

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, WorldsSecondGreatestLover said:

I'm sure you point is that the wife could end up fired too,

Keep up.
The wife has already lost her job over this...

[princessaurora]

8 hours ago, Watercolors said:

There are literally no excuses for cheating that can ever justify it. And if you think there are, you’re wrong. 

I don't believe it's justified. I just don't want him to go through this again if he were to stay and work things out. That's why it's so important for him to find out why she risked a 13 yr commitment for some jerk coworker. 

 

7 hours ago, Watercolors said:

But do not take on her cheating as your fault. Do not own it. It exists outside of you (your wife’s decision to cheat) because it was her decision and her decision alone. 

Do not feel guilty for your wife’s choices. That’s all I’m trying to say. 

It is not your fault, OP. She should have never done it, plain and simple. This was 100% her decision. But if you want to even consider remaining married, the reason why needs to be addressed or she may repeat this behavior in the future and I don't want to see you or your kids  go through this pain again. I wasn't trying to say you did something to cause it. Please don't take it that way. I just see how you're struggling on a decision and wanted to stress how important it is to find out what possessed her to destroy her vows. Even if you decide to divorce, you still deserve to know and she should respect you enough to give you that honesty. 

[WilyWill]

I'm so sorry, Mr. Flibble. I really thought your wife was one of the rare cases of an affair that didn't go all the way. 

[princessaurora]

4 hours ago, Pottering About said:

Just a thought, is it possible SH took a different woman to the hotel room? That would be ironic, seeing your wife’s reaction to SH cheating on her.

I thought about this too. Maybe if OP's wife, did refuse to have sex with him, he moved on to someone else, but after SH's girlfriend just caught him cheating with his married coworker, he's not going to add an additional woman to his troubles so he says it's OP's wife so he doesn't get in anymore trouble with her than he already is. He already knows what his gf is capable of. She threw him out, she reported him to HR. I think he'd be too scared to tell her there's another woman she doesn't know about if this were the case. 

Op, you need to try and  beat your wife at her own game so she'll stop trickle truthing you.  When you meet her today, look her dead in the eyes and tell her "I know you had sex with him in the hotel" and don't back down. Convince her that you know with 100% certainty. Just continue to stare at her with a straight stern look, until she answers you  and if she did sleep with him she'll most likely cave. In the off chance she didn't, you'll be able to tell by her reaction. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. The whole thing  sickens me. I felt so nauseated when I read about the hotel. I always try to see the good in people, but this situation appears to be getting bleaker. You and your kids deserve to be loved and cherished, not betrayed. Good luck to you. I'm still praying for the best outcome, whatever that may be. 

[notbroken]

At least you know.   Honestly, it is a cliche.   Spouse gets caught.  Says it was nothing.  Then says they just kissed.  Then it gets revealed it was more.  Then she says 'it was just once - and it wasn't very good', etc.    She had a physical affair.  She lied - repeatedly.   

The single biggest mistake I ever made in my personal life was 'staying together for the kids'.   I never trusted her ever again.  It was miserable.  Rug sweeping doesn't work.  Either divorce or get counselling and work all the way through it.  Knowing what I know now, I would divorce a cheater as fast as possible.   Couldn't be soon enough.

[Watercolors]

Mr Flibble I am sorry to hear that you have audio and soon will have receipt proof of your wife having sex with SH at a hotel after she sent him that no contact text. Now you know the truth and can proceed ahead with your divorce. It can be very civilized. You keep the house and your wife moves in with her parents until she gets back on her feet financially with a new full-time job. You have 100% custody of your two children since you have the house, and your wife can visit the children. Or something like that. 

You must be feeling a rollercoaster of emotions right now, Mr. Flibble. Please take care of yourself. 

[gamon]

Confronting your wife is pointless, as is all the discussions you've had with her.

Except for matters relating to the kids and running the household there is nothing left to talk about.

As suggested by another poster, the wife will certainly deny anything happened in the hotel. She's been trickletruthing you and lying the entire time, there's no reason to expect anything different.

Time to start making the break- you've already taken steps as far as the legal route goes, now it's time to start working on breaking the emotional connection.

Business ONLY.

 

[gamon]

6 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

You keep the house and your wife moves in with her parents until she gets back on her feet financially with a new full-time job. You have 100% custody of your two children since you have the house, and your wife can visit the children. Or something like that. 

Right and she can tie her unicorn up to the mailbox when she visits. Nice fantasy.

 

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

Thank you all. She's coming in 15 minutes. I have the paperwork ready but I want to hear it from her. Hope she can be honest at least now. 

[mark clemson]

The usual sh*tshow. That's a shame. I too had hopes it wasn't the fully whammy this time. Very sad for you.

The OM didn't actually destroy your family. You are doing that by divorcing. Your wife wants reconciliation, but you are the one making the decision to divorce. Don't get me wrong - I don't blame you at all. People's emotional reactions are to a large extent biologically programmed and certainly her choice to cheat is what's triggering your choice to divorce. If it was me, I'm 99% sure I would be doing the same thing in your shoes.

I also don't really blame you for seeking revenge on the OM. I don't think it's (logically) necessary or particularly helpful, and may even lead to countermeasures, depending on how it goes and what type of person he is/what he's capable of. However, some people seem to need revenge as part of their emotional processing. Again, mostly biology, but it is what it is. C'est la vie.

Very sad situation.

Edited November 24, 2020 by mark clemson

[gamon]

1 minute ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

Thank you all. She's coming in 15 minutes. I have the paperwork ready but I want to hear it from her. Hope she can be honest at least now. 

Hope is not a strategy. Expecting her to suddenly be honest is coming from your emotions rather than your intelligence.

You've made several mistakes so far- including but not limited to allowing her to quit her job which will cost you bigttime in the long run, even though you say you make more than enough money. Two households get expensive very quickly. Child support will be based on a percentage of your income. Between that and spousal maintenance you'll be lucky if you see 30% of your income.

Stop talking to her. You are about to be at war with her- she will probably be the greatest adversary you will ever face in your lifetime. Anything you say to her can and probably will be used against you in a court of law.

 

[mark clemson]

19 minutes ago, gamon said:

You've made several mistakes so far- including but not limited to allowing her to quit her job which will cost you bigttime in the long run, even though you say you make more than enough money. Two households get expensive very quickly. Child support will be based on a percentage of your income.

THIS point I agree with. However, if people's lives and decisions were ruled by logic we'd live in a very different world.

The financial burdens vary by jurisdiction and Mr.Flilbble has indicated he's comfortable with what he'll lose. Certainly I don't blame him for divorcing, costs notwithstanding. Certainly it would have been helpful (financially) for her to have kept her job or at least her career prospects but that part was actually out of his control.

It's very sad - he seems like overall a nice and reasonable person. MOST of this was out of his control, sadly.

Edited November 24, 2020 by mark clemson