I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

Hi,

I thought I won't come back, but I got a notification and an apology from mods few days back and I decided to give a final update to those of you who reached out to me with a helping hand when my life was crumbling down around me.

If you are wondering how we are doing nowadays: We are good, even great sometimes. And we are divorcing with a future commitment of starting over.

It was not an easy decision, and it involved a lots of late nights, tears and even heated exchanges. But in the end I came to a realization that our old marriage, the one with unbroken trust, is gone. It's dead and won't come back no matter how much we want it to. The only way how we can move forward is to officialy bury it and start anew. And by that I don't mean preted it didn't happen. 

My wife's initial reaction, besides shock, was to fight me, out of fear. She tried to reason and plead with me up to a point when I put in front of her a choice. Either an uncontested divorce with a future R, or a divorce and nothing more them co-parenting. She went back to her former promise in a matter of hours and arranged a meeting with our lawyer where we signed and filed everything. This was the last obstacle she willingly put in front of us and it was the last time I saw the person who cheated on me and made a web of lies around herself to protect her selfish choices. Since then my wife slowly comes back and I see that horrible creature less and less

We are still together, under one roof, in one bed (sleeping), and when the dust settles, we will start rebuilding our life together. Original plan was to separate for a few months to find out what we want but after last few weeks and days I (with some help from people from SI) came to a realization this won't work. If we trully want to R there has to be no distance betweem us, be it physical or emotional. My wife went through a lot these past two months and the change in her attitude towards her affair is astounding. We went through lies, minimalizing, blamingshifting and more lies at the beginning to feeling sorry for herself to full understanding of what she did to me to our family. Of how close we were to point of no return. We talk everyday about her A. We help each other when we see the other is putting up walls again. She holds my hand when I experience some kind of trigger. I call her out when that selfish creature shows up again. And we talk, about anything. And guys, IC helps. Go for it. Seriously. I believe 50% of a change in my wife is her IC, because she doesn't put up with any crap my wife tries to spin. So find a good counselor and visit regulary.

You might think thing sound great, but we still have a long and bumpy road ahead. There are some bad day waiting for us, no doubt, but we will get through it. I really believe we will. Sorry for this rant btw

So thank you all here at LS who helped me at the beginning and I wish you all the best.

[Pottering About]

Thank you for the update and very happy for you. Recognise there is still work to do but hope that the next update is a continued success story.

Hope that you comment on others’ posts as you have a lot to offer. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

a meeting with our lawyer where we signed and filed everything. you all the best.

Excellent. Hope your kids will be ok.

[mark clemson]

Happy for you, Mr.Flibble...

[merrmeade]

Good. For. Mr. Flibble.

[Marc878]

On 11/16/2020 at 9:51 PM, DKT3 said:

I spoke in the beginning of this thread about falling for illogical "truths" because its a combination of what you want to hear and what makes you most comfortable,  also I spoke about taking hard stances not really understanding how you will feel the next day or week. You've made both mistakes,  hopefully it doesn't come back to get you.

Those texts mean nothing since it wasn't likely the day you found out,  much could have happened between those  texts and when you found out. But, it makes you feel better.  

You are making the topical mistakes that almost all BHs make. Foolishly wanting to believe a minimized narrative that your WW is more then happy to allow you to believe.  The innocent victims who was pressured into doing things she didn't really want to do, the quiet damsel who ignored all the sweet talk.....so ask yourself just what the hell was your innocent damsel doing?

Lots of pain and disappointment lay right beyond the naive blindness. 

All cheaters lie a lot. Upfront cheaters normally are sorry they got caught and will promise the moon. Beware.

[princessaurora]

I've been following your post on the other board, Mr. Flibble and I support what you are doing wholeheartedly. Good luck. I hope it all works out for you. 

[basil67]

I'm beyond confused.   You've demanded divorce but in the same thread are talking of rebuilding your life together?    I hope her counselor is addressing the game playing which is going on here.   Your estranged wife needs to see it for what it is.

 

[DKT3]

Its not that confusing.  In his opinion the marriage is damaged and he needs to be divorced.  However,  he is still willing to try and build a relationship with her going forward, minus the commitment of marriage.  

Believe it or not, its fair common.

[mark clemson]

I agree the divorce is what Flibble "needs" to do in order to be able to reconcile. No doubt there are some psychological reasons for this. I won't pretend to understand what they are, but that does NOT mean they aren't completely valid for him. As for his wife, she is willing to accept all that he is "putting her through" to maintain the marriage/have him back. That is her choice and even though it may be a lot of stress for her, it may be cathartic too in a way if she feels a lot of guilt as some people do. So they both can start with a "cleaner slate". Not completely clean, but enough for both of them to rebuild their relationship.

Edited February 12, 2021 by mark clemson

[trident_2020]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm beyond confused.   You've demanded divorce but in the same thread are talking of rebuilding your life together? 

I've read on this forum and others that the only way to rebuild after cheating is to divorce and remarry because the old marriage has been destroyed and can't be fixed.

I think the entire concept is ridiculous but lucky for me I'll never be in that situation.

[basil67]

All sounds like mind games to me.

[Harry Korsnes]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

All sounds like mind games to me.

I think the mind games are love vs trust, should i, shouldent i. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Harry Korsnes said:

I think the mind games are love vs trust, should i, shouldent i. 

Asking someone for divorce with a promise of a future is not love.  It’s a toxic game.  

[elaine567]

Seems to me the game is, we will divorce, I will get to punish you  and get my pound of flesh by doing that, but we can always pick it up later but only if I decide we can... I get control back
Trouble is  SHE, once all the furore is over, may decide getting back with a guy who has engineered that and has put her kids though that, is not what she wants.
She went looking for another man for a reason, she was unhappy with her marriage basically.
Once she gets over the shame and the guilt, she may revisit her previous mindset as regards the marriage. Boring, limiting and not much fun.
Resentment kills relationships and this charade of divorcing and getting back together I guess will be a huge breeding ground for resentment going forward.

[DKT3]

So what is he to do? Just accept what she's done?

I find it odd that any time a woman has to face consequences for affairs some female posters (or several) always find objections.  

Its my opinion that OP simply doesn't want to be married to his wife because of her affair, but isn't fully ready to let her go.  I dont see it as toxic or taking a pound of flesh.  I see it as him doing whats best for him. She has every right to move on after the divorce.  He isn't forcing her to do anything. 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't get divorcing with the plan to reunite in the future and continuing to live together as if nothing has changed. It's not going to magically reset anything. You're still the same people with the same relationship dynamics. But if it makes sense for you, I wish you all the best with it.

2 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I find it odd that any time a woman has to face consequences for affairs some female posters (or several) always find objections.

More than anything, it's really jumped out at me in this thread that some women have a massive double standard about female vs. male cheaters. They paint male cheaters as the scum of the earth and female cheaters as poor, neglected wives whose husbands drove them to it. Perhaps these are the women who have cheated before? 

I apply an equal standard and see both male and female cheaters in a very similar negative light.

[Watercolors]

On 2/10/2021 at 8:42 AM, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

And we are divorcing with a future commitment of starting over.

Is the divorce symbolic, or are there financial reasons tied to it as well? 

As Ruby Slippers pointed out, you and your wife are still the same people with the same strengths and weaknesses. Signing a divorce contract wouldn't suddenly change your personalities or your character traits. It will just dissolve your marriage and any financial obligations that you have to each other. 

I don't understand why you'd divorce your wife, if you two plan to stay together anyway. That's why I asked if the divorce and going through with it legally, is symbolic or if you never want to be married to each other and just live with each other and be a family without the legalities. 

Edited February 12, 2021 by Watercolors

[Harry Korsnes]

Seems to me that some here beleave its his fault she cheated. 

[spiritedaway2003]

6 hours ago, DKT3 said:

So what is he to do? Just accept what she's done?

I find it odd that any time a woman has to face consequences for affairs some female posters (or several) always find objections.  

Its my opinion that OP simply doesn't want to be married to his wife because of her affair, but isn't fully ready to let her go.  I dont see it as toxic or taking a pound of flesh.  I see it as him doing whats best for him. She has every right to move on after the divorce.  He isn't forcing her to do anything. 

 

No, he doesn't have to accept what she's done.  It goes both ways. Imagine if he had told her, "You have to cut off the AP and go cold turkey".  If her response was, "No, I'm not ready to let go of AP yet", then the overall advice to the OP would be to give her the boot.  Why?  Because that would be sound advice for OP.  The problem with "I'm going to divorce and then reconcile" is similar - what is the difference in proceeding with the divorce if the goal is to reconcile?   The old relationship is gone.  They still have sort out the dynamics.  It's mixed messages. Are you in or are you out?

If he wants her to face the consequences, fine, leave and divorce her.  She was suffering but she was going to accept that his leaving was a possible outcome.  Is the divorce symbolic or financial?   I haven't followed this thread closely, but I did recall reading that she was willing to sign away her rights to her marital assets for the attempt at reconciliation (that's where's the pound of flesh comes in).  You do not make people sign things when they are under duress (she clearly was, in a last bid to save her marriage).  It doesn't matter if you (or any of us, quite frankly) think that's fair consequence -- that's why there are divorce courts and settlements so one party doesn't get taken advantage of when they're in emotional distress.

I don't think female posters here have a problem if OP chose to leave if that's his hard line.  It's just that once he decides to divorce, then divorce. Do it cleanly and properly. Either you're all in or you're not.  I'd say there might be value if they choose to divorce (cleanly), take some time apart (including dating other people), and then decide to get back together because they want - and choose  - to be with each other.

No one is also forcing him to stay if he really wants to leave.  There is no double standard here.  There is no giving the cheating spouse a pass (except to point out that it hadn't gotten as far as other affairs).  What is now in question is the intent of the OP (to divorce then reconcile) and he knows it better than all of us.

Edited February 12, 2021 by spiritedaway2003
missing words

[basil67]

8 hours ago, DKT3 said:

So what is he to do? Just accept what she's done?

I find it odd that any time a woman has to face consequences for affairs some female posters (or several) always find objections.  

He should work through it with her, likely using a counsellor.  Or if he can't do that, then divorce her.  But these games are toxic.

I would say the same thing if the genders were reversed. I have no time for games and manipulation no matter which gender chooses to employ them.

[DKT3]

2 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

No, he doesn't have to accept what she's done.  It goes both ways. Imagine if he had told her, "You have to cut off the AP and go cold turkey".  If her response was, "No, I'm not ready to let go of AP yet", then the overall advice to the OP would be to give her the boot.  Why?  Because that would be sound advice for OP.  The problem with "I'm going to divorce and then reconcile" is similar - what is the difference in proceeding with the divorce if the goal is to reconcile?   The old relationship is gone.  They still have sort out the dynamics.  It's mixed messages. Are you in or are you out?

If he wants her to face the consequences, fine, leave and divorce her.  She was suffering but she was going to accept that his leaving was a possible outcome.  Is the divorce symbolic or financial?   I haven't followed this thread closely, but I did recall reading that she was willing to sign away her rights to her marital assets for the attempt at reconciliation (that's where's the pound of flesh comes in).  You do not make people sign things when they are under duress (she clearly was, in a last bid to save her marriage).  It doesn't matter if you (or any of us, quite frankly) think that's fair consequence -- that's why there are divorce courts and settlements so one party doesn't get taken advantage of when they're in emotional distress.

I don't think female posters here have a problem if OP chose to leave if that's his hard line.  It's just that once he decides to divorce, then divorce. Do it cleanly and properly. Either you're all in or you're not.  I'd say there might be value if they choose to divorce (cleanly), take some time apart (including dating other people), and then decide to get back together because they want - and choose  - to be with each other.

No one is also forcing him to stay if he really wants to leave.  There is no double standard here.  There is no giving the cheating spouse a pass (except to point out that it hadn't gotten as far as other affairs).  What is now in question is the intent of the OP (to divorce then reconcile) and he knows it better than all of us.

I disagree...when he mentioned divorce,  posters did indeed give him problems because his wife is willing to work on it.

His intent is to divorce because he doesn't want to be married.  What relationship they have after is thier relationship. 

And no it wouldn't be the same if said she wouldn't cut off her AP, honestly its a bad analogy for many reasons most obvious they are in a committed monogamous relationship (supposedly) while divorce is ending that commitment.  In a sense she is being demoted from wife to girlfriend.  Just like in the professional world,  she can refuse. 

My personal opinion is OP will divorce and move on, after a short period.  

As far as no gender bias. Ha, if it wouldn't get me in trouble I would cut a paste the posts to prove my point, many of those posters have been active on this thread.

[DKT3]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

He should work through it with her, likely using a counsellor.  Or if he can't do that, then divorce her.  But these games are toxic.

I would say the same thing if the genders were reversed. I have no time for games and manipulation no matter which gender chooses to employ them.

So they can't do that after the divorce?  I'm just not getting your insistence that its a toxic game. Whats the game? Ending a contract that has been breached? 

[basil67]

@DKT3  The marriage contract has a clause of 'for better or worse'.  That clause says that the marriage is not to be discarded because one breaches it.  A regular (business) contract does not have this, so it's a false analogy.    It's not just this though.  If you look back, I've been flagging game playing throughout the thread.

If the situations were reversed, I'd never do to my husband what the OP is doing to his wife. 

 

Edited February 12, 2021 by basil67

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Trouble is  SHE, once all the furore is over, may decide getting back with a guy who has engineered that and has put her kids though that, is not what she wants.
Resentment kills relationships and this charade of divorcing and getting back together I guess will be a huge breeding ground for resentment going forward.

I think this is likely quite true SOME of the time. FWIW, my read is that:

A) OP isn't doing this to be cruel per se; it's something he needs to do; the psychology is a little beyond me, but I think to the extent there's cruelty in the divorce aspect itself, it's unconscious if it's there at all; she wants him back, he's cooperating, but he needs them to go through this to get there, for whatever reason. Regaining a sense of control is probably part of it, I agree.

B) For the wife, I think many women would perhaps do as you say, BUT I think they'd be a little less "desperate" to keep the guy. I think this wife is not in a place where she's self-aware enough to be thinking this way. Now 10 years down the road, who knows, but at the moment getting him back is what she NEEDS to normalize her psychology/brain function; I think that's all she's focused on ATM. If she was more self-aware, it might be different, but she is clearly experiencing the prospect of their relationship ending as severe trauma. I'd say years down the line it's a toss up. She may look back one day and resent him and the whole situation, she MAY feel like she luckily "won" her one true love who she almost blew it with, etc. Hard to say IMO.

The psychology of breakups is tricky and somewhat unpredictable and this is a form of breakup/near breakup.

Edited February 13, 2021 by mark clemson