I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker

[colingrant]

The loss of employment, marriage, husband, family and home for a slime ball could possibly trigger her into a mental health crisis. Just FYI. 

[elaine567]

19 minutes ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

I have a recording of SH admiting he went to the hotel with my wife

You  failed to mention that previously....

[WorldsSecondGreatestLover]

Quote

I still can't believe She would do such a thing. My hands are shaking so much I make typo in every word.

I am so sorry my friend.  I was hoping for you.  If you read these message boards for very long, if there's been a kiss, there's always sex.

Please google "the 180" and implement it to help you distance yourself from her and get into the right mindset to make your decision.  Most men in this situation achieve their best results by serving divorce papers immediately.  Even if you change your mind later, you can stop the process any time.

Since her AP has a supervisor/underling relationship with your wife, I suggest you do what you can to get him fired-- in some jurisdictions and industries you can make a lot of trouble for him in that regard, even blackballing.  He inserted himself into your life, now it's time to give him a payoff on that investment.  Contact his HR department, and go right up the chain if the company is a subsidiary location.  Talk to a lawyer about whether a sexual harassment suit is doable-- this is a unique time in history where feminism has given a man a non-violent way to ruin the AP's life.

It is your duty to your children to burn down the man who destroyed their childhood and idyllic family life with a "we'll see about that."

 

Edited November 24, 2020 by WorldsSecondGreatestLover

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, WorldsSecondGreatestLover said:

I am so sorry my friend.  I was hoping for you.  If you read these message boards for very long, if there's been a kiss, there's always sex.

Please google "the 180" and implement it to help you distance yourself from her and get into the right mindset to make your decision.  Most men in this situation achieve their best results by serving divorce papers immediately.  Even if you change your mind later, you can stop the process any time.

Since her AP has a supervisor/underling relationship with your wife, I suggest you do what you can to get him fired-- in some jurisdictions and industries you can make a lot of trouble for him in that regard, even blackballing.  He inserted himself into your life, now it's time to give him a payoff on that investment.  Contact his HR department, and go right up the chain if the company is a subsidiary location.  Talk to a lawyer about whether a sexual harassment suit is doable-- this is a unique time in history where feminism has given a man a non-violent way to ruin the AP's life.

It is your duty to your children to burn down the man who destroyed their childhood and idyllic family life with a "we'll see about that."

 

A divorce lawyer is essential now so is whatever is best for the kids.

In the US, people can not sue when they have no standing in the case.

Also the out for blood scorched earth annihilation approach is the worst thing for the kids.

A mature person with an intact self respect doesn't treat the demise of his family like silly videogames where the only goal is total destruction of the "enemy" AKA the mother of his children.

 

Edited November 24, 2020 by Wiseman2

[WorldsSecondGreatestLover]

Quote

Also the out for blood scorched earth annihilation approach is the worst thing for the kids.

Why is there so much advocacy on men not avenging their children on infidelity boards?  I'm sure you point is that the wife could end up fired too, but that's very materialistic-- there's more to life than money and stuff.  If AP had come into OP's life and started beating his kids with a stick it would have been kinder in the long run and nobody would object to OP burning his life down.

Edited November 24, 2020 by WorldsSecondGreatestLover

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, WorldsSecondGreatestLover said:

I'm sure you point is that the wife could end up fired too,

Keep up.
The wife has already lost her job over this...

[princessaurora]

8 hours ago, Watercolors said:

There are literally no excuses for cheating that can ever justify it. And if you think there are, you’re wrong. 

I don't believe it's justified. I just don't want him to go through this again if he were to stay and work things out. That's why it's so important for him to find out why she risked a 13 yr commitment for some jerk coworker. 

 

7 hours ago, Watercolors said:

But do not take on her cheating as your fault. Do not own it. It exists outside of you (your wife’s decision to cheat) because it was her decision and her decision alone. 

Do not feel guilty for your wife’s choices. That’s all I’m trying to say. 

It is not your fault, OP. She should have never done it, plain and simple. This was 100% her decision. But if you want to even consider remaining married, the reason why needs to be addressed or she may repeat this behavior in the future and I don't want to see you or your kids  go through this pain again. I wasn't trying to say you did something to cause it. Please don't take it that way. I just see how you're struggling on a decision and wanted to stress how important it is to find out what possessed her to destroy her vows. Even if you decide to divorce, you still deserve to know and she should respect you enough to give you that honesty. 

[WilyWill]

I'm so sorry, Mr. Flibble. I really thought your wife was one of the rare cases of an affair that didn't go all the way. 

[princessaurora]

4 hours ago, Pottering About said:

Just a thought, is it possible SH took a different woman to the hotel room? That would be ironic, seeing your wife’s reaction to SH cheating on her.

I thought about this too. Maybe if OP's wife, did refuse to have sex with him, he moved on to someone else, but after SH's girlfriend just caught him cheating with his married coworker, he's not going to add an additional woman to his troubles so he says it's OP's wife so he doesn't get in anymore trouble with her than he already is. He already knows what his gf is capable of. She threw him out, she reported him to HR. I think he'd be too scared to tell her there's another woman she doesn't know about if this were the case. 

Op, you need to try and  beat your wife at her own game so she'll stop trickle truthing you.  When you meet her today, look her dead in the eyes and tell her "I know you had sex with him in the hotel" and don't back down. Convince her that you know with 100% certainty. Just continue to stare at her with a straight stern look, until she answers you  and if she did sleep with him she'll most likely cave. In the off chance she didn't, you'll be able to tell by her reaction. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. The whole thing  sickens me. I felt so nauseated when I read about the hotel. I always try to see the good in people, but this situation appears to be getting bleaker. You and your kids deserve to be loved and cherished, not betrayed. Good luck to you. I'm still praying for the best outcome, whatever that may be. 

[notbroken]

At least you know.   Honestly, it is a cliche.   Spouse gets caught.  Says it was nothing.  Then says they just kissed.  Then it gets revealed it was more.  Then she says 'it was just once - and it wasn't very good', etc.    She had a physical affair.  She lied - repeatedly.   

The single biggest mistake I ever made in my personal life was 'staying together for the kids'.   I never trusted her ever again.  It was miserable.  Rug sweeping doesn't work.  Either divorce or get counselling and work all the way through it.  Knowing what I know now, I would divorce a cheater as fast as possible.   Couldn't be soon enough.

[Watercolors]

Mr Flibble I am sorry to hear that you have audio and soon will have receipt proof of your wife having sex with SH at a hotel after she sent him that no contact text. Now you know the truth and can proceed ahead with your divorce. It can be very civilized. You keep the house and your wife moves in with her parents until she gets back on her feet financially with a new full-time job. You have 100% custody of your two children since you have the house, and your wife can visit the children. Or something like that. 

You must be feeling a rollercoaster of emotions right now, Mr. Flibble. Please take care of yourself. 

[gamon]

Confronting your wife is pointless, as is all the discussions you've had with her.

Except for matters relating to the kids and running the household there is nothing left to talk about.

As suggested by another poster, the wife will certainly deny anything happened in the hotel. She's been trickletruthing you and lying the entire time, there's no reason to expect anything different.

Time to start making the break- you've already taken steps as far as the legal route goes, now it's time to start working on breaking the emotional connection.

Business ONLY.

 

[gamon]

6 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

You keep the house and your wife moves in with her parents until she gets back on her feet financially with a new full-time job. You have 100% custody of your two children since you have the house, and your wife can visit the children. Or something like that. 

Right and she can tie her unicorn up to the mailbox when she visits. Nice fantasy.

 

[S2B]

Given the latest info - I don’t see why it needs to be another conversation - that just gives her more reasons to lie even further.

when you see her today - serve her since the papers are ready and that’s what you’ve promised yourself you’d do if she slept with him.

you won’t get truth from her since she’s lied all along. Work out a plan and a schedule for the kids best interest and stick to it.

allow yourself to let go of her and move forward to find a sense of happiness again.

I'm sorry... but it is also good you now have some info that is real. Too bad the info wasn’t from your wife. But you really can’t trust her ever again.

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

Thank you all. She's coming in 15 minutes. I have the paperwork ready but I want to hear it from her. Hope she can be honest at least now. 

[mark clemson]

The usual sh*tshow. That's a shame. I too had hopes it wasn't the fully whammy this time. Very sad for you.

The OM didn't actually destroy your family. You are doing that by divorcing. Your wife wants reconciliation, but you are the one making the decision to divorce. Don't get me wrong - I don't blame you at all. People's emotional reactions are to a large extent biologically programmed and certainly her choice to cheat is what's triggering your choice to divorce. If it was me, I'm 99% sure I would be doing the same thing in your shoes.

I also don't really blame you for seeking revenge on the OM. I don't think it's (logically) necessary or particularly helpful, and may even lead to countermeasures, depending on how it goes and what type of person he is/what he's capable of. However, some people seem to need revenge as part of their emotional processing. Again, mostly biology, but it is what it is. C'est la vie.

Very sad situation.

Edited November 24, 2020 by mark clemson

[gamon]

1 minute ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

Thank you all. She's coming in 15 minutes. I have the paperwork ready but I want to hear it from her. Hope she can be honest at least now. 

Hope is not a strategy. Expecting her to suddenly be honest is coming from your emotions rather than your intelligence.

You've made several mistakes so far- including but not limited to allowing her to quit her job which will cost you bigttime in the long run, even though you say you make more than enough money. Two households get expensive very quickly. Child support will be based on a percentage of your income. Between that and spousal maintenance you'll be lucky if you see 30% of your income.

Stop talking to her. You are about to be at war with her- she will probably be the greatest adversary you will ever face in your lifetime. Anything you say to her can and probably will be used against you in a court of law.

 

[mark clemson]

19 minutes ago, gamon said:

You've made several mistakes so far- including but not limited to allowing her to quit her job which will cost you bigttime in the long run, even though you say you make more than enough money. Two households get expensive very quickly. Child support will be based on a percentage of your income.

THIS point I agree with. However, if people's lives and decisions were ruled by logic we'd live in a very different world.

The financial burdens vary by jurisdiction and Mr.Flilbble has indicated he's comfortable with what he'll lose. Certainly I don't blame him for divorcing, costs notwithstanding. Certainly it would have been helpful (financially) for her to have kept her job or at least her career prospects but that part was actually out of his control.

It's very sad - he seems like overall a nice and reasonable person. MOST of this was out of his control, sadly.

Edited November 24, 2020 by mark clemson

[TobyBoy]

I gotta say, for a first time cheater mrs f is a pretty accomplished liar and gaslighther! She had many convince all was confessed. But something about the texts from SH made it seem like Mrs F was the pursuer/instigator. Like the roles were reversed from your standard affair.
 

Not to generalize but, it’s usually the woman in an affair that’s texting “can’t stop thinking about you “ and “I love you” ........ while the male doesn’t reciprocate and keeps any acknowledgement hidden.  
 

Mr F, I’m sorry but it would appear in your case, your wife was in it for the physical part of the affair , while SH was more emotional invested. 

Edited November 24, 2020 by TobyBoy

[S2B]

I’d say stop talking to her - set up a schedule for the kids best benefit and stick to it.

anything she says now can’t be trusted. She’s just been lying and wasting your time by not OFFERING her truth. She’s been manipulating you to try and get her old life back. She should be using her time to get a new job ASAP!

 

Stop allowing her to stall YOUR healing!

Edited November 24, 2020 by S2B

[Ruby Slippers]

Ouch. I'm sorry to hear about this development. On the other hand, now you know.

I have zero experience with cheating, but it really made sense to me when other posters said grownups don't make out in a car only - it's almost certain they're going to seal the deal. Also, the way she reacted with so much guilt when you first confronted her, the fact that she didn't immediately deny anything happened, suggested strongly to me that they did go all the way. Ugh.

[mark clemson]

28 minutes ago, WorldsSecondGreatestLover said:

The issue that has everyone outraged is "who destroyed the marriage."

It's the one that broke the vows that destroyed it.  Not the one who reacts.

Sure I shot you... but you have the nerve to bleed out!

I disagree. I don't see a marriage as defined by vows. I see it defined by a mutual decision to continue together.

You may see it differently, that's fine. However, in truth, plenty of marriages survive the breaking of vows. The breaking of (one of the) vows doesn't necessarily end the marriage. And in fact in some marriages there's a mutual decision to disregard that vow (ie, an open marriage).

So, logically, it's the decision to divorce that ends a marriage.

Now, to get back to OP, while I don't recommend divorce, I personally certainly wouldn't expect him to try to work on the marriage under these circumstances. It is (quite understandably) bringing him too much distress. I'm in agreement with your perspective in that sense.

You BS's tend to be logical cake eaters when it comes to these things. You want to have it both ways. The cheater chose to cheat instead of work on the marriage (in cases where they were actually unhappy). But the BS somehow can't choose to work on their marriage. Sorry, no, logically you can't have it both ways. Divorce is a choice, just like reconciling, cheating, etc are. In this case the BS is making that choice.

Edited November 24, 2020 by mark clemson

[Harry Korsnes]

13 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I disagree. I don't see a marriage as defined by vows. I see it defined by a mutual decision to continue together.

You may see it differently, that's fine. However, in truth, plenty of marriages survive the breaking of vows. The breaking of (one of the) vows doesn't necessarily end the marriage. And in fact in some marriages there's a mutual decision to disregard that vow (ie, an open marriage).

So, logically, it's the decision to divorce that ends a marriage.

Now, to get back to OP, while I don't recommend divorce, I personally certainly wouldn't expect him to try to work on the marriage under these circumstances. It is (quite understandably) bringing him too much distress. I'm in agreement with your perspective in that sense.

You BS's tend to be logical cake eaters when it comes to these things. You want to have it both ways. The cheater chose to cheat instead of work on the marriage (in cases where they were actually unhappy). But the BS somehow can't choose to work on their marriage. Sorry, no, logically you can't have it both ways. Divorce is a choice, just like reconciling, cheating, etc are. In this case the BS is making that choice.

Imo she destroyed the marriage and the family, so he chose to end the marriage. 

[mark clemson]

^^ like everyone, you're welcome to your opinion. MANY people in the world have all sorts of opinions that don't stand up particularly well to logical scrutiny.

Your argument seems to hinge on a convenient (and IMO spurious) difference in definition between "destroy" and "end". If she had simply chosen to divorce him (instead of cheating) she would not be destroying the marriage?  Hmm. Nope.

I think she cheated, and he's ending the marriage (assuming that happens). It's really that simple.

[Dreamer2017]

It is that simple!!! She ended the marriage when she cheated.  It is up to Mr. F to offer an opportunity for the marriage to re-engage.  My opinion is totally logical!