I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

Thank you all for your input, you are really great. I am glad I came here for help  

We spoke today and ultimately decided to spend holidays together at my parent's. We are adults, we can deal with it. No need to punish kids

we set up 5 ground rules

- Wife wants to speak with my parents beforehand to make sure they are OK with her being there

- Separate beds/rooms

- Kids first! Always

- Absolutely NO fights or serious talks allowed

- I can speak up if it becomes too much and my wife will leave

 

It's going to be hard, but I hope we can pull it off.

 

And I am going out on Tuesday with some friends. Should be fun, I haven't been in a pub for ages. I think I need that. They know everything and NO WIFE TALK is allowed.

[Weezy1973]

I’ve read the thread - good plan for Christmas. I think in the end it will just come down to whether or not you can genuinely trust your wife moving forward. In my opinion there were two betrayals. One was the affair and subsequent coverup, and the second was the lie about being happy with being a stay at home mom. 
 

From what you’ve posted, there’s no doubt that your wife loves you. But can you trust her completely? Without needing to monitor her phone or whereabouts of course, otherwise it’s not really trust is it?

[Pottering About]

Going down the pub - best idea anyone has had on all of this thread 😆 Cheers 🍻 

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’ve read the thread - good plan for Christmas. I think in the end it will just come down to whether or not you can genuinely trust your wife moving forward.

That's a question I am asking myself everyday. I mean how can I? I know I caught up pretty early and I can read her quite good, but still. I refuse to play a watch dog. I read somewhere that trust is like a piece of porcelan. Once broken you can glue it together but it will never be the same. It's spot on.

 

That's the reason why I am honestly more and more turning towards the "divorce and see how it goes later" route. Don't know, maybe it's a bad idea. I know she loves me. And I love her, with all my heart. But I am afraid it might not be enough.

Today's been pretty rough and I was pretty close to calling her to come back and now I fell like I seriously hate her but want to hug her at the same time. Pathetic

I bought punching bag so I will get into it later to get it all out.

 

[TobyBoy]

1 hour ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

That's a question I am asking myself everyday. I mean how can I? I know I caught up pretty early and I can read her quite good, but still. I refuse to play a watch dog. I read somewhere that trust is like a piece of porcelan. Once broken you can glue it together but it will never be the same. It's spot on.

 

That's the reason why I am honestly more and more turning towards the "divorce and see how it goes later" route. Don't know, maybe it's a bad idea. I know she loves me. And I love her, with all my heart. But I am afraid it might not be enough.

Today's been pretty rough and I was pretty close to calling her to come back and now I fell like I seriously hate her but want to hug her at the same time. Pathetic

I bought punching bag so I will get into it later to get it all out.

 

They don’t call it a roller coaster for nothing!
This is normal, many believe the 6 month mark is when you’ll start feeling a somewhat semblance of normalcy. 
Punching bag is an excellent idea, let some aggression out! You’re doing  great! 

Edited December 10, 2020 by TobyBoy

[Pottering About]

Why go down the divorce and see how it goes later route when you could just stay separated and see how it goes? Will save a lot of money!

Your behaviours and feelings are not unusual in these circumstances and, to be honest, are pretty much standard responses. Could go on for hours about this but have you considered googling stages of recovering from betrayal? May stop you beating yourself up.

[Mrin]

2 minutes ago, Pottering About said:

Why go down the divorce and see how it goes later route when you could just stay separated and see how it goes? Will save a lot of money!

I have two theories on this and they're probably both true:

1. The OP wants to keep punishing her and the divorced and see what happens later is a form of punishment. I don't know if this is intentional or his subconscious doing this. It is being reinforced by several posters on this thread who keep telling him that he hasn't make her feel any ramifications for her transgression. To that I would say, "dude, it was just a kiss. You kicked her out, air her dirty laundry to her parents, go through such emotional grief that she lost 10 lbs in a week, quit her job/get fired, go into IC, beg, plead, cry, cry some more, etc... I'm pretty f***ing sure she feels the ramifications. At some point man, you have to realize it was just a kiss. Sure... she might have ended having sex with him in the future but you don't know that. You can't convict her of crimes she didn't commit"

2. The OP is hurting and divorce seems like the easy button to ease his pain. As a dude who went through the most amicable of all possible divorces, let me assure you, there is nothing remotely easy about that button. Here, let me help you out and clue you in on what lies on the other side of that button. You want to go on with the rest of your life being the guy that broke your family apart over a kiss? Great. Have at it. How about every single time your kids complain about having to be shuttled from one house to the other for the rest of their childhood... and knowing you're the guy that did that over a kiss? Knock yourself out buddy. You want to hear through your kids about how sad and lonely your ex-wife is because you ended it over a kiss? Be my guest. How about when your ex-wife starts dating or marries some complete douchebag and he's now a step father to you kids and gets to spend 50% of their time with him.... ya that was your call bro. You think any of those will be easier or less painful than what you're going through now???  Take it from a guy who knows - there is nothing easy about the other side of that button.

Sooner or later the OP has to get his act together and put everything in perspective. 

Mrin

 

[Zona]

Good plan for the holidays!

I believe you are in Europe. Here in the U.S. some recent surveys that completely protect anonymity show about 46% cheat, similar numbers for men and women. The numbers in Europe and Australia that I have come across are even worse!

This study shows that women are somewhere between 5  and 6 times more likely to admit to cheating if they are surveyed using a computer anonymously as opposed to a face to face survey. If that study is accurate, it shows that cheating is the norm, and monogamy is not.

My point being there are no guarantees that if you divorce and hook up with another woman that she will be faithful. Both men and women have weaknesses that can lead them to have affairs. There are some men that have a knack for seducing married women, and they will always be around unless you live in a cave on a deserted island somewhere.

Just something to consider. Ultimately you will have to decide if this is a deal-breaker. Constantly being around the source of your pain is too much for many people, and in that case divorce is a good option. If I'm ultimately unable to reconcile with my WW I will probably stay single. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Zona

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, Mrin said:

I have two theories on this and they're probably both true:

1. The OP wants to keep punishing her and the divorced and see what happens later is a form of punishment. I don't know if this is intentional or his subconscious doing this. It is being reinforced by several posters on this thread who keep telling him that he hasn't make her feel any ramifications for her transgression. To that I would say, "dude, it was just a kiss. You kicked her out, air her dirty laundry to her parents, go through such emotional grief that she lost 10 lbs in a week, quit her job/get fired, go into IC, beg, plead, cry, cry some more, etc... I'm pretty f***ing sure she feels the ramifications. At some point man, you have to realize it was just a kiss. Sure... she might have ended having sex with him in the future but you don't know that. You can't convict her of crimes she didn't commit"

2. The OP is hurting and divorce seems like the easy button to ease his pain. As a dude who went through the most amicable of all possible divorces, let me assure you, there is nothing remotely easy about that button. Here, let me help you out and clue you in on what lies on the other side of that button. You want to go on with the rest of your life being the guy that broke your family apart over a kiss? Great. Have at it. How about every single time your kids complain about having to be shuttled from one house to the other for the rest of their childhood... and knowing you're the guy that did that over a kiss? Knock yourself out buddy. You want to hear through your kids about how sad and lonely your ex-wife is because you ended it over a kiss? Be my guest. How about when your ex-wife starts dating or marries some complete douchebag and he's now a step father to you kids and gets to spend 50% of their time with him.... ya that was your call bro. You think any of those will be easier or less painful than what you're going through now???  Take it from a guy who knows - there is nothing easy about the other side of that button.

Sooner or later the OP has to get his act together and put everything in perspective. 

Mrin

 

You make it sound like, one day, out of the blue, without any communication, buildup, or development of any kind of emotional bond, she and the other guy (complete strangers) just bumped into each other and their lips accidentally met.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/10/2020 at 11:39 PM, DKT3 said:

....most men do in fact divorce unfaithful wives,  

No one, yet everyone is the "victim" here. Actually the real victims are the kids. They are the only Innocents in the whole sordid scenario.

As they should divorce on the sound advice of an attorney, not this DYI ruin her life for revenge crap 

There's kids involved. Unfortunately I have zero respect for people who hate thier spouses more than they love thier kids and all their ego and anger driven actions make them blind to this 

 

Edited December 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
berating other individuals

[elaine567]

11 hours ago, Mrin said:

You kicked her out, air her dirty laundry to her parents, go through such emotional grief that she lost 10 lbs in a week, quit her job/get fired, go into IC, beg, plead, cry, cry some more, etc... I'm pretty f***ing sure she feels the ramifications.

Exactly.

OP
I get the anger the hurt the upset but this is the mother of your kids and what you are putting her through is emotional abuse.
Once broken by abuse, people do not just heal and everything is hunky dory again. It leads to depression and all sorts of mental issues and anguish for years into the future.
Once you beat someone down to lose hope, or keep them in some sort of horrible limbo, then anything is in fact possible including suicide...
Depressed broken abused individuals do not make good parents, nor do angry, vengeful abusers.
A mix of the two makes for some very mixed up and damaged kids.
Take a  step back and consider the ramifications of YOUR actions here.  


 

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

12 hours ago, Pottering About said:

Why go down the divorce and see how it goes later route when you could just stay separated and see how it goes? Will save a lot of money!

Your behaviours and feelings are not unusual in these circumstances and, to be honest, are pretty much standard responses. Could go on for hours about this but have you considered googling stages of recovering from betrayal? May stop you beating yourself up.

I don't know, I definitely don't want to rush into anything. It's life altering decision so I give it some time. As I said before my wife is absolutely crushed and remorseful so it's a lot different situation than many people who are cheated on find themselves in. I would already file for divorce if it wasn't the case. 

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

12 hours ago, Mrin said:

I have two theories on this and they're probably both true:

1. The OP wants to keep punishing her and the divorced and see what happens later is a form of punishment. I don't know if this is intentional or his subconscious doing this. It is being reinforced by several posters on this thread who keep telling him that he hasn't make her feel any ramifications for her transgression. To that I would say, "dude, it was just a kiss. You kicked her out, air her dirty laundry to her parents, go through such emotional grief that she lost 10 lbs in a week, quit her job/get fired, go into IC, beg, plead, cry, cry some more, etc... I'm pretty f***ing sure she feels the ramifications. At some point man, you have to realize it was just a kiss. Sure... she might have ended having sex with him in the future but you don't know that. You can't convict her of crimes she didn't commit"

2. The OP is hurting and divorce seems like the easy button to ease his pain. As a dude who went through the most amicable of all possible divorces, let me assure you, there is nothing remotely easy about that button. Here, let me help you out and clue you in on what lies on the other side of that button. You want to go on with the rest of your life being the guy that broke your family apart over a kiss? Great. Have at it. How about every single time your kids complain about having to be shuttled from one house to the other for the rest of their childhood... and knowing you're the guy that did that over a kiss? Knock yourself out buddy. You want to hear through your kids about how sad and lonely your ex-wife is because you ended it over a kiss? Be my guest. How about when your ex-wife starts dating or marries some complete douchebag and he's now a step father to you kids and gets to spend 50% of their time with him.... ya that was your call bro. You think any of those will be easier or less painful than what you're going through now???  Take it from a guy who knows - there is nothing easy about the other side of that button.

Sooner or later the OP has to get his act together and put everything in perspective. 

Mrin

 

No idea why this keeps coming up but again - I am not doing this to punsh my wife. Yes, she needs to know to what she did has a major impact on our marriage. But there is no point of kicking her when she's down. She's my wife, the woman I love, and a mother of our children.

But it's absolutely awful to suggest that it was "just a kiss" and I should get over it. It wasn't just a kiss, it was an multiple months long affair which didn't end up with them having sex mostly because I listened to my guts and stepped in. If we divorce It won't my fault because I can't get over some "stupid kiss" but because my wife made a decision after decision to disrespect our marriage and not think about consequences. SHE decided to piss over our marriage, me and our kids.

Divorce is not minor inconvenience, it's life altering decision and I hate my wife for putting me in situation where I need to decide to either lose my family and home or swallow my pride and let her walk all over me. No matter what decidion I make I will lose. 

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

On 12/11/2020 at 3:24 AM, Zona said:

Good plan for the holidays!

I believe you are in Europe. Here in the U.S. some recent surveys that completely protect anonymity show about 46% cheat, similar numbers for men and women. The numbers in Europe and Australia that I have come across are even worse!

This study shows that women are somewhere between 5  and 6 times more likely to admit to cheating if they are surveyed using a computer anonymously as opposed to a face to face survey. If that study is accurate, it shows that cheating is the norm, and monogamy is not.

My point being there are no guarantees that if you divorce and hook up with another woman that she will be faithful. Both men and women have weaknesses that can lead them to have affairs. There are some men that have a knack for seducing married women, and they will always be around unless you live in a cave on a deserted island somewhere.

Just something to consider. Ultimately you will have to decide if this is a deal-breaker. Constantly being around the source of your pain is too much for many people, and in that case divorce is a good option. If I'm ultimately unable to reconcile with my WW I will probably stay single. 

Honestly, I don't [REDACTED] about statistics. I see it as a very simple concept.

You can't be bothered with being faithful - don't get married and don't have kids!

You don't like your current relationship - speak up, work on it or leave!

What and how I feel around my wife differs significantly with every meetup. But I hope my love for her is bigger than my resentment. If so, great! We can start the process of rebuilding what was destroyed. If not? Well.

Edited December 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed Inappropriate Comment and Extra Spacing

[itmustbeme]

I want to commend you on how you are working through this. Don’t listen to those who say you are being abusive that is a load of crap.

If a man cheats women try and throw them out of the house. Happens all the time yet no one calls that abusive. Just another double standard where women get to cheat and people feel sorry for them.  I don’t recall ever seeing a man out of the house as abuse. It’s called consequences for having an affair.

Take your time and decide if this is a deal breaker. I personally would not forgive but if you can take your time. It is not abuse and you didn’t bring another person into the marriage she did.

Best of wishes for your whole family.

[Zona]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Depressed broken abused individuals do not make good parents, nor do angry, vengeful abusers.

Calling OP a vengeful abuser is absurd and cruel. You are saying that telling the truth about what she did is abuse? Or expecting her to not work with her AP is abuse?

Mr. Flibble, what you are doing is wise and completely legitimate and NOT ABUSE. You're not the bad guy here. If she is suffering it is because of HER ACTIONS. If my WW is somewhat damaged psychologically because of her actions, that is on her.

[Acacia98]

37 minutes ago, Zona said:

Calling OP a vengeful abuser is absurd and cruel. You are saying that telling the truth about what she did is abuse? Or expecting her to not work with her AP is abuse?

Mr. Flibble, what you are doing is wise and completely legitimate and NOT ABUSE. You're not the bad guy here. If she is suffering it is because of HER ACTIONS. If my WW is somewhat damaged psychologically because of her actions, that is on her.

I think the folks calling him abusive are referring to how he communicated to her about what lies ahead. She's essentially in limbo because she doesn't know if he's leaning towards divorce or when he'll decide, and she's scared that anything she says or does could be the wrong thing because it might push him in that direction. They seem to think he's doing it deliberately to cause her pain. I don't think he is. I think he genuinely doesn't know what he'll decide because the pain is still fresh for him. But I do think the suggestion that he get professional help is on point (I can't remember what was decided on this issue in previous posts). 

That's what I think they mean, anyway. I could be wrong. It would be more helpful if they said exactly what they meant (in details) and suggested healthier routes that OP could take (again, in details). 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Acacia98

[Ruby Slippers]

He's 100% justified in taking as much time as he needs to figure out if he can stomach staying with a woman who's proven herself to be perfectly capable of carrying on an emotional affair and making out with some loser. It's highly likely she would have had sex with him if it had continued. I've never cheated or been cheated on as far as I know, but I can't imagine ever feeling the same way again about a man who did this. Character is everything. Without it, you have nothing.

SHE destroyed something precious that is now gone forever. SHE is responsible for all this turmoil. He's been remarkably fair and level-headed given the situation.

[princessaurora]

She is in emotional turmoil because of her own actions. Mr. Flibble did not cause her to lose her job. She did that by having an inappropriate situation with a coworker. She should have never allowed herself to be in this situation. Mr. Flibble did not tell her to share personal details about her marriage with another man that started an emotional affair. She also did this all by herself. Then she allowed it to become physical.  Now she has to deal with the consequences. Mr. Flibble can't help how he feels. It may be seen as punishment to her, but OP is hurting deeply by this and will probably go to the grave wondering if she disclosed the truth about everything even if he eventually comes to peace with what she has or hasn't done. So if he doesn't want to give her any physical affection right now, that's understandable and he shouldn't force himself to just to make her feel better. He has to do that in his own time, if ever again. 

I do feel somewhat bad for her because she's having a rough time, and has had her whole world turned upside down, but she created this storm by not shutting this guy down when he first showed interest. But i'm not sure making her move out was the best decision assuming she didn't sleep with SH. I've never heard of someone moving into a separate place unless there was actual intercourse and the wife swears up and down there wasn't. Yes, i know it was an affair, but she didn't let it escalate to sex (that we know of)  and I think she deserves a little bit of slack for that. But she still broke her vows and destroyed the trust her husband has in her and he may never be able to get past that.  If she was truly unhappy about being a sahm and she needed something  more than going back to work, she should have discussed this with the OP so they could work it out together. A husband and wife are a team and if one is not happy, they need to confide in the other so they can figure out what needs to change. That's how you keep a marriage strong. You meet each other's needs so noone feels inclined to seek another to do so. She chose to go outside the marriage and cannot boo hoo her way out of this. Even if Mr Flibble decides to reconcile it will take alot of time and patience. He is not a bad person because he's not taking it easy on her.  He is simply reacting like a spouse whose wife of 13 years  turned to another man both emotionally and physically , totally  discounting the effect it could have on her husband and children and noone should fault him for that. And if he swept it under the rug as "just a kiss", she's likely to do it again because in the end it turned out to be no big deal. 

Mr Flibble, 

I continue to pray for you and your wife and wish this never happened to you. It's a horrible situation to be in and I empathize with your pain.  Just please remember everyone here is just giving opinions and advisements. It's your life and ultimately you need to be the one to decide how to move forward. Good luck.  

 

[Ruby Slippers]

7 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

But i'm not sure making her move out was the best decision assuming she didn't sleep with SH.

It makes perfect sense to me. If my man did what she did, I'd absolutely want plenty of time and space to myself to consider whether or not I could stomach being with him for the rest of my life. It wouldn't do anybody any good to be stuck in a bitter, conflicted, hostile environment while he figures that out for himself.

[princessaurora]

39 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

It makes perfect sense to me. If my man did what she did, I'd absolutely want plenty of time and space to myself to consider whether or not I could stomach being with him for the rest of my life. It wouldn't do anybody any good to be stuck in a bitter, conflicted, hostile environment while he figures that out for himself.

I don't know. I just think getting kicked out of her house when she just lost her job may be a little too much.  Just my opinion. 

[Harry Korsnes]

5 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

She is in emotional turmoil because of her own actions. Mr. Flibble did not cause her to lose her job. She did that by having an inappropriate situation with a coworker. She should have never allowed herself to be in this situation. Mr. Flibble did not tell her to share personal details about her marriage with another man that started an emotional affair. She also did this all by herself. Then she allowed it to become physical.  Now she has to deal with the consequences. Mr. Flibble can't help how he feels. It may be seen as punishment to her, but OP is hurting deeply by this and will probably go to the grave wondering if she disclosed the truth about everything even if he eventually comes to peace with what she has or hasn't done. So if he doesn't want to give her any physical affection right now, that's understandable and he shouldn't force himself to just to make her feel better. He has to do that in his own time, if ever again. 

I do feel somewhat bad for her because she's having a rough time, and has had her whole world turned upside down, but she created this storm by not shutting this guy down when he first showed interest. But i'm not sure making her move out was the best decision assuming she didn't sleep with SH. I've never heard of someone moving into a separate place unless there was actual intercourse and the wife swears up and down there wasn't. Yes, i know it was an affair, but she didn't let it escalate to sex (that we know of)  and I think she deserves a little bit of slack for that. But she still broke her vows and destroyed the trust her husband has in her and he may never be able to get past that.  If she was truly unhappy about being a sahm and she needed something  more than going back to work, she should have discussed this with the OP so they could work it out together. A husband and wife are a team and if one is not happy, they need to confide in the other so they can figure out what needs to change. That's how you keep a marriage strong. You meet each other's needs so noone feels inclined to seek another to do so. She chose to go outside the marriage and cannot boo hoo her way out of this. Even if Mr Flibble decides to reconcile it will take alot of time and patience. He is not a bad person because he's not taking it easy on her.  He is simply reacting like a spouse whose wife of 13 years  turned to another man both emotionally and physically , totally  discounting the effect it could have on her husband and children and noone should fault him for that. And if he swept it under the rug as "just a kiss", she's likely to do it again because in the end it turned out to be no big deal. 

Mr Flibble, 

I continue to pray for you and your wife and wish this never happened to you. It's a horrible situation to be in and I empathize with your pain.  Just please remember everyone here is just giving opinions and advisements. It's your life and ultimately you need to be the one to decide how to move forward. Good luck.  

 

Perfekt written! 

I was almost about to write exactly the same as your post. Some talk about him abusing his wife when he came here for advice. In my eyes the way i see its them who are abusing him.

 

[Dreamer2017]

Excellent Post Princessaurora!!!

[Ruby Slippers]

24 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

I don't know. I just think getting kicked out of her house when she just lost her job may be a little too much.  Just my opinion. 

He says she agreed to leave until they figure out what's next. Legally, she didn't have to go. But I think it's the least she can do after messing around with this loser and putting all the family relationships in jeopardy. She brought it on herself.

[DKT3]

We have a few posters who have been here for years screaming abuse any time a man doesn't lay down and accept whatever a woman does...now we've had an influx of guys who have done just that post here, trying to make any guy who doesn't seem wrong.

We all have our own journey. 

To those who feel OP is in the wrong for anything he has done, ask yourself if he would have done it without his wife doing what she did? After all she is an adult who behaved poorly,  here in the real world there are consequences for poor behavior.  Its on her, losing her job..on her.