I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker

[Zona]

6 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

The reasons why she did it are pretty clear - being SAHM and low self-esteem. Combine that with boring everyday life, put in a jerk who knows how to play it and it goes downhill from there.

The "cheater's high" is incredibly addicting, almost like narcotics which act on the brain in a similar way. That is why people with morals don't go down that rabbit hole to begin with.

Of course your wife's behavior at the zoo makes one suspicious. Seems overboard if all she really did was kiss and flirt, and if she never cheated on you before. 

Give her time to get her emotions under control. Once she composes herself, you might get more out of her. I would be a little bit gentle, seems like she is in a fragile state.

 

Edited December 12, 2020 by Zona

[Ruby Slippers]

Rain can bring out emotions, you offered a loving gesture of protection, you were all behaving like a family again, and it really sank in for her just how badly she messed up - which she totally did. There's no going back from this and she'll have to live with that forever. Has either of you started counseling? I'd get on that right away. 

[Mrin]

27 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Rain can bring out emotions, you offered a loving gesture of protection, you were all behaving like a family again, and it really sank in for her just how badly she messed up - which she totally did. There's no going back from this and she'll have to live with that forever. Has either of you started counseling? I'd get on that right away. 

This. Spot on.

[Acacia98]

48 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Has either of you started counseling? I'd get on that right away. 

This is really important. Please heed the advice.

And my personal opinion is that it probably isn't a good idea for y'all to be trying to play happy families "for the kids." Your pain is still too raw. And she's emotionally distraught (I mean, she's even lost weight drastically). You can't cover that up with Christmas trees and carols and stuff.

Get yourselves into counselling. Your kids need parents who are being professionally guided towards healthier ways of solving their problems much more than they need a magical Christmas.

Edited December 12, 2020 by Acacia98

[spiritedaway2003]

57 minutes ago, Mrin said:

This. Spot on.

Spot on.  And if she is not eating well and not taking care of herself, she's not in the best mental state.  Probably near a near mental breakdown. 

It doesn't mean you mean to cave to whatever you have decide (or still deciding).  I would just say that unlike what most people say, you can hurt someone you love, even if it wasn't intended.  Like what she did to you.  And what you are doing to her.  Intentionally or not. 

[WorldsSecondGreatestLover]

Quote

I couldn't get out of her what is wrong but I told her I am not letting it go until she tells me what the hell was that. She even called herself "a c.nt" few times. She never in her life did that.

Bad sign.  One the one hand, it might just be the stress of the past month finally coming to bear on a little gesture... or she might be hiding the whole story and she knows what happens when it comes out.  Could go either way.  Praying for you.

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

she's not in the best mental state.  Probably near a near mental breakdown. 

I agree.
She "lost it" at the Zoo, in front of the kids and everyone around.
Someone who was in control would have excused herself and "lost it" in the nearest toilet or "lost it" when she got home.
She needs professional help.
Make sure she has plenty of support and is not left alone.

 

[Annonymous1234]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I agree.
She "lost it" at the Zoo, in front of the kids and everyone around.
Someone who was in control would have excused herself and "lost it" in the nearest toilet or "lost it" when she got home.
She needs professional help.
Make sure she has plenty of support and is not left alone.

 

I absolutely agree with this bolded comment. I wish you and your family all the best, Mr Fibble. 

[DKT3]

On 12/11/2020 at 1:48 AM, Wiseman2 said:

No one, yet everyone is the "victim" here. Actually the real victims are the kids. They are the only Innocents in the whole sordid scenario.

As they should divorce on the sound advice of an attorney, not this DYI ruin her life for revenge crap 

There's kids involved. Unfortunately I have zero respect for people who hate thier spouses more than they love thier kids and all their ego and anger driven actions make them blind to this 

Frankly I understand tempered advice is the minority/ piled up on in this subforum full of battle scarred individuals. That's ok.

I think its actually very passive advice,  and does nothing to help those who actually want to find the answer to the problem.  Your overall message is "it shouldn't be a big deal, just move on" its disrespectful,  it devalues people's feelings or makes them question themselves while in a position of total confusion and unsure futures. 

It works for you and that's fine...divorce and radio silence worked for me...for awhile. Then it dawned on me its not ok to just pile dirt on a hole if you don't fix whats made/making the hole. 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

I couldn't get out of her what is wrong but I told her I am not letting it go until she tells me what the hell was that. 

Do you really not know what was wrong with her?   Let me spell it out:  She made a mistake and as a result she's been told to leave home.  She can't see her kids all the time.  You won't commit to saving the marriage or walking away.    Mate, her whole world has imploded and she's at the point of having a breakdown.....and you're upset because playing happy families didn't work out for you.   

Demanding answers to what should be blindingly obvious seems like more unnecessary torture from you.  

 

[Watercolors]

Mr Flibble, either there is more your wife has done with SH like have sex with him, and that’s why the rain and your loving gesture of offering her your coat triggered her, or she’s so mentally downtrodden that your loving gesture alone triggered her. But what is truly alarming, is the way she is behaving now: locking herself in your guest room, being hysterical, and not caring enough about how her selfish behavior (sorry, but her breakdown at the zoo was her thinking about herself, so it was self centered) is affecting you and your young daughters. 

Your wife is very self-centered. I’m sorry but from an outsider’s perspective, if she had really cared about you and your daughters, she would have thought ahead and brought her own coat or umbrella for Christ sake. How difficult is that to do? Or, she would have excused herself to protect your two daughters from her response, and gone and cried in the nearest bathroom then wiped her tears and continued on the day at the zoo, putting your daughters’ needs first. But she can’t do that, because she’s not capable of caring about anyone else but herself. I don’t care how torn up she is. If you have children, you keep your s*** together and you make sure you don’t take out your drama on them. Because when you do, it has lasting consequences that are NEVER good. 

She needs to come clean with you. She needs to leave you your house. She needs to get into therapy, like, yesterday. I admit. I haven’t liked your wife since she cheated on you and I have tried to empathize with her but I just can’t. I think she is a horrible person for what she’s done to you and the way she’s put her selfish needs ahead of her own children’s well-being. 

[LynneVicious]

10 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Mr Flibble, either there is more your wife has done with SH like have sex with him, and that’s why the rain and your loving gesture of offering her your coat triggered her, or she’s so mentally downtrodden that your loving gesture alone triggered her. But what is truly alarming, is the way she is behaving now: locking herself in your guest room, being hysterical, and not caring enough about how her selfish behavior (sorry, but her breakdown at the zoo was her thinking about herself, so it was self centered) is affecting you and your young daughters. 

Your wife is very self-centered. I’m sorry but from an outsider’s perspective, if she had really cared about you and your daughters, she would have thought ahead and brought her own coat or umbrella for Christ sake. How difficult is that to do? Or, she would have excused herself to protect your two daughters from her response, and gone and cried in the nearest bathroom then wiped her tears and continued on the day at the zoo, putting your daughters’ needs first. But she can’t do that, because she’s not capable of caring about anyone else but herself. I don’t care how torn up she is. If you have children, you keep your s*** together and you make sure you don’t take out your drama on them. Because when you do, it has lasting consequences that are NEVER good. 

She needs to come clean with you. She needs to leave you your house. She needs to get into therapy, like, yesterday. I admit. I haven’t liked your wife since she cheated on you and I have tried to empathize with her but I just can’t. I think she is a horrible person for what she’s done to you and the way she’s put her selfish needs ahead of her own children’s well-being. 

Very true. Good point. I remember when I learned my ex was cheating on me. Felt like a lead ball dropped in my stomach. My kids were very young - 2,2,4. I packed them up to get away for a week to my uncles vacation house myself and acted like nothing was wrong but I was devastated inside. It was very difficult to do, but I can’t imagine them seeing me freaking out - crying, screaming, etc. 

[Watercolors]

6 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Very true. Good point. I remember when I learned my ex was cheating on me. Felt like a lead ball dropped in my stomach. My kids were very young - 2,2,4. I packed them up to get away for a week to my uncles vacation house myself and acted like nothing was wrong but I was devastated inside. It was very difficult to do, but I can’t imagine them seeing me freaking out - crying, screaming, etc. 

Sorry you went through that too. But at least you put your children’s emotional well-being ahead of your own emotional needs. 

I feel bad for Mr. Flibble but I feel like he’s allowing his wife to act this way because they’ve been together for so long. And the dynamic of their relationship is the real issue here. Her cheating on him is the symptom of a much larger problem. People don’t cheat “just because.” They cheat because they are using sex with another person to help them avoid dealing with a situation or issue that is so traumatic to them, that they just don’t want to confront that situation or issue, because of the negative feelings it will bring up in them. Most people feel inconvenienced by negative emotions, so they act out as adults, hoping that will distract them from having to come to grips with reality. 

Whenever I hear about parents freaking out in front of their children, my blood boils because that’s just so selfish and childish for them to do. If you have children, you need to be a role model to them. I get it. Nobody’s perfect. But Mr. Flibble’s wife’s freak out in public at the zoo, then her locking herself in the guest room so she can be hysterical is just going to traumatize her daughters in the long run as I’m sure it already has. 

[LynneVicious]

2 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Sorry you went through that too. But at least you put your children’s emotional well-being ahead of your own emotional needs. 

I feel bad for Mr. Flibble but I feel like he’s allowing his wife to act this way because they’ve been together for so long. And the dynamic of their relationship is the real issue here. Her cheating on him is the symptom of a much larger problem. People don’t cheat “just because.” They cheat because they are using sex with another person to help them avoid dealing with a situation or issue that is so traumatic to them, that they just don’t want to confront that situation or issue, because of the negative feelings it will bring up in them. Most people feel inconvenienced by negative emotions, so they act out as adults, hoping that will distract them from having to come to grips with reality. 

Whenever I hear about parents freaking out in front of their children, my blood boils because that’s just so selfish and childish for them to do. If you have children, you need to be a role model to them. I get it. Nobody’s perfect. But Mr. Flibble’s wife’s freak out in public at the zoo, then her locking herself in the guest room so she can be hysterical is just going to traumatize her daughters in the long run as I’m sure it already has. 

Some people cheat just because they are selfish. No other reason. 

But yes, the young children seeing their mom like that is awful. I agree with counseling ASAP. As well as a conversation about keeping it together in front of the kids. 
 

Its too bad there’s no handbook in dealing with trauma like this. One has to be selfish anyway to cheat. And they’re not looking at anyone else’s feelings but their own. Its too bad. Its easy to see as an outsider, but when you’re living it, I guess it’s difficult to see. 

[Watercolors]

3 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Some people cheat just because they are selfish. No other reason. 

But yes, the young children seeing their mom like that is awful. I agree with counseling ASAP. As well as a conversation about keeping it together in front of the kids. 
 

Its too bad there’s no handbook in dealing with trauma like this. One has to be selfish anyway to cheat. And they’re not looking at anyone else’s feelings but their own. Its too bad. Its easy to see as an outsider, but when you’re living it, I guess it’s difficult to see. 

I agree with everything you’ve written except the part where people “just cheat” because they can. There is always a reason that motivates people to cheat. They are running away from something internally within themselves. But yes. Selfish people definitely cheat. 

Well, there’s a ton of books written by therapists about cheating. So, technically there is a handbook for how to navigate being cheated on. LOL

[LynneVicious]

I remember buying books to help me navigate through it. It was just so traumatizing. I never got an answer from my ex about why he cheated - regularly I discovered as he was a serial cheater- it was always an “I’m sorry, BUT...” he cheated because he was selfish and wanted more sex  

I learned that whenever there’s a “but” after an apology, it’s not a true apology. 

[Teebeevee]

It seems like she’s content with with leading a double life. In result she’s taking your love and commitment to the marriage for granted. But as humans I think we’ll going to battle with our heart and mind. And eventually things should fall in place as it suppose to. Follow your instinct. Best luck to you both.  

[Watercolors]

22 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

I remember buying books to help me navigate through it. It was just so traumatizing. I never got an answer from my ex about why he cheated - regularly I discovered as he was a serial cheater- it was always an “I’m sorry, BUT...” he cheated because he was selfish and wanted more sex  

I learned that whenever there’s a “but” after an apology, it’s not a true apology. 

I agree. Being cheated on is very traumatizing. And I agree with you also, that cheaters never really express genuine remorse. I mean, how can they? They’ve violated another person’s trust in a way that goes beyond the superficial. And while a cheater can say “I’m sorry,” to their victim, it’s often times, an apology motivated by “whoops, I got caught!” Instead of “I acknowledge that I violated a sacred trust between us.” 

I agree. Whenever anyone adds a conjunction like “but...” to their apology, it’s a verbal tool they use to deflect being truly held accountable for their behavior. “But I didn’t mean to cheat on you.” Uh huh. Yes you did, or you wouldn’t have done it. 

19 minutes ago, Teebeevee said:

It seems like she’s content with with leading a double life. In result she’s taking your love and commitment to the marriage for granted. But as humans I think we’ll going to battle with our heart and mind. And eventually things should fall in place as it suppose to. Follow your instinct. Best luck to you both.  

Agreed. She is definitely taking her marriage to Mr. Flibble for granted. And the battle between the heart and the mind is an ongoing battle. It never ends. The balanced mind is the middle ground between the emotional mind and the reasonable mind. Finding that balance is the hard part. 

Edited December 13, 2020 by Watercolors

[TobyBoy]

If I had to guess and if she’s following the “cheaters handbook” I’d say she broke no-contact and now realizes that she pretty much destroyed all hope for reconciliation. 

[Buffer]

I think we are all reading too much into her reaction at the zoo, it rained Mr Flibble showed a gesture of kindness and her bubble burst. IE a melt down. 
Surmising possible breaking NC, additional sex acts etc are not helping OP. 
Calm the waters, talk and see what her thoughts are. Could be just the emotional stress of it all to a further DD. 
One day at a time. 
Buffer 

[DKT3]

I was thinking this also. I've seen situation where the husband simply did something that disputed the narrative that made her ok with cheating in the first place. Or she could have spent the day as a family and finally truly realized that she risked that being an option in the future

[MickeyBill]

I tend to look on the bright side and give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes to my regret. My Mr Brightside says that the small gesture of giving her your coat was a simple yet huge sign to her that you still care about and love her and she is so close to losing it all because of a kiss.

Locking herself in the room and calling herself is a c**t is a very bad sign, judging from the way you describe her breakdown I would not push her for anything right now until you are sure that she will not do anything like self harm. Keep her at home or with her family someone needs to keep an eye on her. She should not go anywhere by herself or be left alone.

[Watercolors]

34 minutes ago, MickeyBill said:

I tend to look on the bright side and give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes to my regret. My Mr Brightside says that the small gesture of giving her your coat was a simple yet huge sign to her that you still care about and love her and she is so close to losing it all because of a kiss.

Locking herself in the room and calling herself is a c**t is a very bad sign, judging from the way you describe her breakdown I would not push her for anything right now until you are sure that she will not do anything like self harm. Keep her at home or with her family someone needs to keep an eye on her. She should not go anywhere by herself or be left alone.

Mr Flibble's wife's overreaction; locking herself in the guest bedroom to continue her hysterics that her two young daughters were forced to witness at the zoo, in the car ride home, and inside their own home.

The message the wife sends her daughters is that women are weak and unable to cope with life's difficulties.

Those two little girls learn by observation at that age.

If Mr. Flibble doesn't step up and talk to his two daughters "honestly" about what they witnessed, god only knows what trauma message the wife's behavior has imprinted on their innocent little brains, about how to cope with life, how to communicate, who to communicate to, and how to feel internally when faced with conflict. If Mr. Flibble ignores that responsibility by brushing the incident under the rug, and minimizing that dramatic scene it's not for the daughters' benefits, it's for his and his wife's. "Just one more thing," that he has to take on, that he probably doesn't want to: the mental wellbeing of his little girls while this all unfolds.

Please don't minimize their feelings or ignore their questions, Mr. Flibble. Please be honest with them in a way that they feel their dad has validated their feelings, made them feel secure, so that they don't worry and internalize their mom's sadness as their own. You do not want them to learn that coping pattern from your wife, b/c that is a lifelong pattern that can take a long time to unlearn.

[Pottering About]

Unfortunately, no one said this was going to be easy. Sorry this happened and it is a set back and there will be more. Along with quite a few others, still think this is a marriage worth fighting for.

If this is a major mental breakdown by your wife, should you now be rethinking how you approach the future? Is it still appropriate at this moment for your wife to be taking on her own apartment or should she stay with her parents until she achieves some sort of equilibrium? Same with any new job. Absolutely agree she needs therapy as you don’t want her self harming or anything worse. 

Do you think that some posters on here still have unresolved issues with their own relationships which manifest themselves in some pretty hostile and/or toxic comments directed at both your wife and yourself? 
 

One point for clarification . Did you recently say that SH’s wife wanted to speak to your wife on the phone? If so, did they actually speak and do you know what was said? It is just that you said SH’s wife was compiling a dossier on SH and not sure whether SH might have said something ( most likely untrue) to his wife to try and get back at your marriage. 

There is a new thread by Carmelsund on here today where she talks about surviving infidelity. May be worth a read and she may be able to offer good advice based on her experiences.

Keep going!

Edited December 13, 2020 by Pottering About
Update

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Pottering About said:

There is a new thread by Carmelsund on here today where she talks about surviving infidelity. 

The best advice is from trained licenced professionals for the emotional fall out and expert legal advice for the technicalities of separate living, children visitation,etc..

With expert professional guidence, the kids would be much more protected.

Infidelity sites may be good places to vent,rant etc. but it's no substitute for specific personalized professional counseling and legal advice.