I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker

[Watercolors]

20 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Yay

Did you not read the OP's recent update? He caught his wife's coworker texting her while he was talking to her about the state of their marriage. Turns out, his suspicious were confirmed.

Does no one read posts anymore?

[Lotsgoingon]

Sorry to read that update OP.

 

 

[gamon]

Confrontation never works. This thread is a perfect example of many.

All it does is make evidence gathering more difficult.

Before I read the most recent post I was going to say that she's probably deleting incriminating texts and leaving the innocent looking ones.

 

[schlumpy]

41 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Did you not read his post? He left his house after he saw a text from his wife's coworker.

Yes, I understand that but unfortunately for him those two kids are going to require some cooperation with his wife. He won't just be able step out and not come back.

I'm warning him to expect his wife to play the victim card or attempt to sex him back into the marriage without accepting any responsibility for her actions.

No consequences means no change in behavior.

I know he stated it would be scorched earth if she was cheating but the extent of her affair has yet to be revealed.

I think he understood me.

[Ruby Slippers]

The text doesn't prove a physical affair, but it certainly proves an emotional one, which was already pretty obvious. I don't blame you for leaving. Even though you no doubt played your part in letting the romance go stale... that's no excuse for her behavior. 

[Harry Korsnes]

51 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Did you not read the OP's recent update? He caught his wife's coworker texting her while he was talking to her about the state of their marriage. Turns out, his suspicious were confirmed.

Does no one read posts anymore?

Oh yes i just wanna confirm that the truth comes out.

[lana-banana]

1 hour ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Just friends is lie enough. Just to ask how would you react to that?

Don't get me wrong, this is clearly crossing boundaries and it has to be stopped. It could be they're on the verge of an emotional affair. But it's also plausible that he has a crush and she's just eating up the attention or leading him on---again, it's wrong and it has to end, but it isn't necessarily an affair, and it's something they can heal from if they both work together with full honesty about the situation.

The most important part to healing (whether it's cheating, an addiction, whatever) is understanding what triggered the behavior. If it turns out your wife is a serial liar and philanderer who depends on lots of male attention to live, your relationship probably can't be saved. But if she was mostly feeling lonely and unfulfilled at home and suddenly found herself showered with admiration from a younger coworker who didn't require any hard conversations about bills and kids, and she wants to work on her marriage, it's salvageable.

[Uruktopi]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're right once the espionage takes over it's not a marriage, just two people betraying each other.

He is right and so are you. It would add another betrayal IF there is already one.

But as just one betrayal is enough IF that one happens it is neither a marriage at all.

[Uruktopi]

5 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

.............IF there is already one.

But as just one betrayal is enough IF that one happens ...............

Sorry, my conditional answer got outdated before it was written.

No need of any IF.

There was an actual betrayal.

[basil67]

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

What about the kids?   Is it not worth trying to repair things in order for them to have a solid family unit?   

[LynneVicious]

Ugh so sorry you’re going through this. Can’t say I’m not surprised by the update though. 
 

I would sincerely suggest you listen to the advice of the board from all of us who have been through what you’re going through. We have the experience to help guide you. 
 

I can tell you what is going to happen next:

 She will begin to backtrack and start the famous trickle truth. Pretty much expect to get 1-20% of the actual truth. 
the problem now is you jumped the gun and you don’t have irrefutable proof. Now she’ll be on her guard and can lie as much as she wants and you can’t prove otherwise so...

She will most likely tell you that the message he sent is him asking her if she’s okay because she’s been sick, had a bad day at work, etc. she’s only going to admit to what you know - which isn’t much. It sounds like she’s going the denial route and YOU will be the crazy one here for thinking that message meant ANYTHING inappropriate  

at this point you need to either gather as much hard evidence as you can, call the ap girlfriend. Whether you plan to divorce or reconcile, you need the truth  and you probably won’t get it from her.

Also, sometimes the best decision is deciding not to make a decision. Take time to process this and don’t jump the gun.

 

[IslandSanctuary]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You are overreacting and seem too possessive, insecure and controlling.

The moment she goes back to work and has male co-workers, you start breaking into her phone violating all sorts of trust?

The problem is she is bored/ unhappy will being a housewife/sahm but that's where You want her.

It seems like this co-worker is a friend and she may enjoy some innocuous grown-up chichat.

The problem is your marriage being unfulfilling and in a frustrating rut.

You need to consider marriage therapy to get the cards on the table for open communication. That's lot better than patrolling her phone and ignoring the real issues.

Hahahahaha. "Honey I don't like you texting your male work colleague dozens of times a week about non work related stuff and discussing his (rocky)relationship with him" 
"Oh you're possessive, insecure and controlling!" 
Truly a wise man. 

Don't wife women that think it's ok to have male friends. You lost as soon as you did that. 

Edited November 9, 2020 by IslandSanctuary

[gamon]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You are overreacting and seem too possessive, insecure and controlling.

 

Swing...and a miss.

Time to post a retraction

Edited November 9, 2020 by gamon

[Uruktopi]

20 minutes ago, gamon said:

Time to post a retraction

He should

[usa1ah]

14 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

Thank you, and I absolutelly agree with you on everything. It IS inappropriate and it IS puting absolutely unnecessary pressure on our marriage. And I told her so, many times. She just told me I am starting to be controlling and she doesn't like it. Yeah, right.

But still, I don't see my wife as manipulative/controlling, I think she is just very naive and doesn't see what is very obvious. I think she is being played and doesn't realize it yet.

I don't feel like trying to make her jealous is the right way, but I know it would be easy. My wife's sister called me "solid 9" last year, so i got that going for me which is nice

i guess right now I'm going to do my research and when I have a proof of something that crosses this platonic way of friendship I am going to confront her with hard evidence

Your wife isn’t naive, she knows exactly what she is doing. The affair partner is always just a friend. 
 

Does your wife do anything by herself? Groceries or anything?

[usa1ah]

Hope you are doing ok. 

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

All this time I had her phone right in front of me on a table, going through it time and time again. And guess who decided to text my wife at 10:13pm. His text was short, but still enough. It went "cant stop thinking about you. Hope you are ok". I just looked down where her phone lit, read the message and looked up at my wife. Wish I could snap a picture of her face. She knew it was him. I just stood up, went upstairs into our walk-in closet, pull out my bag and started packing stuff. She was right behind spitting BS like I took that wrong, it's not like I think it is and so on. I have never seen her so desperate in my life. Truly heartbreaking.

 

I'm so sorry you went through that, I feel your gut-wrench. In this situation the thing that gets up my nose the worst is that your kids don't mean enough to their mother that she would put their well-being first, before her own selfish wants. There is no excuse for any of it, even if there's nothing really going on she should have shut the co-worker down from the start. I'm pretty sure his GF would be very dark if she found out that he bleats about their relationship to some woman he works with. Totally inappropriate from both sides, and then made worse by her having the gall to be acting all offended because you've had a perfectly normal reaction to her juvenile behaviour. Even if there's nothing been going on, the fact that she's feeding her ego with the attentions of this other guy just stinks of a complete lack of regard and respect for you. No advice to give other than telling her to grow up and stop sneaking around like a weasel. Maybe give her the scare she deserves and bring up the subject of divorce and child custody.  

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

thank you all for your support. I really means a lot to me

Well, I had a whopping 3 hours of sleep. My wife kept calling and texting till 4am. I just put it on silent. Literally hundreds of texts and calls. Probably should have blocked her number. I also have missed calls and texts from few mutual friends and surprisingly my parents. I think she assumed I went there. I am not that stupid. Still wonder what she told them. I wrote them I am OK and to not get involved. I will call them when I am ready. The anger from evening is gone and I am wallowing in self-pity now.

 

My friend asked me this morning If I think I overreacted. So thats all I'm thinking about now. Just great.

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

@LynneViciousWhat you just described is really horrible and frustrating. On one hand I am glad It's out in the open but I know I should wait til I had more solid proof. But the moment I saw that text I knew I had to get out. And I am glad I did. 
 

@usa1ah I am not doing OK. But I will. Still in shock. She doesn't go out alone. Not since September at least. Always with me or kids. But who knows, If she wanted to she would find a way how to get out of house alone. I just don't remember her leaving alone for longer period of time

@MsJayne

[Acacia98]

25 minutes ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

My friend asked me this morning If I think I overreacted. So thats all I'm thinking about now. Just great.

Honestly, your wife's reaction to your concerns convinced me that theirs was not an innocent friendship. I'm thinking it's either an emotional affair or it's well on the way to becoming one. She's emotionally invested in preserving it. She's annoyed with you for expressing your concerns (like they are an inconvenience). She's dismissive of you. Those are all bad signs.

And then I think you left a lot out of your initial description. Perhaps you didn't want to bias us against her. But some of the details that have emerged in later posts are damning (e.g. her receiving texts from him late at night after he has fought with his girlfriend... WTF?!).

I don't think you overreacted. I actually wish I had the capacity to react like you when I found myself in parallel situations. I am on the intuitive side, like you are. I tend to notice little, nuanced changes in behavior. I have always known, even without direct evidence, when the person I am with has started to stray. But I've had too much self-doubt to act on that knowledge. I have eventually acted after gathering solid proof. But, by then, I've endured too much humiliation and it's done some damage. Being able to act like you did is a gift. 

The only reason why I might have advised someone in your situation to wait and collect more concrete evidence before acting would have been so that he wouldn't start second-guessing his judgment down the road.

[ExpatInItaly]

57 minutes ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

My friend asked me this morning If I think I overreacted. So thats all I'm thinking about now. Just great.

Nope, I don't think you did. 

You are hurt because you discovered that your wife has not been doing anywhere near enough to protect the integrity of your marriage and (by extension) your family. She is behaving suspiciously because she has been hiding some things from you. A physical affair seems unlikely, but an emotional affair? Bingo. Now she can't turn it all around on you and blame-shift and she's panicking because she got caught with her handing inching toward the cookie jar. 

I think it was wise to take some space for the night. You needed to clear your mind and she needed to understand that the BS stops here, and also to understand the gravity of her behaviour. 

The good thing is that your marriage is more than likely still salvageable, as you seem to have intervened before more serious lines were crossed. But you two cannot go on like this; she's going to need to start being much more honest about where her heart and mind are, and how invested she still is (or isn't) This guy is not just an innocent friend and you both know it. 

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

@Acacia98 @ExpatInItaly thank you for you kind words. I don't think I overreacted too, but now I have doubts about everything. This feeling kf shifted reality sucks. And big
 

I spoke to my parents. Apparently she showed up at their house at 1am asking for me. She told them we had a fight and I left and she is worried about me. So I told them everything. They had no idea, she probably felt like reason is not that important. Funny. 

[Harry Korsnes]

3 minutes ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

@Acacia98 @ExpatInItaly thank you for you kind words. I don't think I overreacted too, but now I have doubts about everything. This feeling kf shifted reality sucks. And big
 

I spoke to my parents. Apparently she showed up at their house at 1am asking for me. She told them we had a fight and I left and she is worried about me. So I told them everything. They had no idea, she probably felt like reason is not that important. Funny. 

I'd go radio silent for the rest of the day to sort your thaughts and feelings, and for her to realise what she is doing is not good for the marriage.

Best of luck!

[Negotaurus]

Take all the time you need, get your ducks in a row, meanwhile she can enjoy the mess she has created. I'm sorry this has happened, you will feel better again.

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

This separation helps me A LOT. I plan to stay away for a few day to clear my head. Still miss my kids as hell. Her? Not so much. 
 

Some Good news- I just got free week at work. My boss is amazing, will buy him a keg when this mess is over. Now I need to find some accomodations because I can't stay here today. They have a small baby so I am really imposing. I guess they don't need a crying and cursing mess living on their sofa. 

 

All hotels in our country are closed unless you stay for business. So that is just added bonus to this s***show. Wife keeps calling and texting. Don't even open them and just ignore it. Don't feel like talking to her right now. I am afraid of what I might say.

 

Few minutes back I thought about giving her "just a friend" visit at work but deicided he is not worth the trouble. I am afraid I might snap him in half and end up in jail. Not worth it.