BeaNeverLearns Posted November 8, 2020 Share Posted November 8, 2020 Hi Everyone. I wanted to reach out and say that three weeks in today, I still have not contacted him. Work has been busy which has kept me motivated, college has been busy too. I won't say I'm the happiest person I've ever been, but I am still feeling strong. It was around this period of time that I caved the last time, and I won't do it again. I used to blame a lot of stuff on him, but actually it was all my fault. I've finished reading the state of the affairs by Esther Perel, and I can see why everyone does not like it. I've also finished reading Shirly P. Glass, not just friends too. I see what happened and I see why there are for/against for each of the books. Esther Perel speaks about being the other woman, and what it does to you. I see where I need counselling and where I need to fix my problems. I also see why my marriage has run into trouble. It's been a sobering few weeks. Hard, but sobering. I wanted to say that you guys really helped me jump off the ledge and make the right decision for me. I thank you all for that. I really do. Just going to take it a day at a time. I'll post back to keep you all informed. Thank you again and stay safe and strong. Bea Link to post Share on other sites
SMoore Posted November 8, 2020 Share Posted November 8, 2020 Good to hear that things are going ok on the NC front. As for me, out of the blue the OW messaged me on Friday just to pass on some information, (details not important). Have to say I wish she hadn’t. We kept the messages formal and that was that, but it was the message plus seeing her WhatsApp picture has just set me right back. I’ve had stomach churning and hidden crying all weekend, thought I’d left that behind. Just goes to show, if you have it bad then it takes a shedload of time (I’m on 5 months NC). Hurting again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BeaNeverLearns Posted November 9, 2020 Author Share Posted November 9, 2020 11 hours ago, SMoore said: Good to hear that things are going ok on the NC front. As for me, out of the blue the OW messaged me on Friday just to pass on some information, (details not important). Have to say I wish she hadn’t. We kept the messages formal and that was that, but it was the message plus seeing her WhatsApp picture has just set me right back. I’ve had stomach churning and hidden crying all weekend, thought I’d left that behind. Just goes to show, if you have it bad then it takes a shedload of time (I’m on 5 months NC). Hurting again. OH Smore, I feel your pain. Talk about toying with your feelings. I can only imagine what that did to you. Perhaps you should tell her not to contact you again, even in the professional sense. I know and you know it was only a ploy to gauge your reaction. Block her. I bet it feels like you're losing her all over again. Get out for walks, read books, see friends, listen to happy songs. I think you can get over this. Reach out here. We all like to help and listen. I'm here for you. Bea Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 I am glad you are making progress. It is not an easy path but worth the effort. It is much easier to fall back on old coping skills than create new ones. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
SMoore Posted November 9, 2020 Share Posted November 9, 2020 Thanks, I messaged her and we are done with all contact forever. I made that super clear. Just heartbreaking. I just want to forget her now. However, on a positive note the lows from the weekend don’t seem to be hanging around, so I think (I hope) my resilience is much better these days. I’ll keep going! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BeaNeverLearns Posted November 10, 2020 Author Share Posted November 10, 2020 Great news @SMoore I'm delighted to hear it. As for me, today, I'm having a bad day, and obsessing a little bit. I have this tight feeling in my chest, an anxiety feeling that I just cant shake. I really need to be strong. Also really struggling to focus. really struggling to focus. I'm trying to block thoughts from my mind, but it's not coming that easy for me. Might try a bit of meditation to help me through. Deep breaths. Deep Breaths. Thank you @BittersweetieI really appreciate your kind words. One day at a time, is the mantra. Bea 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SMoore Posted November 11, 2020 Share Posted November 11, 2020 I know that constricting chest pain well, like a constant panic. Absolutely horrible. I don’t get it so much now but there is a tiny cold knot beneath the ribs that keeps appearing every now and then to remind me I’m not quite done - still an improvement though, so there’s hope! These feelings respond to thoughts, if you can control them then you’re on the right track. Meditation might work. Eckhart Tolle’s ‘Power of Now’ got me through a really bad patch. One day at a time. You’ll get there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonifidelifelover Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 (edited) I feel u two! I’m in the same boat. MM private messaged me after one month like @mark clemson predicted! He messaged me about a picture I took. He actually out of the blue liked a few pictures of mine the week before. I was like what’s that mean. My friend said it’s social media games. Anyway. I feel the same I’m being strong no contact (Well kinda) then he Messages me about that picture saying he missed me & stay sexy. Then he proceeds to say ttyl cause he’s in Vegas with the wife. SMH. It just puts u Back in a bad place. Thoughts get going etc... it’s tough. I guess Going complete NC in my case would be best. I have listened to Esther on YouTube but maybe I’ll pick up those books! & im sorry @SMoore that ur hurting again Edited November 12, 2020 by AngelinaCassy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 I can honestly say that limerence is one of the hardest things I've ever had to overcome. My limerence was triggered when a LTGF cheated on me. You'll hear it a lot because it is true, strict NC is the only way to go. That also means no social media stalking! She tried every trick in the book to reel me back in, but I stood firm. Even then it took a year or two for my head to clear enough to where I felt half normal. @BeaNeverLearns As you can see, Esther Perel is what you read if you want to justify an affair, Shirley Glass is what you read if you want to understand how affairs start and how to avoid them. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 11 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said: MM private messaged me after one month like @mark clemson predicted! That is because acquiring an OW is hard, so they keep going back to the one they did manage to acquire. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bonifidelifelover Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 3 hours ago, elaine567 said: That is because acquiring an OW is hard, so they keep going back to the one they did manage to acquire. That’s surprising tho @elaine567 because from the abundance of these situations I see on love shack it would seem it’s easy to acquire another OW Link to post Share on other sites
Bonifidelifelover Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 3 hours ago, Zona said: I can honestly say that limerence is one of the hardest things I've ever had to overcome. My limerence was triggered when a LTGF cheated on me. You'll hear it a lot because it is true, strict NC is the only way to go. That also means no social media stalking! She tried every trick in the book to reel me back in, but I stood firm. Even then it took a year or two for my head to clear enough to where I felt half normal. @BeaNeverLearns As you can see, Esther Perel is what you read if you want to justify an affair, Shirley Glass is what you read if you want to understand how affairs start and how to avoid them. Ur right no stalking which I kinda do ugh Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 1 minute ago, AngelinaCassy said: That’s surprising tho @elaine567 because from the abundance of these situations I see on love shack it would seem it’s easy to acquire another OW Yes, it is common, but for your individual married man, he will likely struggle to get a woman interested in being a OW. He is usually older, with a wife and kids in tow hardly a great catch. He has to sneak up on her, he uses the L word, and he hopes he can produce a fairytale she can relate to. He promises the world knowing full well he can't quite deliver... Of course your more desirable or slicker or less fussy individual may have better luck in finding women. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 5 hours ago, Zona said: That also means no social media stalking! This is so true! For a time I was still checking facebook and googling xOM. It wasn't until I stopped that, that I started to fully disconnect. I can totally understand the urge to google (what's he doing? is he still with the wife?) but really NC means total disengagement. It's hard in the short term but so much better in the long run for a clear head and growth. Link to post Share on other sites
SMoore Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 (edited) I suspect there is truth in that generalisation, but a generalisation is what it is. I was definitely no predator. In my case it was more 60/40 from her. She was infatuated by me and love-bombed me like crazy, and I believed it was love. Regardless, the pain is the same. Edited November 12, 2020 by SMoore This is a reply to Elaine567! Link to post Share on other sites
Bonifidelifelover Posted November 13, 2020 Share Posted November 13, 2020 5 hours ago, Bittersweetie said: This is so true! For a time I was still checking facebook and googling xOM. It wasn't until I stopped that, that I started to fully disconnect. I can totally understand the urge to google (what's he doing? is he still with the wife?) but really NC means total disengagement. It's hard in the short term but so much better in the long run for a clear head and growth. Same here. I’ve been trying not to look at his Instagram especially his stories he posts. Link to post Share on other sites
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