I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

Hello, it's OP again.

 

A lot has happened during last two weeeks. I will try to be as detailed as possible so sorry for a long post. 

Firstly, things are going kind of... OK. I still have my ups and downs, but they are not as strong as they were two weeks back. Maybe I am coming back to some sort of normality.

 

After my last post (letter, list) I read your replies and realized you are right, our daily meetings didn't do us any good. It just made this whole mess even more confusing and even though it hurts it's for the best to put some space between us. 

So I decided to go LC with my wife and even with other people involved (the word apparently got out and our friends started to get in touch) with me. Some were offering support, some were just snooping for a drama I guess. 

My wife kept coming over to spend time with kids every day and instead of joining I just left the house. I went for a walk around the city, which I haven't done in years, and it helped me tremendously in sorting out my thoughts. Of course W was on my mind 90% of the time but it was much easier to deal with it when she wasn't around.

I spoke to her only on phone and strictly only about kids and important non-personal stuff and started completely ignoring her calls and texts regarding anything else than kids/house. Only face to face meetings happened when she came to pick up/drop off kids and I was civil but distant. This unfortunately threw her back to where she was right after our contfrontation - depression, tears, pleading, begging, all that circus.

 

Her mom told me she was either crying her eyes out or walking around like a zombie during this time. She didn't eat, didn't talk to anyone and just locked herself in her room. MIL was concerned and asked me to at least let her call me. This lasted around a week or so and in the end I agreed to meet her to put a stop to this because I was seriously woried about her. 

So I asked her to go for a walk with me. I thought she hit her all-time low after our confrontation but this was completely another level. She looked like hell. She lost 10 pounds last week only. I don't care what you will say but I still care about her so seeing her suffer was terrible.

Before I had a chance to speak she apologized for her behaviour this last week. When I went NC she took it as me giving up on her and our marriage (even though I told her what's going to happen and why) and it made her so desperate because she can't imagine her life without me. But she knows this needs to stop and she promised to give me all the space I need (She kept her promise btw). We talked a lot about how we are doing now and we had a first real discussion about possible outcomes.

I asked her again if she would really be willing to go through with an uncontested and amicable divorce next year. She would, if I need that to heal it will break her heart into million pieces but she's ready to take anything I will offer. She says It doesn't have to be the end for us. We could start again, dating while living separately and to see how I feel about that. She said she knows she can't have any demands but said it would make it easier for her if she knew divorce doesn't mean we are completely over. She asked me if I can ever forgive her. Honestly, I think I already did. But it doesn't mean we are getting back together. Maybe it's a little twisted but I see those two things as a separate entities. 

 

We walked and spoke for like two hours and eventualy ended up at a place where we had our first date. When she brought that up it felt like somebody twisted that knife a few more times. Hope those triggers will go away with time. 

You will rightfully take me for an idiot, but after our talk we hugged for like 10 minutes just sitting on a bench. I should have expect it (Idiot, again), but when I pulled away she tried to kiss me. I just kind of turned my head and it ended with her putting her head on my shoulder sobbing and saying sorry again and again.

 

When the tears stopped she pulled out her notepad (her mom told me she refuses to let go of it) and found a page with her list. She has already done some of it, some is WIP

She gave me a piece of paper with all her logins and passwords. Emails, internet banking, phone, phone bills, tablet, everything. She shut down her FB completely.

She wanted me to take her phone and run a recovery soft on it and put a gps tracker. I denied. I told her I am not playing this game and it's not a life I want to live. For neither of us. 

she has two skype interviews this Friday. She sent out about two dozens of applications. It's all in banking/finance ranging from desk clerk to finances to risk management. Not her previous position

She's browsing websites everyday looking for a new appartment. Market's now apparently not in the best shape and there isn't many offers in our area/size/price range. She asked me to come with her to have a look since she doesn't know what she should be looking for. Told her that's what real estate agent is for so she should get one

She had her first counseling session. Told me she didn't like the therapist AT ALL, so she's looking for another one. Also it's definitely NOT cheap. I offered to pay for it but she declined the offer. I asked her how she's going to pay for all of this (hoping she won't get into debt) and her plan is to sell most of her jewelery except a few important pieces I gave her. Put together it's equivalent of around 20k USD and lots of it is custom made so I told her it's a terrible idea to sell it. We had a small fight over this and I managed to talk her out of it. So I am paying for her therapy until she gets on her feet. Then it's up to her. 

She called our GP. He's a friend of ours so it must have been pretty awkward call. She told him what happened and asked him to book us both for an STD test. It's next Monday. I expect this to be a lot of fun. 

She picked up a clinic for DNA test. Looks like it can be done at home. Also it's a lot cheaper than expected. Testing kits are coming next week, we send it back and results should be in 2 weeks

 

I was genuinely surprised. I confessed her mom told me she's basicaly just existing so I thought we were at a dead end with her list. She told me it was really bad few days but she realized that indulging in self-pity will get us nowhere.

So she started pushing. 

She made a list and did one thing every day no matter how hard it was. She said she has picture of me and girls in her room as a token of why she's doing it. 

 

I wont lie - all this makes huge cracks and holes in my immediate plan to divorce her. If they had sex or she didn't take full responsibily and show deep remorse I would be done right away. But now I am not so sure about what to do. 

Maybe I need to hear that I am just eating up her lies because it's what I want to hear. I don't know.

Hope you can give me your insight on that. 

 

 

This was last Friday.

After our walk she again took kids to her parents and I didn't hear from her until Sunday evening. Except when I texted her how the kids are doing or wanted to call them. It was great, I did some work around the house and I blew off a pretty thick layer of dust off my PS4 and slayed some monsters. I forgot how good that feels. This weekend was first time I felt like I can be on my own. Like I will make it.

 

She brought kids on Sunday evening, looking defeated.  She didn't speak much at first but after some probing she admited she's afraid that during my "me" time I will realize I would be better off without her and leave. I told her she needs to understand how much this hurt me and honestly told her it's still a very real possibility. But I appreciate her efforts, I know this is hurting her too, but nothing is set in stone yet. I told her I plan to stick to my word that I give her time until January to show me what we have is worth saving.

 

This morning I was in a middle of a meeting (my mom was watching girls) when my phone buzzed. It was my wife - call me please. So i did. 

She got a text 5 minutes ago from unknown number from SH basicaly saying "sorry for the fallout" (sarcastic ha-ha) and asking her how she's doing!

She told me before that she never gave him her personal phone number so I have no idea how he got that (She returned her company phone and SIM card when she was fired). She asked me if she should reply to leave her alone or just ignore and block the number.

I saw red. I wanted to go find him and twist his head again and again until it pops like a cork on a champagne bottle. I think my wife could sense this even over the phone so she told me she's coming over right now and we will talk about what to do in person.

In the end we decided to just block and ignore. I again asked her if she lied and gave him her number. She says She didn't. While at work she didn't even use her personal number since she got new phone and new number and bills were payed by her employer and they had no problem with personal use. She just turned off her personal phone and put it in her night table.

SH tried again 2 hours later from yet another number but that was blocked too.

Any idea what was that supposed to mean? Trying his luck again? The second text looked a lot like that message he sent during our confrontation. 

I texted his exGF this but initialy got no response. She went completely silent since she found out it wasn't my wife SH took to that hotel room. But she called me few hours ago asking if she can speak to my wife. I gave her my W's personal number (with her consent) and we talked for a few minutes.

Looks like there were at least 4 other women she now knows of.

SH's been blowing her phone begging her to take him back (I really don't get it. Why?) and she uses that to pull some more intel out of him. I told her she should be just done with him but she insist she's just been putting together a decent folder with names and dates he had been willingy providing (the guy's realy not that clever!) and she plans to create a perfect storm by releasing all this at once when the time is right.

Reason? ALL of the other 4 women are married. Some have small children. It makes me seriously sick. 

Unfortunately, I think this intel gathering is over now because SH showed up at her doorstep in the afternoon while her brother was there. They got into a fight and her brother broke his nose.

Good for him. I should send him a gift basket or something.

So that's how things are now. I am doing better every day, my W is finaly giving me the space like she promised and SH has a broken nose. I can't believe I am saying this but I now see the light. I WILL BE OK. One way or the other.

 

I will go through your posts now, there is a lot of them so I am not sure I can answer them all. But I will try.

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

On 11/26/2020 at 1:25 AM, TobyBoy said:

In her letter she mentions that she “loves you very much”, but nothing about being physically/sexually attracted to you. Why is that? 

Thank you, I asked her if she's still attracted to me a she said absolutly. She's dying to be intimate with me, but we both know it would not end up well. And I consciuosly don't put myself in situations where it might happen.

 

On 11/26/2020 at 1:32 AM, MickeyBill said:

There is always lot of navel gazing about the why. Doesn't it just come down to the cheater simply did not care about anything or anyone else than themselves?

W says she thought about me a lot during her A. Says it didn't stop her seeing him but it's the main reason they didn't have sex. 

 

On 11/26/2020 at 9:20 AM, Wiseman2 said:

At least you know how unhappy she was being a SAHM and that she was afraid to talk to you about that.

She takes responsibility for the affair and probably looks forward to working again.

In the long run divorce is probably the best option.

If she hated being a SAHM and your wife, she'll really hate being a prisoner.

As long as you both focus on your kids, and your jurisdiction is 50/50 with assets and children, you'll both do fine finding happier ways to live and partners you can love and trust.

She doesn't love you. No amount of lists and punishment will change that. It will just reinforce that the marriage has been over for a while before the affair.

Yes, this gave me a direct hit. I though we shared everything. Still not sure why she kept that from me. If she doesn't love me she's an amazing actress. See my update. And my action are not some kind of punishment. How did you come up with that?

 

On 11/26/2020 at 8:02 PM, Watercolors said:

Mr Flibble I don't understand why you only posted parts of your wife's letter to you. You know that skews our responses don't you - we don't have the full letter and what she said. Did she give you explicit reasons for why she cheated on you in her letter, that you left out for us? Just curious.

Good luck with your situation. I hope you and your wife can figure out your situation for an outcome that suits you both.

I posted the letter as it was. I left out nothing, maybe you misundertood. Nit thank you, I think we will be alright, one way or the other. Our main focus is our girls now amyway. It's up to us to deal with it in a way that affects them the least. 

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

On 11/26/2020 at 9:16 PM, Ruby Slippers said:

I wish you all the best. You've handled all this well. 

Thank you. I am taking a fire from some users (I get that) but in the end it's you who needs to make a decision and it's you whose life is affected. But it's good to have a place where you can validate your ideas, feelings and actions. Few weeks back my head was spinning so fact I couldn't put together s single coherent thought. This forum was a huge help. 

 

On 11/26/2020 at 10:12 PM, Harry Korsnes said:

Like i Said earlier this is still fresh. I Said you and the wife should not meet daily, both of you need time to reflect on what you both need and want .not telling what you should do but i think its best for you two.

This was great advice. Honestly

On 11/27/2020 at 5:41 AM, Buffer said:

Till then end of the year, ain't much time.

One day at a time.

Buffer

It's not but I think it's enough time to see if there is a possibility of staying in this marriage

[Harry Korsnes]

Great update thanks.

I still think you two have to much contact.

The sooner she Findus a place to live and a new jobb the better, so she can start focusing on her self and her new life, and stop sobbing around her parents house so mil calls you.

[Harry Korsnes]

And she's counsling?

[trident_2020]

Thanks for the update, things seem to be going about as good as they can.

I think if it was me I'd call SH and tell him to leave her the hell alone.

 

[merrmeade]

3 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

Hello, it's OP again.

 

A lot has happened during last two weeeks. I will try to be as detailed as possible so sorry for a long post. 

Firstly, things are going kind of... OK. I still have my ups and downs, but they are not as strong as they were two weeks back. Maybe I am coming back to some sort of normality.

 

After my last post (letter, list) I read your replies and realized you are right, our daily meetings didn't do us any good. It just made this whole mess even more confusing and even though it hurts it's for the best to put some space between us. 

So I decided to go LC with my wife and even with other people involved (the word apparently got out and our friends started to get in touch) with me. Some were offering support, some were just snooping for a drama I guess. 

My wife kept coming over to spend time with kids every day and instead of joining I just left the house. I went for a walk around the city, which I haven't done in years, and it helped me tremendously in sorting out my thoughts. Of course W was on my mind 90% of the time but it was much easier to deal with it when she wasn't around.

I spoke to her only on phone and strictly only about kids and important non-personal stuff and started completely ignoring her calls and texts regarding anything else than kids/house. Only face to face meetings happened when she came to pick up/drop off kids and I was civil but distant. This unfortunately threw her back to where she was right after our contfrontation - depression, tears, pleading, begging, all that circus.

 

Her mom told me she was either crying her eyes out or walking around like a zombie during this time. She didn't eat, didn't talk to anyone and just locked herself in her room. MIL was concerned and asked me to at least let her call me. This lasted around a week or so and in the end I agreed to meet her to put a stop to this because I was seriously woried about her. 

So I asked her to go for a walk with me. I thought she hit her all-time low after our confrontation but this was completely another level. She looked like hell. She lost 10 pounds last week only. I don't care what you will say but I still care about her so seeing her suffer was terrible.

Before I had a chance to speak she apologized for her behaviour this last week. When I went NC she took it as me giving up on her and our marriage (even though I told her what's going to happen and why) and it made her so desperate because she can't imagine her life without me. But she knows this needs to stop and she promised to give me all the space I need (She kept her promise btw). We talked a lot about how we are doing now and we had a first real discussion about possible outcomes.

I asked her again if she would really be willing to go through with an uncontested and amicable divorce next year. She would, if I need that to heal it will break her heart into million pieces but she's ready to take anything I will offer. She says It doesn't have to be the end for us. We could start again, dating while living separately and to see how I feel about that. She said she knows she can't have any demands but said it would make it easier for her if she knew divorce doesn't mean we are completely over. She asked me if I can ever forgive her. Honestly, I think I already did. But it doesn't mean we are getting back together. Maybe it's a little twisted but I see those two things as a separate entities. 

 

We walked and spoke for like two hours and eventualy ended up at a place where we had our first date. When she brought that up it felt like somebody twisted that knife a few more times. Hope those triggers will go away with time. 

You will rightfully take me for an idiot, but after our talk we hugged for like 10 minutes just sitting on a bench. I should have expect it (Idiot, again), but when I pulled away she tried to kiss me. I just kind of turned my head and it ended with her putting her head on my shoulder sobbing and saying sorry again and again.

 

When the tears stopped she pulled out her notepad (her mom told me she refuses to let go of it) and found a page with her list. She has already done some of it, some is WIP

She gave me a piece of paper with all her logins and passwords. Emails, internet banking, phone, phone bills, tablet, everything. She shut down her FB completely.

She wanted me to take her phone and run a recovery soft on it and put a gps tracker. I denied. I told her I am not playing this game and it's not a life I want to live. For neither of us. 

she has two skype interviews this Friday. She sent out about two dozens of applications. It's all in banking/finance ranging from desk clerk to finances to risk management. Not her previous position

She's browsing websites everyday looking for a new appartment. Market's now apparently not in the best shape and there isn't many offers in our area/size/price range. She asked me to come with her to have a look since she doesn't know what she should be looking for. Told her that's what real estate agent is for so she should get one

She had her first counseling session. Told me she didn't like the therapist AT ALL, so she's looking for another one. Also it's definitely NOT cheap. I offered to pay for it but she declined the offer. I asked her how she's going to pay for all of this (hoping she won't get into debt) and her plan is to sell most of her jewelery except a few important pieces I gave her. Put together it's equivalent of around 20k USD and lots of it is custom made so I told her it's a terrible idea to sell it. We had a small fight over this and I managed to talk her out of it. So I am paying for her therapy until she gets on her feet. Then it's up to her. 

She called our GP. He's a friend of ours so it must have been pretty awkward call. She told him what happened and asked him to book us both for an STD test. It's next Monday. I expect this to be a lot of fun. 

She picked up a clinic for DNA test. Looks like it can be done at home. Also it's a lot cheaper than expected. Testing kits are coming next week, we send it back and results should be in 2 weeks

 

I was genuinely surprised. I confessed her mom told me she's basicaly just existing so I thought we were at a dead end with her list. She told me it was really bad few days but she realized that indulging in self-pity will get us nowhere.

So she started pushing. 

She made a list and did one thing every day no matter how hard it was. She said she has picture of me and girls in her room as a token of why she's doing it. 

 

I wont lie - all this makes huge cracks and holes in my immediate plan to divorce her. If they had sex or she didn't take full responsibily and show deep remorse I would be done right away. But now I am not so sure about what to do. 

Maybe I need to hear that I am just eating up her lies because it's what I want to hear. I don't know.

Hope you can give me your insight on that. 

 

 

This was last Friday.

After our walk she again took kids to her parents and I didn't hear from her until Sunday evening. Except when I texted her how the kids are doing or wanted to call them. It was great, I did some work around the house and I blew off a pretty thick layer of dust off my PS4 and slayed some monsters. I forgot how good that feels. This weekend was first time I felt like I can be on my own. Like I will make it.

 

She brought kids on Sunday evening, looking defeated.  She didn't speak much at first but after some probing she admited she's afraid that during my "me" time I will realize I would be better off without her and leave. I told her she needs to understand how much this hurt me and honestly told her it's still a very real possibility. But I appreciate her efforts, I know this is hurting her too, but nothing is set in stone yet. I told her I plan to stick to my word that I give her time until January to show me what we have is worth saving.

 

This morning I was in a middle of a meeting (my mom was watching girls) when my phone buzzed. It was my wife - call me please. So i did. 

She got a text 5 minutes ago from unknown number from SH basicaly saying "sorry for the fallout" (sarcastic ha-ha) and asking her how she's doing!

She told me before that she never gave him her personal phone number so I have no idea how he got that (She returned her company phone and SIM card when she was fired). She asked me if she should reply to leave her alone or just ignore and block the number.

I saw red. I wanted to go find him and twist his head again and again until it pops like a cork on a champagne bottle. I think my wife could sense this even over the phone so she told me she's coming over right now and we will talk about what to do in person.

In the end we decided to just block and ignore. I again asked her if she lied and gave him her number. She says She didn't. While at work she didn't even use her personal number since she got new phone and new number and bills were payed by her employer and they had no problem with personal use. She just turned off her personal phone and put it in her night table.

SH tried again 2 hours later from yet another number but that was blocked too.

Any idea what was that supposed to mean? Trying his luck again? The second text looked a lot like that message he sent during our confrontation. 

I texted his exGF this but initialy got no response. She went completely silent since she found out it wasn't my wife SH took to that hotel room. But she called me few hours ago asking if she can speak to my wife. I gave her my W's personal number (with her consent) and we talked for a few minutes.

Looks like there were at least 4 other women she now knows of.

SH's been blowing her phone begging her to take him back (I really don't get it. Why?) and she uses that to pull some more intel out of him. I told her she should be just done with him but she insist she's just been putting together a decent folder with names and dates he had been willingy providing (the guy's realy not that clever!) and she plans to create a perfect storm by releasing all this at once when the time is right.

Reason? ALL of the other 4 women are married. Some have small children. It makes me seriously sick. 

Unfortunately, I think this intel gathering is over now because SH showed up at her doorstep in the afternoon while her brother was there. They got into a fight and her brother broke his nose.

Good for him. I should send him a gift basket or something.

So that's how things are now. I am doing better every day, my W is finaly giving me the space like she promised and SH has a broken nose. I can't believe I am saying this but I now see the light. I WILL BE OK. One way or the other.

 

I will go through your posts now, there is a lot of them so I am not sure I can answer them all. But I will try.

Yes, it's sincere and dramatic, but necessary. It will NOT kill her. None of it. If you reconcile, you definitely do not want to curtail any of it. It's kind of purging and necessary. 

omg how I love the broken nose from the brother. Isn't it just the most satisfying?

Now, here's what you do about SH and your fears: I'm surprised you don't know about the "No Contact Letter." It's a letter that the WS writes to the AP. The BS reads it and gives input or approves and takes it from there - seals the envelope and mails it. This was very satisfying for me and worked. The AP had tried to contact him, too, and I flipped out. So the NC letter really gave closure and eliminated my anxiety about that.

Here is an example of a No Contact Letter:

Dear SH,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hœurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband/wife that he/she deserves.

 
Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

[your wife]

Edited December 8, 2020 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

Actually I don't think I could tolerate the "Sincerely" but obviously you can adapt.

I'll just say again that in our case it just worked and was a big relief. They have not seen each other, talked, texted - nothing - since that letter. And I stlll check.

Edited December 8, 2020 by merrmeade

[basil67]

You're playing her like a fiddle and she's so desperate to get you back that she's allowing it.   When this reaches the divorce courts, be prepared for her to do an about face and get mad. Any promises for an amicable divorce will likely go out the window when she lawyers up. 

[Pottering About]

Hi, pleased to see your update and that you are starting to see some degree of peace but also that you are being the bigger man in helping your wife, rather than unnecessarily punishing her. You have shown yourself to be better than that and I hope you continue.

Your wife gets crucified by some on here for every little omission or misinterpreted nuance. Some will use this to steam head long to divorce with unsupported and, at times, vindictive statements.

From reading your posts, I sincerely believe your wife does love you, still has desires for you and wants to see out the rest of her days with you. I think you are too good a man to make her live as a prisoner and do not believe you would do this.

If you are uncomfortable with your wife’s attempts to kiss you, can you discuss boundaries with her that will make you both comfortable? These can be movable feasts and may give you good markers for how your relationship has improved, or otherwise. 
 

Why give yourself a deadline for deciding if the marriage can be saved? Why not give yourself deadlines when you review how your relation is and how, or if, it may move forward. Divorce in haste, repent at leisure! 
 

I understand your anger, I understand your hurt, I understand how betrayed you feel during this absolutely sh*tty year. However, if you decide to stay, you are not a doormat, you are not a fool, you are a man who makes his own decisions about and takes control of his life! 
 

I have written this post 3 or 4 times because what I really want to say is FFS, you know you love your wife, you know how this has devastated her and how she will be the best wife anyone can be in the future, that you can move forward together and that you should stop p*ssing about and ride off into the sunset. And why shouldn’t you?

[JRabbit]

I remember when I asked my exH to move out.  He bawled his eyes out, cried and cried and said all the same things.  

Funny how they only care when the reality of them having to be on their own, in a new house and without you hits them.

It is just my opinion, and maybe I am jaded, but where was all this passion and caring when the affair was brewing?  Why is this other person even involved in your life at all anymore? The fact they can even reach her tells you everything you need to know. If she was serious about reconciliation, this person would not still be in your daily drama.

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

You need help with your codependency. You should not keep taking away her consequences!

she should pay for her counseling.

she can sell her jewelry.

stop taking away her consequences! That’s what makes someone learn the lesson... when it hurts! But ya still do it to learn! 
 

 

Can you explain on that condependance? You mean that we are too much leaning on each other? I can see that, we have been together almost half of our lives so I think that's understandable.

1 hour ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Great update thanks.

I still think you two have to much contact.

The sooner she Findus a place to live and a new jobb the better, so she can start focusing on her self and her new life, and stop sobbing around her parents house so mil calls you.

Yes, now we are keeping our distance. I told her exactly that - we both need some time apart and it can't ne done if we live together. Living at her prents is strictly temporarily. It's not good for her nor our kids.

1 hour ago, Harry Korsnes said:

And she's counsling?

She is. But her first IC session was a disaster. Apparently her therapist was awful and tried to blame it all on me.

1 hour ago, trident_2020 said:

I think if it was me I'd call SH and tell him to leave her the hell alone.

I won't contact him. He's not worth it. Unless he starts to bother me or my wife more. I think absolute silence is the right way forward.

1 hour ago, merrmeade said:

Yes, it's sincere and dramatic, but necessary. It will NOT kill her. None of it. If you reconcile, you definitely do not want to curtail any of it. It's kind of purging and necessary. 

omg how I love the broken nose from the brother. Isn't it just the most satisfying?

Now, here's what you do about SH and your fears: I'm surprised you don't know about the "No Contact Letter." It's a letter that the WS writes to the AP. The BS reads it and gives input or approves and takes it from there - seals the envelope and mails it. This was very satisfying for me and worked. The AP had tried to contact him, too, and I flipped out. So the NC letter really gave closure and eliminated my anxiety about that.

Here is an example of a No Contact Letter:

Dear SH,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hœurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband/wife that he/she deserves.

 
Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

[your wife]

Thank you. Broken nose was a great new, no kidding. My wife sent him NC text, blocked his number and then returned her phone and SIM. There was no contact until yesterday. I won't give him the satisfaction of spending one more minute on him. Not worth it.

 

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

You're playing her like a fiddle

What do you mean by that? You think I am just stringing her along with intention of punishing her? That's absolutely not true.

 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

What do you mean by that? You think I am just stringing her along with intention of punishing her? That's absolutely not true.

First part of it is how you're asking for space, her moving out, transparency and letters etc.   It's contradictory.   Space and her moving out are for if you wish to divorce.  Reconciliation in terms of letters and transparency are for if you want to work through it.    But you're having her do the whole lot without showing your hand... and as she's desperate to keep the family together, she's going along with it.  But if choose divorce after you've made her pay for her sins with letters and tears and promises, it won't be good. 

Likewise, asking her to agree to amicable divorce and for you to have the house and the kids while she's willing to agree to anything out of desperation will come back to bite you.    She should not be agreeing to anything while she doesn't have a lawyer and will likely change her tune when she's got one.  

 

 

[WorldsSecondGreatestLover]

I'm not getting the hostility for the wife here.  She got pursued by a player, but didn't ultimately give in.  First kiss wasn't even consensual in an elevator.  Sexual harassment laws exist for a reason.

Would she have given in in time?  Yes-- this is why we have sexual harassment laws.  Biology has not yet caught up with the way we pretend our society works.  But we don't KNOW that she would have.  Read infidelity boards online-- if she was easy, this guy would have had her wrapped up with a bow in a week, forget about two+months!

Mr. Flibble, you have kids to consider in all this too.  The wife made out with a guy.  That was stupid and insulting.  She has a lot of work to do to make up for that betrayal.  But it's probably not something she'll be at risk of again with the PTSD she'll have from this event plus some therapy.

 

Edited December 8, 2020 by WorldsSecondGreatestLover

[Pottering About]

basil67 and WorldsSecondGreatestLover, well said.

[Harry Korsnes]

59 minutes ago, Pottering About said:

basil67 and WorldsSecondGreatestLover, well said.

Thats why i Said they should live apartheid with nc for some time to sort out their lives.

[basil67]

Living apart should only be done if they have both already lawyered up.    It was a bad choice of hers to move out, but as I said, she was desperate and therefore vulnerable.   

Edited December 8, 2020 by basil67

[Harry Korsnes]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Living apart should only be done if they have both already lawyered up.    It was a bad choice of hers to move out, but as I said, she was desperate and therefore vulnerable.   

And how do you think it would have gone If they lived together?

Thinking about how the kids will react when mommy and daddy fight all the time.

The time apart will help both of them. 

[princessaurora]

7 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

ALL of the other 4 women are married. Some have small children. It makes me seriously sick. 

Sounds like this piece of trash gets off on coercing married women into breaking their vows just like the guy that used to work at my office. He deserves alot more than a broken nose and hopefully karma will give it to him. 

[Uruktopi]

27 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

...He deserves alot more than a broken nose and hopefully karma will give it to him. 

I agree about what some deserve.

But if no human does it, neither does "karma"

 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

You're playing her like a fiddle and she's so desperate to get you back that she's allowing it.   When this reaches the divorce courts, be prepared for her to do an about face

 

Like the points you made in your follow up post as well. Respectfully, I'm not sure this is correct or entirely fair to OP.

I think the about face/legal screwing over is indeed what faces some men who do this. However, in this case I'm getting the impression that his WW isn't so self-aware as to do this. I suspect that she will idealize him as "the one she lost/almost lost" and mourn the end of the marriage, "give in," etc. Whatever he does. Similar to SaltPalpitation and a few other posters.

I think that for his part Mr.Flibble is giving it a chance because he thinks that's the right thing to do. However, I get the impression his heart's not really in it. I think if reconciliation was in the cards, he'd be more accepting of affection, touch etc. He giving her the chance she "deserves" (as his wife) to try. Meanwhile he is also getting used to the idea and practice of detaching. These things are not necessarily actually mutually contradictory. 

My guess is you divorce once you feel you've given her her fair shot AND feel fully comfortable on your own, Mr.Flibble.

I could of course always be wrong about any of the above. There's no judgement here (from me at least) since - you feel how you feel. Many folks can't get over an affair - it's true of MANY men.

Edited December 9, 2020 by mark clemson

[basil67]

You could be right about all of the above.   But it doesn't change how she's likely to interpret it when she's helped to look at it with fresh eyes.  

[mark clemson]

^^ a fair point + certainly possible.

[MickeyBill]

If he has $29 he can get your wifes phone number from many online reverse lookup sources like "whitepages" 

I am just amazed that the BF had at least 5 women including Mrs Flibble on the line...to paraphrase Jules from Pulp Fiction "he must be one charming mutherfncker".

Edited December 9, 2020 by MickeyBill
adding info

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

It's not but I think it's enough time to see if there is a possibility of staying in this marriage

How long do you have to be separated before she can file for divorce? Is your jurisdiction 50/50 as far as marital assets?

Have you worked out a formal custody arrangement or are the kids seeing thier mother when it suits you?

As long as you are still legally married, all the marital assets belong equally to her as to you.

Hopefully you'll be able to progress to divorce soon, so your children will have thier mother in thier lives according to law, not mood swings.