I think my wife is cheating on me with a coworker

[usa1ah]

I am glad to hear your wife is doing better mentally. 
 

Best to you and your wife. Look forward to hearing from you in a few weeks. 

[Zona]

Doing a DNA test is more of a way to demonstrate to a WW the seriousness of her actions. In your case, Mr. Flibble, it seems like enough pressure has been put on your WW already and no more pressure is needed at this time. I would still follow through with it though now that you have said you want it, otherwise she won't take you seriously.

I don't think your wife was overly invested in this guy emotionally, but a steamy make out session? I've never once had steamy make out session where sex didn't follow very quickly. It's a very bonding experience obviously.

Point being, keep your antennas up. There are countless stories of WW's begging, pleading, sobbing, etc., while secretly taking the affair underground. That's why when a wife cheats, divorce is much more likely. The problem is that waywards tend to be very adept liars.

I think you two have a really good shot at reconciliation as long as no more dark secrets emerge and as long as she gets some infidelity related IC. There is no rush. Take your time and make sure your wife's positive actions aren't temporary.

Hopefully you can enjoy the holiday season as a family.

I'm sorry you have been fed the sh*t sandwhich that many of us here have already tasted. This stuff ain't easy to deal with, and your emotions will be all over the map. That is totally normal and it will calm over time.

Edited December 15, 2020 by Zona

[Birdies]

Hey there.  I was married and cheated on my husband with another married man.  I think you are handling this just fine.  Try to ignore the ridiculous posts about being abusive or whatever.  Your world has been turned completely upside down, and you are being smart by keeping your wife at arm's length for a while, and by doing important things like STD tests and DNA checks on your kids.  I think you have a really good sense of the best way through this trauma and that you are successfully keeping yourself from sweeping it all under the rug.  Keep on keeping on.

Of course your wife is upset and suffering.  She has basically ruined her entire life, and she has no one to blame but herself.  It's a very, very dark feeling.  Been there done that.  That doesn't mean that you are abusing her or any other such bulls***.

[Buffer]

Brother I fully understand the what, why’s, how’s that you are going through. Great that you both are reaching out for IC to help you through this. 
I always say that a hug will always help both parties mentally. Not banging sex just a touch, or hugs 🫂. The naked bit, tell her what you were feeling I always say I am not a mind reader. If you don’t communicate she will not know. 
Strength to you through this and respect. 
One day at a time. 
Buffer

[MickeyBill]

7 hours ago, Zona said:

I don't think your wife was overly invested in this guy emotionally, but a steamy make out session? I've never once had steamy make out session where sex didn't follow very quickly. It's a very bonding experience obviously.

Well I have...so your mileage may vary.

[usa1ah]

10 hours ago, Zona said:

Doing a DNA test is more of a way to demonstrate to a WW the seriousness of her actions. In your case, Mr. Flibble, it seems like enough pressure has been put on your WW already and no more pressure is needed at this time. I would still follow through with it though now that you have said you want it, otherwise she won't take you seriously.

I don't think your wife was overly invested in this guy emotionally, but a steamy make out session? I've never once had steamy make out session where sex didn't follow very quickly. It's a very bonding experience obviously.

Point being, keep your antennas up. There are countless stories of WW's begging, pleading, sobbing, etc., while secretly taking the affair underground. That's why when a wife cheats, divorce is much more likely. The problem is that waywards tend to be very adept liars.

I think you two have a really good shot at reconciliation as long as no more dark secrets emerge and as long as she gets some infidelity related IC. There is no rush. Take your time and make sure your wife's positive actions aren't temporary.

Hopefully you can enjoy the holiday season as a family.

I'm sorry you have been fed the sh*t sandwhich that many of us here have already tasted. This stuff ain't easy to deal with, and your emotions will be all over the map. That is totally normal and it will calm over time.

Mr Flibble has actually said that there is a little voice in his head asking if his girls are his. He is actually doing the DNA test to prove to himself they are his girls. 

Edited December 16, 2020 by usa1ah

[merrmeade]

18 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

Thank you. My wife will survive, but now I am sure moving her back here and out of her mom's was the right decision. The change in her is quite frankly unbelievable.

It's great to get advice on here, even though I might not agree with some of you it's still a good approach to get the different oppinions and see other options.

Yes, my wife was at a very dark place.  In last two days I can see her mood changing. Not sure if it's me taking the divorce of a table (at least for now) or her getting out of her mom's influence. But she's doing better. And I am too

I'm sure you made the right decision. You are kind and compassionate, and your natural response was to save a drowning victim because you could and there was no one else. I'm not going to argue one second about her motives or prognosis or whether she deserves it. She needed it and there' was no one else. You're the boots on the ground and have to act as you see. I don't know if it's been mentioned, but your children are another reason. I think it's totally valid for you to make  some decisions so your children won't worry. You also don't want to do anything that they will judge or resent later.. Believe me, they watch and take it all in. 

When my son decided to divorce, it was a few days before Thanksgiving, 2018. There were whispered conversations here and there about whether she should come. In the end, my grandson marched right up to me and asked why she didn't come. I was glad I'd texted her and could answer him honestly that she had decided not to because she didn't want to make his dad uncomfortable. Finished. All he wanted was the truth from somebody and to know we were not punishing her. It was only the one time but a lesson in advance for all of us - - to make sure the kids don't get anxious. They shouldn't have to question whether adults are still in charge and keeping everyone safe.

It won't always be like this. All these events are fall-out from the enormous trauma of D-day. This one has gone pretty far. You have to make decisions for your marriage first but protect the children from the fallout as much as possible. 

[MrFlibble_is_very_cross]

Hi,

I thought I won't come back, but I got a notification and an apology from mods few days back and I decided to give a final update to those of you who reached out to me with a helping hand when my life was crumbling down around me.

If you are wondering how we are doing nowadays: We are good, even great sometimes. And we are divorcing with a future commitment of starting over.

It was not an easy decision, and it involved a lots of late nights, tears and even heated exchanges. But in the end I came to a realization that our old marriage, the one with unbroken trust, is gone. It's dead and won't come back no matter how much we want it to. The only way how we can move forward is to officialy bury it and start anew. And by that I don't mean preted it didn't happen. 

My wife's initial reaction, besides shock, was to fight me, out of fear. She tried to reason and plead with me up to a point when I put in front of her a choice. Either an uncontested divorce with a future R, or a divorce and nothing more them co-parenting. She went back to her former promise in a matter of hours and arranged a meeting with our lawyer where we signed and filed everything. This was the last obstacle she willingly put in front of us and it was the last time I saw the person who cheated on me and made a web of lies around herself to protect her selfish choices. Since then my wife slowly comes back and I see that horrible creature less and less

We are still together, under one roof, in one bed (sleeping), and when the dust settles, we will start rebuilding our life together. Original plan was to separate for a few months to find out what we want but after last few weeks and days I (with some help from people from SI) came to a realization this won't work. If we trully want to R there has to be no distance betweem us, be it physical or emotional. My wife went through a lot these past two months and the change in her attitude towards her affair is astounding. We went through lies, minimalizing, blamingshifting and more lies at the beginning to feeling sorry for herself to full understanding of what she did to me to our family. Of how close we were to point of no return. We talk everyday about her A. We help each other when we see the other is putting up walls again. She holds my hand when I experience some kind of trigger. I call her out when that selfish creature shows up again. And we talk, about anything. And guys, IC helps. Go for it. Seriously. I believe 50% of a change in my wife is her IC, because she doesn't put up with any crap my wife tries to spin. So find a good counselor and visit regulary.

You might think thing sound great, but we still have a long and bumpy road ahead. There are some bad day waiting for us, no doubt, but we will get through it. I really believe we will. Sorry for this rant btw

So thank you all here at LS who helped me at the beginning and I wish you all the best.

[Pottering About]

Thank you for the update and very happy for you. Recognise there is still work to do but hope that the next update is a continued success story.

Hope that you comment on others’ posts as you have a lot to offer. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

a meeting with our lawyer where we signed and filed everything. you all the best.

Excellent. Hope your kids will be ok.

[mark clemson]

Happy for you, Mr.Flibble...

[merrmeade]

Good. For. Mr. Flibble.

[Marc878]

On 11/16/2020 at 9:51 PM, DKT3 said:

I spoke in the beginning of this thread about falling for illogical "truths" because its a combination of what you want to hear and what makes you most comfortable,  also I spoke about taking hard stances not really understanding how you will feel the next day or week. You've made both mistakes,  hopefully it doesn't come back to get you.

Those texts mean nothing since it wasn't likely the day you found out,  much could have happened between those  texts and when you found out. But, it makes you feel better.  

You are making the topical mistakes that almost all BHs make. Foolishly wanting to believe a minimized narrative that your WW is more then happy to allow you to believe.  The innocent victims who was pressured into doing things she didn't really want to do, the quiet damsel who ignored all the sweet talk.....so ask yourself just what the hell was your innocent damsel doing?

Lots of pain and disappointment lay right beyond the naive blindness. 

All cheaters lie a lot. Upfront cheaters normally are sorry they got caught and will promise the moon. Beware.

[princessaurora]

I've been following your post on the other board, Mr. Flibble and I support what you are doing wholeheartedly. Good luck. I hope it all works out for you. 

[basil67]

I'm beyond confused.   You've demanded divorce but in the same thread are talking of rebuilding your life together?    I hope her counselor is addressing the game playing which is going on here.   Your estranged wife needs to see it for what it is.

 

[DKT3]

Its not that confusing.  In his opinion the marriage is damaged and he needs to be divorced.  However,  he is still willing to try and build a relationship with her going forward, minus the commitment of marriage.  

Believe it or not, its fair common.

[mark clemson]

I agree the divorce is what Flibble "needs" to do in order to be able to reconcile. No doubt there are some psychological reasons for this. I won't pretend to understand what they are, but that does NOT mean they aren't completely valid for him. As for his wife, she is willing to accept all that he is "putting her through" to maintain the marriage/have him back. That is her choice and even though it may be a lot of stress for her, it may be cathartic too in a way if she feels a lot of guilt as some people do. So they both can start with a "cleaner slate". Not completely clean, but enough for both of them to rebuild their relationship.

Edited February 12, 2021 by mark clemson

[trident_2020]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm beyond confused.   You've demanded divorce but in the same thread are talking of rebuilding your life together? 

I've read on this forum and others that the only way to rebuild after cheating is to divorce and remarry because the old marriage has been destroyed and can't be fixed.

I think the entire concept is ridiculous but lucky for me I'll never be in that situation.

[basil67]

All sounds like mind games to me.

[Harry Korsnes]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

All sounds like mind games to me.

I think the mind games are love vs trust, should i, shouldent i. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Harry Korsnes said:

I think the mind games are love vs trust, should i, shouldent i. 

Asking someone for divorce with a promise of a future is not love.  It’s a toxic game.  

[elaine567]

Seems to me the game is, we will divorce, I will get to punish you  and get my pound of flesh by doing that, but we can always pick it up later but only if I decide we can... I get control back
Trouble is  SHE, once all the furore is over, may decide getting back with a guy who has engineered that and has put her kids though that, is not what she wants.
She went looking for another man for a reason, she was unhappy with her marriage basically.
Once she gets over the shame and the guilt, she may revisit her previous mindset as regards the marriage. Boring, limiting and not much fun.
Resentment kills relationships and this charade of divorcing and getting back together I guess will be a huge breeding ground for resentment going forward.

[DKT3]

So what is he to do? Just accept what she's done?

I find it odd that any time a woman has to face consequences for affairs some female posters (or several) always find objections.  

Its my opinion that OP simply doesn't want to be married to his wife because of her affair, but isn't fully ready to let her go.  I dont see it as toxic or taking a pound of flesh.  I see it as him doing whats best for him. She has every right to move on after the divorce.  He isn't forcing her to do anything. 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't get divorcing with the plan to reunite in the future and continuing to live together as if nothing has changed. It's not going to magically reset anything. You're still the same people with the same relationship dynamics. But if it makes sense for you, I wish you all the best with it.

2 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I find it odd that any time a woman has to face consequences for affairs some female posters (or several) always find objections.

More than anything, it's really jumped out at me in this thread that some women have a massive double standard about female vs. male cheaters. They paint male cheaters as the scum of the earth and female cheaters as poor, neglected wives whose husbands drove them to it. Perhaps these are the women who have cheated before? 

I apply an equal standard and see both male and female cheaters in a very similar negative light.

[Watercolors]

On 2/10/2021 at 8:42 AM, MrFlibble_is_very_cross said:

And we are divorcing with a future commitment of starting over.

Is the divorce symbolic, or are there financial reasons tied to it as well? 

As Ruby Slippers pointed out, you and your wife are still the same people with the same strengths and weaknesses. Signing a divorce contract wouldn't suddenly change your personalities or your character traits. It will just dissolve your marriage and any financial obligations that you have to each other. 

I don't understand why you'd divorce your wife, if you two plan to stay together anyway. That's why I asked if the divorce and going through with it legally, is symbolic or if you never want to be married to each other and just live with each other and be a family without the legalities. 

Edited February 12, 2021 by Watercolors