I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker

[Miss Spider]

Good idea taking a break from the forum for awhile. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

I wish you all the best. You've handled all this well. 

[Harry Korsnes]

Like i Said earlier this is still fresh. I Said you and the wife should not meet daily, both of you need time to reflect on what you both need and want .not telling what you should do but i think its best for you two.

[sandylee1]

I'm just on page 16 and hoping nothing worse has happened,  but I think your wife is remorseful and absolutely regrets what she did. 

Some posters here sound very bitter,  but don't let that cloud your views,  because this is your life. 

I think she's good reconciliation material...she realises she has messed up big time and could lose you over this. 

It will take time...but in my judgement and experience (professional) based on what you've said,  I think if you can, it's worth working through. I know your absolute dealbreaker is her sleeping with him...she hasn't done that and she realises that without the proof of her Aunt's funeral,  you wouldn’t have believed her...

[Buffer]

On 11/25/2020 at 5:38 PM, merrmeade said:

His GF had found the charge on a credit card statement. Since the GF already knew about Mr. Flibble’s wife, he just let the confession name her instead of whoever it was. Looking out for #1.

Thanks Merrmeade

I feel WW is now fully understanding the bum fight she has created. 
Good luck OP

One day at a time. 
Buffer

[sandylee1]

22 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

Today was a good day.
 

W brought kids back for a night. She took them this morning to her parents to give me some space since I had a lot to do today. Putting myself deep into work helps a little.

Before leaving she told me there is something she would like to give me. It was an envelope.

I won't lie, my first thought was there is more. So I asked her if there is something inside that she hasn't told me before about her affair. It wasn't.

Inside was her list and a decently long letter. I'm afraid it's too personal to be put out here, but screw that.

I want your honest opinion on that. And I feel more comfortable with sharing this with anonymous people on the internet that with my family or friends. 

I tried to rewrite it as best as possible. Again, it's not in english so I tried my best.

OP,

I can't put into words how much I am sorry for what I did to you and our family. It is inexcusable and I will not stop kicking myself over it until I die. You asked me yesterday why I did it and I want to assure you It wasn't anything you did or didn't. It was all me.

You are the best thing that ever hapenned to me and I hurt you in the worst possible way. I destroyed our amazing family because I was selfish and I admit it now - I felt entitled to have fun and flirt and to be free again.

You asked me many times while I was at home with kids if I am happy with how things are and I told you I was. I wasn't. I was just too stupid to admit this to myself, let alone to you. So I let it eat me alive and when I was finaly back at work I did the stupidest thing I could. Instead of defending our marriage against everyone and everything I decided to opened up to some else and shared with him my thought and feelings when it's supposed to be you and only who I share these with.

There were many times when I wanted to tell you everything. I never went through with it because I knew I already hurt you so much you would leave me. I can't believe how selfish I can be sometimes.

I know you don't believe that but I love you, never stopped loving you and never will. I can't believe how I treated you when you first told me about how you feel about this. When you righfuly called me on my horrible behaviour I lied to you, repeatedly, and instead of being honest I lied some more. You and our girls don't deserve any of this and I know it sounds horrible but it hurts me more than you because it was me who did that. There was nothing more you could to do to stop this. I could and I didn't.

The day you left I felt like somebody took my heart out and jumped on it. I can't imagine how you must felt. Again and again, instead of being honest I lied, but it's over now. I want to make one thing clear - now you know absolutely everything. There is nothing you don't know. I didn't realize until yesterday how much you don't trust me after what hapenned. Why should you trust me after what I did? I was stupid. Now I know.

Mom told me today you have a full right to divorce me. It's true, but it still hurts me too much to even think about that. But I know It shouldn't be about me or what I want. It's all about you three. You deserve much better. But if you let me I want to be that better. For you and for our girls.

It would absolutely destroy me, but If divorce is what you want or need I promise I will sign whatever you put in front of me. But I ask you one thing.

Please at least give me until the end of a year to prove to you how much you mean to me and to show you how sorry I am for what I did. I have never in my life regretted anything so much. Let me make this right.

I love you. 

W

 

I cried like a little b.tch just rewriting it. I don't know if it's genuine or if it tells me what I want to hear. And I have no idea how to reply to that, but I know I should.

 

And here is her list:

- I will have all her passwords to phone, e-mail and any SM account she has (I know only about her FB)

- She will delete her Facebook if I want her to

- I can go through her phone anytime I want. I can run any kind of recovery software on it

- I will have full access to her accounts and card transaction history

- I can put GPS tracking on her phone and car

- She will find a new job as soon as possible. Any job

- She will find an apppartment close to our house and move out. SHE will pay for it

- If I want to she's willing to put our house in MY name only

- She will set up an STD test for both of us

- She will DNA test both our kids

- She already has booked skype session with counselor herself

- She will plan a MC for both of us if I am willing to go with her

- She will pay for it out of her pocket

- I can ask her any question. She will respond in full truth even if it will hurt me. If I am nit satisfied we put the question aside and where there is more she's will to go through with a polygraph

 

She wants me to think about the list and to let her know if there is anything I want to add.

I think I need few days to process all this amd give myself some time alone. So I am sorry if I will pull a vanishing act for now. And again, thank you all for your insight.

Wow....I wrote my previous post without seeing this. She has accepted all responsibility. She's willing to put money into MC and lose half of your home...she sounds genuinely remorseful.

There's no blame shifting...no excuses....and from what she said,  your marriage was good before she did this ....not that you want to be, because you sound like a man who considers her as an equal..but you are now in a position of power and she has laid down at your mercy.

I'm normally unforgiving ...but  IMO (though yours is the crucial one) I would want to work through it and try to stay married, rather than divorce. I don't know your wife,  but from your information about her and her letter...she'll probably spend the rest of time making sure you don't regret giving her a second chance if you do and the rest of her days regretting it if you don't.

She did this...she knows it.

[Harry Korsnes]

2 hours ago, sandylee1 said:

Wow....I wrote my previous post without seeing this. She has accepted all responsibility. She's willing to put money into MC and lose half of your home...she sounds genuinely remorseful.

There's no blame shifting...no excuses....and from what she said,  your marriage was good before she did this ....not that you want to be, because you sound like a man who considers her as an equal..but you are now in a position of power and she has laid down at your mercy.

I'm normally unforgiving ...but  IMO (though yours is the crucial one) I would want to work through it and try to stay married, rather than divorce. I don't know your wife,  but from your information about her and her letter...she'll probably spend the rest of time making sure you don't regret giving her a second chance if you do and the rest of her days regretting it if you don't.

She did this...she knows it.

Like i Said they should keep some distant. 

[lana-banana]

An incredible and remarkable letter. She has given you the complete list you asked for and then some. Only you can decide what you want next, but I think you should at least give her til the end of the year like she requested - she's clearly doing everything she can. Best of luck.

[Buffer]

Till then end of the year, ain't much time.

One day at a time.

Buffer

[merrmeade]

On 11/26/2020 at 9:38 AM, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

Today was a good day.
 

W brought kids back for a night. She took them this morning to her parents to give me some space since I had a lot to do today. Putting myself deep into work helps a little.

Before leaving she told me there is something she would like to give me. It was an envelope.

I won't lie, my first thought was there is more. So I asked her if there is something inside that she hasn't told me before about her affair. It wasn't.

Inside was her list and a decently long letter. I'm afraid it's too personal to be put out here, but screw that.

I want your honest opinion on that. And I feel more comfortable with sharing this with anonymous people on the internet that with my family or friends. 

I tried to rewrite it as best as possible. Again, it's not in english so I tried my best.

OP,

I can't put into words how much I am sorry for what I did to you and our family. It is inexcusable and I will not stop kicking myself over it until I die. You asked me yesterday why I did it and I want to assure you It wasn't anything you did or didn't. It was all me.

You are the best thing that ever hapenned to me and I hurt you in the worst possible way. I destroyed our amazing family because I was selfish and I admit it now - I felt entitled to have fun and flirt and to be free again.

You asked me many times while I was at home with kids if I am happy with how things are and I told you I was. I wasn't. I was just too stupid to admit this to myself, let alone to you. So I let it eat me alive and when I was finaly back at work I did the stupidest thing I could. Instead of defending our marriage against everyone and everything I decided to opened up to some else and shared with him my thought and feelings when it's supposed to be you and only who I share these with.

There were many times when I wanted to tell you everything. I never went through with it because I knew I already hurt you so much you would leave me. I can't believe how selfish I can be sometimes.

I know you don't believe that but I love you, never stopped loving you and never will. I can't believe how I treated you when you first told me about how you feel about this. When you righfuly called me on my horrible behaviour I lied to you, repeatedly, and instead of being honest I lied some more. You and our girls don't deserve any of this and I know it sounds horrible but it hurts me more than you because it was me who did that. There was nothing more you could to do to stop this. I could and I didn't.

The day you left I felt like somebody took my heart out and jumped on it. I can't imagine how you must felt. Again and again, instead of being honest I lied, but it's over now. I want to make one thing clear - now you know absolutely everything. There is nothing you don't know. I didn't realize until yesterday how much you don't trust me after what hapenned. Why should you trust me after what I did? I was stupid. Now I know.

Mom told me today you have a full right to divorce me. It's true, but it still hurts me too much to even think about that. But I know It shouldn't be about me or what I want. It's all about you three. You deserve much better. But if you let me I want to be that better. For you and for our girls.

It would absolutely destroy me, but If divorce is what you want or need I promise I will sign whatever you put in front of me. But I ask you one thing.

Please at least give me until the end of a year to prove to you how much you mean to me and to show you how sorry I am for what I did. I have never in my life regretted anything so much. Let me make this right.

I love you. 

W

 

I cried like a little b.tch just rewriting it. I don't know if it's genuine or if it tells me what I want to hear. And I have no idea how to reply to that, but I know I should.

 

And here is her list:

- I will have all her passwords to phone, e-mail and any SM account she has (I know only about her FB)

- She will delete her Facebook if I want her to

- I can go through her phone anytime I want. I can run any kind of recovery software on it

- I will have full access to her accounts and card transaction history

- I can put GPS tracking on her phone and car

- She will find a new job as soon as possible. Any job

- She will find an apppartment close to our house and move out. SHE will pay for it

- If I want to she's willing to put our house in MY name only

- She will set up an STD test for both of us

- She will DNA test both our kids

- She already has booked skype session with counselor herself

- She will plan a MC for both of us if I am willing to go with her

- She will pay for it out of her pocket

- I can ask her any question. She will respond in full truth even if it will hurt me. If I am nit satisfied we put the question aside and where there is more she's will to go through with a polygraph

 

She wants me to think about the list and to let her know if there is anything I want to add.

I think I need few days to process all this amd give myself some time alone. So I am sorry if I will pull a vanishing act for now. And again, thank you all for your insight.

Took me a while to find this post but now that I did, damn! That’s some list, but I agree you should absolutely hold her to it. It’s like a little kid: They want you to check to motivate them to stay honest. So don’t feel bad - think of it as what SHE wants and is asking you for. 

But, man, way to GO, Mr. Fribble.

Oh also, don’t make it about the guy. He’s a SH but he betrayed his wife, not you. You need to keep that spotlight on that list and don’t go celebrating. Without the SH scumbag contrast, there’s still plenty not to forget. 

Edited December 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[oldtruck]

WW is sincere and her list is a great starting  point.

you should attempt recovery.

[oldlion]

I have read all these post. I'm older than most on SI. I spent my life, first in a military career (Special Forces, been around the world several times and ran operations on 5 continents) then  retired from the military  and spent 20 years wearing a badge butting heads with criminals. I say all this to let you know that I have seen and experienced just about as much as anyone can. The people I worked with in the military, about every 2 out of 3 were divorce because of infidelity. Put your situation up against some guy who comes  home unexpectedly from deployment and finds some man sleeping in his bed with his wife. Or come home from a 6 month deployment to discover your wife 3 months pregnant. The infidelity of a couple of make outs and some texting pales in comparison. That is not to say you shouldn't be hurt, mad, feel betrayed, lost, unsure what to do and not believing anything you are being told. That is just natural human nature. What is hard to do is to keep things in perspective, do your own thinking, and not be overly influenced by the input of outside sources. I have found that on SI there is a whole regiment of people whose only answer, to any situation involving any kind of cheating, is immediately DIVORCE. Divorce should be the last resort and not the first. True, there are some situations where divorce is  the only answer. From my point of view, yours is not one of those situations but that is something you have to believe.. Again it is only natural to disbelieve what your wife says without proof. You also have to consider that much of the advice you receive here is pure speculation. How many times have you been told that "yes she had sex with the AP" only to find evidence that she didn't.  There are many that will take what your wife says, take it apart, and put their own spin and speculation on it's meaning. Consider, there are people that would find fault and hidden meanings in "the sermon on the mount" and "The 10 Commandments".  Not saying they are all wrong. Just saying that some are members of the "divorce regiment" that don't believe there is any other way. Lets address the issue of lies and you have only one chance to come clean or it's divorce. When you, your wife, and just about anyone else will lie when they find their back against the wall. It's called "self preservation". When you see your life hanging in the balance, "self preservation" kicks in. Maybe one out of a hundred will tell the truth from the start. All the others who say "I wouldn't lie" are deluding themselves. It will take several rounds of talks and questions to get to the truth. (I learned that from questioning criminals) I found, in most situations, that ultimatums don't always work. They can even hinder getting the answers you want. You probably know your wife better than anyone else. Trust that knowledge. It takes a real good liar to not show some physical clues when lying. You just have to look for them. Another thing is if you make a promise or tell her something you are definitely  going to do then keep your word.  Another fallacy is "once a cheater, always a cheater". That's like saying that once you do something really stupid then you're always going to do the same stupid thing again and again. This is not true. Personally I don't think your wife will ever do something like this again. But, my belief doesn't matter. What you believe matters.  She can't take back what she did and you can't take back the things you have said to her. You are always going to remember what she did and she is going to remember what you have said to her. Actions and words are like bullets. Once fired, you can't get them back. People always say they can't get over this. If I can get over seeing friends of mine bleeding out and dying, you can get over a couple of make outs and some texting. Some questions you have to ask yourself. (1) Do you love your wife (2) Will your life be better or worse without her and your family (3) Is she worth a second chance.  Saw a movie once where a woman was ask why she stayed with her husband who cheated on her.  Her answer was, she stayed with him for the many things he did right instead of leaving for the for the one thing he did wrong. I do wish you well.

[trident_2020]

6 minutes ago, oldlion said:

.If I can get over seeing friends of mine bleeding out and dying, you can get over a couple of make outs and some texting.

I think you're minimizing the trauma of having your lifelong committed relationship partner betray you in the worst possible way.

Also even if he can be assured there was no intercourse, there's a heck of a lot in between "making out" and PIV sex that is undetermined.

 

 

[Uruktopi]

11 minutes ago, oldlion said:

 If I can get over seeing friends of mine bleeding out and dying, you can get over a couple of make outs and some texting. 

From someone that had seen " friends of mine bleeding out and dying" I may say that I would rather get another bullet as the one I once got than to get over betrayal, same if from a battle comrade as if from the woman in my life.

[DKT3]

@oldlion

We can't allow others experience with infidelities to be the parameters.  It doesn't matter to OP that his wife's infidelities may seem minor compared...its still painful and he will have to get through it.

[MickeyBill]

While I respect what Oldlion has been thru we all have our own cross to bear.

To compare a cheating spouse to comrades being killed in battle is a bit like comparing apple and cinderblocks.  

 

[oldlion]

One other thing.  In my more than 70 years I have surmised that everyone has some skeletons in their closet. Many with things that they do not want anyone to know about. Put yourself in your wife's position and try to honestly decide what you would do. He who has no skeletons, they don't want known, gets to throw the first rock. After the life I have lived I nailed my closet shut. LOL  As for the friend dying. To see a man, who I have lived with, eat with, fought along side, shared water from the same canteen, and risk my life with, bleeding and dying is more traumatic to me than my wife kissing some other dude. Would I be angry if I knew my wife kissed some other man? You better believe I would be stomping mad. Would I divorce her for that? NO. Would I make life uncomfortable for a while? YES. If she did it again and I found out would I leave her? YES.  During my military career, there were many years where I was gone like 30 to 40% of the time. Do I know if there was someone who was trying to comfort her? Yes.  She knows I know and she has sworn there was nothing physical. She doesn't know that I know the time frame in which this occurred.   I know this person was NEVER  anywhere near when I was around. One, he was scared of me and what I would do if I did know something happened. Back then to kick some man's ass for messing with your wife was acceptable. Today we are in the era of "political correctness" and society  will put you in jail. Unless he hits you first and then it's self defense. He hasn't even been in the same state for the past 35 years or more. I know my wife has been an exceptional partner during the over 50 years we have been married.  I consider her the best thing in my life. Have I ever questioned her. NO. Why would I want to ruin my marriage and our life to find out something I can't change, if something did happen. Perspective. Which is best. Finding out something that happened years ago or to continue to live the great life she and I share.  I do wish you well.

[trident_2020]

@oldlionwould never question his wife even though he has suspicions. That's known as "doing the ostrich thing" by sticking your head in the sand and pretending everything is wonderful because there are a lot worse things happening in the world such as soldiers dying in action.

Not all of us would agree with that particular approach.

 

 

[oldlion]

trident_2020. It's not sticking my head in the sand. It's picking the lesser of two evils. I may add that I didn't know about anything until it was long over. That's how I figured out the timeframe. You are saying attack after the battle is already over.  If I knew there's going to be another battle then I would attack. I do wish you well.

Edited December 1, 2020 by oldlion

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, trident_2020 said:

@oldlionwould never question his wife even though he has suspicions. That's known as "doing the ostrich thing" by sticking your head in the sand and pretending everything is wonderful because there are a lot worse things happening in the world such as soldiers dying in action.

Not all of us would agree with that particular approach.

 

 

You have to understand,  for some doing nothing is easier. They can live with the deception or determine that in the bigger picture its not that important since the spouse chose to stay put. No all view these things the same. For old lion its likely that even with her infidelities he feels the scales are balanced and thats fine for him.  Its doesn't mean its fine for everyone. 

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, oldlion said:

 Perspective. 

Perspective needs to choose a viewpoint. Some kind of hieerarchy of values.

With my respects, I don´t share yours. And with the same respect, I don´t want to.

[Uruktopi]

2 hours ago, MickeyBill said:

To compare a cheating spouse to comrades being killed in battle is a bit like comparing apple and cinderblocks.  

 

The analogy haves, as long as documented, about 2500 years.

I take it as a valid one. Exception made that, compared to Oldlion (and with experiences not unlike his), I reach  the opposite conclutions.

[Noproblem]

Intially I didn't read the new updates and was saying it's ok to change your wardrobe and this guy is her friend nothing else.

But now it appears that she cheated on you.

 

Why the suffering and the crying? Just end it!

END it, you deserve a non-cheater wife!

Don't live your life with someone who might cheat any time or you spend your life thinking they might cheat on you again!

It's a torture, no relationship should be built on you having access to her everything and thinking that is healthy or ok, it's not!

You simply end the relationship, you are still very young and life is in front of you..

Your are 32!

 

Edited December 1, 2020 by Noproblem

[Crazelnut]

Sorry, Oldlion, but I completely disagree. Your pain at seeing battlefield deaths is not inherently greater than OP's pain at learning that his entire marriage has been shat upon. Your hierarchy of pain is yours alone. I don't think most people who've been cheated on will share your outlook. 

[trident_2020]

14 hours ago, oldlion said:

trident_2020. It's not sticking my head in the sand. It's picking the lesser of two evils. I may add that I didn't know about anything until it was long over. That's how I figured out the timeframe. You are saying attack after the battle is already over.  If I knew there's going to be another battle then I would attack. I do wish you well.

You'd rather not ask because you don't want to know. That's sticking your head in the sand.

The lesser of two evils is living a fantasy where your wife isn't cheating on you even though deep down you know she probably is.

Every see the move "The Matrix"?  That's your life as you describe it.

As others have said, there is no comparison between death on the battlefield and being cheated on by your significant other, it's two completely different things and one doesn't make the other any less traumatic.